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Post by lemondrop on Oct 4, 2021 0:10:46 GMT
Hi peas,
I have a good friend whose oldest child (aged 23) recently announced that she is a transgender woman. She has not come out to everyone yet but is planning to soon. I met this family when the middle child was in kindergarten with my DS so, while I know this young adult, I know her as the older sibling of my son's friend. My friend confided in me and I have not betrayed her confidence. She and her DH are doing what they can to be supportive.
When she (the child) chooses to go public, I want to send her a card to express my support. While I have not experienced this first-hand, I know that there will be some lack of understanding and support by some people.
I have made her a card, rainbow colors with "hello" on the front but I am struggling with what to say (or rather, want to know what NOT to say) What I have so far is, "Dear..... Congratulations on coming out! I fully support you and wish you the best. Love, lemon drop"
Is that sufficient? I am cautious about saying too much because it seems to open up the opportunity for me to put my foot in my mouth. I thought about including "you are brave", but that doesn't seem right. I don't want to say anything about a "journey" ugh, that makes me cringe! But my message seems so brief.
What say the peas? I know there are several peas whose children are transgender. I appreciate your insight.
Thank you!
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Post by kenziekeeper on Oct 4, 2021 0:18:06 GMT
I am not one with firsthand experience, so hopefully one of those peas will chime in - but I wondered if “coming out” is the right term? I am just thinking that I don’t think I’ve heard it related to this scenario so I’d double check that. What a thoughtful thing for you to make a card for her!
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Post by lemondrop on Oct 4, 2021 0:27:25 GMT
I am not one with firsthand experience, so hopefully one of those peas will chime in - but I wondered if “coming out” is the right term? I am just thinking that I don’t think I’ve heard it related to this scenario so I’d double check that. What a thoughtful thing for you to make a card for her! You are probably right! And that right there is why I need help!  And, thank you. I feel like I am walking a line between acknowledging what I imagine to be a big step and not shining a big cis-gender, ignorant spotlight on it. |
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 4, 2021 0:28:14 GMT
FWIW some of the trans people I know refer to it as coming out and some refer to it more as just saying who they are. I think a supportive note is great no matter what, but/and I might just not use “coming out” in case they don’t.
Bless you for being supportive.
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Post by chaosisapony on Oct 4, 2021 1:22:36 GMT
I am not the best with etiquette but it seems to me that "coming out" may not be the right term. I might have something like "Hello, We are happy to hear your big news! Wishing you lots of love and support in this new phase of your life". Your card sounds cute and I'm sure they will be grateful for your support no matter how you phrase it.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,237 
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Post by pilcas on Oct 4, 2021 1:54:15 GMT
Something along the line of We want to let you know we have always appreciated you and will continue to do so. We are here for you and wish you all the best in this new stage of your life.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 4, 2021 2:06:42 GMT
Here’s to you living your most authentic, best life! Thank you for sharing it with me/us, and we’re here to support you in any way we can. Love you!
I would refrain from anything that makes reference of the “before” as many transgendered have left that life long before they shared with anyone else. (I.e.like nothings changed…)
And oh my gosh please don’t ever refer to it as a “phase” or “stage” in their life!!!
It’s their LIFE. Plain and simple!
Not a phase. Not a stage. Not a fad.
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Post by flanz on Oct 4, 2021 2:08:18 GMT
I love that you plan to do this for your friend's daughter. Thank you! She'll need all the support she can get in this crazy world of ours. I'm not sure you know, but there is a separate Trans flag with different colors than found in the PRIDE flag. Your card sounds beautiful for a gay person coming out, and I'm guessing you could use it here and that the recipient would consider it a supportive gesture. If, however, you feel like starting over, here's what the trans flag looks like. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender_flagI really like the wording suggested by papercrafteradvocate. <3 |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 4, 2021 2:11:03 GMT
Coming out may not be accurate. Not all transgendered are gay or coming out.
Those who are choosing to transition from one tenet to another and just as it is—transitioning—not necessarily coming out.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 4, 2021 2:30:49 GMT
Hi peas, I have a good friend whose oldest child (aged 23) recently announced that she is a transgender woman. She has not come out to everyone yet but is planning to soon. I met this family when the middle child was in kindergarten with my DS so, while I know this young adult, I know her as the older sibling of my son's friend. My friend confided in me and I have not betrayed her confidence. She and her DH are doing what they can to be supportive. When she (the child) chooses to go public, I want to send her a card to express my support. While I have not experienced this first-hand, I know that there will be some lack of understanding and support by some people. I have made her a card, rainbow colors with "hello" on the front but I am struggling with what to say (or rather, want to know what NOT to say) What I have so far is, "Dear..... Congratulations on coming out! I fully support you and wish you the best. Love, lemon drop" Is that sufficient? I am cautious about saying too much because it seems to open up the opportunity for me to put my foot in my mouth. I thought about including "you are brave", but that doesn't seem right. I don't want to say anything about a "journey" ugh, that makes me cringe! But my message seems so brief. What say the peas? I know there are several peas whose children are transgender. I appreciate your insight. Thank you! And OP… This is not to pick on you or dissect your OP—it’s awesome that you want to be there in the best capacity you can. Here are a few things to be mindful about— She’s a woman, not a “transgender woman” (it’s often offensive to be described or introduced that way) She’s not a child, she’s 23. She’s a full on adult. While many who are transitioning ARE brave, and have faced shit we would never dream of, unless you know first hand she’s experienced stuff, I wouldn’t mention it. Most transgender persons know they are not living their authentic selves at very early ages. Their “public” transition is most often a long time coming to which they’ve already gone through a long chunk of a journey to get from knowing it to publicizing it. They’ve experienced all the feels, the emotions, etc., whereas those finding out now may be surprised/shocked and some may even “grieve” the loss of whom they were before like a parent feels like they’re losing a daughter who’s transitioning to son. (That’s all on them and shouldn’t put that pressure onto the one transitioning). You’ll always want yo refer to them with the name they choose, the pronouns they choose. It’s not okay to relive/share “when they used to be” unless they ask. |
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Post by lemondrop on Oct 4, 2021 3:06:57 GMT
Hi peas, I have a good friend whose oldest child (aged 23) recently announced that she is a transgender woman. She has not come out to everyone yet but is planning to soon. I met this family when the middle child was in kindergarten with my DS so, while I know this young adult, I know her as the older sibling of my son's friend. My friend confided in me and I have not betrayed her confidence. She and her DH are doing what they can to be supportive. When she (the child) chooses to go public, I want to send her a card to express my support. While I have not experienced this first-hand, I know that there will be some lack of understanding and support by some people. I have made her a card, rainbow colors with "hello" on the front but I am struggling with what to say (or rather, want to know what NOT to say) What I have so far is, "Dear..... Congratulations on coming out! I fully support you and wish you the best. Love, lemon drop" Is that sufficient? I am cautious about saying too much because it seems to open up the opportunity for me to put my foot in my mouth. I thought about including "you are brave", but that doesn't seem right. I don't want to say anything about a "journey" ugh, that makes me cringe! But my message seems so brief. What say the peas? I know there are several peas whose children are transgender. I appreciate your insight. Thank you! And OP… This is not to pick on you or dissect your OP—it’s awesome that you want to be there in the best capacity you can. Here are a few things to be mindful about— She’s a woman, not a “transgender woman” (it’s often offensive to be described or introduced that way) She’s not a child, she’s 23. She’s a full on adult. While many who are transitioning ARE brave, and have faced shit we would never dream of, unless you know first hand she’s experienced stuff, I wouldn’t mention it. Most transgender persons know they are not living their authentic selves at very early ages. Their “public” transition is most often a long time coming to which they’ve already gone through a long chunk of a journey to get from knowing it to publicizing it. They’ve experienced all the feels, the emotions, etc., whereas those finding out now may be surprised/shocked and some may even “grieve” the loss of whom they were before like a parent feels like they’re losing a daughter who’s transitioning to son. (That’s all on them and shouldn’t put that pressure onto the one transitioning). You’ll always want yo refer to them with the name they choose, the pronouns they choose. It’s not okay to relive/share “when they used to be” unless they ask. Thank you for your input! No, I would not say anything to her about being a transgender woman, I was just trying to make my post clear. And, no, she is not a child but she is my friend's child. And thank you for clarification about "brave" - it wasn't sitting right, which prompted my post. If this situation involved my DS's friend, what I am trying to do would be much clearer to me. I have a close relationship with him, involving sleepovers and trips, and I would be comfortable calling and texting, but this is the older sibling and is therefore a stepped-back relationship. My desire to send a card is mostly for her but I hope, in turn, it will help support the rest of the family as well. I know that some of their family members are not going to react well to this. Thank you for the flag info, flanz . I am not planning to re-make the card but I will keep it in mind for another time  |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Oct 4, 2021 9:27:32 GMT
I'm a mom of a (trans) son, so maybe I can throw in my two cents.
I love that you want to show your support.
What I would do? I wouldn't make it a card specifically relating to her sharing her true self openly with the world. It makes too much emphasis on "this was you then and this is you now." Many trans don't want any reminder of their dead life/ name times.
What I would do?
Go grab a Thinking Of You card from the For Her section of the card aisle. Make sure it has something along the lines of "Good thoughts for a great lady..." Or, "To brighten her day..." (something with a female pronoun or noun)
Then on the inside, address her by name.
"Dear Sally,"
I know my son loves seeing his name.
Just write something fairly generic that you'd write in any Thinking of you card.
"Hope this note makes you smile on a lovely autumn day! -Love, LemonDrop"
It is her pronouns and name she wants to see, in everyday ways.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 4, 2021 12:20:08 GMT
I am not planning to re-make the card but I will keep it in mind for another time I hope you change the "coming out" phrase as so many here suggested it was not the best words to use. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Oct 4, 2021 12:21:33 GMT
I agree with what LavenderLayoutLady posted. I think that is the very best way to show your support through a card. |
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Post by lemondrop on Oct 4, 2021 13:32:43 GMT
Thank you all! I will incorporate the ideas from LavenderLayoutLady . And no mention of coming out. I appreciate everyone’s responses. Thank you. |
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2021 17:16:56 GMT
I could use similar help with how to approach my young niece. I was thinking of a visit to see my sister and nieces. My dad just informed me that my oldest niece has changed her name and no longer uses pronouns. Which is fine, and knowing my sister she gets full support at home.
So my only problem is: do I acknowledge the change by saying something, or just act like nothing has really changed at all? My dad said my niece was rather quiet the last time he saw her as her new self, almost sullen, but I'm sure that's just her age and possibly worrying about what her grandpa might say or do (ftr, he took it very well and did not act a fool).
What could I say that would show support without making it a big deal or making her feel she needs to talk about it? I don't want to put any pressure on her so I almost want to just say nothing but then it's kind of like I'm dismissing it and i don't want her to feel that way (yes, I know I need to use they, but I'm still processing my girly niece changing into someone else).
Thanks for any who read this far. My sister hasn't said anything to me personally yet, and they only told my dad last week because they were visiting him. I'm hundreds of miles away and haven't seen them since 2019.
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Post by flanz on Oct 4, 2021 17:42:39 GMT
I don't have any real advice for you @zee, but I love that you're asking the question! You're obviously an aunt who cares!
Actually, I have a question. You use the word niece but I'm not clear if you had a nephew who is now your niece or if a niece is or has transitioned and identifies as male. If the latter is true, please try to stop thinking of them as your niece.
I have not doubt that your will get some excellent advice from our peas who love their trans family members.
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2021 17:50:22 GMT
I don't have any real advice for you @zee, but I love that you're asking the question! You're obviously an aunt who cares! Actually, I have a question. You use the word niece but I'm not clear if you had a nephew who is now your niece or if a niece is or has transitioned and identifies as male. If the latter is true, please try to stop thinking of them as your niece. I have not doubt that your will get some excellent advice from our peas who love their trans family members. Thank you! She was my niece, female, but is now gender neutral. From what I understand second-hand through my dad, there are no pronouns. So I'm a bit unsure as to how she's (they) identifying, but it sounds like she is now just "they" and not actually trans but I thought I would ask here since there have been some good replies. It is hard to stop thinking of her as her, my little fellow cat lady who braided violets into crowns and loved dresses and girly things, but you can be sure I won't let her/they know this. |
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2021 17:55:57 GMT
Also, I can't just call my sister and ask because she'll think my dad and I were gossiping about my niece (we were simply having a discussion, but she might think otherwise, so I'm staying away from that right now). Sometimes my sister is very sensitive when it comes to our dad. He is pretty old-fashioned but he's come a long way and spoke respectfully about my niece, although he isn't too sure what to say about it. I'm pretty happy with how far he's come.
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Post by finsup on Oct 4, 2021 18:23:30 GMT
I don't have any real advice for you @zee, but I love that you're asking the question! You're obviously an aunt who cares! Actually, I have a question. You use the word niece but I'm not clear if you had a nephew who is now your niece or if a niece is or has transitioned and identifies as male. If the latter is true, please try to stop thinking of them as your niece. I have not doubt that your will get some excellent advice from our peas who love their trans family members. Thank you! She was my niece, female, but is now gender neutral. From what I understand second-hand through my dad, there are no pronouns. So I'm a bit unsure as to how she's (they) identifying, but it sounds like she is now just "they" and not actually trans but I thought I would ask here since there have been some good replies. It is hard to stop thinking of her as her, my little fellow cat lady who braided violets into crowns and loved dresses and girly things, but you can be sure I won't let her/they know this. The people in my life who are non-binary do identify as trans, but as with everything in life there’s no one-size-fits-all. My advice would be to start referring to them with they/them pronouns now even before you see them because the more you do it the more naturally it will come. When you are around them, if you slip up and use female pronouns you don’t have to make a big deal about it. Just correct yourself and move on. Even if you’re referring to them in the past, use they/them pronouns. If you’re not 100% sure they’re using they/them and want to ask directly, don’t ask, “What are your preferred pronouns?” but rather just “What are your pronouns?” If it were me I would also ask them how they want me to refer to them since it sounds like neither niece or nephew may be the case. Some people use nibling, which I think is pretty cute. These are things I’ve learned from my own trans non-binary 25yo. 🙂 |
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Post by flanz on Oct 4, 2021 18:30:51 GMT
Thank you! She was my niece, female, but is now gender neutral. From what I understand second-hand through my dad, there are no pronouns. So I'm a bit unsure as to how she's (they) identifying, but it sounds like she is now just "they" and not actually trans but I thought I would ask here since there have been some good replies. It is hard to stop thinking of her as her, my little fellow cat lady who braided violets into crowns and loved dresses and girly things, but you can be sure I won't let her/they know this. The people in my life who are non-binary do identify as trans, but as with everything in life there’s no one-size-fits-all. My advice would be to start referring to them with they/them pronouns now even before you see them because the more you do it the more naturally it will come. When you are around them, if you slip up and use female pronouns you don’t have to make a big deal about it. Just correct yourself and move on. Even if you’re referring to them in the past, use they/them pronouns. If you’re not 100% sure they’re using they/them and want to ask directly, don’t ask, “What are your preferred pronouns?” but rather just “What are your pronouns?” These are things I’ve learned from my own trans non-binary 25yo. 🙂 Excellent, and from a mama who knows! I was coming on to write something similar but you did it for me. <3 @zee, I have a friend who identified as a gay male for a long time and then in early 30s realized they are agender, neither male nor female. My friend uses they/them pronouns. When this change occurred, I found it much easier to remember to use they/them in written form and it felt unnatural when spoken. I would make a mistake, apologize quickly and correct myself. Apologies for slip ups are widely appreciated as far as I can tell. I kind of became the pronoun police when in our congregation, and gently reminded folks who used he/him of the correct pronouns now. Maybe you can practice aloud when you're by yourself... or even with other family members who live in your home. Get used to how it sounds/feels rolling off of your tongue. I |
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Post by Linda on Oct 4, 2021 19:37:54 GMT
Actually, I have a question. You use the word niece but I'm not clear if you had a nephew who is now your niece or if a niece is or has transitioned and identifies as male. If the latter is true, please try to stop thinking of them as your niece. Thank you! She was my niece, female, but is now gender neutral. From what I understand second-hand through my dad, there are no pronouns. So I'm a bit unsure as to how she's (they) identifying, but it sounds like she is now just "they" and not actually trans but I thought I would ask here since there have been some good replies. I've learnt from my children that nibling is a good non-gendered term for children of your siblings in lieu of the gendered terms niece and nephew. I've also learnt that when in doubt (and not in a position to ask what are their pronouns - such as when speaking of them to others) - it's best to use they/them. I've been trying to get into that habit with my children about their friends - if they mention someone, I use they/them when responding unless I'm told they use she/her or he/him |
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Post by flanz on Oct 4, 2021 19:39:07 GMT
Nibling is a term new to me. Thanks!
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2021 19:43:11 GMT
Thank you for the input and I will be sure to watch my pronouns. We did have a trans coworker and everyone got pretty used to just using her name rather than any pronouns (this was harder, because while she chose a female name and used she/her, she didn't really try to adjust her appearance and her official name on the schedule was still male so a lot of people were very confused, but we got it. I slipped up once and quickly recovered and moved on without it being a big deal)
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2021 19:47:39 GMT
Nibling is cute but sounds like niblets, the corn 😁
Thanks, I think this one of those situations in which there is no "right" way but many wrong ways and I'll do my very best to not do anything that might make them feel awkward. I'll have to navigate the waters naturally and let the subject come up organically i think.
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Post by flanz on Oct 4, 2021 20:19:16 GMT
Thank you for the input and I will be sure to watch my pronouns. We did have a trans coworker and everyone got pretty used to just using her name rather than any pronouns (this was harder, because while she chose a female name and used she/her, she didn't really try to adjust her appearance and her official name on the schedule was still male so a lot of people were very confused, but we got it. I slipped up once and quickly recovered and moved on without it being a big deal) Zee, I think it means a lot to trans people when we try. They usually understand that there's a learning curve. The pronouns are important when discussing the individual as in, "I wonder if they're coming to our BBQ" etc. Inserting the first name is fine if it's a short convo but in a longer conversation it sounds a bit silly to keep using first name when in normal conversation or in written form, you'd use the first name and then in subsequent sentences use the appropriate pronoun, if you know what I mean. It's obvious that you really care, and I think that will come through loud and clear! ((( hugs ))) |
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