Facebook Condolences Etiquette

I had to tell a family friend to not post anything about my mom's death before either I or my step dad did. She is a frequent FB poster and had already posted about my mom bring really sick, which I wasn't comfortable with. The problem is she is FB friends with both my step dad's cousin as well as his mother.

I think until the immediate family posts something, or someone the immediate family asks to represent them, no-one else should be posting about it. It took us a day or two to call the people who needed to be informed personally.

I wait until family officially announces. Or until the funeral, if the immediate family hasn’t posted yet. And that’s if I’m even going to post on my own wall.

Definite no. When my dad passed away, I called one of my aunts and asked her to contact the rest of their siblings for us. He had 5 brothers & sisters, and I couldn't do that over and over at that point and my mom was in no shape to do it at all. Of course we had other people we wanted to notify personally (but weren't worried about doing so immediately), and I'd have lost my shit if someone had posted on facebook before my mother, brother or I did.

I'm sorry for your loss!

I would not post on their wall until I know it is public news. Send a private message if you like.

This.

When my sister died as we called people we ask for it not to be posted anywhere until the family does and to let others know that also. We were very lucky everyone respected that as far as I could tell. That is how some communicate now and for some it is being the first to "announce" the news.

So sorry for your loss. Hugs.

OP, I am so VERY sorry that you and your mom found out about your step-brother's death in that way. The whole posting condolences, important health info, accidents, etc to FB is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Both my mother (who was already in ill-health and died a year later) and I learned about the incident which 6 weeks later resulted in my sister's death via FB. This was nearly 12 years ago, and why her husband didn't call either one of us is still a huge question. He's just an odd guy for lack of a better explanation.

Anyhow, TWO full days after sister had been life-flighted off Whidbey Island and flown to Seattle for surgery and treatment, my niece (who was just shy of 18) posted about it on FB in a very vague way. It was a horrendous experience not only learning about it on FB an then trying to get a hold of someone to fill us in, but helping my mother deal with learning about it that way as well. None of us were estranged, so to learn about it in that manner caused my poor mom so much heartbreak and stress.

I let my FB go about 4 or 5 years ago, but I would never, EVER post condolences (or other important health info) on ANYONE'S social media. I would message them personally.

This whole subject hits too close to home for me. And I have very strong feelings about it.

My husband chose to keep any mention of his cancer battle off of social media. He sent update emails to a large group of people, and he said right from the start that he would not be posting on Facebook about it and did not want anyone else to do that either. When he moved to hospice and we knew it wouldn’t be long, we continued the email notices.

When he died I spent some time with the people who were there or came immediately once they knew. My nephew-in-law made some phone calls for me, but we had, of course, not gotten to everyone yet. When I left his room I took Vince's phone with me, and when I looked at it in the family room, there was a pop up notice that he had been tagged in a Facebook post. Our former sister-in-law, who had been texting with my nephew that evening, had already posted on FB about his death. I was livid. So was my niece, who immediately called the SIL and told her to take it down NOW, that we were still notifying people who should hear it in person. I’m not proud of the fact that I was literally yelling at her through my niece's phone a few feet away, to get that off of FB. Not one of my finer moments, but I was so pissed that she would do that. One of her justifications was that she "loved him too." Still not her place to do that, especially within an hour or two of his death.

Unless immediate family has posted, no one else should. And it should never be the way close family members find out.