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Post by librarylady on Oct 16, 2022 20:16:59 GMT
Our first DIL was in the family about 18 years before I realized she loved to carry tales back and forth and (apparently) entertained herself by "let's get you two fighting/arguing."
I feel stupid for it taking that long for me to realize it. After I did, I limit my interactions with her...of course, it lessened my opinion of her.
Got any "agitators" in your family? If there are others in my family I am still ignorant of those individuals.
ETA: DH was divorced and married me about 2 years later. What this DIL was doing was coming to DH and saying "your ex said xyz" and going to his ex and telling a lie there. Of course then DH and his ex were then in foul mood with one another and having disagreements. When I finally realized what was going on, a few discussions with the ex wife and we then knew DIL and what she was about. --They had been divorced about 12 years when DIL came into the family.
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 16, 2022 20:19:03 GMT
My grandfather loved to bait me and we had a lot of spirited conversations. He used to say, “Ok, now switch sides” and we would argue the other person’s point. I loved that man… 💕
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Post by librarylady on Oct 16, 2022 20:21:51 GMT
My grandfather loved to bait me and we had a lot of spirited conversations. He used to say, “Ok, now switch sides” and we would argue the other person’s point. I loved that man… 💕 What a great way to teach about seeing both sides of an issue. Good for your grandfather.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 16, 2022 20:39:29 GMT
I had an aunt who was, but she was often upfront about her doings. She caused many issues.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 16, 2022 20:45:25 GMT
Luckily none in my family - at least one or two generations up or down from me. Three of my four boys are married, and I feel I've hit the jackpot with all those young ladies.
There are people like that, however, in my extended family and my family-by-marriage. But thankfully, they are easily avoided or ignored.
I have friends who are constantly in family turmoil due to these types of people. It's awful for them.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,408
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Oct 16, 2022 21:19:58 GMT
I have a SIL that I finally found out was talking shit about me for years and it definitely explained the strained relationship with her DD and the rest of the extended family. Our niece finally wised up to her mother. The SIL is fairly easy to avoid. DH isn't his sister's biggest fan and has had his own run ins with her.
I try to stay away from other people's drama. Most often those people are just miserable and want to project their unhappiness onto others.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Oct 16, 2022 23:09:20 GMT
Not in regards to conflict.
There's one if you tell them anything.......then the rest of the family, their friends, their neighbors, their colleagues, the other ball team Moms, their manicurist, etc...are all going to know.
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Post by Merge on Oct 16, 2022 23:13:09 GMT
Certain members of my extended family enjoy drama as long as it revolves around them. I don’t think we have anyone who stirs up drama between other people.
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Gem Girl
Pearl Clutcher
......
Posts: 2,682
Jun 29, 2014 19:29:52 GMT
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Post by Gem Girl on Oct 16, 2022 23:30:48 GMT
Stirring up stink is a hobby for some people. Some workplace managers and politicians enjoy this, too, as people who are pitted against each other aren't evaluating they, themselves. Asking, "Do you have any proof of that?" will often either shush them, or lead them to saying "Many people think" type crud (sound familiar?). Repeat the same request for proof or validation, and they go away. Be prepared to be bad-mouthed after that (people who pull this sort of thing don't like to be discovered, confronted, or bested). I'm sorry you have one to deal with.
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Post by quinlove on Oct 16, 2022 23:34:34 GMT
Librarylady ~ I love your new avatar. 😊
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Post by cakediva on Oct 17, 2022 0:27:17 GMT
My brother's ex wife was a shit stirrer. We discovered this a while after they split (after 20 years of marriage).
Mom and I were chatting and discovered that the bitch had told her I was really having a hard time with her getting remarried after my Dad passed. No such thing was ever said by me or my brother. There were other things, but that's the one that sticks out the most!
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 17, 2022 0:36:14 GMT
I have been married to my husband for 25 years and my in-laws both tried to persuade him out of marrying me and have been trying to get him to divorce me ever since.
It sucks.
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Post by mom on Oct 17, 2022 0:41:52 GMT
My MIL is s shit stirrer. She will absolutely lie to one person to get them upset with another family member. DH + I have been married 18 years and every single family event she has started some sort of shit.
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Post by melanell on Oct 17, 2022 0:44:49 GMT
I have a few agitators, yes. I don't understand wanting to be that person, I really don't. Oddly enough, they all have different personalities beyond that common trait.
The other thing I don't understand is how people who are older than I am, and therefore have been dealing with these people longer than I have (or at least as long) who still play into it. I absolutely will NOT. I will steer conversation away all day long if I have to.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 17, 2022 0:55:52 GMT
Neither of my sons like drama. At all. My husband would often listen to work gossip (mine) when I shared, but overall, there is no drama in the house. Extended family now is either far away or not big into either.
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Post by librarylady on Oct 17, 2022 1:34:12 GMT
Librarylady ~ I love your new avatar. 😊 Thanks. That is our cat/Shadow peeking from behind my autumn gourds. I thought it made a wonderful Halloween photo.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,538
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Oct 17, 2022 1:42:15 GMT
My DH and DS find yelling at each other to be a perfectly valid method of communication, and they can then go right on to acting like nothing has happened. DD and I are both peacemakers who are often rather traumatized by this. I hate it! (And some of it is just both "sides" being too extreme, to be fair - I loathe any degree of conflict and kind of freak out, and they also need to learn how to tone it down some. DH knows to tone it down with other people, but DS hasn't completely learned that yet, so our interactions are sometimes difficult.)
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Post by peasapie on Oct 17, 2022 1:54:29 GMT
Stirring up stink is a hobby for some people. Some workplace managers and politicians enjoy this, too, as people who are pitted against each other aren't evaluating they, themselves. Asking, "Do you have any proof of that?" will often either shush them, or lead them to saying "Many people think" type crud (sound familiar?). Repeat the same request for proof or validation, and they go away. Be prepared to be bad-mouthed after that (people who pull this sort of thing don't like to be discovered, confronted, or bested). I'm sorry you have one to deal with. That’s very sound advice.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 2:42:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2022 1:57:04 GMT
I have an aunt and cousin - her daughter- that are pot stirrers. There's something wrong with them but I'm not sure if they ever formally got diagnosed. Aunt would blame everyone around her for her troubles. Cousin would just start shit over anything she took as a slight. Didn't get that copy of the family photo to her before a different family member? Ohh, you were excluding her on purpose. The other aunt in this group stopped hosting holidays because of them. My parents refused to host as well as an uncle. After some stupid drama over not getting enough birthday greetings on FB and several racist comments from them and others in that family, I cut off contact. My sister claims ignorance and stays in touch. Dad does enough to keep the peace. Uncle washed his hands of them years ago, shortly after grandpa passed away. Last I heard, cousin's oldest kid doesn't talk to her, aunt's last husband left her, and at least one of her kids don't talk to her.
DH has at least one cousin that likes drama and will say stuff to get people riled up. She tried it the last time we had everyone together. Her siblings ignored it. The in-laws mostly rolled their eyes. The newest in-law was ready to fight until her DH told her that she does this all the time. Ignore it and she'll drop it. It's kinda funny to watch the wind go out of her sails.
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,396
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Oct 17, 2022 11:16:54 GMT
My DIL's mother. She has almost a pathological need to cause drama between various family members. It all came to a head this summer and caused some seriously hurt feelings. She tries to pit one family member against the other and exaggerates incidents between us. It is heartbreaking. I think my DIL's relationship between her and her father has been irreparably damaged.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 17, 2022 11:35:12 GMT
DEX That is horrible. DH's oldest sister is the problem in his family. She's actually much better the last few years. She lies and doesn't seem to think the rest of us talk and discover we've all been told something different. Her own 2 DD's have cut her out of their lives in the past.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,891
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 17, 2022 12:59:36 GMT
Not drama so much, but I do have someone who thrives on chaos. Everything in their life is constantly in a state of mayhem. I don't think it's a conscious process, but they always choose the harder path, the one that creates the most craziness for them (and unfortunately everyone else in their life.)
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 17, 2022 13:17:26 GMT
Thankfully that’s one thing I haven’t had to deal with in either of our extended families. BUT DH worked for a guy once who really didn’t like me and did and said a lot of shady crap to try to get DH to dump me. His boss didn’t like it that I was telling DH that they were taking advantage of his good nature, and I didn’t like that they had ramped up his hours and had him working close to 80 hours a week for a shitty salary with lousy benefits when that wasn’t the initial deal that all had (handshake) agreed to. Seriously, who does that? Years later we were both delighted to be able to witness karma biting that guy squarely in the ass. It doesn’t happen often but when it does revenge is sweet.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Oct 17, 2022 13:19:07 GMT
My mom is the shit stirrer in the family - constantly trying to get one of us kids pissed at the other, puts herself in the middle and moans "I wish you kids could get along". It's be easier, Mother dear, if you'd quit fiddling! She's done her best to ruin my relationship with my sister (who's a total mess in general anyway) and has now moved on to me and my brother. THAT won't happen - we both are on to her.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,741
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Oct 17, 2022 13:32:12 GMT
My MIL is the agitator. So DH had 2 sisters and 1 brother, there were 4 of them. The MIL and both SIL cut BIL out of their lives over a stupid argument about sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving one year. Both SILs don't talk to each other over a stupid argument (sensing the theme here?) about shoveling parking spots when you street park. MIL would tell one SIL what the other SIL said and vice versa, stirring the drama. Everyone would ask DH about the ex-communicated brother (oh and they cut both of his kids out of their lives too) and I'd tell DH to keep his mouth shut, if they want to know what's going on with him they can reach out to him.
I told DH once he passed I wouldn't hear from his family, and I don't (other than occasional texts from his brother). He would say "oh, that's not true", to which I'd respond "they can't even come see you when you're dying (brother did), they're not going to pay me or DS any attention". And I'm perfectly fine with it. They're terrible people (except the brother). Because I was raised right, I will send birthday cards and I have DS call MIL on her birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas. But that's it. No one invited us to any holidays the year after DH passed, no one reached out at all. I'm good. Unfortunately when DS talks to MIL he always hands the phone to me so I have to make nice. Last time I talked to her she was lamenting about how none of her kids talk to each other and I said "well, you raised them", it was out before I realized what I was saying. Needless to say we got off the phone shortly after that.
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Post by malibou on Oct 17, 2022 14:56:33 GMT
My oldest sister can be pretty shitty at times, but the my 3 other siblings and my self have been on to her for ages, so she doesn't do it much to us. However, her son and his family no longer speak to her, and about 50% of the time her 2 daughters don't either. My siblings and I tend to rally around her kids so they know their mother is a nutter and to take what she says with a grain of salt. They know we have their backs.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,998
Location: Northern Virginia
Aug 7, 2014 22:09:44 GMT
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Oct 17, 2022 15:39:47 GMT
Ugh, I'm sorry so many of you have to deal with this (or have in the past).
I've had several extended family members in the past who were just plain toxic, mean, and self-centered, they were not agitators of the type you're referring to. Thankfully, the main one is no longer in our lives (a sibling's ex). The other one is still in our lives (not a blood relative though), and has matured a bit so she's not quite as drama-inducing as she used to be. She still lashes out at times and says extremely hurtful things; we limit our contact with her but it's difficult because she really has no other family left.
As far as the type who stirs things up just for the sake of agitating, pitting people against other, and creating drama, we had an aunt growing up who did that. (She's no longer in our lives.) She was my mom's brother's wife and constantly stirred things up, usually hurting my mom in the process. She capitalized on my the strained relationship between my grandmother (my mom's mom) and my mom to agitate things between them, and also between my other aunts and uncles (my mom's siblings and their spouses). It was a mess and my mom had almost no positive interactions with that brother and his wife from all their lies and scheming; we stopped visiting them and would only see them at other family events where we limited our interactions. One of my cousins from that family was also a mean agitator and tried to stir up cousin drama - she seemed to have it out for my sister, who was near to her age. She ended up getting her panties in a twist that DH and I didn't invite all my cousins to our wedding - she took that as a slight and replied huffily that if they weren't invited she wasn't coming either! (Thank God, LOL.) I have a lot of cousins, but wasn't close to any of them, none were near to my age, and so none of them were invited, although all of my aunts and uncles were invited. We did invite a few of DH's cousins that he was close to.
TL;DR version: mean people suck!
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Post by auntkelly on Oct 17, 2022 16:19:30 GMT
I had an inlaw (now deceased) who made my life absolutely miserable at times. She could be a lovely, sweet, fun person and then suddenly become a raging beast over nothing. At one point she caused a rift so bad between my husband and myself, I honestly wondered if the damage could be healed. Finally, after months of trying to get him to talk about what happened and see things from my point of view, he realized that his family had just always backed down to this person and let her have her way to avoid any type of conflict.
She would blow up at me and be mad at me for days or weeks or sometimes even months and then she would suddenly act as if nothing ever happened. I never would have put up w/ her if she were not family. I think she thought if she pretended like nothing had ever happened between us, that I would forget all about these incidents as well and that our relationship would not be damaged. I don't think she ever realized how much she hurt me and how much damage she did to our relationship.
I really did love this inlaw in many ways, but I hated the drama she caused.
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Post by Lexica on Oct 17, 2022 16:41:16 GMT
My ex’s next wife was a terrible instigator. At least she tried to be. She would make up all kinds of stuff like I hid in the house and wouldn’t answer the door when she came to pick up my son for visitation. Truth: we went for an early dinner at a Mexican restaurant that my son loved. She actually came 2 hours early and figured she would get him just because she was already at my house. She wasn’t there when we came home from dinner so I had no clue anything was brewing.
My ex came to pick him up and blasted me for hiding in the house and playing games. I quietly went to my purse and pulled out the dinner receipt and hoped there was a date and time on it. There was. I also mentioned our son might not want another dinner and let him tell you we had already eaten. Surely if we were hiding in the house our son would say something!. I asked him if he had ever seen me play childish games like that. He agreed it wasn’t like me at all.
She also told him that I instructed the neighborhood kids to spit on her car. Yeah, I have that power. What the heck? I was also calling and hanging up in the middle of the night when he was away fishing for a weekend. I asked him how I would know he wasn’t home. I wouldn’t. It was just something for her to say to create hostility between us.
She was afraid we would get back together. He actually did ask me to but I refused. He asked me when the two of them were living together right before they got married. He told me he couldn’t live alone so if I wouldn’t take him back he would be forced to marry her. How romantic of him, huh?
He had cheated on me with her. Did she really expect him to suddenly change? He ended up cheating on her too. And she had the nerve to come crying to me when she found out! He asked me to get back together again after he and that wife divorced. I still wasn’t interested.
My son told me he is cheating on his current wife too. He is going to end up alone if he doesn’t knock it off. He is 70!! And time and drinking has taken a major toll on him. He needs to stop fooling around and be happy with what he has.
My sisters are both drama creators and I stopped all communication when my mom died because of their games. I like my life peaceful.
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Post by tc on Oct 17, 2022 16:48:23 GMT
My DH's best friend (who is now deceased) had to date drama women. I did not understand it. If the woman wasn't in a fued with someone or causing drama with someone over something (usually over nothing) he'd cheat on her or ghost her for some other drama woman. It was so frustrating to watch the cycle repeat itself over and over again. And, then, the worst part was at his funeral when all these women were catty with each other over perceived slights or for not being recognized as "the woman". Not the time or place ladies. But that didn't stop a fight from breaking out in the lobby of the funeral home.
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