"You've got this!"

I never thought of it as anything but encouraging. Now I'm re-thinking it.

Context matters.  If it is something light/fun/normal day to day—like my son, a hockey goalie, heading into net for a game, I don’t think it is “toxic”—-it is more of a parting shot of “go get ‘em” after other affirmations/discussions.

Someone is going through some really bad and hard stuff and/or given an impossible situation to navigate? It is dismissive and possibly toxic/condescending. 

I don’t say it much, and if I do, I only use it for lighter life moments.

I just remembered where I heard this phrase used quite often recently. My youngest was virtually schooled most of last year, and had 2 teachers who taught the core subjects, and one of them said this a lot. It was almost always when they were prepping for a quiz/test, and it was a lot like the gymnastics example given earlier.

She would remind the kids that they had been doing these kind of math problems every day, both in class and at home and that they had reviewed the unit the day before the test, and that she really felt that they all had a good grasp of how to do the problems simply because they had practiced them so often. Likewise when they had a science or history quiz, she'd remind them how they all gave presentations or how they played games with all the facts and concepts. And she'd end with "You got this, guys! I know you do!" But she also always invited them to contact her if they did feel that they needed more help. So she wasn't dismissing the possibility that someone might still feel nervous or overwhelmed.

So I heard it a LOT over the course of the year, and it always sounded very positive and very sincere. And that definitely makes the difference, I think, in my current gut reaction to the phrase being primarily a good one. But, I think that's the way with any phrase or saying.

Take "Bless your heart!". There are times when people absolutely say that with kindness, affection, concern. And there are times when it is said in place of "Well aren't you a complete moron??"

Same with the old "Boys will be boys." When my 95 year old aunt says that because her nephews just tracked mud across her living room and their moms are freaking out, she's just trying to say that she understands that these things happen sometimes, and she's just so glad people come to visit her, even if there needs to be a clean-up mid-visit. But if someone uses it to try to excuse terrible behavior, or to make it seem that some behaviors are fine for boys but not girls, then those are completely different situations, and it's totally unacceptable as far as I'm concerned.

Basically, anyone can take something that was meant to have a positive meaning, and make it feel negative---either on purpose or just by not thinking things through before saying it. And I think we all have some phrases that we have a harder time seeing positive in than others, as well as having phrases that we like to use, despite other people disliking them.

It is all situational. In some cases, yes, it's horribly dismissive - for example, when used to minimize what people are going through with this pandemic. As Merge noted, too many people are saying it to our frontline workers instead of actually taking steps to make things better for them. It can be a platitude to avoid providing real support.

The issue of children & resilience is similar. There is very good research to show that some children, quite frankly, ARE resilient. Those children have enough of a combination of protective factors in their lives to quite often outweigh the stressors in their lives. My niece & nephew are very resilient kids. The children of a couple of folks I follow on Instagram are very resilient (these are 3=5 year old children; they can't fake it.

Other kids, who don't have the advantages these children do (ie economic security, strong attachment to caregivers, two parent homes - and no I'm not saying that in & of it self not being in a 2 parent home dooms a kid to not being resilient) aren't as able to roll with the proverbial punches.

Spot on. The culture of toxic positivity that developed over the last three years (coordinating with the arrival of the current principal) is one of the reasons I left the school and teaching. It's amazing how many people are willing to step up and pretend there are no concerns for a few pats on the head. It was gross.

Absolutely the worst when it comes from inside the school. "Whatever it takes" is not a reasonable job requirement. Another ridiculous requirement followed by "do it for the kids" should be banned entirely.

That's a good way of putting it - it's basically the other person saying they don't want to hear about it any more, conversation over.