sandwich generation (mostly a vent) (update in OP)

One of the things I will NEVER forget is my Grandfather getting his affairs in order before his illness (cancer) got too much for him. He and my grandmother moved from a large property to a retirement village, held numerous yard sales to clear out their house of things that were not important, sold their van and extra car etc etc.
It meant that when the time came that he was too sick to function, my grandmother was in a safe place that still held memories of him and them but wasn’t so large that she couldn’t live there safely on her own. Everything in her villa is important or of value, and many pieces have a name taped on the back so that when she passes we know which of the kids/grandkids the item was promised to.
She has the flexibility to travel and stay with family, and the freedom to do so as any jobs around the villa while she is gone are taken care of as a part of the village where she lives.

In comparison, my husband has just lost his grandmother at a young age to dementia. Not only was the family house on a large acreage packed to the rafters with stuff, but it is a few states away from any family assistance. Just the thought of what had to be done sent his Grandfather on a downward spiral of depression and being unable to make any decisions whatsoever, this then ended in him not being able to physically look after himself at all. It was a huge burden to get him somewhere safe where he could be cared for.

End of life planning is so often overlooked or put off as being too “morbid” but is so vitally important for the people who actually care and love you that you leave behind. Why do people spend more time planning a holiday than they ever spend on making sure they are leaving a happy memory of themselves to their closest and dearest rather than a memory of ongoing (sometimes for YEARS) stress, pain and trauma?

I have nothing but empathy with those having to deal with the lack of preparation from their loved ones, and all I can do is make sure that I personally make a good example (when my time comes!) of what being positive and proactive about this life stage can look like and be for my kids.

Sorry for the rant, this topic hit a recent sore spot 🙂

Hugs to all of you. It is a hard situation for everyone.

I do have a humorous situation to share. It wasn’t so funny at the time, but we all laugh about it now. My mother was a recent widow taking care (not literally but organizing the care) of my father’s parents and aunt (whose only child had died in a tragic accident and was herself a widow). There are 4 children and we had divided things up pretty good. My mother was meals on wheels to both households. My aunt had severe dementia and had live in, round the clock nursing arranged by my mother. My grandmother died first from leukemia (she was sick when my Dad passed away if cancer). Then the Aunt passed away, leaving us to only take care of Grandpa. My father fully supported his parents financially and even in his death had made arrangements to do so via a living will. My grandfather was a very cantankerous person. My mother and us had taken care of my Dad at home as he died of cancer (this was prior to Hospice. My grandfather insisted that he wanted to move into my mother’s home and have her take care of him. No way!!! None of us would allow that. My grandfather was basically a total jerk for a year and would fire anyone that we had hired to come into his home to take care of him and things. My mother would send over a meal and my grandfather would throw it back at us because it wasn’t what he wanted. However, if 1 of us picked him up and brought him over to Mom’s for dinner, he was quite the gentleman. We went through this daily for about 6 months before my grandfather ended up with a severe heart problem and hospitalized. He had precious heart issues. My father had been a physician at the hospital where my grandfather was hospitalized. Everyone knew and loved my Dad. My mother started getting calls from the hospital staff about my grandfather. He didn’t like his room and wanted to be in a suite like my Dad had. He threw the meals at the staff because he wanted my Mom to bring him meals. He was basically a 2 year old throwing temper tantrums. The hospital social worker was talking to us on a daily basis. We were advised to keep my Mom out of the situation. My older brother was now in charge. It became evident that my grandfather would need more care than anyone could provide at his home. He needed round the clock nursing. My siblings and I visited serval senior living/nursing facilities and had chosen a nice one with different levels of care. My brothers moved in his favorite chair and my sister and I had purchased him new clothes and pajamas. We were all present when the van arrived with my grandfather. My grandfather was so very angry at everyone. He wanted to move in with my mother and have her take care of him. He arrived yelling and didn’t stop. The social worker suggested we all leave. We were walking out of his room and he yelled, “I show you! I will die!” My older brother got the call at 2am the next morning that my grandfather had indeed died.

I had to kidnap my Dad.  I had to fly down to Florida (he was a snow bird), his PCP basically said “go bring him home, he’s too sick to stay there alone”.  We got off the plane at Logan in Boston, into a cab and directly to an emergency room.  He was in the hospital for 3 weeks and then in rehab for 4.  I moved him right from rehab to assisted living 4 minutes from me.  Enough was enough.  I couldn’t handle him at his home anymore, I was caring for DH with terminal cancer and DS with Autism.  Having him so close I could manage his appointments, take him shopping and see him daily to bring him coffee.  

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  It’s so hard when you have to parent your parent.  

Goodness you are an angel to juggle all of that for your family.

Did you have to get any legal documentations to move your Dad? Or did he go willingly? 

He fought me but he almost died in Florida so I think he FINALLY realized this was his only option.  I didn’t give him any other option.  He sided he’d fight me and I said “do it” but he didn’t.  I kick myself because if I forced the issue a couple of years before when I first tired to get him in assisted living I think he’d still be with us.

I couldn’t agree more! We are beginning to look at retirement homes as we downsized 15 years ago so we are okay to begin this next move. 

We live about 15-20 minutes from our DD so we want to stay in that radius. Unfortunately our DS lives overseas so DD will be our go to. 

I'm so sorry you had to deal with ALL of that ! Please
don't kick yourself---you did the best you could! ((( hugs )))

It sounds like a roller coaster, as illness and hospice almost always is. Thank you for allowing us to be there to listen, epeanymous. Have you asked for a script for Ativan for your dad? My mom's doctor gave her a script when she entered hospice. When she would have anxiety it went through the roof. We would dose her w/an Ativan and that allowed her to rest.

(Sorry I also thought this was about your parents, not your in-laws).  This would drive me me nuts too.  Hospice said, "This is the time you call in the troops--your family, friends, etc." because they knew that I was disabled and not physically able to help DH 24/7.  He was over 6' and 265 lbs, and I'm barely 5'.  I told Hospice, "I wish we did have family and friends down here, but we have no one".  They responded with, "Well, that's the time you hire a private nurse".  I WISH that we could have afforded any private help, but we couldn't.  DH told me so very often that he felt terrible and worried about me.  I'd encourage your in-laws to THINK about lining up extra help with a private nurse in case this becomes too much for your MIL.