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Post by christine58 on Jun 15, 2021 20:14:58 GMT
DS is getting married next summer. We're planning to get together with her family and the couple to talk about plans. I've read articles online about what a grooms parents traditionally pay for. For those of you who have been the groom's parent, I'd love to hear what you paid for and how you handled that with the bride's family. We have a set budget we can afford to give them. Rather than us paying specifically for x,y,z, we'd just like to offer them the amount we can and let them apply it as they see fit. Does that sound reasonable? How do we tactfully bring this up? We're willing to provide a fair amount, but can't go above that if they decide on adding extra stuff. I'm having social anxiety about the whole meeting. Help! Advice, thoughts, thanks! I would NOT discuss $$ at this meeting. I think you have a private conversation with your son and his fiancee. Good friends gave their daughter and son the same sum of money and said to use it as they needed for the wedding/reception. For their son, they also told him they would pay for the rehearsal so the amount they gave would be minus whatever that cost was. Both kids were so very thankful. My cousin did the same with their daughter. Set amount...use however. |
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,166 
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jun 15, 2021 20:30:06 GMT
If you have a specific amount that is what you can offer them, I’d let them choose how to spend it. But make sure they know that that amount is it, and there is no more available. As someone said, make sure they know that the rehearsal dinner is not a separate budget item from the wedding for you.
I also agree with the idea of maybe a brief conversation with the bride and groom before meeting with everyone. That way they know what you’re thinking, and you might have a better idea of what they want to do.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jun 15, 2021 22:20:34 GMT
Our son was married last weekend - and what a wonderful weekend it was.  We met early on with the bride, groom, and bride's family to discuss what their vision was. With that information, we chose to combine the wedding shower to include both families and host it at my home. I paid for florals, cake, and wine for that event, plus we used all my service pieces and glassware. Bride's family paid for the rest. For the wedding, My husband and I hosted the Rehearsal Dinner; we paid for the beverages, wine, beer, and specialty cocktails and the bar service; we paid for the DJ; we gifted the couple with dance lessons for their first dance; and will pay for their flights for their honeymoon. With all that, it ended up being just about the same amount as the bride's family paid. |
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,052
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Post by AllieC on Jun 15, 2021 23:37:34 GMT
I find the whole "brides parents pay for X" and "grooms parents pay for Y" to be so old fashioned. It comes from a time where couples didn't live together before they were married and times have totally changed. Even 25 years ago, my parents gave me some money and said do what you want with it. Surely in this day and age most couples would be paying for decent portion of the wedding, or at least not expect their parents to pay for all of it?
OP, I would talk to your son privately before this meeting. Ask him what they were planning for their wedding and how it is going to be paid for. Say that you are happy to give "X" and be done with it.
Another interesting thing - we don't have "rehearsal dinners" here. The couple and their bridal party might have something informal after the rehearsal (like a bbq or pizza) but nothing like it seems most of you describe with restaurant dinners and lots of guests.
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Post by christine58 on Jun 15, 2021 23:40:04 GMT
Another interesting thing - we don't have "rehearsal dinners" here. The couple and their bridal party might have something informal after the rehearsal (like a bbq or pizza) but nothing like it seems most of you describe with restaurant dinners and lots of guests. That's what both my niece and nephew did. Pizza etc. |
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Post by MichyM on Jun 15, 2021 23:49:14 GMT
I am reading this thread and realizing that this topic would be so much easier if it had taken place before the engagement. It has prompted me to discuss my intentions as to any possible future wedding when my son visits this summer. I plan to give him and his partner a set amount to use how they please (wedding, honeymoon, down payment on a home, etc). Though I don’t know how much.
So anyhow, OP, thank you for that, I’ve got a while to think about the amount. And best of luck sorting/figuring things out with the couple and her parents.
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Post by grammadee on Jun 15, 2021 23:51:29 GMT
Be honest about what you can afford, in money and time spent preparing. Everyone has different expectations and priorities; different numbers of people to invite.
For one son, we agreed to pay half the total cost and work; for another, we had more people we wanted to invite, so ended up having the celebration on our yard at our expense. For the third son, the couple handled the venue, her parents handled the meal, and we paid for the bar. Our daughter's wedding was on our yard as well, and the couple paid for the caterer who delivered the food. (We served it ourselves).
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Post by ntsf on Jun 15, 2021 23:52:13 GMT
my rehearsal dinner was a dinner at my in laws house. small, informal. we paid for my daughter's rehearsal dinner at a restaurant... it was mostly family..not too bad.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,426
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Jun 16, 2021 2:16:07 GMT
I find the whole "brides parents pay for X" and "grooms parents pay for Y" to be so old fashioned. It comes from a time where couples didn't live together before they were married and times have totally changed. Even 25 years ago, my parents gave me some money and said do what you want with it. Surely in this day and age most couples would be paying for decent portion of the wedding, or at least not expect their parents to pay for all of it? OP, I would talk to your son privately before this meeting. Ask him what they were planning for their wedding and how it is going to be paid for. Say that you are happy to give "X" and be done with it. Another interesting thing - we don't have "rehearsal dinners" here. The couple and their bridal party might have something informal after the rehearsal (like a bbq or pizza) but nothing like it seems most of you describe with restaurant dinners and lots of guests. I'm in this camp. And if my child didn't get married at all or before they were ready to purchase a house (we are in a HCOL area) I would strongly consider giving them the money at that time with the understanding that there would most likely not be additional money from us if they decided to get married later. Also the house would need to be purchased in their name only or with legal documents regarding ownership and financial responsibility if purchase with another person. Basically, our intention is to be able to provide a large sum of money to help our kids establish themselves. While we will choose when to give it to them and may recommend how it could be used, we will give them the opportunity to have a choice. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jun 16, 2021 2:56:18 GMT
I gave them a check and told them to use it however they’d like but also told them that was all they were getting toward the wedding. They paid for the honeymoon with it and that was fine too.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 16, 2021 12:10:11 GMT
We talked it over with our DS and his fiance. We gave them a set amount, plus paid for the groom's dinner.
Her parents were divorced. Her mom could not contribute, but her dad did. I don't know or need to know what he gave them.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jun 16, 2021 14:26:35 GMT
A few weeks after DS got engaged, he brought up the conversation about money. He first mentioned that since we had paid all of his college expenses, he did not expect any money from us for the wedding. However, if we were planning to contribute, h would like to know approximately how much and how many people we wanted to invite for budgeting purposes. DDIL had the same talk with her parents, who were divorced and both remarried.
DH and I agreed on an amount we were comfortable with and gave him the list of who we wanted to invite, most of whom were already in his list. We gave them the money to be used how they wanted. We also paid for the rehearsal dinner and a shower. They were not going to have a videographer, so I also offered to pay for that for them.
After getting money from us and her dad, they had an amount that they knew they would have to contribute themselves because they chose a very pricey venue. Then COVID hit. They were still able to have the wedding but with a guest list cut in half. Because of unseasonably warm weather, everything was able to be held outdoors. So in the end, they did not really have to contribute except for some small things, ie personalized masks).
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