River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
|
Post by River on Nov 17, 2014 19:05:24 GMT
My MIL past away April of 2013 from cancer. Before she past, she made my DH and me promise to look after her husband, my DH's step dad. He was aware that she asked us this and was "thrilled" that he'd get to see me more often. When I first met my DH, I feel in love with his mom before I fell in love with him. But her husband was a different story, he was a big time drinker and would get very hands on with me. So, I stopped coming around as often and my MIL knew why and understood. Now that she's gone, I've been stuck trying to look after him. He stopped drinking years ago and was much better! Now, he's acting like he has a crush on me and keeps touching me. If I get within arms reach, he's hugging me, kissing me, teasing me about how cute I am and really making me uncomfortable.
This past week, he came to my work to take me out to lunch. Nice surprise! *cough cough* After this lunch "date", he bragged to his two daughters about how nice I was to him and how much he loved me. (They know he was a creepy man towards me and I stayed clear of him.) Now he seems to think it's acceptable to just show up here at work. Grab my hand anytime I'm near him, come in for a kiss and plant one directly on my mouth and slap my behind when I go to leave. Friday, I told him that his behavior was making me uncomfortable and that if it continued I'd quit coming around. He called his daughter and told her that I was being unkind and mean to him. She called my DH and he set her straight on exactly what happened, but she sounded like she didn't believe him.
We have Thanksgiving dinner with them this weekend and I feel really uncomfortable. Can you please give me tips on how to take the high road here and get through this. Any tips on how to handle the old creepy man? No matter how much I try to stay away from him, he'll find away to get near me. Telling him point blank to stop also has no effect on him either, he turns it around to make me seem like the bad guy. Is there any way I can tell his daughters that I am not going to look after him any longer, they should step up more and take care of him. I of course feel horrible because I promised my MIL I'd look after him for her.
Thanks all!
|
|
|
|
Post by pelirroja on Nov 17, 2014 19:13:27 GMT
That was a very sweet promise to make to your MIL but your FIL sounds like he is taking advantage of the situation. I'd skip the Thanksgiving feast this year and find a new way for you and your DH to celebrate. Create a new family tradition and new ways of doing things. There's a big difference between a creepy old man and a creepy old FIL: it's kind of hard to avoid the second one (the first one you can always get a restraining order, if need be).
From this point forward, be "too busy" to leave for lunch with him. Tell him your boss isn't approving this "just drop-in" behavior of his. As long as you keep going along, your FIL will continue. Say "no" as many times as necessary to get your point across that you are serious. Enough is enough. I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing and I'm reasonably sure he chose you because he senses you feel guilty or beholden. Your MIL is gone and it's time to renegotiate the promises you and your DH made to her.
If FIL holds your hand, draw your hand back and make it obvious that you know what you are doing and you intentionally escaped his clutches. If he tries to kiss you, physically move and duck, if need be. Use your hands to forcibly stop him mid-air and say "no thanks, I'm good" if he's offering up affection. Your sweet nature and unwillingness to raise a ruckus are making your situation worse. A little bit of bitchiness and loudness will solve the problem. He knows he can manipulate you and keep you quiet so that's what he does. My favorite phrase to use when facing creepy behavior is "Don't make me mace you". Since they aren't sure if I'm kidding or not, the bad behavior stops dead in its' tracks.
Honoring your MIL doesn't mean you need to make yourself a target for your FIL's boorish behavior. It's time for his daughters to deal with him and it will be up to your DH to make the point to his sisters.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:58:52 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 19:20:34 GMT
There are times to take the high road. There are times to run the bulldozer. It is time to run him over with the proverbial bulldozer. DO NOT EVER go anywhere without one of his dds or your dh going too. NEVER EVER be alone with him for any reason. Even if he drops in for a lunch date don't go. Be too busy.
He knows you feel guilty and you won't knee him or slap him for his advances. Time to fix that. Who cares what his daughters think of you. If they are worried you will hurt him they can take care of him.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:58:52 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 19:25:44 GMT
His daughters are the ones who should be taking of him.
My FIL was very very "handsy" with young waitresses. He got ban from from a couple restaurants because the waitresses thought he was going to attack them.
BUT
We were lucky that a gal he was hitting on introduced him to her landlord and they hit it off. We love the new girlfriend. I like her more than I ever did MIL. He has stopped most of his creepy ways and focus all of his attention on girlfriend. She loves it.
Maybe your FIL needs a girlfriend ?
|
|
MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,927
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
|
Post by MizIndependent on Nov 17, 2014 19:28:56 GMT
For Thanksgiving...might be best to stay glued to your DH...I mean, do not let him leave your side. I bet COM (creepy old man) won't do anything in front of him and if he does, that's a prime opportunity for your DH to speak up on your behalf, "COM, You have been asked before, now I'm TELLING you, stop pawing at MY WIFE."
|
|
gorgeouskid
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,517 
|
Post by gorgeouskid on Nov 17, 2014 19:41:19 GMT
He has his own daughters? He's probably creeped (or worse) on them all their lives. Maybe your mom knew, and thought that as an outsider, you'd be safe from him. It appears that you're not. I wouldn't even go to Thanksgiving and not give an explanation. I'd be having my husband do that. Don't be guilted into putting yourself into a gross situation.
I was creeped on by several of my father's friends when I was a teenager, and no one looked out for me then. I didn't know to tell them to stop, because I was kind of flattered that they were paying attention to me. Now I recognize what it was. My father was too self-involved to see their treatment of me for what it really was.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:58:52 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 19:55:13 GMT
That was a very sweet promise to make to your MIL but your FIL sounds like he is taking advantage of the situation. I'd skip the Thanksgiving feast this year and find a new way for you and your DH to celebrate. Create a new family tradition and new ways of doing things. There's a big difference between a creepy old man and a creepy old FIL: it's kind of hard to avoid the second one (the first one you can always get a restraining order, if need be). From this point forward, be "too busy" to leave for lunch with him. Tell him your boss isn't approving this "just drop-in" behavior of his. As long as you keep going along, your FIL will continue. Say "no" as many times as necessary to get your point across that you are serious. Enough is enough. I'm pretty sure he knows what he's doing and I'm reasonably sure he chose you because he senses you feel guilty or beholden. Your MIL is gone and it's time to renegotiate the promises you and your DH made to her. If FIL holds your hand, draw your hand back and make it obvious that you know what you are doing and you intentionally escaped his clutches. If he tries to kiss you, physically move and duck, if need be. Use your hands to forcibly stop him mid-air and say "no thanks, I'm good" if he's offering up affection. Your sweet nature and unwillingness to raise a ruckus are making your situation worse. A little bit of bitchiness and loudness will solve the problem. He knows he can manipulate you and keep you quiet so that's what he does. My favorite phrase to use when facing creepy behavior is "Don't make me mace you". Since they aren't sure if I'm kidding or not, the bad behavior stops dead in its' tracks. Honoring your MIL doesn't mean you need to make yourself a target for your FIL's boorish behavior. It's time for his daughters to deal with him and it will be up to your DH to make the point to his sisters.  Plus in your post your MIL knew and understood why you weren't coming around as much.....so I think you don't need to make good on your promise. He is a bully and is taking advantage of your kindness. |
|
|
|
Post by dreamer on Nov 17, 2014 19:59:27 GMT
You know what. I'd just play it cool on Thanksgiving. See if he acts up in front of EVERYONE! Then if he does you can say see I told you. Then I'd be calling the DD's to come and take care of Pervy Old Dad! Ugh! You poor thing!
If your husband knows what is happening with horn dog why doesn't he lay some ground rules down?
|
|
|
|
Post by Dictionary on Nov 17, 2014 20:04:47 GMT
So sorry you are in this predicament. I know you have said telling him point blank doesn't work, but I think I would ask your dh to reaffirm to him that you are not comfortable with his mannerisms towards you and would prefer it if he could give you your space. I would also try to be around someone else when he was around and if he were to do or say anything I would back away and insert other person between you and him.
If you can, also have his daughters speak to him as well, perhaps the more times he hears it for more than just yourself he will get the idea.
|
|
basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,699
|
Post by basketdiva on Nov 17, 2014 20:10:51 GMT
You said telling him to stop doesn't work but I would be saying it quite loudly if he 'creeps on" you at Thanksgiving. Let everyone know he is bothering. You have to be assertive. In this situation I wouldn't care what promise I made to my Mom. As others have said, let his own daughters take care of him.
|
|
marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
|
Post by marianne on Nov 17, 2014 20:18:45 GMT
I seriously don't understand why you wouldn't tell this man to keep his hands to himself. I wouldn't care if Jesus Christ Himself walked into my living room and touched me in any way that made me feel uncomfortable... I would be telling Him to BACK OFF! You wouldn't let any other man cause you discomfort, why are you letting this lech do it? It doesn't matter who he is, he's a dirty old man and you need to speak up for yourself. Additionally, I would also have my husband tell the man to knock it off... simply because it makes you uncomfortable. That's reason enough.
|
|
|
|
Post by librarylady on Nov 17, 2014 20:38:03 GMT
He is planning on you being polite and well mannered.
However, since he and his daughters have been told that he is crossing boundaries......I'd go to family dinner as planned. The minute he does something, and you know he will, in a VERY LOUD VOICE call out "I told you to stop! I told you to quit touching me!".......and whatever else you need to say.
Yes, it will be upsetting the holiday--but it will be upsetting the holiday for the last time!
Key to this is embarrassing him and letting the family know he is acting like a pig. If he is called out LOUD and clear everytime he does anything, it will stop.
Slapping your behind is over the top offensive.
If you offend him, so what? If he never comes round again, congratulations.
I'd stop the work visits also. If telling him won't work, then enlist the aid of your boss to stop him at the door and say he can't come in again. I would NEVER go to lunch with him. Just be blunt and as rude as possible. "No, I won't go to lunch with you. You have offended me and I don't want to be alone with you."
He is the kind of person you will have to knock down with his own type of behavior--and he is counting on you being too well mannered to do it.
|
|
wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,203
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
|
Post by wellway on Nov 17, 2014 20:46:27 GMT
I am so mad he is taking advantage of your kind nature. Time to get assertive. You need to stand up for yourself. If you are not use to being assertive, then practise with your DH or a good girlfriend. COM needs to know he is stepping way over the line and he will only know it when you tell him. As others have said he is banking on you not being able to push him away, verbally or physically. You need to put him straight. Whilst your husband may be able to warn him off, he really needs to hear it from you. Never be alone with him.
You have sons but if a girlfriend outlined this type of behaviour was happening to her daughter, what you tell her to do?
This is not okay, you have the solution within you, you owe this COM nothing because he has abused your kindness. Your promise to your MIL does not override your need to keep yourself safe. Typing out a response hasn't worked I'm still mad for you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:58:52 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2014 20:52:55 GMT
Looking after him doesn't mean it has to be hands on or even done by you. You can ensure he receives the care he needs and not be around. make arrangements for him, but you don't have to be there.
Annette
|
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Nov 17, 2014 20:59:39 GMT
If he's healthy enough to show up at your work and grope you on a "date", he doesn't need you to look after him. That's not your job. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to keep his hands off and stay away from your job or you'll take this further if need be. He's abusing your kindness. Ask yourself if you'd put up with that from a stranger--the answer would be NO.
It would be nice if your DH tells him the same thing, because old pervs like that will often back off when they know a man is involved (not that you're not capable, I'm just saying I've encountered plenty of dirty old men in my nursing career and that generation in particular seems to shape up faster when a man weighs in).
|
|
|
|
Post by supersoda on Nov 17, 2014 21:04:15 GMT
I would let your DH meet the obligation to his mother and stay as far away as possible. This is certainly not what she had in mind. And why can't his own children take care of him?
Also, is he exhibiting signs of dimensia? My grandfather got this way with my brother's and cousin's wives toward the end of his life. He was never a stellar citizen, but he seemed to lose all inhibition once the dimensia started to set in.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
|
|
msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
|
Post by msliz on Nov 17, 2014 21:10:30 GMT
DH and his sisters are perfectly capable of physically looking after him.
You can help look after him by picking up groceries for DH to deliver, or by going on Amazon to order him some socks.
Even with your promise to MIL, you're really under no obligation to ever spend time with that jackhole again.
Will Thanksgiving be at a SIL's house? Get there late, tell DH to run interference, and leave early.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,412
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Nov 17, 2014 21:24:49 GMT
There are times to take the high road. There are times to run the bulldozer. It is time to run him over with the proverbial bulldozer. DO NOT EVER go anywhere without one of his dds or your dh going too. NEVER EVER be alone with him for any reason. Even if he drops in for a lunch date don't go. Be too busy. He knows you feel guilty and you won't knee him or slap him for his advances. Time to fix that. Who cares what his daughters think of you. If they are worried you will hurt him they can take care of him. and if he shows up at work, get someone else to send him packing. Like Security. |
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 17, 2014 21:39:57 GMT
You need to stop caring if you look like the bad guy. I'm quite sure everyone that matters realizes the real problem. Who cares if he goes crying to his children that you're mean. Perhaps the will realize that they can't rely on you to take care of their father. As others have said, decline any and all lunch invitations and if he shows up at work tell him to leave.
|
|
|
|
Post by penny on Nov 17, 2014 21:42:40 GMT
Someone (anyone), putting their hands on you when you don't consent is assault, and it is sexual assault if the touching includes hugging and kissing... You have every right to tell him no... Families often frame this kind of behaviour as the assailant being "touchy feely", "extra friendly", or "creepy", when he's the one abusing the kids, or "tipsy" when he's an alcoholic... Not saying your FIL has taken it to that level, but it is the same behaviour... People (general, no one specific), need to start recognizing appropriate boundaries and stop referring to abuse in cutesy language... Sorry - this is a huge thing for me... But if you don't want someone touching you, there is no grey area - you can tell them no, and expect them to listen...
Use people like me as an example... Can you imagine if he did that to the 'wrong' woman? I'd have him charged with assault... It's a different world out there - maybe explaining how his behaviour is not acceptable and risky might be a way to talk about it...
Don't second guess yourself. Your body, your rules.
|
|
|
|
Post by ChicagoKTS on Nov 17, 2014 21:55:40 GMT
I don't care what kind of death bed promise was made, having someone I consider creepy and overly friendly and touchy would be a big NO for me! At work, I would not be available for his visits. Hopefully you have some sort of receptionist or co-worker who will tell him if he stops by that you are busy and not available to see him at that time. For family gatherings, I would make sure to never be alone with him. If he enters a room where you are alone, leave immediately. Anytime, he was too close to me even in the company of others, I might take the passive aggressive approach and accidently spill something on him. I would just keep continually moving away from him. I had an in-law where I had to practice this sort of evasive measures with for years and years. I became very adept at avoiding him in passive ways.
|
|
|
|
Post by jmurray on Nov 17, 2014 22:20:22 GMT
I would have given him the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe he was just one of those people who are touchy / huggy in a friendly way, not sexual. That was until you said he kissed you on the lips. Ewwww. Definitely not a friend thing!
But you have now told him you're not comfortable with it, and he definitely heard you because he told his daughters. Likely he did that to cover himself in case you said anything to them or your DH. I think he knows full well he was out of order. So I would let it go and see if he respects what you said. At this stage (from what you posted) you haven't had an interaction with him since you told him that, so I would give him a chance (just one) to correct his behaviour. Wait to see how it plays out at Thanksgiving. If he tries it again then you should amp up your response, but it may not be necessary.
|
|
River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
|
Post by River on Nov 17, 2014 22:22:38 GMT
Thanks ladies for your advice. It helps just knowing that it's reasonable and ok to feel uncomfortable with his touchy feely crap. I've had enough and have made myself clear on that with his daughters. I absolutely hate confrontation, but this is over my limit. My DH will also be watching him like a hawk during our dinner.
|
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Nov 17, 2014 23:10:17 GMT
There are times to take the high road. There are times to run the bulldozer. It is time to run him over with the proverbial bulldozer. DO NOT EVER go anywhere without one of his dds or your dh going too. NEVER EVER be alone with him for any reason. Even if he drops in for a lunch date don't go. Be too busy. He knows you feel guilty and you won't knee him or slap him for his advances. Time to fix that. Who cares what his daughters think of you. If they are worried you will hurt him they can take care of him. If it was ANY other man, what would you do? Don't let him sexually harrass and molest you out of a sense of obligation to his dead wife. |
|
IPeaFreely
Full Member
Posts: 389
Location: Castle Frankenstein
Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
|
Post by IPeaFreely on Nov 17, 2014 23:42:16 GMT
I wouldn't say he creeps you out in front of everyone. Thats a subjective statement and it sounds mean and makes you look bad. State what it is that he is doing that you don't like "Don't touch my bottom!" or "Don't kiss me on the lips!" I think everyone should agree that behavior is not acceptable and takes your feelings out of the equation.
|
|
|
|
Post by penny on Nov 17, 2014 23:53:35 GMT
You might want to mention to DH that if FIL starts "liking" other women - nurses, caregivers, like that, you all are going to have huge problems when/if his health deteriorates and he needs more care... Professional caregivers/healthcare workers will treat his behaviour for what it is... He will be criminally charged and either removed from the facility, loose the services, or be restrained...
If it help, stopping an abuser isn't just good for the victim... It's what's best for the abuser too...
|
|
|
|
Post by annabella on Nov 18, 2014 0:13:41 GMT
My DH will also be watching him like a hawk during our dinner. That's what I was going to suggest and for your dh to call him out on the spot. You know the man has children, you and your DH don't have to be part of his life. You need to tell him not to come to your office again. Or walk up to him and tell him you're busy that day. I'd also find a way to stop hugging him permanently. The kissing on the lips thing is gross, sorry you had to deal with that. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Nov 18, 2014 1:19:36 GMT
I think if anyone made me feel uncomfortable like that I would not go to Thanksgiving dinner with them around. You don't need to give him another chance to be uncomfortable around him. Second chances are for people that make mistakes and don't prey upon women. His touching and kissing you is not just over the line, but horribly gross. Make some excuse and start putting up fences. Get hubby on board with this so in the future you have someone who always has your back. The daughters love their dad and will not see your side of things unless things get worse. Why let them get worse? Life is short. Spend it with those that bring you up not down.
|
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,415
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on Nov 18, 2014 7:03:52 GMT
I would go with "keep your @)&€?~€ hands off me!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Miss Ang on Nov 18, 2014 12:43:20 GMT
Thanks ladies for your advice. It helps just knowing that it's reasonable and ok to feel uncomfortable with his touchy feely crap. I've had enough and have made myself clear on that with his daughters. I absolutely hate confrontation, but this is over my limit. My DH will also be watching him like a hawk during our dinner. Why hasn't your husband told him to back off? I would most certainly expect my husband to talk to his dad and say something along the lines of "Touching my wife is not ok. She does not like it and I will not allow it." That would be a deal breaker to end the relationship with him if my FIL made us feel like this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope it stops. |
|
