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Post by birdy on Jun 15, 2021 16:25:51 GMT
DS is getting married next summer. We're planning to get together with her family and the couple to talk about plans. I've read articles online about what a grooms parents traditionally pay for. For those of you who have been the groom's parent, I'd love to hear what you paid for and how you handled that with the bride's family. We have a set budget we can afford to give them. Rather than us paying specifically for x,y,z, we'd just like to offer them the amount we can and let them apply it as they see fit. Does that sound reasonable? How do we tactfully bring this up? We're willing to provide a fair amount, but can't go above that if they decide on adding extra stuff. I'm having social anxiety about the whole meeting. Help! Advice, thoughts, thanks!
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Post by sideways on Jun 15, 2021 16:29:22 GMT
I haven’t been in that position yet, but I’d suggest talking with your son and his fiancée before meeting with her parents. That way, they know what you’re thinking and you might get an idea of what her family will pay for before you all sit down together. That might help with the anxiety.
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Post by mikewozowski on Jun 15, 2021 16:38:37 GMT
what the grooms family pays for has changed over time. it is more now than it used to be. i hear of one wedding where the brides family presented a bill to the grooms family of the things they are traditionally responsible for. a wedding bar can cost 500 or 10,000 or more! the bride's family is ultimately making all the decisions, though. you can have a meeting beforehand to discuss, but if you have a set amount you can contribute, just tell them that. i don't know what your number is, but it likely not enough compared to what you should cover. today's weddings are expensive, even if you try to be pretty budget conscious.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Jun 15, 2021 16:40:52 GMT
I think tradition as to whose family pays for what has really gone out the windows these days. When my son got married the bride's family really wasn't in a position to pay for much, and we did what you're thinking of, and told him this is an amount you have, whatever you put it towards this fine whether it's the wedding, the house, whatever it may be. At least the people I'm around, there's not so much emphasis on traditionally who pays for what anymore and really most of the time the bride and groom were looking at paying for it themselves with maybe some help from their families.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Jun 15, 2021 16:44:07 GMT
If your set amount includes the rehearsal dinner be clear about that. I’ve had two friends who approached their child’s wedding as you are with one lump sum and in both cases the couple didn’t understand that included the rehearsal dinner. They thought the money was for the wedding only. It worked out fine in both cases but upfront communication would have prevented any issues.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 15, 2021 16:46:18 GMT
We paid for everything and it was a small, beautiful wedding. We want to host a reception for them but the kids don’t want one.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 15, 2021 16:55:07 GMT
i hear of one wedding where the brides family presented a bill to the grooms family of the things they are traditionally responsible for. the bride's family is ultimately making all the decisions, though. i don't know what your number is, but it likely not enough compared to what you should cover. Umm... no to all of this. First of all, the couple should be making all the decisions, families shouldn't even enter into it. Second, I cannot even imagine one of my children expecting me to pay for a wedding, ever. Third, no one gets to dictate to you how much you *want* to give. Reading threads like this always makes me hope my children choose to elope and use their gifted and hard-earned money on a home.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 15, 2021 16:57:14 GMT
When my husband and I got married (10 years ago this year where does the time go???) we had our venue payments broken up into three payments and my parents, his parents, and we as a couple all took care of one payment each. My husbands parents also covered the cost of the rehearsal dinner. Everything else was paid for by my husband and I.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,511
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Jun 15, 2021 16:57:32 GMT
At least the people I'm around, there's not so much emphasis on traditionally who pays for what anymore and really most of the time the bride and groom were looking at paying for it themselves with maybe some help from their families. While I agree that this is becoming the new normal, I'd also say understand that different families have different expectations. My mother believed that any social event took it's cues from Emily Post and the grooms family would pay for XYZ items as dictated by her 1950's era Emily book, and expected them to pay for only those items. I would absolutely sit down with your son and soon to be DIL and say our intention is to give you x ammt. Use it for any part of the wedding (including rehersal dinner etc) but this is what we can give. Then leave the door open to what does the bride's family expect you guys to do? They may say great, we can put in x ammt and you guys work with this as your budget. They may say we only pay for X and Y but groom's family covers Z. Be open and honest with the couple. Also, I'd say if you have a tradition or want something done, at least ask. It may be a simple request to honor, hey can we have a photo of someone no longer with us on the table to have them be a part of the day? May be no big deal to them, but important to you. I'm an only child and wanted to include my cousins in my wedding. I did 16 rounds with my mother over having my younger cousins be flower boy/girl as mom felt they were too old. The florist suggested having them walk down the isle with a flower in "memory of those not able to celebrate with us today". We both got what we wanted, they were not called flower children and they were included. if it's important speak up, it may be easily accommodated.
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Post by FrozenPea on Jun 15, 2021 17:08:38 GMT
I think it depends on the type of wedding etc.
Both my girls paid for their own wedding and didn't ask for anything. We volunteered to paid for things like their dresses, the cake, hotels, etc. They both wanted to do it on their own.
The biggest thing I can say is have open and honest communication.
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Post by coaliesquirrel on Jun 15, 2021 17:21:40 GMT
Don't be thinking JUST about the money. It would probably be helpful to come to the meeting with lists of who you'd need/want to invite in various scenarios - small, family-only, smallish but with close family friends, unlimited, etc. - or if the couple already knows what size wedding/reception they want, a proposed list for that size of event.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 15, 2021 17:23:02 GMT
We haven’t gotten to the weddings yet, but we did this with the kids’ colleges. They had x number of dollars to spend and could use it on further education or a house. Anything else we wouldn’t pay for.
We plan to do what you are proposing. Then the couple can choose how extravagant of a wedding they want and know exactly what you are contributing. They can adjust their expectations and chose how large or fancy they want the wedding to be based on the budget.
My one caveat is the photographer. If they chose to use a friend or family member, I would ask that I can hire a photographer to come in for some photos. My brother’s wife had a family member offer to take their photos and the aunt didn’t have any extra lights or lenses and had no idea how to light a white wedding dress and a black tux in a dark church. I didn’t know her well enough back then to say anything, but the photos did not turn out and they paid a lot to have an editor fix the photos.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 15, 2021 17:35:48 GMT
My kids are not marriage age, so I am talking about my own experiences and the experiences of my friends here, but I do not know that I would go into this with assumptions in mind about the bride v. groom’s family—at least when I was getting married, and that has been a while, arrangements were based more on respective finances than anything else for most of my friends and their fiancees and their families.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 15, 2021 17:36:01 GMT
My kids are not marriage age, so I am talking about my own experiences and the experiences of my friends here, but I do not know that I would go into this with assumptions in mind about the bride v. groom’s family—at least when I was getting married, and that has been a while, arrangements were based more on respective finances than anything else for most of my friends and their partners and their families.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,496
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Jun 15, 2021 17:43:02 GMT
My daughter is getting married next week. My husband and I are in for $X amount. The groom's parents are in for the same $x amount. They can easily have a nice wedding with the amount we are both giving them. We are all financially stable - including the bride & groom. The groom's parents told us that they wanted to contribute - they are giving it directly to the couple. We are making our payment to the venue. The bride & groom are going to handle the payments for everything else using the money his parents gave them and their own if they need to. I think arrangements where everyone takes 1/3 are somewhat common. We were lucky that we all had common vision. We wanted our kids to have the kind of wedding they wanted, but also one where it would be enjoyable to be a guest. If the groom's parents would have been people who were contributing less or not at all, we would not have increased the amount of money we wanted to give.
eta - as far as how to bring this up - In our case the groom's mother told us that they planned to contribute money toward the wedding and didn't believe that the bride's family should have to pay for everything. She did say that she wanted them to have a nice dinner for their guests because her mother still talks about her cousin who got a large sum of money for her wedding and made it a potluck. I totally agree with her. My daughter is marrying into such a nice family. I'm so happy for her.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jun 15, 2021 17:58:41 GMT
Lots of good advice already. Please don't do what my MIL did. She insisted to know exactly what my parents were giving us so they could match it, because she was at a wedding where it was made very clear the bride's family paid $$$$ amount and the groom's family only paid $ amount. I don't know why this had to be a topic if discussion and felt bad for the groom's family. Maybe their $ put a lot more stress on them financially than the bride's $$$$.
When it was close to our wedding date MIL said we had $$$.$$ left with them. I told DH I would not ask his parents for another penny because I will not chance going over that amount by even one $. They kep asking what we needed and I kept saying nothing.
I also told DH we should had said my parents are giving $$$$ and see if they would still match it. Unfortunately my mom got sick the summer before we were married so my parents were not able to contribute any money really. Mom was not working and a lot of their money was spent on medical bills and such. We never said a word to the in-laws, they did not need to know. DH and I made some changes so we could afford to pay for everything ourselves. We also got some very generous gifts to help offset some very specific expenses.
My advice, give what you can and it is between you and the couple. Why does anyone else need to know what you give?
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Post by voltagain on Jun 15, 2021 18:03:15 GMT
DS is getting married next summer. We're planning to get together with her family and the couple to talk about plans. I've read articles online about what a grooms parents traditionally pay for. For those of you who have been the groom's parent, I'd love to hear what you paid for and how you handled that with the bride's family. We have a set budget we can afford to give them. Rather than us paying specifically for x,y,z, we'd just like to offer them the amount we can and let them apply it as they see fit. Does that sound reasonable? How do we tactfully bring this up? We're willing to provide a fair amount, but can't go above that if they decide on adding extra stuff. I'm having social anxiety about the whole meeting. Help! Advice, thoughts, thanks! I never handled it with the bride's family. If son is adult enough to get married HE is adult enough to handle it. Just tell your son & daughter in law what you can afford to gift them for all wedding related expenses. Let them decide how to use the funds. Son1 was married in Japan. I was not able to contribute anything. I have no idea what he may have paid for. He only regaled me with the wedding apparel shopping. Apparently it is normal for the couple to shop for their wedding clothes together. He decided to stand firm on the American tradition a groom should not see the bride in her gown until the wedding. He also refused to wear beige/peach tones because on him it looks nude. So they shopped for his clothes. Her mother was thrilled to go with her to shop for the wedding gown. Son2 had a very low key wedding. They paid for it themselves.
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Post by monklady123 on Jun 15, 2021 18:05:21 GMT
My son is getting married next summer also. And, I am SO glad that they've decided to be low-key. They're going to have a very small wedding -- just family and the friends who are like family. Then the next day they're having a bbq in their back yard. They live in rural Georgia so the "back yard" is more like a huge field with a stream running along the back of the property... Plenty of room for everyone. I love everything about this idea! We haven't talked about it much yet but dh and I will offer them money probably instead of offering to pay for something specific, although we're not opposed to that either. I'm also going to do the wedding. Ds asked me if I'd rather be just the mother-of-the-groom and watch from the front seats, or would I mind being the minister also. I said I'd love to be the minister also. Oh and also, my ds's fiancée isn't very close to her father, and her mother isn't alive. So I'm not sure what money they can expect from her family. I need to ask ds that in private.
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Post by littlemama on Jun 15, 2021 18:11:02 GMT
25 years ago, we were given set amounts by each of our parents, so this isnt a new thing. Just tell the couple that you can contribute x to the cost. I would tell them this before any meeting.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 15, 2021 18:15:11 GMT
I think there are huge regional, cultural and socioeconomic factors here that make the answer extremely variable. Even 25 years ago, we didn't have the traditional wedding where the bride's family hosted and paid for everything. My parents were generous enough to contribute, as were my future inlaws, but we paid for the vast majority of the wedding ourselves. The only real conflict with here's X for us was around the guest list. I have a truly massive family and just could not invite everyone, it caused a lot of hurt feelings when I decided to have an evening wedding with no children. My parents were pretty disappointed, but at one point my mom gave me a list of 300 family members - that was before ANY friends or invitees for my husband - even if we could have afforded it, I did not want a huge wedding with a bunch of people I hardly know. So I'd just say keep your expectations around guest list in check if you're limiting your contribution - although to be honest I'm not sure I would have had a 400-500 person wedding even if my parents WERE paying for the whole thing, so perhaps just keep your expectations around guest list in check.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 15, 2021 18:23:23 GMT
We have a set budget we can afford to give them. Rather than us paying specifically for x,y,z, we'd just like to offer them the amount we can and let them apply it as they see fit. Does that sound reasonable? This does sound reasonable. I haven't been the mother of the groom, but I would absolutely talk to my child alone first about their plans and expectations for their wedding before going into a two family meeting. I married into a big fat Greek family who had very firm expectations that came nowhere near what my DH and I wanted. If my parents had been presented with what the in-laws expected first, it would have been very hard for my rules driven father to forget what he'd been told he "must" provide. My parents gave us a check and more of it was used for a down payment than the wedding. I honestly don't remember if my ILs paid for anything, but they did a fabulous job helping us prepare our lamb roast reception a month after we got married.
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Post by maryland on Jun 15, 2021 18:32:08 GMT
I would think if the parents want to help, they do what they can afford and want to give. We have three girls, and we have already told them that we aren't paying for a wedding. We pay for all their activities, etc. growing up,college and what we can for grad school. If we somehow get rich by the time we get married (haha!) we will give them money towards a house.
Congratulations on your son's engagement! I hope the meeting with her parents goes well.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 15, 2021 19:03:45 GMT
I think there are huge regional, cultural and socioeconomic factors here that make the answer extremely variable. Even 25 years ago, we didn't have the traditional wedding where the bride's family hosted and paid for everything. My parents were generous enough to contribute, as were my future inlaws, but we paid for the vast majority of the wedding ourselves. The only real conflict with here's X for us was around the guest list. I have a truly massive family and just could not invite everyone, it caused a lot of hurt feelings when I decided to have an evening wedding with no children. My parents were pretty disappointed, but at one point my mom gave me a list of 300 family members - that was before ANY friends or invitees for my husband - even if we could have afforded it, I did not want a huge wedding with a bunch of people I hardly know. So I'd just say keep your expectations around guest list in check if you're limiting your contribution - although to be honest I'm not sure I would have had a 400-500 person wedding even if my parents WERE paying for the whole thing, so perhaps just keep your expectations around guest list in check. This is a very good point. DH and I were married 31 years ago and the wedding was HUGE. Over 300 invited and at least 250 attended. Both of us had big extended families and invited them all. Dad said that if he was paying for the wedding, he was inviting who he wanted. And he did. Ironically, he remarried 3 years later and they only had 100 guests, tops. So it’s good to have an idea of everyone’s expectations.
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 15, 2021 19:05:43 GMT
I'm not sure how I am going to handle this.
If they elope it will be less than if they have a wedding with reception. It is pretty much expected that aunt and cousins will be invited. If they aren't the money goes down because there should be less to cover. I just understand we have a decent sized family
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,689
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jun 15, 2021 19:20:21 GMT
When my ds married a few years ago, I gave him money that his deceased grandparents had put aside for his "wedding gift" from them, $2,000.00.
I then also gave them a larger cheque for their wedding. I was fortunate that my dil didn't want a big wedding and ended up with approx 150 people. The couple told me how many guests that we could invite, outside of the family that they chose.
We ended up making the invitations using plain cream w/gold border and punched top holes for ribbon for less than $25.00 due to after Christmas sales. I used a Joann coupon and bought a bolt of white tule to decorate. Also purchased after Christmas all the ribbons (navy blue & gold) and table goods for 80% off. Save money where you can.
I don't know how much their wedding cost but figured that if they were old & mature enough for marriage, start with a budget for your own wedding. By being creative, a lot of money was saved. My dil then cleaned up the stuff that she could and sold it on-line to another bride. Good luck.
Traditionally, the parents of the groom pay for the rehearsal dinner, the bar tab at the wedding. The groom pays for the bride's bouquet of flowers that she carries going down the isle.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Jun 15, 2021 19:27:14 GMT
When I got engaged, my dad had soon to be DH and I over to his house for dinner and told us how much he could contribute to the wedding. There was no dinner with the future in-laws or discussion of who would be paying for what.
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Post by birdy on Jun 15, 2021 19:38:36 GMT
I typed out a whole reply that got deleted! Ugh. We don't need to pay for a rehearsal dinner because they are having a destination ceremony for only family and a few very close friends. But in place of a rehearsal dinner to budget for, I need to budget about $3000 for travel/airfare and costs associated with that. Otherwise, We'd pay the rehearsal and have extra from that 3000 to throw towards what else we plan to give them. Reception here when they return from their honeymoon. Not sure what type yet as they're looking all the way from casual/laid back all the way to fancy halls. We won't have a ton of guests on our side as both DH and my families are small. Probably about 30 from our side total. We are contributing as much as we can, though it won't be half of the total as I have not worked in a year due to covid and the nature of my job. But, it's our "baby boy" and we want to contribute a decent amount so that we can help them celebrate the start of their future together.
Thanks for all the replies and advice so far! It's been helpful!!
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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 15, 2021 19:57:39 GMT
As coming off a wedding where my BFF was the mother of the groom they agreed to pay for: Rehearsal dinner The open bar at the venue
The rehearsal dinner did turn out to be way more people they were counting on as the bride kept adding people. And then the groomsmen all brought dates and they were not aware this was going to happen.
The bar was one flat fee no matter how much people drank.
I would suggest to be sure to make it clear what exactly you are paying for.
Also there was a problem with the venue and what booze was included. It was supposed to include whatever was on display behind the bar and the bartender said it wasn’t. It was cleared up but it wasn’t until almost 1/2 way in the party by the time it happened.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,170
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Jun 15, 2021 19:57:59 GMT
When our DDs married (3) gulp, they were given a budget to spend on wedding or to elope. All 3 chose church weddings, the oldest 2 had 150-175 guests and the youngest had 500+ guests. These were not sit down dinners. None regretted their weddings and we invited the friends and family we wanted since we were hosting the parties. Fun times and our SIL's families were all very gracious.
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Post by ntsf on Jun 15, 2021 20:07:24 GMT
my son is getting "married" this fall I think.. they have already tied the knot for insurance reasons. at first, it was that they were going to pay for all of it. her family is big and catholic and her parents are mad she is not getting married in the church. they can afford to pay for it. we are willing to contribute some, but I am more likely to pay for his sister and her wife to come from new zealand, if they are able to.
I paid for my daughter's us wedding, her parents helped with the new zealand wedding. both were pretty laid back.. like family and friends helping with serving, decorating, modest costs.. etc. the us wedding was about$10,000 for 75 people. I did all the organization of it.
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