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Post by peano on Jun 19, 2021 3:14:54 GMT
If I remember correctly, you and your sister come at life and relationships in a very different manner. From the outside, I can see why your sister would come seeking advice from you. You are a rock star on the mental health and self help front! And ever so good at breaking things down into manageable bites to help us all understand mental health. You are who I would seek help from. You know your sister best, do you think she is being honest in her desire to have you help her? If so, I think recommending reading material with a set plan to go over talking points would be a good place to start. It gives her tools to reference as needed and relieves you of the burden of talking at her about something she hasn't always been open to. Sibling dynamics can be so hard to navigate, and I find myself shocked to see how my relationships with my 4 siblings still shift around after all these years. I guess that this is part of why I'm treading lightly. My sister has the "perfect" life. Meaning she has worked really hard to cultivate an image of things as being just right. She's played by the rules and she's made good decisions. I'm sure she has insecurities just like anyone else would, but she makes a habit of not showing vulnerability. And over our lifetime has played into the idea that my life is unstable. It feels weird her coming to me and I'm nervous if I say too much that I'm going to get bitten. But, on the flip side, I was like 110% shocked to hear her talk like this last night. So I was feeling like she obviously thinks I can help in some way if she trusted me enough to open up to me. I want to be a good sister. I want to try my best to help her. I'm just not even sure where to begin.
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Post by peano on Jun 19, 2021 3:22:17 GMT
If I remember correctly, you and your sister come at life and relationships in a very different manner. From the outside, I can see why your sister would come seeking advice from you. You are a rock star on the mental health and self help front! And ever so good at breaking things down into manageable bites to help us all understand mental health. You are who I would seek help from. You know your sister best, do you think she is being honest in her desire to have you help her? If so, I think recommending reading material with a set plan to go over talking points would be a good place to start. It gives her tools to reference as needed and relieves you of the burden of talking at her about something she hasn't always been open to. Sibling dynamics can be so hard to navigate, and I find myself shocked to see how my relationships with my 4 siblings still shift around after all these years. I guess that this is part of why I'm treading lightly. My sister has the "perfect" life. Meaning she has worked really hard to cultivate an image of things as being just right. She's played by the rules and she's made good decisions. I'm sure she has insecurities just like anyone else would, but she makes a habit of not showing vulnerability. And over our lifetime has played into the idea that my life is unstable. It feels weird her coming to me and I'm nervous if I say too much that I'm going to get bitten. But, on the flip side, I was like 110% shocked to hear her talk like this last night. So I was feeling like she obviously thinks I can help in some way if she trusted me enough to open up to me. I want to be a good sister. I want to try my best to help her. I'm just not even sure where to begin. And therein lies the problem. She is living her life for other people-for appearances, not herself. I would guess that deep down, she doesn’t have a clue who she is as a person. She doesn’t show vulnerability, which keeps others at arm’s length, when to risk exposing her vulnerability is the intersection where true intimacy grows between people (which is terrifying, but also exhilarating) and life cannot be stale if you are feeling exhilarated. In order to change she’s going to have to summon the courage to get out of her comfort zone.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 19, 2021 11:08:36 GMT
That is a very good point mom and I do absolutely know her hormones are off. She told me about all the female problems she's having right now and that she is reluctant to supplement with hormones. I will keep that in mind too.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 19, 2021 11:17:54 GMT
I guess that this is part of why I'm treading lightly. My sister has the "perfect" life. Meaning she has worked really hard to cultivate an image of things as being just right. She's played by the rules and she's made good decisions. I'm sure she has insecurities just like anyone else would, but she makes a habit of not showing vulnerability. And over our lifetime has played into the idea that my life is unstable. It feels weird her coming to me and I'm nervous if I say too much that I'm going to get bitten. But, on the flip side, I was like 110% shocked to hear her talk like this last night. So I was feeling like she obviously thinks I can help in some way if she trusted me enough to open up to me. I want to be a good sister. I want to try my best to help her. I'm just not even sure where to begin. And therein lies the problem. She is living her life for other people-for appearances, not herself. I would guess that deep down, she doesn’t have a clue who she is as a person. She doesn’t show vulnerability, which keeps others at arm’s length, when to risk exposing her vulnerability is the intersection where true intimacy grows between people (which is terrifying, but also exhilarating) and life cannot be stale if you are feeling exhilarated. In order to change she’s going to have to summon the courage to get out of her comfort zone. We had a very strict dad. Abusively strict. And my brother and I were both bipolar. So very hard to control. Both is us made a lot of mistakes and lived our lives very recklessly in a lot of ways. My sister always followed the rules. Still to this day she has a relationship with my dad that I don't have. And I absolutely believe that it's because my dad still to this day sees me as reckless and can't relate to me. My sister on the other hand has always done the right thing. Like I said, she has made good decisions. She has the ability to see what's going on with me and adjust her life to not make the same mistakes. She is younger than me too. So I did everything before her. I give her a lot of credit for being able to have forethought on things and make better decisions that I have. But in turn, I think she has stifled herself a bit. There are some things where she dares a tiny bit to walk outside the box. And I wish she would embrace that further. Like I said she has a lot of anxiety and I see her always fighting to control things around her. Even though we aren't the same, we do have some moments of closeness. I know she wants that from me. And I'll even admit that in some respects I've been a bit standoffish as well. Because I've been burned in the past. She says things where I think she has some respect for me and she says things where I think she doesn't respect me at all. And it's not just me. She's like that with everyone.
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Post by peasapie on Jun 19, 2021 11:23:01 GMT
It’s so normal to go through this phase throughout our lifespan. Sometimes there is something underneath we’re not even conscious of that is pushing up the discontent — marriage has become unsatisfying, kids grown and out, etc. Its great she felt comfortable enough to broach the subject with you, and it might be she just needs an ear to hear and to ask questions so she can uncover what’s going on. That helps me a lot.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,703
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jun 19, 2021 12:42:30 GMT
You've got some really good, interesting suggestions here. I completely agree with the physical (hormones etc.) checks, and I also wonder how much exercise she gets.
I'm the same age as Lainey. I'm fortunate to have had a well-travelled life and these days I muddle along quite happily with very little ambition most of the time, but sometimes I get that same "is this REALLY all there is to life?" feeling. Just dipping into depression but not clinically. Can't be bothered to do the crafts that I love. Loss of mojo. For me, going for a long walk in the woods or along the coast blows that feeling away and I come back tired physically but mentally energised.
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Post by littlemama on Jun 19, 2021 14:02:00 GMT
I am very much struggling with who I am right now. I have things I want to change. but I lack motivation. I think the pandemic has a lot to do with my issues. Our friends that we spent time with before dont seem to remember that we exist now. 🤷🏼♀️
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 19, 2021 14:59:16 GMT
I am very much struggling with who I am right now. I have things I want to change. but I lack motivation. I think the pandemic has a lot to do with my issues. Our friends that we spent time with before dont seem to remember that we exist now. 🤷🏼♀️ Ooh that's hard. I locked down hard for 14 months. I had friends and family who absolutely behaved like there was no pandemic going on. It was disappointing. Since vaccination I've jumped back into the world. But I've left some friends and family behind because of the way they've behaved. Is it maybe that issue? The differences being too much to bridge?
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Post by littlemama on Jun 19, 2021 15:07:32 GMT
I am very much struggling with who I am right now. I have things I want to change. but I lack motivation. I think the pandemic has a lot to do with my issues. Our friends that we spent time with before dont seem to remember that we exist now. 🤷🏼♀️ Ooh that's hard. I locked down hard for 14 months. I had friends and family who absolutely behaved like there was no pandemic going on. It was disappointing. Since vaccination I've jumped back into the world. But I've left some friends and family behind because of the way they've behaved. Is it maybe that issue? The differences being too much to bridge? That is definitely part of it, Im sure. There are people I will never look at the same way because of the way they conducted themselves during the pandemic and there may be people who feel the same about me. I have definitelt struggled more as ds has gotten older. I was a mom for so long and now I dont know who I am! Also, working in a job that sucked the life out of me for so many years probably didnt help!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jun 19, 2021 15:39:03 GMT
Mid life can be a hard time , menopause changes, elderly care for parents , bereavement , other family health worries. Not sleeping due to hormonal changes . There is a lot of stuff going on in a short period of time . I will agree with this. I'm 57. I've posted about these very same concerns on our 50ish group here on Ps. I usually have it pretty together I would say. I'm also in the medical field, so right now my elderly parents are really leaning on me. Which can be a lot. They are 4 hrs away from me. Both my girls are adults and moved out of the house, and doing well. I'm about 5-7 yrs out from retirement. I've talked with my best friend about this. What will retirement look like? Will my dh and I kill each other. HAAAAAA. will we be able to afford it? There's also the very real fact that my parents probably won't be here in another 5-10 yrs, as they are in their 80s. That prospect of grief, and having to deal with all of that overwhelms and makes me sad. So I get all of it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 9:37:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2021 16:10:05 GMT
It is hard cindyupnorth My parents were 7 or 8 hours away. I loved them to bits and would do everything I could for them . At the end I became very run down, My blood pressure was 250/150 at times and no longer responds to medication of multiple types and my blood sugar doubled and has remained that way too. People kept telling me how important self - care is , but I found that hard to do because many problems couldn’t wait , like carers not turning up , health emergencies. I wish I had listened more , the only thing I can say is try to look after your needs too somehow.
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Post by catmom on Jun 19, 2021 16:54:18 GMT
ETA: The part of your post about your sister just muddling along her path and not liking where she’s at is what hit home for me. I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder why I didn’t do more in life. I just need to figure out what “more” is. It's very funny you should phrase it as "more." Because I think about myself and I'm just not interested in having more. That's not to say I'm without goals, but my goals are things like a challenging crochet pattern or a weekly learning goal(reading nonfiction books, for example) or inventing a new cookie or running four blocks further. I'm not here living a high life, really. I have enough drama with my kids that I'm not interested in climbing the corporate ladder, I'm content in my boring job. I find joy in challenging myself at things that I enjoy doing. I am perfectly OK with my small life. And you post made me wonder if she's asking me, really, how to be content with life. Because that's the way I would describe myself, really. Not wanting more, but just enjoying what I have and what I am. This made me think of something. There was a study on olympic medalists and their reaction to their win. In essence, gold medalists are happy (of course). Bronze medalists are also pretty happy with their performance and position. But silver medalists often feel slightly disappointed and upset at their performance, even though they did better than every other person on the planet save one. The theory is that silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medalist, and what they think they should have accomplished, could have accomplished if they had just been a tiny bit better/faster etc. And it can eat them up. Bronze medalists appear to be focusing on comparing downwards, thinking that if they had been just one micro-second slower they might not have been on the podium at all. And this leads to a sense of contentment and accomplishment. It's possible that you are focusing on how your life could have gone/used to be if not for some good changes and choices you've made. And therefore experience a sense of contentment with where your choices and life has brought you. I don't know if that resonates at all, but could explain why you have a different view and approach from your sister or others.
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