huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by huskergal on Dec 2, 2022 17:19:55 GMT
My kids did not date in high school. It was never a thing. If my children had a bf or gf in high school, I would not have allowed them to stay the night.
While we still had school age children in the house, I did not allow adult children to let the bf or gf stay over unless they were on the couch. (I know they might have moved during the night, but they better have been on the couch in the morning.)
Our oldest son started dating a girl his freshman year of college. We already knew her because she was a friend of our oldest daughter. They got married this year after 8 years of dating. Spending the night was never an issue as they were already out of the house and lived close enough that they could drive home.
Our youngest dd has had 2 serious boyfriends. I hated him. I was so glad when they broke up. Her 2nd boyfriend was fine. He was at our house a lot. He was fine. We liked him. I was not sad when they broke up. Was not attached to him at all.
Our youngest ds had one girlfriend. We also already knew her. They dated end of junior year through senior year (2020). I love her. I still do. I am hoping some day they get back together. Ds was not a good boyfriend. Too young. Spend more time with friends than her. They are going to the same university and are both in the marching band.
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Just T
Drama Llama
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Post by Just T on Dec 2, 2022 17:36:47 GMT
This is so tough. I was very attached to my youngest daughter's HS boyfriend. They started dating their sophomore year and dated until her sophomore year of college. I think I was just as devastated as she was when they broke up (it was a mutual thing). I liked him a lot, and I still say he set the standard high for how a boy should treat you.
Her next boyfriend I didn't care a whole lot for. He seemed nice enough, and he seemed thoughtful and was a good gift giver. But he was hard to get to know. Also, he lived about 3 hours away from here, and an hour from where she went to college, so I didn't spend much time with him. Sometimes she would tell me things he did/said that made me cringe, but I tried to keep my mouth shut. LOL He drank way too much, and after they broke up (after dating for almost 3 years) she told me some really sad stories about how he talked to her when he drank too much. He also would threaten to kill himself if she broke up with him, which she admits made her stay with him longer than she wanted to. It's almost two years since she broke up with him, and within a week, he had a new girlfriend who he is now expecting a baby with. Whew, I just am always thankful it's not my daughter.
She now is dating an absolutely lovely, sweet guy and they live together. He is truly a gem, and I will honestly be completely devastated if they break up. LOL I was texting with his mom one night--she invited me and my other daughter to their house for Thanksgiving dinner, and I texted her the next day to thank her. Anyway, I told her how lovely and kind her son is, and she seems like she loves my daughter just as much. She said she will be devastated if they break up! I laughed and told her I think that all the time. I know they are talking about getting engaged, but there is nothing official yet.
My other, oldest daughter, is gay, and she dated this sweet, lovely girl for a little over three years. She lives a few hours away, and she used to spend a lot of time at our house for long weekends, and even longer. She went on a couple of vacations with us, and she and I became pretty close. Sometimes she would come to visit and I would take vacation days to hang out with her when my daughter couldn't get time off work. We had a lot in common and had fun together. I was so heartbroken when they broke up. I really thought they would be together forever. My daughter broke up with her, and I know she was devastated too. She kept in touch with me a little bit, but I could tell it bothered my daughter, so she stopped. Every once in a while she will message me on IG to see how I am doing. She does have a new girlfriend and she seems really happy, so that makes me happy.
Sorry for that long winded answer! LOL
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oh yvonne
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Dec 2, 2022 17:46:20 GMT
Gosh, I have so many feelings about this. I believe in being nice and kind and welcoming but there's a line.
My eldest DD's first big love in HS with the star football player and he was a PLAYER. His mother didn't have daughters and was obsessed with DD. She would insist DD would sit w/her at football games, and DD was so in love with this boy she did everything to please that woman. It was not healthy for DD and I was sooo tempted to ask that woman to leave DD alone. I stayed out of it I let it play out and eventually he dumped DD but his mother was still wanting to stay close to my daughter. I bit my tongue, I told DD a few times to politely say hi but to go and be with her other friends. But because my daughter still was in love with the guy the two of them stayed chummy for a while after. I felt like screaming at her "leave my daughter alone!". I really struggled on what to do but DD has always been very strong willed so I told her my feelings on it but in the end I didn't say anything. Eventually it petered out thankfully.
Same thing happened with her next boyfriend. Mother had two sons and no daughters and fixated on my daughter. She was good to her though and invited her along to some family vacations (by this time DD was 18 so I had no say). Again, this guy was not the right guy for DD but again, I let it play out. They broke up and got back together so many times, and every time DD would cry from a broken heart and meanwhile his mom in the background was trying to get them back together. I never said a word and this woman is still friends w/her on social media and comments on her posts years later.
I had a similar experience w/younger DD, the mother of one her her childhood friends loves her and wants her for her son but the two of them just don't have the chemistry that way, but again, another mom fixating on my daughter inviting her to their stuff trying to make things happen. Her son is a handful and I think she sees my sweet daughter as someone who would be 'good for him'. Thankfully DD has no interest in the boy in that way but it just boggles my mind that these women get so involved with their son's dating lives. It's so inappropriate to me.
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Just T
Drama Llama
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Post by Just T on Dec 2, 2022 18:01:13 GMT
Thankfully DD has no interest in the boy in that way but it just boggles my mind that women get so involved with their son's dating lives. It's so inappropriate to me. My daughter's HS boyfriend's mom didn't do stuff like that, but some of the things she did and said made me go  I didn't know her well, but their senior year of HS, the kids wanted to do their homecoming pictures in his backyard. He lived in a beautiful home, and they had just redone their back yard, put in an outdoor fireplace, etc. My daughter and her Bf along with her best friend and her boyfriend were in the backyard, and his mom and I were in the kitchen when she said to me that she hopes they break up after HS. I must have had a wtf look on my face, and she said, well, I don't want him to end up with his first serious girlfriend." HAAHA...she and her husband had started dating in HS, so it made me wonder if she had some regrets. LOL Besides, my daughter wasn't even his first GF. Fast forward to her being in college. He stayed home for school, and she went to a college 2 hours away. Whenever he wanted to go visit her, his mom wouldn't let him spend the night there. She was in a sorority, and her freshman year formal, he went to it, but his mom made him drive home that night after it was over. He was 18 and in college himself, and I know it bothered my daughter. Her sophomore year, by then they were both 19, same thing. She had a job, was in a sorority and wasn't able to come home that often. And his mom still would only let him go visit her for the day. I think that was part of why they broke up--she thought at the age of 19 he should stand up to his mom. |
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Post by LiLi on Dec 2, 2022 18:42:08 GMT
I try to follow my kid's lead and remember that I'm here to support them. So far, we've had two marriages and a 3rd that is a very long-time relationship. We did have one boyfriend that we disapproved of. I still attempted to remain supportive, no matter how hard it was.
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Post by paulao on Dec 2, 2022 18:57:50 GMT
I totally agree. I don’t understand why parents would get so attached to someone their teenager is dating. Sounds very helicopter and micromanaging. I'm not being a helicopter parent or micromanaging. Like I said, she is usually over here 3 times a week and my family enjoys spending time with each other. I don't make them hang out with us. I'm sorry that you don't seem to have that. 1. You don’t know what I have or don’t have. 2. Why do you feel sorry for me? Are you someone that believes only families like yours are worthy of happiness? That yours is the right way? Stop making assumptions about others. |
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milocat
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Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Dec 2, 2022 19:13:11 GMT
My dd had a serious bf that she met when she was 18. We LOVED him - except for the fact that he is Australian (we're Canadian!). He was a great guy, seemed perfect for her, but was geographically undesirable LOL They met when they both lived in Banff for a year, and then he moved back to Australia & she moved back to Ontario to finish school. They did the long distance thing for 3 more years, flying back & forth for extended visits - but in the end covid killed their relationship. I wonder how many romances happen in seasonal places like that? How many try to keep going like your DD and how many last? When older DD had a boyfriend in highschool, I think he only spent one night here, downstairs on the couch. Younger DD is still aat home and her boyfriend comes and stays here because he lives 90 mins/155 km from here. He's so easy to get along with, he's goofy and fun. He fit in with the extended family right away, if he's here he comes to family dinners and DD does with his family also. He plays card games, some the same we play and is always ready for a game with lots of beaking back and forth. Older DDs second boyfriend (they've broke up now) was more quiet and standoff-ish, but he's a local and was easy to talk to about people and things here. We had taken both of them on summer vacation, different years. I guess my theory is embrace them while there are here, however long that will be. |
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Post by melanell on Dec 2, 2022 19:28:36 GMT
I think boyfriend/girlfriends are a lot like any friends kids have. Some you like more than others. Some spend much more time at your home than others do. And when you cross a kid who like more with a kid who spends a lot of time in your home, it seems perfectly understandable to me if you are a bit bummed or miss them to some degree if the day comes that they are no longer part of your child's life. I personally don't wish to purposely remain stand-offish in preparation for that day, though. As for rules, refraining from any over-the-top PDA is something we appreciate, and since my adult kid wouldn't want to see that from us, their parents, either, they get that request.  We ask that they don't do things that interfere with our normal schedules. We get up early for school & work around here, so while it's up to the adult kids if they want to be up until all hours of the night, they can't keep other family members up. Just basic things like that. |
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Post by Monica* on Dec 2, 2022 20:32:04 GMT
I could have written this word for word. This was exactly the philosophy in my family. Are you not close with your families? I should have added that my 19 year old goes to college but still lives at home. We are close and like spending time with each other. We have always been close with his friends growing up and liked having them around. Several even went on family vacations with us. DS girlfriend likes to come to our house and is usually here 3 times a week. I had a dental procedure done on Monday and she came over that night with cookies she had made for me. Her and DS asked if I wanted to watch a movie with them so we did. I'm an outgoing person and I love that my kids still want to hang out with us. This is exactly how I was raised- in a loving household with people that enjoyed each other's company without expectations. My parents were always super welcoming to all of our friends and significant others. Some of those significant others weren't around that long and others lasted for years. My parents treated everyone the same from the beginning. I still have friends tell me how much fun they had at my house growing up and how much they loved my parents. I like that DH and I are providing the same thing. Actually, I am very close to my family. And I grew up in a tight-knit family. My parents were warm and welcoming to my friends and significant others, but we did not all hang out together often nor did they become attached. And that was fine with me. I think it's presumptive to assume that this means I was not "close" with my family or that I wasn't raised in a "loving household". |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 3, 2022 16:00:08 GMT
I don’t find it weird to be friends with family member exes. My relationship is not theirs. Especially if everyone lives in the same town. Unless there was egregious behavior, I’m not cutting people off. I mean, seeing your child’s ex on street and having a polite conversation is not a betrayal.
I’m close to my ex-SIL and we get together multiple times a year, invite her for holidays. We were the only married-ins so had a lot in common joining a family (that turned out to be less Beaver Cleaver than anticipated).
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garcia5050
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Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Dec 3, 2022 17:05:15 GMT
My MIL was close to my husbands ex (when we were dating). It annoyed the shit out of me. It also annoyed the shit out of my husband and he begged his mom to have nothing to do with her but she refused. It’s a bit of a sore point for me.
I have a good relationship with my in laws, but I remember those feelings like it was yesterday. Even tough it’s been thirty years.
I am nice/kind to my DD’s SO, but if they broke up, there would no longer be a relationship between me and the SO. Of course, if I ran into SO at grocery store or something I’d be cordial.
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We ask that they don't do things that interfere with our normal schedules. We get up early for school & work around here, so while it's up to the adult kids if they want to be up until all hours of the night, they can't keep other family members up. Just basic things like that.
