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Post by finsup on Aug 13, 2021 18:33:00 GMT
My husband of almost 15 years has recently come out as being transgender. My husband is now my wife. She is 50 yo, so obviously in a very different phase of life as those with children/young adults going through this now. She is very much "out" to everyone we care about in our life - and has made the transition on social media for anyone else to see. I think a lot of people are confused by gender and sexuality as if they are one and the same; when they are most certainly NOT. We have both been asked questions like "does that mean you like men now?" "does that make you a lesbian?", etc. I think it's a very personal decision in regards to dead names and old photos, etc. My wife has no desire to "erase" her old name and photos - she feels it is still her history, even if she was not her correct gender at the time. Her son still calls her "dad". Our two cats are still being told "dad" for her and me as "mom", etc. She has a new name and new pronouns, even if her physical body doesn't currently reflect "her". It might someday. We were able to find several therapists specializing in gender issues through the local LGBTQ centers, so she is working with one to help her through this transition. I know I would benefit from it as well, but I'm not quite there yet. I don't view what my wife is doing as a transition, but more of an alignment. She's becoming more of who she's always been. If anyone wants to message me privately, please feel free to do so. I'm also happy to converse in "public", too.  Thank you for sharing your story. I also love the term alignment! |
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Post by finsup on Aug 13, 2021 18:37:00 GMT
Just a quick note that “preferred pronoun” is a term to avoid. Just ask, “What are your pronouns?”
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Post by mom2jnk on Aug 13, 2021 20:35:13 GMT
Hijack from me. What happens with official (medical/tax/legal) references to names? Are they still required/allowed to use the new name/pronoun? Do they have to change their name/pronoun legally somewhere? (I've been known by a shortened version of my given name for my whole life. Even though there is an option on my GP's medical record for "chosen name", ALL my medical calls and letters address me by my full given name, even when I ask them "please call me R" twice every conversation.  On the other hand, it helps me to feel that all this cancer stuff is happening to a different me from the normal me.) This seems to be so unnecessarily difficult at so many levels for those who are transitioning or questioning. At the community college where I teach, it is only the students "official name" that is visible on the class roster and there is no place on it to make a preferred name visible. In the classes that I teach that are fully online, one of the first things we do as a class is an introductory discussion board to get to know one another. My past students who have requested a preferred name or pronouns other than the "official" one have been very welcomed by their classmates, but then as the semester goes on, the tiny icon with a student's "official" name is constantly attached to their posts and coursework. And classmates naturally fall back into using those "dead names" even when they have been very supportive in the beginning of the semester. I can't imagine how painful this is for my students. Several of us instructors have lobbied the college to do better with this, but so far, no changes. The college insists that they can only use the official legal name of a student. How hard would it be to change to preferred name in a display? It seems so unnecessarily hurtful. |
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Post by dewryce on Aug 13, 2021 22:31:54 GMT
Just a quick note that “preferred pronoun” is a term to avoid. Just ask, “What are your pronouns?” A term to void in general or just when speaking to the person directly? Now that you mention it I can see how it can be problematic, and I never thought of that, thank you. So, if you mean to avoid it completely, you would just directly say “Name’s pronoun is.” Is that correct? And it’s because ‘preferred’ suggests it’s a choice, if I’m understanding the issue correctly? Does this hold true for their name as well? If so, is ‘chosen name’ a good substitute when there is a need to differentiate between the two, like in the post above? |
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Post by AussieMeg on Aug 13, 2021 23:00:00 GMT
Ryann thanks you for sharing your story!  Like others have already said, I love the term 'alignment' instead of transition. I think a lot of people are confused by gender and sexuality as if they are one and the same; when they are most certainly NOT. We have both been asked questions like "does that mean you like men now?" "does that make you a lesbian?", etc. Very true. I know I was guilty of that in the past. Many years ago, back in the early 90s, I worked with a man "David" who had just begun his transition alignment. At this stage he had only started dressing as a woman. He was dating another woman we worked with, "Sally". We were so caught up in the sexuality side of it, trying to get our heads around whether that made Sally suddenly a lesbian etc. I'm embarrassed about it now.
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Post by finsup on Aug 13, 2021 23:17:19 GMT
Just a quick note that “preferred pronoun” is a term to avoid. Just ask, “What are your pronouns?” A term to void in general or just when speaking to the person directly? Now that you mention it I can see how it can be problematic, and I never thought of that, thank you. So, if you mean to avoid it completely, you would just directly say “Name’s pronoun is.” Is that correct? And it’s because ‘preferred’ suggests it’s a choice, if I’m understanding the issue correctly? Does this hold true for their name as well? If so, is ‘chosen name’ a good substitute when there is a need to differentiate between the two, like in the post above? You got it about the pronouns! I’m not sure about name, I’d have to ask my kid, but I think just saying name would be better. I have to admit that the name change has been the hardest part for me with my own kid. I have more of an attachment to the name I chose at their birth than I do to my own name, because I picked it haha. I just love it so much. But of course I love my kid more so I embrace them just as they are, including their new name. And when I say my kid, I’m talking about a 25yo adult who is non-binary so neither daughter or son works. We need a new word! |
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Post by mom2jnk on Aug 14, 2021 0:15:18 GMT
Just a quick note that “preferred pronoun” is a term to avoid. Just ask, “What are your pronouns?” A term to void in general or just when speaking to the person directly? Now that you mention it I can see how it can be problematic, and I never thought of that, thank you. So, if you mean to avoid it completely, you would just directly say “Name’s pronoun is.” Is that correct? And it’s because ‘preferred’ suggests it’s a choice, if I’m understanding the issue correctly? Does this hold true for their name as well? If so, is ‘chosen name’ a good substitute when there is a need to differentiate between the two, like in the post above? It is my understanding (and please someone correct me if I am wrong!) that the most polite and appropriate form of a question to ask a transitioning or questioning person is to use the same wording that you would use with anyone else you meet. A person's pronouns are not really a preference, they are that person's identity. Because of this, you just ask "what are your pronouns?" So, when you ask a person's name, you wouldn't just go up to a stranger and say, "what is your chosen name?" You would just say, "hi, what's your name?" in the same way. I hope I explained this correctly. One of my past students was kind enough to correct my initial misstep on this. |
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Post by dewryce on Aug 14, 2021 0:25:06 GMT
A term to void in general or just when speaking to the person directly? Now that you mention it I can see how it can be problematic, and I never thought of that, thank you. So, if you mean to avoid it completely, you would just directly say “Name’s pronoun is.” Is that correct? And it’s because ‘preferred’ suggests it’s a choice, if I’m understanding the issue correctly? Does this hold true for their name as well? If so, is ‘chosen name’ a good substitute when there is a need to differentiate between the two, like in the post above? It is my understanding (and please someone correct me if I am wrong!) that the most polite and appropriate form of a question to ask a transitioning or questioning person is to use the same wording that you would use with anyone else you meet. A person's pronouns are not really a preference, they are that person's identity. Because of this, you just ask "what are your pronouns?" So, when you ask a person's name, you wouldn't just go up to a stranger and say, "what is your chosen name?" You would just say, "hi, what's your name?" in the same way. I hope I explained this correctly. One of my past students was kind enough to correct my initial misstep on this. You articulated this so much better than I did, thank you! |
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 14, 2021 0:46:42 GMT
I just want to say this thread is one of the reasons I love this board so much. So much information and knowledge being shared in such a kind and compassionate way.
I am learning so much.
I too, love the term alignment.
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Ryann
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Ryann on Aug 14, 2021 16:23:10 GMT
A term to void in general or just when speaking to the person directly? Now that you mention it I can see how it can be problematic, and I never thought of that, thank you. So, if you mean to avoid it completely, you would just directly say “Name’s pronoun is.” Is that correct? And it’s because ‘preferred’ suggests it’s a choice, if I’m understanding the issue correctly? Does this hold true for their name as well? If so, is ‘chosen name’ a good substitute when there is a need to differentiate between the two, like in the post above? It is my understanding (and please someone correct me if I am wrong!) that the most polite and appropriate form of a question to ask a transitioning or questioning person is to use the same wording that you would use with anyone else you meet. A person's pronouns are not really a preference, they are that person's identity. Because of this, you just ask "what are your pronouns?" So, when you ask a person's name, you wouldn't just go up to a stranger and say, "what is your chosen name?" You would just say, "hi, what's your name?" in the same way. I hope I explained this correctly. One of my past students was kind enough to correct my initial misstep on this. Thank you for sharing - this is very helpful! |
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Aug 14, 2021 16:40:17 GMT
My husband of almost 15 years has recently come out as being transgender. My husband is now my wife. She is 50 yo, so obviously in a very different phase of life as those with children/young adults going through this now. She is very much "out" to everyone we care about in our life - and has made the transition on social media for anyone else to see. I think a lot of people are confused by gender and sexuality as if they are one and the same; when they are most certainly NOT. We have both been asked questions like "does that mean you like men now?" "does that make you a lesbian?", etc. I think it's a very personal decision in regards to dead names and old photos, etc. My wife has no desire to "erase" her old name and photos - she feels it is still her history, even if she was not her correct gender at the time. Her son still calls her "dad". Our two cats are still being told "dad" for her and me as "mom", etc. She has a new name and new pronouns, even if her physical body doesn't currently reflect "her". It might someday. We were able to find several therapists specializing in gender issues through the local LGBTQ centers, so she is working with one to help her through this transition. I know I would benefit from it as well, but I'm not quite there yet. I don't view what my wife is doing as a transition, but more of an alignment. She's becoming more of who she's always been. If anyone wants to message me privately, please feel free to do so. I'm also happy to converse in "public", too. WOW! That's a LOT to take in. I love that you call her your wife and you sound very supportive. I'm curious if you are still married or if you are separating? Feel free to not answer. Just something that came to mind. So much love to you all as you embark on this journey! I think that transitioning later in life is a bit different than transitioning as a young adult. Your perspective on life and events tends to be a bit more mature when you're older and you understand that there is a life before right now. |
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Aug 14, 2021 16:46:12 GMT
As school has just started this year, I have 2 students (probably more who haven't said anything yet) who I have known by their given names and as "she" for the past long time now wish to be called by a different name and one would like a different pronoun. I told both of them that I would very much try to remember this but to be patient and please correct me if I mess up. I got to learn 134 new student names PLUS a few changed pronouns and names. For each student, the first day of school, I called the name on the roll sheet and asked if that is what they would like to be called. That was fun! Many nicknames to learn! It's going to be a long journey for me I think. But I will try and I want them to correct me if I screw up. Thank you peas for helping me out.  |
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Ryann
Pearl Clutcher
Love is Inclusive
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Location: PNW
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Post by Ryann on Aug 14, 2021 19:42:34 GMT
My husband of almost 15 years has recently come out as being transgender. My husband is now my wife. She is 50 yo, so obviously in a very different phase of life as those with children/young adults going through this now. She is very much "out" to everyone we care about in our life - and has made the transition on social media for anyone else to see. I think a lot of people are confused by gender and sexuality as if they are one and the same; when they are most certainly NOT. We have both been asked questions like "does that mean you like men now?" "does that make you a lesbian?", etc. I think it's a very personal decision in regards to dead names and old photos, etc. My wife has no desire to "erase" her old name and photos - she feels it is still her history, even if she was not her correct gender at the time. Her son still calls her "dad". Our two cats are still being told "dad" for her and me as "mom", etc. She has a new name and new pronouns, even if her physical body doesn't currently reflect "her". It might someday. We were able to find several therapists specializing in gender issues through the local LGBTQ centers, so she is working with one to help her through this transition. I know I would benefit from it as well, but I'm not quite there yet. I don't view what my wife is doing as a transition, but more of an alignment. She's becoming more of who she's always been. If anyone wants to message me privately, please feel free to do so. I'm also happy to converse in "public", too. WOW! That's a LOT to take in. I love that you call her your wife and you sound very supportive. I'm curious if you are still married or if you are separating? Feel free to not answer. Just something that came to mind. So much love to you all as you embark on this journey! I think that transitioning later in life is a bit different than transitioning as a young adult. Your perspective on life and events tends to be a bit more mature when you're older and you understand that there is a life before right now. We are not separating and our intention is to stay together. Thank you everyone for the kind words of support. It really means a lot!! |
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Aug 14, 2021 20:27:37 GMT
WOW! That's a LOT to take in. I love that you call her your wife and you sound very supportive. I'm curious if you are still married or if you are separating? Feel free to not answer. Just something that came to mind. So much love to you all as you embark on this journey! I think that transitioning later in life is a bit different than transitioning as a young adult. Your perspective on life and events tends to be a bit more mature when you're older and you understand that there is a life before right now. We are not separating and our intention is to stay together. Thank you everyone for the kind words of support. It really means a lot!! That's awesome! Thank you for answering. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 15, 2021 0:22:54 GMT
My son now daughter received a referral from the mental hospital after a suicide attempt. So that's how we found a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria. My DD is transitioning now. She has been taking hormones for about 6 months. She is still wanting us to call her he/him and by birth name. She isn't ready to tell the rest of the family yet but her body is starting to change. I just don't quite know what to do. I know from everything I've read and my own therapist that using correct pronouns and name is supposed to lower suicide risk. I want to be supportive but I'm not quite sure what to do because I don't want to push. I know she has chosen the name Esther. I know that all during her hospital stays she asked the doctors and nurses and other health professionals to refer to her by that name and as she. So I know she's convicted that that's who she is. I don't mean to hijack this thread but has anyone else experienced this? Blunt question: Are your extended family members jerks? Have they given your kid the impression that they'd be unwelcoming or judgemental? Those are the reasons that would make me think she might not be ready to share. My personal experience: My ds entrusted me with his truth, but the thought of having to explain it all to everyone (again & again & again) was overwhelming. So I acted as go between and advocate (to his relief, and with his blessing). I told all those he wanted to know. We are blessed that our family is very liberal and open, so family is/was no problem. I am a vocal advocate when it comes to medical professionals and teachers/school administration. ETA: Maybe offer to let family know? And if they are not open, let it be known that your kid's wellness and happiness is paramount, and they can go pound sand if they wanna pass judgement. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 15, 2021 0:25:23 GMT
My son now daughter received a referral from the mental hospital after a suicide attempt. So that's how we found a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria. My DD is transitioning now. She has been taking hormones for about 6 months. She is still wanting us to call her he/him and by birth name. She isn't ready to tell the rest of the family yet but her body is starting to change. I just don't quite know what to do. I know from everything I've read and my own therapist that using correct pronouns and name is supposed to lower suicide risk. I want to be supportive but I'm not quite sure what to do because I don't want to push. I know she has chosen the name Esther. I know that all during her hospital stays she asked the doctors and nurses and other health professionals to refer to her by that name and as she. So I know she's convicted that that's who she is. I don't mean to hijack this thread but has anyone else experienced this? Blunt question: Are your extended family members jerks? Have they given your kid the impression that they'd be unwelcoming or judgemental? Those are the reasons that would make me think she might not be ready to share. My personal experience: My ds entrusted me with his truth, but the thought of having to explain it all to everyone (again & again & again) was overwhelming. So I acted as go between and advocate (to his relief, and with his blessing). I told all those he wanted to know. We are blessed that our family is very liberal and open, so family is/was no problem. I am a vocal advocate when it comes to medical professionals and teachers/school administration. Her father is going to have a cow. With that said she hasn't seen him live in person in 3.5 years. But he is not going to take this well. The rest of the family should be alright. Grandma already knows and is supportive. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 15, 2021 0:30:26 GMT
Hijack from me. What happens with official (medical/tax/legal) references to names? Are they still required/allowed to use the new name/pronoun? Do they have to change their name/pronoun legally somewhere? (I've been known by a shortened version of my given name for my whole life. Even though there is an option on my GP's medical record for "chosen name", ALL my medical calls and letters address me by my full given name, even when I ask them "please call me R" twice every conversation. On the other hand, it helps me to feel that all this cancer stuff is happening to a different me from the normal me.) For all legal/official medical documents, the legal name will be used, no matter what you tell them to call you. My trans teen will be able to change their name legally at 18 yrs. I'll help them with all the follow through, changing official documents so that they reflect their correct name. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 15, 2021 11:45:36 GMT
Blunt question: Are your extended family members jerks? Have they given your kid the impression that they'd be unwelcoming or judgemental? Those are the reasons that would make me think she might not be ready to share. My personal experience: My ds entrusted me with his truth, but the thought of having to explain it all to everyone (again & again & again) was overwhelming. So I acted as go between and advocate (to his relief, and with his blessing). I told all those he wanted to know. We are blessed that our family is very liberal and open, so family is/was no problem. I am a vocal advocate when it comes to medical professionals and teachers/school administration. Her father is going to have a cow. With that said she hasn't seen him live in person in 3.5 years. But he is not going to take this well. The rest of the family should be alright. Grandma already knows and is supportive. Dad doesn't sound very active in her life as it is, so she should know that she can choose when he has the privilege to know the real her. She needs to know she has the power in all this. And screw him if he's gonna have a cow by being told a fact. I hope she knows that she doesn't need that kind of toxic in her life, and owes him nothing. She's not obligated to soothe his sore little emotions. Not obligated to help him understand. Nothing. As a parent, he should have been figuring out how to enrich and strengthen his child's life, every step of the way. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 15, 2021 12:32:47 GMT
Her father is going to have a cow. With that said she hasn't seen him live in person in 3.5 years. But he is not going to take this well. The rest of the family should be alright. Grandma already knows and is supportive. Dad doesn't sound very active in her life as it is, so she should know that she can choose when he has the privilege to know the real her. She needs to know she has the power in all this. And screw him if he's gonna have a cow by being told a fact. I hope she knows that she doesn't need that kind of toxic in her life, and owes him nothing. She's not obligated to soothe his sore little emotions. Not obligated to help him understand. Nothing. As a parent, he should have been figuring out how to enrich and strengthen his child's life, every step of the way. I agree with all of this and she has mentally separated from her dad much better than my older DD has. So I'm hoping this won't hold her back from telling. I totally wish she would because I think the family that is close to her will all come around her and support her. |
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Post by peano on Aug 15, 2021 13:56:24 GMT
I really appreciate the knowledge shared on this thread. I have recently become aware that a friend's child has come out on social media as transgender and has changed her name. Another friend and I (we are both friends with her parents) were talking about a really pleasant conversation I had with our friend's child at another party. It was hard to make sure I used the correct pronoun, but the info from this thread was valuable.
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Like others have already said, I love the term 'alignment' instead of transition.
