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Post by hop2 on Sept 2, 2021 17:51:35 GMT
Um, why not ask DH? We have no context over the conversation nor tone of how it was said. I am in the camp of if it bothers you, ask the source. And let it go. I don’t think asking the source is a valid statement. If he was just being a prick then he will just gaslight her and put it all on her that “she took it wrong” , “she’s being over sensitive” , “it’s all in her head”, etc etc. Asking will be useless. |
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Post by epeanymous on Sept 2, 2021 17:56:14 GMT
I am sorry. Particularly with the context you've provided for your relationship, that is hurtful.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 2, 2021 18:31:22 GMT
It would bother me if my husband said that. And I would tell him that despite his excuses, it was thoughtless and unkind to say it.
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Post by papersilly on Sept 2, 2021 18:36:12 GMT
like we wives don't say (with an eye roll), "back off, women, he's mine...."
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Post by ~summer~ on Sept 2, 2021 18:59:15 GMT
Super embarrassing and rude. What an ass. I’m sorry  |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Sept 2, 2021 19:53:53 GMT
Unless it’s a mutually understood schtick (which it isn’t based on your hurt feelings) I really don’t understand the “get over it, guys are like that, it could be a joke” comments. I’m sure he was raised with the idea that “boys will be boys” and it sucks. I’m sorry.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 20:05:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2021 19:58:37 GMT
Unless it’s a mutually understood schtick (which it isn’t based on your hurt feelings) I really don’t understand the “get over it, guys are like that, it could be a joke” comments. I’m sure he was raised with the idea that “boys will be boys” and it sucks. I’m sorry. My get over it comment has nothing to do with boys will be boys or guys are like that. My comment has to do more with asking people not involved who weren't there and don't know the dynamics of their relationship. I am sure she has said some hurtful things as well. Not just men who poke fun or say things like that. Ask the dh what he meant. Tell the dh how you feel. Let the dh know you don't appreciate it. Don't let it fester and cause strife is what I meant by let it go. I would be a Debbie downer resentful person if I let every word people have said get to me. |
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 2, 2021 20:09:46 GMT
More than anything I just needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting as I have been told. Thank you as always for the warm words & love. It is dearly & greatly appreciated. He was a prick and then tried to gaslight you into thinking you were overreacting. I'm sorry. You do deserve more than he is giving you. |
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Post by librarylady on Sept 2, 2021 20:25:57 GMT
I realized that I settled years ago when i knew I had nowhere to go & no one to help me. He has eroded all self esteem I ever had which wasn’t much to start with by telling me that I was lucky to even be with him. This sort of talk from him isn’t unusual but it is still very unsettling for me to hear. More than anything I just needed to know that I wasn’t overreacting as I have been told. Thank you as always for the warm words & love. It is dearly & greatly appreciated.
It is time for you to do some things to regain your self esteem. Of course I don't know your particular situation, but through volunteer work or work for which you are paid, get power from the world in which you are competent and do well. Build on that power....until you are ready to leave the man who belittles you behind. It may take a year or two but you can do that...
In the meantime, if he EVER says such a thing again....stop him at his own game. Right after he says the statement, turn and walk away. Don't be there to endure any further belittling. Let him try to explain why you walked away. Don't engage in an argument that makes others feel uncomfortable, just walk away from him. Privately you can tell him that you are no longer staying around to be gas lighted and belittled.
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Post by Zee on Sept 2, 2021 20:27:19 GMT
In light of your history here and what you've posted, he didn't mean it as a compliment. But you don't seem that fond of him either so maybe it's just mutual feelings.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,711 
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Sept 2, 2021 20:35:24 GMT
I would be pissed and have a hard time not crying right there.
I would initially be hurt about what he said but our conversation and my emotion would quickly evolve to him trying to talk me out of my feelings.
Im sorry that this happened, i validate everything you felt.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,940
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 2, 2021 20:42:13 GMT
If my husband had done that to me, I would've said: "You SHOULD! Please?!?!?"
I would've turned it right back on him.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 2, 2021 21:38:03 GMT
I think it really depends on the tone, how your overall relationship is, etc. It could be seen as an attempt at a joke but it could also be a way of being disrespectful.
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Post by nine on Sept 2, 2021 23:40:20 GMT
If he said nothing after that then yeah he’s being a prick. If my husband said that he would immediately follow up with lavish praise and assure everyone his first comment was a joke.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Sept 2, 2021 23:45:50 GMT
I could see both of us saying that about the other, but our relationship has a lot of sarcasm and poking at each other. I can see where it could be hurtful though, if you don't like sarcasm like that, and feel he does it to be mean. Sounds like you've talked to him about it, but he doesn't get it. I'm sorry. My dh is pretty good about taking what I say to heart, like if I would tell him, "hey, that's not funny anymore"
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Post by CardBoxer on Sept 3, 2021 0:01:09 GMT
I think it’s mean unless sarcastic teasing in public is par for the course. i’d be hurt and react as if he was kidding by saying something like, “Well I’m interviewing for my next husband,” or would pretend to strangle my DH and say he was in for it when we get home. But once we were alone? There would be many words.
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Post by voltagain on Sept 3, 2021 0:04:54 GMT
I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. I vote for straight up prick. It's like he's telling them, "Oh, you don't really know her like you think you do! If you did, you wouldn't be saying that!" I'm sorry he said that. He probably thought he was being funny, but he wasn't. I'm real down on my husband right now, so that may be affecting my response. I agree with this! |
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Post by christine58 on Sept 3, 2021 0:22:52 GMT
If your spouse said that about you would you think they were being nice or being a prick? Backstory: At a reunion with my not so DH & his friends are telling him that I’m so awesome. His answer is “you should be married to her”. I think he was being a straight up prick saying that, he says that he wasn’t & that he didn’t mean anything bad by saying it. When people say something like that to me I don’t say he’s a prick & say all the shitty things he’s done to me, I just smile & say yes he is!! Did you ever find your wedding rings? |
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caangel
Drama Llama
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Location: So Cal
Member is Online
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Post by caangel on Sept 3, 2021 1:48:19 GMT
I think people can make mistakes and sometimes say something boneheaded not realizing how it comes across; I’ve done it many times. But even if he really did not mean anything by it at all and just thought it was lighthearted and funny, the moment he found out it hurt your feelings his concern should have been making sure you know he’s happy with you and apologizing for hurting your feelings. Not defending himself and basically dismissing your feelings because he doesn’t think you should feel that way. Just know that his words reflect poorly on him, not you. This, his reaction to you when you expressed your displeasure is what makes him an asshole. That's not ok. |
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 3, 2021 2:23:32 GMT
If my dh said it, it would probably be sarcastic or meant as a joke and I would probably take it that way. It would probably be only once that he said it. If it was over and over, I'd be pissed.
BUT if I told him it felt rude, he'd fall all over himself to apologize.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,920
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Sept 3, 2021 6:01:32 GMT
Based on what you've told us before about your relationship with him, he could be being deliberately hurtful, or he could be simply socially inept (and either completely unaware or embarrassed about it). Either scenario could give the denial when confronted. Without being there, it's difficult to tell what's going on here.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
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Post by joelise on Sept 3, 2021 6:39:30 GMT
Your DH “you should be married to her”
My response if I were you “well, you won’t be for much longer!”
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 3, 2021 8:53:19 GMT
Um, why not ask DH? We have no context over the conversation nor tone of how it was said. I am in the camp of if it bothers you, ask the source. And let it go. I did ask & he says that it is not derogatory & that I am making this a bigger deal than it is. Of course my feeling are hurt because I heard him say it & I heard it multiple times. That’s what a narcissist would say to his victim. A prick response. It in no way was meant SS a compliment. |
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Post by CardBoxer on Sept 3, 2021 10:09:13 GMT
I did ask & he says that it is not derogatory & that I am making this a bigger deal than it is. Of course my feeling are hurt because I heard him say it & I heard it multiple times. That’s what a narcissist would say to his victim. A prick response. It in no way was meant SS a compliment. Gaslighting. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 20:05:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2021 11:11:27 GMT
At first I thought is was probably light hearted and not meaning to be unkind, but then I read about his history that you posted later on and now think it sounds like it was hurtful.
I hope you get your confidence back , say something to him for your own self esteem.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,146
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Post by rickmer on Sept 3, 2021 11:20:32 GMT
while it may be a joke in front of the guys, if that was truly the case he would have apologized when you told him your feelings were hurt. and i would feel like "sure i am not perfect, but others see you are lucky to have me, why can't you???".
my ex was an expert gaslighter. he kept me off kilter so i was always questioning myself. i am out. it has been 3.5 years since it ended, 2 in my own place.
it has been hard, i have had to start over. he pays no support and i gave up my kids 50% of the time, fight for a job (after *8* false starts in 3 yrs!!) that the pay is reasonable with benefits. i wouldn't go back for ANYTHING. my sanity and peace is worth more than a 5 bedroom house.
he is still a dick in pretty much *any* dealings with me, but i refuse to be baited, reply via text when i am calm and i am hopeful my kids appreciate it. he will never change. i had to.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Sept 3, 2021 11:21:21 GMT
I'd take it as an insult if my hubby said it depending on the tone. Definitely people you just met/just met you, i'd have expected more of a yes, i'm lucky or a yes, she is pretty awesome type answer.
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Post by pastlifepea on Sept 3, 2021 12:22:38 GMT
I vote asshat as well...I think if it had been intended as a compliment it would have been more something like, "You would be lucky to be married to her." I'm a snarky B and probably would have loudly replied to your no so DH's comment with, "And y'all just might actually HAVE that opportunity very, very soon!" *wink*
You ARE worth something and other people can see it, enough to comment on it, in public, to your husband. Illegitimi non carborundum!!! (Don't let the bastards grind you down...in mock Latin)
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 3, 2021 13:09:21 GMT
With the context you have provided I see where this would be hurtful!
My DH and I are totally jokesters. I had almost the same comment made about me a few weeks ago and I knew it was all in good fun. Jeremy's friends were all talking about how they can't believe I've been with him for 10 years. They were all joking that I must be an angel to put up with him. And then Jeremy piped up that his friends didn't know the half of it about being married to me. He followed up with, she makes up for it by baking a lot of cookies. And then he winked and everyone laughed, including me. But we have a happy marriage. And everyone was sitting around joking, poking fun at each other. These are guys who know I'm a good wife too and that he really is a good husband, that our marriage is solid. We joke like this often. I poke at him and he pokes at me. His friends are the same.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 20:05:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2021 14:01:40 GMT
It's not the comment. It's the attitude afterwards. Y'all can say "oh MY dh would mean that as a compliment" all you want or claim it's just a joke, but how many of you have spouses that would apologize after you told him you were hurt? It's very telling that his reaction afterwards was "you're overreacting."
I had a boyfriend like that in high school. It took him leaving to go to college to see how abusive that was. I broke up with him and know what he did? He later told DH that I was nuts and mentally ill, but yet he asked me to dump dh, give him another chance and marry him instead. No.
Time to get your stuff together and leave. You deserve better.
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