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Post by librarylady on Jan 20, 2022 20:23:06 GMT
I know a man who wanted a foreign bride because she was more willing to be subservient and American women were too strong minded.
It all depends on individual situations. I hope it works out for both of them.
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 20:43:18 GMT
Religon was a hard thing for the girl i know... my friend is atheist and she is some form of orthodox.. i don't really know what it is... but she never has found a "home" in the churches here.. so religious holidays that mean something to her... she has had to make an adjustment to how she celebrates... When she 1st got here as his wife... his sisters were kinda snotty to her.. not mean but sarcastic in a way she didn't understand... so that took some time for him to set his sisters straight and welcome her... or he was out!! Theyve been together for awhile now but it wasnt easy for some of the sisters... i don't really know why though... He already owned his house... but he would take her to different stores to try to get her to decorate and make it her home....she was super apprehensive about spending money... she is still a thrifter... She does the bulk of the grocery shopping with him because she does most all the cooking... he ate a lot of fast food before her... They both went into it knowing they wanted it to work for the long haul... and they've been married for 4 or 5 years... im sure they have their differences but they don't broadcast them... they seem to have found a way to work thru all of that... Thankfully, he is Roman Catholic and she is Russian Orthodox, pretty much the same theology, so they are both good with that. He doesn't have any sisters...or any family in the area...except me. I'm prepared to welcome her with open arms and love her unconditionally. There are a few Russian-Americans where I work, and I've already told him that I'm happy to introduce them if she/he/they would like to have Russians in their social circle. Up to them. I'm trying hard to stay out of it, other than being supportive. |
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 20:46:07 GMT
I'm somewhat concerned about an extremely attractive young woman, who surely wouldn't have any issues finding a nice man in Russia...why would she want to marry an AmericanI was personally acquainted with a Russian bride who married an American man nearby. She said that the men in her sphere didn't want to work &/or drank too much. Russia also has 86 men per 100 women (per Professor Google). Her US husband was less educated & less physically attractive (subjective, I know) than she, but he was a kind and hard-working fellow. That being said, she married him, got her green card, then divorced him ASAP. My reporting shouldn't be construed as approval. That's what she told him, that there are more Russian men than women, and that they drink too much. My family member drinks, but not much at all. That being said, she married him, got her green card, then divorced him ASAP. My reporting shouldn't be construed as approval. ^^^This is my concern. If they are in it for the long haul, and treat each other with respect...then all is well. |
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 20, 2022 20:51:30 GMT
One of my best friends is a wonderful lady that came to the US as a “Russian Bride.” Our sons met about 14 years ago at elementary age and we got to know one another quite well as single moms on various sports sidelines.
She is an educated professional, who spent time here in the US to finish a degree program, then went back to her home country. She married an American man, to move here and start a new life.
She hated the city she initially moved to (it’s not at all like where she went to school.) She had fled her extremely abusive ex, as the abuse only got worse and worse as their son got a little older. She eventually divorced him (she and I were both relatively newly divorced when we met.) We met in a different location in the US, and then we both eventually moved to super different places. She likes where she lives now- a lot. She’s only been back to her home country one time, when her mother and father died, and has no plans to return again.
14 ish years later, her son is doing well, no contact with his dad. She is doing well, as well, but, still unable to be in a relationship. She believes it’s because American men are completely different than what she grew up with as “men.” And men from her background are unwilling to be with her, as she has become quite American. Strange paradox.
For what it’s worth, she’s gorgeous. And kind and smart and independent. A little to awesome for most men that I would imagine that would resort to “pay for a bride.”
OP, I wish this young man luck. But, I’ll be honest, I’d (personally) be taking a hard look as to why in a country like the US with the amazing diversity of women, he can’t find anyone interesting or worthy of dating (my words… I’ve forgotten how you put it, but that’s how it imprinted on my mind.) If I were the Russian Brides friend… I’d definitely be concerned he’s likely controlling, jealous, probably a tad narcissistic and degrading to women (just based on the many American guys I know that intentionally seek out foreign women from countries in which women are usually second class citizens - military background here…. So take with a grain of salt…….)
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 20:51:59 GMT
I know a man who wanted a foreign bride because she was more willing to be subservient and American women were too strong minded. It all depends on individual situations. I hope it works out for both of them. I don't think he's in it because he wants a subservient partner. He claims not to be. I bloody well wouldn't endorse that. I've tried to make that clear to him, that they need to have different roles in the marriage (I've known him since he was young) but be equal. Thank you. I hope they have a long and happy marriage. <3 |
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Gem Girl
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Gem Girl on Jan 20, 2022 21:00:43 GMT
I'd be really curious to know how many men who assume that non-American women are going to be subservient have found themselves married to (gasp!) an individual who turned out to be self-sufficient and independent. After all, leaving one's country and all that one knows isn't something I'd consider the behavior of a "shrinking violet." I'd imagine that some also found America freeing, so they became free, or full of opportunity, so they availed themselves of opportunities.
Marrying somebody based on a generalization or assumption sounds fraught with risk to me.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 20, 2022 21:06:50 GMT
I'd be really curious to know how many men who assume that non-American women are going to be subservient have found themselves married to (gasp!) an individual who turned out to be self-sufficient and independent. After all, leaving one's country and all that one knows isn't something I'd consider the behavior of a "shrinking violet." I'd imagine that some also found America freeing, so they became free, or full of opportunity, so they availed themselves of opportunities. Marrying somebody based on a generalization or assumption sounds fraught with risk to me. Saw this play out over and over with the guys I served with. FWIW… Haitian women aren’t subservient once they learn English and get a drivers license. Hahahahaha! |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jan 20, 2022 21:11:58 GMT
It’s none of your business, really. She stated that in her post. Maybe she just wants to know information in general.. no big deal. I responded like I did because she stated that she’s trying not to get involved. His personal/intimate relationships are no one’s business but his own. That’s all. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 20, 2022 21:12:01 GMT
After watching 90 day fiancé, I have an even worse opinion of this type of arrangement than I did before watching the show. It seemed that the non-American partners were primarily just looking for a way out of their own country and manipulating the American partner. It seemed that the American partners thought they were in love and weren't able to see the conniving ways of the partners. In some situations the American partners also seemed to be socially awkward, which I think also made them vulnerable. Overall, it just didn't seem to work out well. I'm sure there are exceptions, but I would be skeptical on both sides.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jan 20, 2022 21:14:15 GMT
It’s none of your business, really. You know, some people have relatives they care about, are close to and who's welfare is of concern to them. There's no harm in finding out some info and having some knowledge about something even if they just keep it to themselves. OP is aware he hasn't asked for her opinion. Look at my last response. I was replying to her comment that she’s “trying to stay out if it” |
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 21:31:03 GMT
You know, some people have relatives they care about, are close to and who's welfare is of concern to them. There's no harm in finding out some info and having some knowledge about something even if they just keep it to themselves. OP is aware he hasn't asked for her opinion. Look at my last response. I was replying to her comment that she’s “trying to stay out if it” I am staying out of it...I'm not telling him what to or not to do or even what I think about it (unless he asks). I'm just trying to find out more information for myself as I care deeply for him. @gar understands where I am coming from. |
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 21:32:52 GMT
It’s none of your business, really. She stated that in her post. Maybe she just wants to know information in general.. no big deal. Yep! That's it!! I'm looking forward to what slowjoe has to say.  |
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Post by Zee on Jan 20, 2022 21:35:06 GMT
Birthday Girl with Nicole Kidman comes to mind immediately.
She wants to come to America for better schooling and professional options, I'd guess, and it probably won't work once she's a doctor, but I'm old and jaded. ETA: I'm mixing up posts here, but the idea is the same.
I hope for his sake that it does, but he sounds like someone who makes excuses for himself (it's ridiculous that he can't meet anyone because he's 5' 10", that's average height for American males including my DH). He probably expects her to be grateful while he gets to have sex with a hot woman who doesn't have the same high standards uppity American women have. (That's the unfortunate expectation a lot of men who use these services have)
But, maybe it will work.
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Post by Lexica on Jan 20, 2022 21:42:59 GMT
The only situation that I have known was a neighbor that used to live in my current neighborhood, but many many years ago. In that case, the husband was a know-it-all loud, pushy, and arrogant jerk. He treated her like a slave and seemed to get off on ordering her around in front of the neighborhood men. No one was allowed to get too close to her. If any of the women at that end of the street tried to befriend her or invite her over, he would make her go inside to do laundry or some trumped-up chore. I was saddened when they moved away because I feared for her safety. I heard a couple of the wives at that end of the street tried to educate her on her rights in this country, but they said she was afraid of the guy. I heard that he frequently told the guys how much he paid for her, insinuating that she was his property.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 20, 2022 21:55:34 GMT
The only situation that I have known was a neighbor that used to live in my current neighborhood, but many many years ago. In that case, the husband was a know-it-all loud, pushy, and arrogant jerk. He treated her like a slave and seemed to get off on ordering her around in front of the neighborhood men. No one was allowed to get too close to her. If any of the women at that end of the street tried to befriend her or invite her over, he would make her go inside to do laundry or some trumped-up chore. I was saddened when they moved away because I feared for her safety. I heard a couple of the wives at that end of the street tried to educate her on her rights in this country, but they said she was afraid of the guy. I heard that he frequently told the guys how much he paid for her, insinuating that she was his property. This is much like my friend described her experience with her husband. In her case, she got away <3 I hope the woman you knew did, too. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 20, 2022 22:05:05 GMT
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 22:08:04 GMT
The only situation that I have known was a neighbor that used to live in my current neighborhood, but many many years ago. In that case, the husband was a know-it-all loud, pushy, and arrogant jerk. He treated her like a slave and seemed to get off on ordering her around in front of the neighborhood men. No one was allowed to get too close to her. If any of the women at that end of the street tried to befriend her or invite her over, he would make her go inside to do laundry or some trumped-up chore. I was saddened when they moved away because I feared for her safety. I heard a couple of the wives at that end of the street tried to educate her on her rights in this country, but they said she was afraid of the guy. I heard that he frequently told the guys how much he paid for her, insinuating that she was his property. This is much like my friend described her experience with her husband. In her case, she got away <3 I hope the woman you knew did, too. Oh, wow. He's my family member, a close family member, but if he treats her poorly, I will help *her*, if she asks. |
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 22:09:06 GMT
Thank you. I will show that to him. I can't withhold that kind of information from him, even if I'm being a buttinsky. |
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Post by sabrinae on Jan 20, 2022 22:09:53 GMT
This is much like my friend described her experience with her husband. In her case, she got away <3 I hope the woman you knew did, too. Oh, wow. He's my family member, a close family member, but if he treats her poorly, I will help *her*, if she asks. If he treats her poorly I hope you offer to help weather or not she asks for help— if you know about the poor treatment. She’s not likely to ask people connected to him for help — she’s going to naturally assume anyone connected to him wouldn’t help. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 20, 2022 22:15:40 GMT
Thank you. I will show that to him. I can't withhold that kind of information from him, even if I'm being a buttinsky. You are not being a buttinsky. This is a real threat that could be dangerous as hell. Being an American right now would do him no favors if he comes across Russian soldiers. At any rate, I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t say something. Biden said yesterday that he thinks that Russia will invade Ukraine, so this could very well happen. |
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Post by amp on Jan 20, 2022 22:38:06 GMT
Oh, wow. He's my family member, a close family member, but if he treats her poorly, I will help *her*, if she asks. If he treats her poorly I hope you offer to help weather or not she asks for help— if you know about the poor treatment. She’s not likely to ask people connected to him for help — she’s going to naturally assume anyone connected to him wouldn’t help. Good point. I am trying so hard not to butt into his life, but you are right. If I find out about poor treatment, I will talk to her and ask her how I can help her. From what I know, she sounds like a strong girl. But she will be in a foreign country...hopefully, we will develop a relationship of love and trust and she will feel comfortable with me helping her. And of course, hopefully, they will treat each other with love, respect, and dignity. |
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Jan 20, 2022 22:48:09 GMT
amp - I hope this is a great, happy, experience for all. Every relationship has a different start. Knowing that you are hoping and intending to include her, and know her, it already sounds better than the isolation that tends to invade some relationships with this beginning. Your heart is clearly in the right place. I hope he finds his person!
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Post by gar on Jan 20, 2022 23:02:57 GMT
You know, some people have relatives they care about, are close to and who's welfare is of concern to them. There's no harm in finding out some info and having some knowledge about something even if they just keep it to themselves. OP is aware he hasn't asked for her opinion. Look at my last response. I was replying to her comment that she’s “trying to stay out if it” I looked at all your responses. My point is that your blunt initial reply basically says “Butt out” without seeming to recognise that the OP recognises that it’s her relatives business and is just seeking information for herself. |
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Post by MichyM on Jan 20, 2022 23:30:39 GMT
Thank you. I will show that to him. I can't withhold that kind of information from him, even if I'm being a buttinsky. I’ll be honest, if he’s planning to travel to Ukraine and isn’t aware of that information already, the poor guy is not the brightest bulb in the box. He needs someone like you to be looking out for him! |
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Gem Girl
Pearl Clutcher
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Posts: 2,686
Jun 29, 2014 19:29:52 GMT
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Post by Gem Girl on Jan 20, 2022 23:40:58 GMT
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Post by maryland on Jan 21, 2022 0:20:31 GMT
I have lived in Russia before and know several ladies who were the Russian Bride or were trying to become a Russian bride. They did it because they wanted to get out of Russia and could not afford to do so on their own. (When I lived there Match.com and the internet wasn't like it is today). The brides families were poor (like, really really poor) and they did not have the ability to move up the 'food chain' if they stayed in Russia. By marrying an American (or Canadian) they were able to move here and better themselves. Bonus points that they could apply to become an American. If they stayed in Russia they would not have the ability to go to college. This young lady he has been talking to has a degree and is a resident in a Psychiatry program at a local hospital there...she seems to have a lot going for her...as best as I can tell. I apologize for not including this in the original post. I hope everything works well for them and they are both happy! It sounds like you are just concerned for your family member and just want what's best for him (while knowing to stay out of it). I wonder if there is a market for Russian grooms too? If men would be interested in leaving Russia too? |
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Jan 21, 2022 0:42:16 GMT
Travel to the Ukraine is not advised by our Country due to unrest in the country
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Post by amp on Jan 21, 2022 0:55:09 GMT
This young lady he has been talking to has a degree and is a resident in a Psychiatry program at a local hospital there...she seems to have a lot going for her...as best as I can tell. I apologize for not including this in the original post. I hope everything works well for them and they are both happy! It sounds like you are just concerned for your family member and just want what's best for him (while knowing to stay out of it). I wonder if there is a market for Russian grooms too? If men would be interested in leaving Russia too? i asked him that last week, about the Russian grooms, while stressing that I am not interested...he was surprised, and said he had no idea. |
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Post by slowjoe on Jan 21, 2022 3:47:33 GMT
I have a very close family member, a young man that I am fond of, who hired a matchmaker to introduce him to a Russian woman to marry and live in the US. He is 30, not experienced with dating at all, and having a hard time finding someone he likes in the US. Covid isn't helping at all. And he's in a male-dominated profession, so meeting someone at work is not likely. The matchmaker seems reputable. But I'm somewhat concerned about an extremely attractive young woman, who surely wouldn't have any issues finding a nice man in Russia...why would she want to marry an American man via a matchmaker? Because as my wife would gladly say, Russia sucks, and due to wars, alcoholism and a grossly unfair distribution of wealth, good Russian men are few and far between. Will this end up happily ever after? Only if he chooses well.I'm staying out of it as much as I can, because, to a large extent, it's really none of my business. Maybe I am just wanting to hear good new stories about American men marrying beautiful Russian women? I didn't meet my wife through a service. Our lives intersected in NYC. But she was still fighting for a green card, and had no shot at citizenship, so you could still argue her intentions may have been to use me for those things.
But they weren't. She fell in love with me. And I knew this because I was in my 40s and had shit tons of experience in dating and relationships, and a boatload of self-esteem. I was not going to settle for being used, so for me to fall in love with someone, I needed to perceive that she loved me. And I totally did. Nobody is that good an actor.
And to this day, even though she safely has her green card and is on track for citizenship, she still reaches for and holds my hand when we go for a drive. She still listens to my stupid stories. She still makes sure there is quality time between us. My God I'm lucky I found her. At this point I am committed to watching his cats when he flies over to meet her in the Ukraine (he said that Americans are not able to fly to Russia at this time). He is not open to much advice, so I will watch his cats when he goes over there and pray for the best.
My thoughts: From what you've written, I think it's not a great idea. I didn't search overseas because of any inability to meet women here; I just thought it'd be cool as hell to try to date internationally. I didn't use international dating as a replacement for American women, I used it as a supplement. And I had an absolute blast, and while none of the three women I got semi-serious with ended up being my wife, I am still friends with all three and have had the joy of watching them get married and starting beautiful families in the US, Canada, and Switzerland. I was even invited to one of their weddings.
But anyone who knows me knows I don't lack for self-confidence. And having self-confidence and self-esteem make for a great filter. In other words, I could sense when a girl was a scammer a mile away. I've dated enough women to pick up on the cues when someone is being insincere, or has hidden ulterior motives. I did meet a few women like this.
At only 30 years old and a lack of experience in dating, I'd seriously be worried that he'll get scammed or badly hurt. You would not believe some of the stories I've heard and read about the dumb things guys believed or convinced themselves of.
ADDITIONALLY, he could get badly hurt even if she's sincere. If he is only of medium attractiveness, and he doesn't have any of the humor, charm or charisma to make up for it, and then he marries some stunningly gorgeous Russian woman, she could be thinking she's in love, or trying to convince herself she's in love...but not really in love. Even if she has feelings for him, once she has a green card, she will undoubtedly reassess where she is in life because her standard has changed. She's no longer has the subconscious mindset of a refugee who needs help from an American hero. Her standard is now someone who has a life as a permanent resident of the U.S. And guys are flirting with her constantly. NOW what does her husband bring?
My advice to him would be:
- Before trying to fall in love with a woman, fall in love with himself. Once he truly loves himself, he'll have the self-esteem and attractiveness to make the right choices and meet the right woman
- If he still wants to do the Russian thing, skip all the profiles where the women look like fashion models (especially in underwear and bikinis). Those pics are professional and they've probably met a TON of men online and are dating them all.
- The profiles with very amateurish pics but well-written descriptions are the ones to pay attention to. And in my experience, the girls end up looking much more beautiful than their pictures. The reverse is true for the girls in #2.
- If any girl "falls in love" with you way before it makes any sense, watch out, the request for money is coming.
Let me know if I can help with anything else. I can even ask my wife.
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Post by amp on Jan 21, 2022 4:22:12 GMT
slowjoe THANK YOU!!!! This is amazing!!! I really appreciate your insight. What you wrote makes perfect sense. If it's OK with you, I'd like to stew on this and message you tomorrow or over the weekend? The young man is immature/inexperienced with women, IMHO, but he does not lack self-esteem or confidence. And I worry that will work against him. It would be so easy for a beautiful woman to convince him that he's the best thing in the universe...but as you say, after she gets the green card, and the playing field is leveled...that's a concern. I don't think he'll lose money, or at least not much money, but I think his heart will be broken in a million pieces, which would crush me. Thank you again.
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