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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 13:42:56 GMT
If your spouse said that about you would you think they were being nice or being a prick?
Backstory: At a reunion with my not so DH & his friends are telling him that I’m so awesome. His answer is “you should be married to her”.
I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. When people say something like that to me I don’t say he’s a prick & say all the shitty things he’s done to me, I just smile & say yes he is!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 21:24:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2021 13:46:26 GMT
Um, why not ask DH? We have no context over the conversation nor tone of how it was said.
I am in the camp of if it bothers you, ask the source.
And let it go.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,884 
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Post by Just T on Sept 2, 2021 13:47:36 GMT
I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. I vote for straight up prick. It's like he's telling them, "Oh, you don't really know her like you think you do! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!" I'm sorry he said that. He probably thought he was being funny, but he wasn't. I'm real down on my husband right now, so that may be affecting my response. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 2, 2021 13:50:13 GMT
I think it could be interpreted either way, depending on the tone. If you think that he meant it negatively, he probably just thought that he was being funny. Guys are like that.
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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 13:50:15 GMT
Um, why not ask DH? We have no context over the conversation nor tone of how it was said. I am in the camp of if it bothers you, ask the source. And let it go. I did ask & he says that it is not derogatory & that I am making this a bigger deal than it is. Of course my feeling are hurt because I heard him say it & I heard it multiple times. |
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Post by gar on Sept 2, 2021 13:52:13 GMT
It could be said heavy with meaning, as a throwaway, off the cuff without thinking, or it could be said with a twinkle in his eye and smile as a joke. How can we tell?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 2, 2021 13:53:48 GMT
At best he was making a joke at your response. There's no way for that to be "nice" - but only you can say whether he's someone who tends to be self-deprecating in general. Sometimes those people when faced who too many compliments, natural fall into - oh no I'm not that awesome. Now in this case you were the one who was being deprecated - but I do know those people don't mean to be a "prick" - but it might not have been meant in a truly mean spirited way. Now that also doesn't preclude you from say hey - you want to downsell yourself go for it, but leave me out of it as it hurt my feelings.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 2, 2021 13:59:16 GMT
Um, why not ask DH? We have no context over the conversation nor tone of how it was said. I am in the camp of if it bothers you, ask the source. And let it go. I did ask & he says that it is not derogatory & that I am making this a bigger deal than it is. Of course my feeling are hurt because I heard him say it & I heard it multiple times. Go back and tell him that it is hurtful to make you the butt of his joke. ...and to repeat the joke makes it seem that you really ARE hard to live with. Then, let it go. It is guy humor.........Unless he is a jerk in other ways, then it is time to let him know when he is acting like a jerk.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,066
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Post by pinklady on Sept 2, 2021 14:04:03 GMT
If your spouse said that about you would you think they were being nice or being a prick? Backstory: At a reunion with my not so DH & his friends are telling him that I’m so awesome. His answer is “you should be married to her”. I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. When people say something like that to me I don’t say he’s a prick & say all the shitty things he’s done to me, I just smile & say yes he is!! If your husband is such a prick and treats you like shit, why do you stay with him? |
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,134
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Sept 2, 2021 14:27:41 GMT
I vote for prick!!! No ok... id be mad... get my cape on and then be super mad..
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 2, 2021 14:28:02 GMT
That’s just rude, IMO. There is no nice way to take a comment like that.
Now having said that, my DH and I have been married for over 30 years and every anniversary someone will inevitably ask, “How long have you been married?” One or the other of us will say something like, “Happily married for 10 years. A total of 33, but ten of them have been happy!” We both know it’s a joke so in our case, no harm no foul.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Sept 2, 2021 14:39:45 GMT
I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. I vote for straight up prick. It's like he's telling them, "Oh, you don't really know her like you think you do! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!" I'm sorry he said that. He probably thought he was being funny, but he wasn't. I'm real down on my husband right now, so that may be affecting my response. Agree. |
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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 15:13:38 GMT
That’s just rude, IMO. There is no nice way to take a comment like that. Now having said that, my DH and I have been married for over 30 years and every anniversary someone will inevitably ask, “How long have you been married?” One or the other of us will say something like, “Happily married for 10 years. A total of 33, but ten of them have been happy!” We both know it’s a joke so in our case, no harm no foul. I so understand what you are saying. We have been married for 34 years & it has been difficult for me but not for him. I would never say that to anyone when they say how awesome he is because he is awesome to others but very difficult towards me. But I do not feel like I should or need to shout it out to others at all. I’m sure my feeling are hurt yet again & I’ll survive yet again, I just wanted to make sure that I was not overreacting like I am always told I am. |
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,064
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Sept 2, 2021 15:15:43 GMT
I would die a thousand deaths right there on the spot. Seriously, I'd probably not be able to wind up breaking out in tears. How humiliating, geeze.
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Post by Restless Spirit on Sept 2, 2021 15:23:36 GMT
I would call that a “back handed compliment.” The line between this being a complimentary and an insult is very blurred. I can understand your confusion. I was always raised with the motto “ if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.“ What he said was best left unsaid. I would be curious as to why he felt it was necessary to respond that way.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,675
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Sept 2, 2021 15:24:57 GMT
That’s just rude, IMO. There is no nice way to take a comment like that. Now having said that, my DH and I have been married for over 30 years and every anniversary someone will inevitably ask, “How long have you been married?” One or the other of us will say something like, “Happily married for 10 years. A total of 33, but ten of them have been happy!” We both know it’s a joke so in our case, no harm no foul. I so understand what you are saying. We have been married for 34 years & it has been difficult for me but not for him. I would never say that to anyone when they say how awesome he is because he is awesome to others but very difficult towards me. But I do not feel like I should or need to shout it out to others at all. I’m sure my feeling are hurt yet again & I’ll survive yet again, I just wanted to make sure that I was not overreacting like I am always told I am. You are not overreacting, it was a crappy thing to say. When he tells you you are "overreaction" it's a way to take away his fault and put the blame on you, another crappy thing to do. |
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,305
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Sept 2, 2021 15:26:33 GMT
Well regardless of his meaning, he gets to do and say whatever he wants. How you react and respond to it is your superpower.
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Post by Monica* on Sept 2, 2021 15:34:50 GMT
That’s just rude, IMO. There is no nice way to take a comment like that. Now having said that, my DH and I have been married for over 30 years and every anniversary someone will inevitably ask, “How long have you been married?” One or the other of us will say something like, “Happily married for 10 years. A total of 33, but ten of them have been happy!” We both know it’s a joke so in our case, no harm no foul. I agree. It's not like it's the old joke "Take my wife ... please!" That one is a known wink and nudge. And it's not like it's a shared bit of humor like crazy4scraps and her DH. My dad always introduced my mother to people like "I'd like you to meet my first wife, Marilyn". She would groan and roll her eyes, but he loved her with all his heart and it was a shared joke for 55 years until his death. This comment, on the other hand, is sarcastic and I find this type of mean-spirited sarcasm to be without any kind of humor. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 2, 2021 15:42:27 GMT
He probably thought he was being cute and witty but honestly it says a whole lot about who he is and his relationship with you. I can't imagine having a partner who would say something like that about me and then not apologize profusely.
He showed you who he is and what he thinks about you…believe him.
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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 15:59:24 GMT
He probably thought he was being cute and witty but honestly it says a whole lot about who he is and his relationship with you. I can't imagine having a partner who would say something like that about me and then not apologize profusely. He showed you who he is and what he thinks about you…believe him. I think this explains & sums it all up, thank you. I probably know this but I don’t want to admit it… |
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 2, 2021 16:16:56 GMT
He probably thought he was being cute and witty but honestly it says a whole lot about who he is and his relationship with you. I can't imagine having a partner who would say something like that about me and then not apologize profusely. He showed you who he is and what he thinks about you…believe him. I think this explains & sums it all up, thank you. I probably know this but I don’t want to admit it… And may I add, you deserve much more than this from your marriage. 💕 |
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,525
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Post by casii on Sept 2, 2021 16:23:46 GMT
I stop that business in its tracks when I hear any spouse talking like that. My own knows we'd be having 'intense fellowship' should he joke like that. It did take me over 30 years to train him out of the BS he learned as a boy/young man. It's rooted in belittling and degrading someone else.
People, men for the most part, will chalk it up to guy talk, boys being boys and locker room talk, but it's not. It's misogyny light.
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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 16:24:36 GMT
I think this explains & sums it all up, thank you. I probably know this but I don’t want to admit it… And may I add, you deserve much more than this from your marriage. 💕 And with that I cried. I’m not sure what I deserve but I don’t think it is to be humiliated like that over & over again. |
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Sept 2, 2021 16:32:53 GMT
We have been married for 34 years & it has been difficult for me but not for him. I would never say that to anyone when they say how awesome he is because he is awesome to others but very difficult towards me. But I do not feel like I should or need to shout it out to others at all. I’m sure my feeling are hurt yet again & I’ll survive yet again, I just wanted to make sure that I was not overreacting like I am always told I am. I lived this life for 27 years, believing I was the problem. It turns out it wasn't me and I am guessing it is the same in your case. New DH would never in a thousand years say this - we've been together over 10 years now and I am still suprised at how nice I am treated every day. How f-ed up is that?? Absolutely 100% |
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Post by Mary_K on Sept 2, 2021 16:33:17 GMT
& say all the shitty things he’s done to me, I think you know the answer. I'm sorry. Mary K |
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,134
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Sept 2, 2021 16:34:16 GMT
Let me know where he is at... im on my way to kick him in the balls!!! And i wear steel toe shoes to work!!!!
Eff him!!! You may not think it or believe it...because he has probably told you tons of times... YOU REALLY CAN DO IT WITHOUT HIM!!!
Im not telling you to leave... but just letting you know if you do.... you will survive
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,675
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Sept 2, 2021 16:36:02 GMT
And may I add, you deserve much more than this from your marriage. 💕 And with that I cried. I’m not sure what I deserve but I don’t think it is to be humiliated like that over & over again. NO you do not deserve that! Those "little" jabs chip away at your self-esteem. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 2, 2021 16:38:55 GMT
I don't know your husband well enough to provide a good answer. However, I do know that he was incredibly disrespectful. Is this the way he normally treats you or was this a shock?
I just reread one of your posts. I'm wondering if he is emotionally abusing you? Other people might see this great guy, but he might take out all of his anger, frustration on you. Do you know that you deserve a husband who adores and loves you and will only hold you in the highest regard? You are worth much more than you're getting. You don't have to settle for this .
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Post by dewryce on Sept 2, 2021 16:44:42 GMT
I think people can make mistakes and sometimes say something boneheaded not realizing how it comes across; I’ve done it many times. But even if he really did not mean anything by it at all and just thought it was lighthearted and funny, the moment he found out it hurt your feelings his concern should have been making sure you know he’s happy with you and apologizing for hurting your feelings. Not defending himself and basically dismissing your feelings because he doesn’t think you should feel that way. Just know that his words reflect poorly on him, not you.
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Post by delila on Sept 2, 2021 16:53:57 GMT
I realized that I settled years ago when i knew I had nowhere to go & no one to help me.
He has eroded all self esteem I ever had which wasn’t much to start with by telling me that I was lucky to even be with him. This sort of talk from him isn’t unusual but it is still very unsettling for me to hear.
More than anything I just needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting as I have been told.
Thank you as always for the warm words & love. It is dearly & greatly appreciated.
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