miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 19:32:46 GMT
This is just a rant.
DD40 called yesterday and let me know she is getting a divorce. They've been married 13 years and have two kids, 10 and 6. It has been a long time coming. Our family has felt she should have left him years ago. SIL hasn't had a job in 6 years, plays video games all night and sleeps all day. He does get some disability payments but it's not much. DD works full time while trying to go to school, and takes care of DGDs. They live 3000 miles away from me and the rest of the family.
DD wants to move home. She can easily get a job (she's in the medical field) and she can temporarily move in with my ex. My ex's wife works PT and has very flexible hours and has offered to watch the two DGDs for free as needed. DD and SIL have already agreed on how to separate their property (they don't have much and live paycheck to paycheck). BUT good-for-nothing SIL has decided he wants custody of the DGDs. He says DD can move home without them and they can visit during the summer. What??? Of course DD wants to move the DGDs back home with her.
This POS doesn't have a job and has made no effort to get one until just this week. No job, no healthcare, no money. DGD10 has an IEP and is in therapy. DD doesn't think SIL will follow through with either because he thinks things like that are BS. DD wants to keep things amicable but I don't see how that will happen.
Stepmom and I would like to fly out, pack up DD and DGDs and fly them back home now. FTR we won't really do that because we know that would probably backfire on DD, it's just how we feel. But I am now worried that some judge will say POS SIL can have the kids and DD will be forced to stay there. She can't afford to live there on her own, the COL is astronomical. They were barely getting by as it was.
I've already told DD to get a lawyer ASAP. Luckily they already have separate bank accounts and she is getting a different cell phone today (she is on a plan paid for by SILs mom). It just pissed me off that POS SIL has just now decided he wants to try and be responsible when he had years to do so and didn't! Stepmom and I think it's a ploy to get DD to stay. I'm afraid it's going to get very messy, very quickly. My heart aches for her and I want her and the kids home!
I just needed to get this out. Rant over.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Feb 18, 2022 19:41:15 GMT
Wishing you ALL the very best!! Yes, your DD needs a lawyer yesterday!
So glad you and stepmom get along!!
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 18, 2022 19:43:38 GMT
Im really really sorry - I have no clue what state you’re in and custody is always state specific but she needs to find the absolute best attorney yesterday. Working women losing custody is a very very real thing - he wants custody for child support / ok I don’t know him he MAY want custody for child support - but I’ve seen it and she needs to tread extremely carefully.
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Post by destined2bmom on Feb 18, 2022 19:44:57 GMT
I am really sorry that your daughter is going through this right now. I liked your post because I want you to know that I read it thoroughly. I understand why you and her stepmother want to go out and get her.
And depending on the state if he wants to really cause problems; he can make it so that his daughters don’t leave the county unless he gives written permission. I know that’s what happens in California.
Your daughter needs to get an attorney as soon as possible. She needs to have it documented that her DH does not care about his daughter being on an IEP or helping her. She also needs to document that he has not worked in six years. What type of work can he do? If it’s a tech job he will have no problem getting one.
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Post by Mel on Feb 18, 2022 19:46:26 GMT
It's not likely to stay amicable, SIL is going to screw that part up. But, I'm sure it won't take much to prove he isn't fit to be the full-time caregiver. His job(or lack of) history is proof of that. Plus, if DD is the one that has always been the one going to the school for the meetings, etc, she could get statements that show that. Same for doctor’s appointments, and anything else that the girls have been active in the past few years.
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Post by malibou on Feb 18, 2022 19:47:57 GMT
No judge in any state will award him full-time custody. They may make it hard for her to move though. She is going to need documentation showing he hasn't worked nor contributed to the household. Who looked after the kids while she was at work? The IEP stuff can all be drawn up with the custody/kid stuff and he can be ordered to take care of his portion of it.
I am so sorry she is in this predicament and I know your mama heart aches.
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Post by sabrinae on Feb 18, 2022 19:50:08 GMT
Have her start gathering documentation now. Financial documents, any documents hat show who takes the girls to Drs appointments, who participated in IEP meetings who takes them to therapy, who participates in meetings with teachers. Find a lawyer bow and follow their advice. There is a very real risk she’ll be ordered to stay within x number of miles of him.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 18, 2022 19:57:47 GMT
It's not likely to stay amicable, SIL is going to screw that part up. But, I'm sure it won't take much to prove he isn't fit to be the full-time caregiver. His job(or lack of) history is proof of that. Plus, if DD is the one that has always been the one going to the school for the meetings, etc, she could get statements that show that. Same for doctor’s appointments, and anything else that the girls have been active in the past few years. I’m sorry but no - a lack of job does NOT make one unfit - he’ll claim he’s the primary care giver while she worked - I’ve seen it - working mothers absolutely lose custody and his lack of a job will not help her case |
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 18, 2022 20:11:19 GMT
I’m sorry but no - a lack of job does NOT make one unfit - he’ll claim he’s the primary care giver while she worked - I’ve seen it - working mothers absolutely lose custody and his lack of a job will not help her case  Sadly, this isn't going to be easy for your DD to get everything she wants. Is his family involved with the girls? They have been providing the phone plan and might not be too keen to see their granddaughters move across the country. I've seen this before where a guy doesn't get their act together until they are served divorce papers. They don't understand why their wife won't work it out and the fact they've been unhappy for years, asking for changes, etc., just goes over their head. I am sorry your DD is in this battle and hope she gets a lawyer ASAP. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,884 
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Post by Just T on Feb 18, 2022 20:38:29 GMT
I'm so sorry your dd is going through this. I have no knowledge of laws, but I do know from so many friends/family members that men often say they want custody because it will get them out of having to pay child support. When it comes right down to it, they really do NOT want custody and end up changing their mind. My cousin went through a terrible divorce a few years ago, and her a-hole said he was going to fight her for custody of their young teen daughter who had special needs. Turns out just spending a couple of weekends with her each month was almost too much for him.  I don't know if you daughter will be able to take the kids out of state without his permission, or permission from the courts though. So I don't think I would advise her to do that right now. I wish your dd and granddaughters all the best! |
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Post by busy on Feb 18, 2022 20:39:31 GMT
I'm sure it won't take much to prove he isn't fit to be the full-time caregiver. His job(or lack of) history is proof of that. Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. |
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Post by Mel on Feb 18, 2022 20:41:57 GMT
I'm sure it won't take much to prove he isn't fit to be the full-time caregiver. His job(or lack of) history is proof of that. Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. Ok... unfit wasn't a good choice of words. Sorry! |
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Post by Lexica on Feb 18, 2022 20:50:27 GMT
Im really really sorry - I have no clue what state you’re in and custody is always state specific but she needs to find the absolute best attorney yesterday. Working women losing custody is a very very real thing - he wants custody for child support / ok I don’t know him he MAY want custody for child support - but I’ve seen it and she needs to tread extremely carefully. This was my exact thought too. She would have to pay him if the girls remain with him. If I were her, I would remain in that state rather than give up my children. Getting a good attorney will make all the difference. She can show his lengthy history of not working and only getting job once she decided to divorce him. I so hope she can get permission to move to your area. Did they start out in your state? How long have they lived in that area? If he wasn't working, what was keeping them in that area? Too bad she didn't force a move to your state before letting him know she wanted a divorce. Relocating shouldn't have mattered to him since he wasn't working anyway. He might be afraid of having to pay child support if she takes the girls with her. Maybe she can make a deal to release him from child support obligations if he allows her to move back to where family is located. I know that doesn't sound fair, but at least it would give her bargaining power to get to move home. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,884
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Post by Just T on Feb 18, 2022 20:54:07 GMT
Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. I think a dad who plays video games all night and sleeps all day is definitely an unfit parent. What would you call a mom who did that? It doesn't sound like he is not working because he is a stay at home involved dad. |
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 20:54:21 GMT
I am really sorry that your daughter is going through this right now. I liked your post because I want you to know that I read it thoroughly. I understand why you and her stepmother want to go out and get her. And depending on the state if he wants to really cause problems; he can make it so that his daughters don’t leave the county unless he gives written permission. I know that’s what happens in California. Your daughter needs to get an attorney as soon as possible. She needs to have it documented that her DH does not care about his daughter being on an IEP or helping her. She also needs to document that he has not worked in six years. What type of work can he do? If it’s a tech job he will have no problem getting one. He was in the Army for a few years and had a license to drive to trucks. I'm fairly certain he let it lapse. |
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Post by freecharlie on Feb 18, 2022 20:54:37 GMT
He probably doesn't eat to have to pay child support.
The lawyer can best advise.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Feb 18, 2022 20:55:23 GMT
My guess is that he suddenly decided he wants custody, so he can avoid paying child support or so that he receives child support.
It's all about the money.
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 18, 2022 20:55:53 GMT
Im really really sorry - I have no clue what state you’re in and custody is always state specific but she needs to find the absolute best attorney yesterday. Working women losing custody is a very very real thing - he wants custody for child support / ok I don’t know him he MAY want custody for child support - but I’ve seen it and she needs to tread extremely carefully. To add, another thing is that it can be hard to move your kids out of state over objections, so absolutely, lawyer up immediately. |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,878
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Feb 18, 2022 20:55:58 GMT
I'm sure it won't take much to prove he isn't fit to be the full-time caregiver. His job(or lack of) history is proof of that. Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. I'm thinking more along the lines of can't keep a stable job not doesn't work and kicks it on the couch with his homies all the time. My DH "doesn't work" for the last 11 years since we started having kids. He's been a kick ass SAHD. Now that both kids are back in school he's back working. He's a general contractor/home builder so self employed. |
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 20:56:42 GMT
Have her start gathering documentation now. Financial documents, any documents hat show who takes the girls to Drs appointments, who participated in IEP meetings who takes them to therapy, who participates in meetings with teachers. Find a lawyer bow and follow their advice. There is a very real risk she’ll be ordered to stay within x number of miles of him. I have her working on it now. I'm fairly certain I'll be helping with the attorney bills. |
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Post by busy on Feb 18, 2022 20:58:12 GMT
Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. I think a dad who plays video games all night and sleeps all day is definitely an unfit parent. What would you call a mom who did that? It doesn't sound like he is not working because he is a stay at home involved dad. As I said... not defending THIS dad. The post I was responding to said his lack of job history is proof he's unfit. Not that he plays video games and sleeps all day. That he doesn't work. And that's total BS... and also a very common attitude toward real SAHDs (not calling this dad a SAHD, he just seems to be lazy). |
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 21:01:23 GMT
Im really really sorry - I have no clue what state you’re in and custody is always state specific but she needs to find the absolute best attorney yesterday. Working women losing custody is a very very real thing - he wants custody for child support / ok I don’t know him he MAY want custody for child support - but I’ve seen it and she needs to tread extremely carefully. This was my exact thought too. She would have to pay him if the girls remain with him. If I were her, I would remain in that state rather than give up my children. Getting a good attorney will make all the difference. She can show his lengthy history of not working and only getting job once she decided to divorce him. I so hope she can get permission to move to your area. Did they start out in your state? How long have they lived in that area? If he wasn't working, what was keeping them in that area? Too bad she didn't force a move to your state before letting him know she wanted a divorce. Relocating shouldn't have mattered to him since he wasn't working anyway. He might be afraid of having to pay child support if she takes the girls with her. Maybe she can make a deal to release him from child support obligations if he allows her to move back to where family is located. I know that doesn't sound fair, but at least it would give her bargaining power to get to move home. She will stay if he gets custody. She won't leave the girls. They were in the army for a few years and then settled in Michigan (where me, my ex and the rest of the family live). They moved to Oregon because his mom lives there and he kept insisting they would have better access to VA benefits. He hasn't had a job since they moved to OR and only worked for about 6 months when they lived here. |
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 21:07:59 GMT
Um... I'm not defending this specific guy but what the hell? A dad who doesn't work is an unfit parent? No. I'm thinking more along the lines of can't keep a stable job not doesn't work and kicks it on the couch with his homies all the time. My DH "doesn't work" for the last 11 years since we started having kids. He's been a kick ass SAHD. Now that both kids are back in school he's back working. He's a general contractor/home builder so self employed. See I'd be okay with him being a SAHD. He stays home but doesn't do anything. He wasn't prepping dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, nothing. DD has been doing it all. DD also got a truancy letter from the school because he was failing to get DGD10 on the bus on time and she wouldn't make it to school. DD had to change her work hours so she would be home to make sure DGD got on the bus. |
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,884
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Post by Just T on Feb 18, 2022 21:11:07 GMT
I'm thinking more along the lines of can't keep a stable job not doesn't work and kicks it on the couch with his homies all the time. My DH "doesn't work" for the last 11 years since we started having kids. He's been a kick ass SAHD. Now that both kids are back in school he's back working. He's a general contractor/home builder so self employed. See I'd be okay with him being a SAHD. He stays home but doesn't do anything. He wasn't prepping dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, nothing. DD has been doing it all. DD also got a truancy letter from the school because he was failing to get DGD10 on the bus on time and she wouldn't make it to school. DD had to change her work hours so she would be home to make sure DGD got on the bus. Hopefully she can document all of that as it will help her when he is trying to get custody. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Feb 18, 2022 21:13:03 GMT
Is he not working because he is on disability? What is his disability? In my state, I have heard of parents trying to move out of state and they can't without permission from the other parent. I believe there is a certain number of miles that they can move. These days 50/50 is more of the norm so she shouldn't plan on having full custody unless she can prove that he is unfit, which is actually usually quite difficult.
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 21:20:36 GMT
I’m sorry but no - a lack of job does NOT make one unfit - he’ll claim he’s the primary care giver while she worked - I’ve seen it - working mothers absolutely lose custody and his lack of a job will not help her case  Sadly, this isn't going to be easy for your DD to get everything she wants. Is his family involved with the girls? They have been providing the phone plan and might not be too keen to see their granddaughters move across the country. I've seen this before where a guy doesn't get their act together until they are served divorce papers. They don't understand why their wife won't work it out and the fact they've been unhappy for years, asking for changes, etc., just goes over their head. I am sorry your DD is in this battle and hope she gets a lawyer ASAP. Yes his family is involved and has helped them out quite a bit financially (car, cell phone, rent, food). However, DD says they are finally starting to see exactly what kind of person SIL is and have told him they will not be providing any more financial help. My guess is that they don't want the DGDs to leave as much as we want them home, so I don't know how that will play out. |
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miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 331
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 18, 2022 21:30:06 GMT
Is he not working because he is on disability? What is his disability? In my state, I have heard of parents trying to move out of state and they can't without permission from the other parent. I believe there is a certain number of miles that they can move. These days 50/50 is more of the norm so she shouldn't plan on having full custody unless she can prove that he is unfit, which is actually usually quite difficult. He is on 50% disability for a back problem. He has been told he can work with some accommodations (no lifting over so many lbs., etc.) but that leaves a lot of jobs that he could be doing. He's attempted to go back to school to get a degree four times and never made it past the first few weeks. He told me he wants a desk job or a management job (aka Eddie in Christmas Vacation) but he doesn't seem to want to put the work in to get to that place. I understand that it is likely DD may have to remain there. It just pisses me off! |
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Post by busy on Feb 18, 2022 21:33:31 GMT
I am not an attorney and I am only speaking anecdotally of people I know, but all the divorced couples I know here in Oregon have 50/50 custody. A couple people I know who wanted to move to different states had major challenges getting that approved.
Good luck to your daughter, OP.
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Post by MissBianca on Feb 18, 2022 21:37:17 GMT
I'm thinking more along the lines of can't keep a stable job not doesn't work and kicks it on the couch with his homies all the time. My DH "doesn't work" for the last 11 years since we started having kids. He's been a kick ass SAHD. Now that both kids are back in school he's back working. He's a general contractor/home builder so self employed. See I'd be okay with him being a SAHD. He stays home but doesn't do anything. He wasn't prepping dinner, doing dishes, helping with homework, nothing. DD has been doing it all. DD also got a truancy letter from the school because he was failing to get DGD10 on the bus on time and she wouldn't make it to school. DD had to change her work hours so she would be home to make sure DGD got on the bus. These are the things she needs to be writing down and giving her attorney. Does she still have a copy of the letter or can she get One from the school? You can move out of state with objections, but it’s not easy. She needs to list the reasons why. Support, cost of living, she needs to see about lining up potential jobs. Find schools that support her children's needs. She really needs to do her homework. I’ve had a few friends do it and they even dangled the carrot of no child support. A lot of the dads took the bait too. |
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,104
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Post by mimima on Feb 18, 2022 21:43:24 GMT
Mom hugs
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Sadly, this isn't going to be easy for your DD to get everything she wants.
Sadly, this isn't going to be easy for your DD to get everything she wants.
