|
|
Post by dontwanttomessup on Nov 17, 2014 19:01:37 GMT
I'm a long time pea, but for my DS's privacy, I've created a new name. Several months ago my 13 year old DS told me he thought he might be gay. We talked about it and that he is loved unconditionally and so long as he is kind and true to himself that I will always support him. I asked him things like – what makes you think you might be gay? He said that he thinks some guys are good looking. We talked about the fact that I can think that a woman is attractive but that doesn't mean I'm gay. I didn't want to push him more than what he was willing to talk about things, but told him that I’m always here for him. A few weeks later he kind of randomly told me that he was 100% sure that he wasn’t gay because he likes girls too much.
Last night we were watching TV and he told me that he thinks he might be bi-sexual. His words were – 40% boys and 60% girls. We talked about a boy that he likes and I asked if the other boy was gay and DS said – unfortunately no. That answer leads me to believe that it might be a larger than 40/60 split.
DS is an amazing young man. He’s in junior high. He has always been "larger than life". He's theatrical, dramatic and so empathetic towards other people. He has always had crushes on girls and is constantly looking for a girlfriend, but I don't think most girls his age "get" him since he is so sensitive. He said they seem to be looking for bad boys.
I'm really at a loss. I don't want to mess this up by saying the wrong thing. My love for my son is unconditional and has no boundaries at all. He is told this very often. He knows I am a soft place for him to land. No judgment. Just be who you are.
But, if I'm being honest, I'm worried about him being gay. I know that he will probably have a harder time in life because of biases that are still around. I don't want him to have to go through unkindness, hate or prejudice for who he is.
Is junior high a time when kids are confused? Are they working through things? I know that when I was his age, I never questioned that I only liked boys.
We ended the conversation with me telling him that I was so glad he could share his feelings with me and trust that I wouldn't judge him. Then I asked him to do me a favor. I asked that he not go to school or talk with his buddies stating that he is gay or bi-sexual until he was sure what his true feelings are. I know that kids can get labeled at this age and it could make for a rough few years for him if he decides that he isn't gay. Was this the right thing to do?
Thanks to everyone who has read this far and has some words of advice or direction.
|
|
gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,517 
|
Post by gorgeouskid on Nov 17, 2014 19:25:55 GMT
I was with you until you said you asked him not to tell anyone that he might be gay or bisexual until he's sure. In telling you, I think he's pretty sure that there is some level of homosexuality or bisexuality. Asking him not to divulge this is going against the whole approval thing- you don't want him to tell because you don't want anyone to really know, just in case. I would have done everything up to that point the same as you, including worrying (to myself) about the hard time he'd get being gay in today's society.
I doubt that he's going to "decide" he's not gay. He either is gay/bisexual or not.
If he figures out that he isn't gay, the people and friends who loved him when he was gay/bi aren't going to hate him because he "comes out" as straight. I think he'd rather have friends to whom it just doesn't matter.
|
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Nov 17, 2014 19:40:54 GMT
Is junior high a time when kids are confused? Are they working through things? I know that when I was his age, I never questioned that I only liked boys. We ended the conversation with me telling him that I was so glad he could share his feelings with me and trust that I wouldn't judge him. Then I asked him to do me a favor. I asked that he not go to school or talk with his buddies stating that he is gay or bi-sexual until he was sure what his true feelings are. I know that kids can get labeled at this age and it could make for a rough few years for him if he decides that he isn't gay. Was this the right thing to do? Thanks to everyone who has read this far and has some words of advice or direction. I love asking someone who says being gay is a choice when exactly they made their choice, because I never choose to be heterosexual, I was born that way  . This is just an opinion, but I think the confusion your son is dealing with is reconciling his feelings/attractions with what society says is correct. We have come a long way, but it is still really hard to come out as a teenager. It is awesome that your son is talking openly with you and there is no right answer to whether he should be open with his friends. Not quite the same thing, we have a lot of conservative Christian families in our area and I caution my Atheist DS about the consequences of being vocal in his beliefs, as it will impact his social life. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:37:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 19:41:48 GMT
Really good advice comes from a therapist that can talk to him about his feelings and how to handle them.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristi521 on Nov 17, 2014 19:47:49 GMT
It is great that your son feels like he can come talk to you about this. That speaks volumes to your parenting. I don't have much advice, but I agree with a PP that suggested having your son talk to a therapist to help him work through his thoughts.
|
|
|
|
Post by M~ on Nov 17, 2014 19:55:29 GMT
Hmmmmmmm......I really have no words of advice other than having your son speak with a therapist.
As an aside, as a person who's struggled with this for what seems like a lifetime (I distinctly remember the fist time I felt attraction towards another girl) I'd like to say you're the type of parent I wish I'd had. With a mom like you, your son is going to fine no matter what.
|
|
|
|
Post by dontwanttomessup on Nov 17, 2014 19:56:01 GMT
DS started seeing a counselor two weeks ago. He goes again Wednesday.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:37:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 19:59:37 GMT
It's great that he came to you and is comfortable talking to you.
If he is verbalizing that he thinks he is gay or bi, chances are extremely high that he is. He just hasn't quite come to terms with it himself. Keep him talking, but retract what you said about asking him not to talk to his friends. It's really important that he doesn't think this is anything that needs to be hidden.
I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way.
|
|
|
|
Post by moveablefeast on Nov 17, 2014 20:02:38 GMT
Yes, this is a normal time and a normal process for some kids.
Some of us don't question. We know without a doubt and we don't have a process we need to go through.
Others of us take a less direct route. I took the less direct route - that was just my process. He is in his process.
My advice to him is to give it time. It's okay if his sense of his sexuality changes. It's okay if it seems to be confusing. It's okay if none of the descriptors fit just right. He has time to find some clarity. It's okay if he is attracted to some boys and some girls. It's okay if he really isn't sure what it all means. That's okay.
I understand the quest to find the right word. Some people don't like labels but for most of us, we need categories to understand things. It is okay if categories take some time and it is okay if they change. I came out as gay. Sometimes I used the term bisexual for a variety of reasons. These days I don't have a label at all because it's not helpful at this point in time.
If it were my child I would simply say I love him no matter what, that he can change his mind or his understanding or discover he feels differently a million times and that's fine. I am almost 40 years old and married and a mom, and I don't always feel the same way about things day to day. And that's okay. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to people but that's okay too. I am happy and I have found a life that works for me. I am part of a family that is healthy and good. That's really all I want for my kid too, no matter what path she takes to get there.
Please feel free to send me a private message if you have any questions.
|
|
|
|
Post by dontwanttomessup on Nov 17, 2014 20:06:03 GMT
I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way. I suggested the counselor for a different reason and he was very receptive to it. She's helped our family at different times during the last five years. |
|
|
|
Post by scrapbookwriter on Nov 17, 2014 20:10:58 GMT
At my nephew's middle school, being gay is very popular right now. My nephew told his mom, "Everybody at school is either gay or Christian." My nephew is neither, which leaves him feeling like an outsider. His on-again-off-again girlfriend is also on-again-off-again about her sexual preferences.
Attitudes have really changed in the past decade.
|
|
taffyapple
New Member
Posts: 7
|
Post by taffyapple on Nov 17, 2014 20:16:16 GMT
I really have no advice, other than my own experience, and I'm not gay. But in middle school, I was a super late developer, and for awhile I was fascinated with boobs and girls that had them. I really questioned whether or not I was gay.
I mention this only to say that middle school is a confusing time. Kids are discovering a lot of thinks, and learning a lot of things. I agree with you that he just needs time to figure it out, and it might be a long time.
A lot of others probably won't agree with me, but while I believe some people are truly born gay, I I've known too many people who switched back and forth, and having my own experiences, I don't believe all people are born one way or another, and some do make that choice.
Hugs to both of you while he finds his way, middle school is a rough age anyway!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:37:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 20:38:51 GMT
I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way. I suggested the counselor for a different reason and he was very receptive to it. She's helped our family at different times during the last five years. That's fantastic, then  |
|
ReneeH20
Full Member
Posts: 452
Jun 28, 2014 16:00:48 GMT
|
Post by ReneeH20 on Nov 17, 2014 20:38:59 GMT
I am the mom of a 20 yo Gay Transgender child. It took my kid quite awhile to come to terms with things and explore their own feelings. It was not one of those cases where it was obvious from day one. One thing I am learning from this journey is sometimes sexuality and gender are not as cut and dried as society would like to make it. Therapy has continued to help.
I don't think you gave him bad advice not to say anything about it to his peers. There were a couple kids in our school district that committed suicide from being bullied for being gay. My own kid has not come out to everybody...only safe people. My biggest fear is not that my kid is gay and transgender, but how other people will treat them.
|
|
|
|
Post by Regina Phalange on Nov 17, 2014 20:59:19 GMT
It's great that he came to you and is comfortable talking to you. If he is verbalizing that he thinks he is gay or bi, chances are extremely high that he is. He just hasn't quite come to terms with it himself. Keep him talking, but retract what you said about asking him not to talk to his friends. It's really important that he doesn't think this is anything that needs to be hidden. I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way. Going to therapy doesn't mean there has to be a "problem." Thoughts like this are what keeps people from seeking out therapy due to the stigma of "problems" attached to it. You can seek a therapist for anything you want to better understand about yourself. Doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:37:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 21:04:10 GMT
It's great that he came to you and is comfortable talking to you. If he is verbalizing that he thinks he is gay or bi, chances are extremely high that he is. He just hasn't quite come to terms with it himself. Keep him talking, but retract what you said about asking him not to talk to his friends. It's really important that he doesn't think this is anything that needs to be hidden. I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way. Going to therapy doesn't mean there has to be a "problem." Thoughts like this are what keeps people from seeking out therapy due to the stigma of "problems" attached to it. You can seek a therapist for anything you want to better understand about yourself. Doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing. *I* understand that. I was concerned that a teen in this position may not understand that and may misinterpret the intention. The OP has clarified the her son is already going to therapy and was receptive to it. That's great. I think therapy can be extremely helpful for a number of things, including this situation. |
|
|
|
Post by Regina Phalange on Nov 17, 2014 21:26:39 GMT
Going to therapy doesn't mean there has to be a "problem." Thoughts like this are what keeps people from seeking out therapy due to the stigma of "problems" attached to it. You can seek a therapist for anything you want to better understand about yourself. Doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing. *I* understand that. I was concerned that a teen in this position may not understand that and may misinterpret the intention. The OP has clarified the her son is already going to therapy and was receptive to it. That's great. I think therapy can be extremely helpful for a number of things, including this situation. AAhhhh....gotcha!! I'm kind of sensitive because so many think you have to be "crazy" or have something wrong with you to be in therapy...lol. |
|
msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
|
Post by msliz on Nov 17, 2014 21:28:47 GMT
I think the only thing I would advise him on right now is to chill and not get hung up on the labels. Labels are restricting.
He's too young to date anyway, so he can just have his friends and his crushes for now.
And in a few years, if he finds it helpful to label himself gay or bi or pan or queer, he can do it then.
|
|
|
|
Post by lbp on Nov 17, 2014 21:29:40 GMT
I think you gave him great advice and am glad he wants to talk it out with a therapist. My good friend's son announced that he was gay in high school and started "going with", "dating" or whatever kids call it these day a guy friend. He was very bullied in high school because of it. He did not handle it well and it was very hard for him and my friend. A couple years into college he has decided that he isn't gay and is "dating" "going with", a girl. Hormones are crazy at that age!
|
|
|
|
Post by tiffanyannhulsey on Nov 17, 2014 21:59:49 GMT
I'm not sure if this is an option at his school but my DD (who at 13 has come out to the family as bi) and some of her friends started a Gay Straight Alliance club at school. It has been a great outlet for some of the kids to talk about their feelings with their peers and learn more about LBGT issues that they can expect as they embrace their individuality.
|
|
|
|
Post by gar on Nov 17, 2014 22:16:29 GMT
I think you're doing a great job. I'm not sure that asking him to keep it quiet is a good idea or necessary. Younger people are generally much more tolerant/less fazed by gay-ness than some older people IMO.
|
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Nov 17, 2014 22:30:16 GMT
I agree with people upthread that if he is voicing these feelings at all, chances are pretty decent that he is attracted to some extent to boys. I am glad that he feels comfortable talking to you. I do think it is an age when kids are working a lot of things out, and I also think that there are many of us who are attracted to people in ways that are more complicated than a gay/straight binary.
I know we all worry about what our kids can face. I do think things are much better now, particularly among teens and tweens, who have grown up with non-straight sexual orientation as a normal thing. When that Macklemore "Same Love" song was out a few years ago, my then-fifth-grade kid's classmates sang it on the end-of-year class CD, just thrown in with a bunch of other songs. Whereas when I was growing up, the parents tried to shut down the support group for gay students at my high school. Whatever path your kid is on, I think it is an easier path today, and the fact that he has a supportive family makes it easier still.
|
|
georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
|
Post by georgiapea on Nov 17, 2014 22:30:56 GMT
Have you talked to him about what happens physically when he looks at and thinks about certain people? As in sexually aroused is what I'm trying to say. Is that a subject you can bring up? Maybe asking if he imagines holding hands with someone when he thinks about them might get the discussion started. As long as you are there for him, he'll be ok as he goes through this phase of reaching adulthood.
|
|
stittsygirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,664
Location: In the leaves and rain.
|
Post by stittsygirl on Nov 17, 2014 22:41:22 GMT
My son is a freshman in high school and has been out for a couple of years. He initially said gay, but is still figuring out where he fits on the Kinsey scale, which is normal. It's not easy being out in his conservative Texas high school though. The slurs are what bother him the most, but he still feels fairly safe there. I walk a fine line between being proud of his desire to be out and who he is, and terrified I'm going to receive a call at some point saying he's been beaten or worse. I talk about this with him frequently, and ask him to spare his poor old mom's nerves and try not to make himself too much of a target, but let him know that ultimately it's his choice about how out he chooses to be, and that I love and support him no matter what. I also let him know that if anything about school gets too hard or scary, there are always other options.
I think coming out to your parents is one of the biggest hurdles for most kids, not sure if they'll still love and support them or not. It sounds like you're doing a great job so far.
|
|
PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,843
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
|
Post by PaperAngel on Nov 17, 2014 22:42:41 GMT
As a fellow parent to a middle schooler, IMHO you handled the situation with your son appropriately. Given all students face physical/academic/social/emotional/etc. changes & challenges to their world view in middle school, please assure your son that EVERY ONE OF HIS PEERS is experiencing uncertainty & confusion during this transitional stage in their development. He is undoubtedly not the only person questioning his sexuality, while others are inevitably struggling with their bodies/appearance, religion, intelligence, social status, or other issues; self-exploration & doubt is normal for EVERYONE at this age.
Knowing some students choose to belittle others as a way to camouflage or downplay their own struggles, I also understand why you, as a concerned parent, discouraged your son from announcing his sexual preference(s) at school until he has processed & is confident in it himself. While no teen needs unnecessary distractions, potential drama, or outsiders possibly questioning/altering his journey through self-discovery, a supervised school group (that accepts students regardless of sexuality, not limited to non-heterosexuals) may provide him with a safe place to be himself & accepted at school among peers as he navigates these feelings.
Continue reassuring your son that you love him unconditionally, his mixed feelings & confusion are normal at this stage, & his sexuality does not define him. If you ever feel overwhelmed, please also schedule an appointment with the therapist to seek ways that you can continue to support him. He is fortunate to have you along for his journey! (((Hugs))) & best wishes to him & you...
|
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 17, 2014 22:44:53 GMT
(((hugs)))
You are a good parent. I can hear your caring and love for your son in your post. And obviously you are doing something right - he came to you to talk.
This will probably be the first of many talks about how he feels, his crushes, his romances, etc. One thing that you can talk about him with is that there is a whole gray scale of sexuality. On one side of the scale, a man is only attracted to women. And one the opposite side of the scale, a man is only attracted to other men. And then there is all the in between degrees of attractions towards other people. And the most important part of this is to tell him: There is no wrong. Attracted to a man, to a woman, to both, are all good and acceptable choices.
I think the best thing you can do is to repeat to him every time he brings this up, it is okay to feel how ever he feels. Both are good. Both are acceptable.
And, also, to touch on not wanting him to tell people he may/is interested in other men.... I have found that many larger cities are very accepting. You will find hate everywhere, but there is more acceptance in larger cities (I live in one. I also have lived in tiny podunk towns)
And just another thought, maybe see if he wants to go to a LGBT youth group. It might make him feel more comfortable if he sees there are other teens that are in his shoes and share his feelings. Heck, maybe he'll find a nice boyfriend (if he's allowed to date yet, parents' house rules, and all that)
|
|
|
|
Post by Tamhugh on Nov 17, 2014 22:52:13 GMT
My mama heart hurts for all of you who have to worry about your LGBT children's safety.
I think that it sounds like you are being loving and supportive and he knows that or he wouldn't be able to come to you. I don't think it would be wrong to admit to him that sometimes you may say the wrong thing because you are traveling uncharted territory as much as he is. It might also help you to see his therapist or one that you are comfortable with to help guide you. I have gay friends and extended family members and work with a lot of LGBT students but I still think it would be different to deal with it as a parent. I would like to have professional advice to guide me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Regina Phalange on Nov 17, 2014 23:34:22 GMT
May I also suggest you check and see if there is a local PFLAG chapter in your area. It's a wonderful organization for the whole family. I cannot recommend it more. |
|
|
|
Post by not2peased on Nov 18, 2014 0:15:18 GMT
I think you handled it very well
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:37:47 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2014 0:27:58 GMT
It's great that he came to you and is comfortable talking to you. If he is verbalizing that he thinks he is gay or bi, chances are extremely high that he is. He just hasn't quite come to terms with it himself. Keep him talking, but retract what you said about asking him not to talk to his friends. It's really important that he doesn't think this is anything that needs to be hidden. I'm not so sure about the therapist idea at this point. It risks making him feel like you think there's a problem that needs to be fixed. I know that's not your intention, but he may perceive it that way. I agree with this exactly. My friend's daughter first thought she was gay and had a relationship with a girl. Then she had a relationship with a boy. Now (age 18) she realizes she's bisexual. So much acceptance these days for all of these choices. I would just say encourage him to keep talking, including to his friends if he wants. Your love and support will always mean the world to him. You are a great mom. |
|
.
