peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Feb 4, 2023 0:03:17 GMT
Also I only see the crisis situation and it’s not ideal you are stuck making a decision in a hurry and subject to bed availability because hospitals can’t keep people any longer than they need to.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Feb 4, 2023 0:06:42 GMT
There are some beautiful assisted living facilities around and it’s a great option especially for people who enjoy their privacy.
A nurse practitioner I work with tells families when they move into a facility now you just get to be the daughter/son and not the primary caregiver and the release of that burden will make you a better daughter/son.
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Post by Zee on Feb 4, 2023 2:13:17 GMT
My grandma eventually progressed to the point of leaving the (gas) stove on without lighting the pilot light, prompting the neighbors to call, and she was also found wandering the block at nighttime in February in Illinois with no coat. She was very opposed to moving out of her beloved apartment but she was not safe for herself or, obviously, her neighbors.
She was moved to a locked memory care ALF. She never came to like it but it was a nice place and she was at least not a danger to herself or others. She had her own apartment and help with meds and meals. Up until very shortly before she died she was physically fit and active. She became very antagonistic toward my mother in the last year or so, and it would not have been a solution for Grandma to live with her.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 4, 2023 14:51:43 GMT
After reading the edited part, I would have to disagree about the level of care at home vs. in a skilled nursing facility. When someone is at the stage where they really do need round the clock care, how can any one person (or even two people) be expected to provide that level of care 24 hours a day? It can’t be done without taking a massive toll on the caregiver. Taking care of someone who may be up at all hours of the day and night, might be wandering or leaving the stove on unattended, moving things around in the home behind the caregiver’s back so they don’t know where important things are, is exhausting and it’s a multiple person job. Not to mention that it takes a financial toll on the caregiver as well, especially if they have to leave a paid position to be home to take care of the person 24/7. It’s emotionally difficult for the caregiver if the person isn’t cooperative and the caregiver needs to force things like bathing, eating, taking meds or anything else the person just doesn’t want to do. My neighbor is going through this right now with his wife who is suffering from dementia. She can be the sweetest person you ever met but she is downright MEAN to her DH because he has to the be the “bad guy” making her do all this stuff she doesn’t want to do. I will not put that burden on my child if I can help it. My brother did it for my mom up until the last year of her life and he paid a huge price financially, physically and emotionally.
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Post by don on Feb 4, 2023 16:08:38 GMT
I have my wife in an Adult Family Home. There are only 6 patients there, and each have their own bedroom. They are staffed 24/7 because some like to get up at night and roam about, so there is an attendant there to to care for them. The beds, chairs and doors are all alarmed. I go visit and know that she is being cared for way better than I was doing for the past year and a half. Mostly because I didn't know what I was doing. The owners are both nurses, he is an RN and she is an LPN. The cost is $6300 for 24/7 care. They feed her, bathe her, medicate, dress her, toilet her, and care for her. They launder her clothes, change the bedding, groom her, and even paint her fingernails. It is more money than I make, but I am using up her retirement funds to help pay. I figure we are good for 2 more years, after that I have no idea what will happen. My plan is to just go on and not worry about anything until there is something to worry about. Today is good, tomorrow will be tomorrow.
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Post by auntkelly on Feb 4, 2023 16:24:32 GMT
My daughter, who worked in a memory care facility during college, thinks he would get better care living with me. She says, Isn't that what you would want me for do you? Other family members ask if he is living with me or will be living with me. Our current arrangement gives me a lot of anxiety and sadness, and I can't imagine doing it 24/7, even if there is a part time caregiver and occasional limited help from family. I know your daughter means well, but if my daughter asked me that same question I would look her straight in the eye and say “if I develop dementia I absolutely do not want you to care for me in your home. Put me in a nice place and come see me often.” If my daughter argued with me, i would remind her of when my aunt, who was suffering from dementia, stayed with us during Covid. I would spend thirty minutes taking my aunt on a slow walk around the block. Then five minutes after we returned home from our walk she would say “I’d like to go on a walk.” She had no memory of just returning from a walk. I didn’t sleep well during that time because I would hear her wandering around the house at night and I was petrified she would fall down the stairs, or turn on the gas or walk outside the house. My aunt is very sweet, but even though she was in the very early stages of dementia, caring for her was a 24/7 job. I was miserable and I don’t wish that on my kids ever. My aunt is in a very nice memory care facility now and I try to go see her every other day. I hope my kids do the same for me.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Feb 4, 2023 18:49:03 GMT
I have my wife in an Adult Family Home. There are only 6 patients there, and each have their own bedroom. They are staffed 24/7 because some like to get up at night and roam about, so there is an attendant there to to care for them. The beds, chairs and doors are all alarmed. I go visit and know that she is being cared for way better than I was doing for the past year and a half. Mostly because I didn't know what I was doing. The owners are both nurses, he is an RN and she is an LPN. The cost is $6300 for 24/7 care. They feed her, bathe her, medicate, dress her, toilet her, and care for her. They launder her clothes, change the bedding, groom her, and even paint her fingernails. It is more money than I make, but I am using up her retirement funds to help pay. I figure we are good for 2 more years, after that I have no idea what will happen. My plan is to just go on and not worry about anything until there is something to worry about. Today is good, tomorrow will be tomorrow. That sounds like a wonderful place. Around here assisted living costs around $7,000 per month and then if you need help with toileting, bathing, dressing it’s additional. Once you need total care you’re looking at 10-12 thousand a month.
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Post by tuva42 on Feb 4, 2023 22:30:36 GMT
With Alzheimer's the damage to the brain eventually begins to affect more than just memory and cognitive skills. It may cause loss of control of bladder and bowel, it may cause them to lose the ability to walk and very significantly, it often causes problems with swallowing. Food has to be pureed and liquids thickened or you'll have problems with aspirating food which causes pneumonia. So many patients with Alzheimer's die from this. These are all issues that care facilities are often better at dealing with than those of us at home. A good care facility that specializes in Alzheimer's and related dementia would definitely be able to provide good care.
It's a difficult decision. If you have the resources at home to deal with him not being able to walk and to use the bathroom and the caregivers can prepare pureed food and thicken drinks, you may be able to keep him at home.
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carhoch
Pearl Clutcher
Be yourself everybody else is already taken
Posts: 3,028
Location: We’re RV’s so It change all the time .
Jun 28, 2014 21:46:39 GMT
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Post by carhoch on Feb 4, 2023 22:43:19 GMT
This happened in Switzerland to my mother in law ,after long discussions with her and the family ,her doctor contacted the dmv because she refused to stop driving and had 3 accidents in three weeks,she had to go in front of judge who declared her to be a danger to herself and society and place her . Thankfully the memory unit she is in is wonderful.
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Bridget in MD
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,569
Member is Online
Jun 25, 2014 20:40:00 GMT
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Post by Bridget in MD on Feb 4, 2023 23:27:30 GMT
My mother is 92, legally deaf but refuses to wearing her hearing aids and has been on dialysis for the past 3 months. She will not go into assisted living. We have a caregiver come to help out a couple times a week. Honestly, she needs to be in assisted living. Either my sister or I have to call multiple times a day to make sure she is up and ready for her transportation to dialysis, is eating, etc. Prior to going on dialysis I spoke with her doctor and dialysis social worker and told them I didn't think she was capable of following through with it. But she insisted, so here we are. In the past month I have decided to stop calling multiple times a day to remind her of things. If she isn't ready for the dialysis van, then she will have to miss dialysis. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. If she doesn't take meds, she doesn't take meds. I have my hands full taking care of my autistic sons and I live 1,000 miles away. It was beginning to impact the level of care I was providing my sons. It came down to providing quality care to the 2 young people in my home, who hopefully have decades of a quality life ahead of them over someone who might have months to live. It's sad, because I love my mother and don't want her to suffer. But she refuses (or more likely incapable) of accepting her declining health. It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less.
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Post by don on Feb 4, 2023 23:36:06 GMT
I have my wife in an Adult Family Home. There are only 6 patients there, and each have their own bedroom. They are staffed 24/7 because some like to get up at night and roam about, so there is an attendant there to to care for them. The beds, chairs and doors are all alarmed. I go visit and know that she is being cared for way better than I was doing for the past year and a half. Mostly because I didn't know what I was doing. The owners are both nurses, he is an RN and she is an LPN. The cost is $6300 for 24/7 care. They feed her, bathe her, medicate, dress her, toilet her, and care for her. They launder her clothes, change the bedding, groom her, and even paint her fingernails. It is more money than I make, but I am using up her retirement funds to help pay. I figure we are good for 2 more years, after that I have no idea what will happen. My plan is to just go on and not worry about anything until there is something to worry about. Today is good, tomorrow will be tomorrow. That sounds like a wonderful place. Around here assisted living costs around $7,000 per month and then if you need help with toileting, bathing, dressing it’s additional. Once you need total care you’re looking at 10-12 thousand a month. You don't want Assisted Living, instead look up "Adult Family Home". Here in WA they are limited to 6 adults, and everything is included in the $6300 I pay.
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Post by don on Feb 4, 2023 23:57:36 GMT
My mother is 92, legally deaf but refuses to wearing her hearing aids and has been on dialysis for the past 3 months. She will not go into assisted living. We have a caregiver come to help out a couple times a week. Honestly, she needs to be in assisted living. Either my sister or I have to call multiple times a day to make sure she is up and ready for her transportation to dialysis, is eating, etc. Prior to going on dialysis I spoke with her doctor and dialysis social worker and told them I didn't think she was capable of following through with it. But she insisted, so here we are. In the past month I have decided to stop calling multiple times a day to remind her of things. If she isn't ready for the dialysis van, then she will have to miss dialysis. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. If she doesn't take meds, she doesn't take meds. I have my hands full taking care of my autistic sons and I live 1,000 miles away. It was beginning to impact the level of care I was providing my sons. It came down to providing quality care to the 2 young people in my home, who hopefully have decades of a quality life ahead of them over someone who might have months to live. It's sad, because I love my mother and don't want her to suffer. But she refuses (or more likely incapable) of accepting her declining health. It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less. I placed my wife in a Family Home 3 weeks ago. I still feel terrible about it. They said just let us sit her down and you can leave. The look on her face as I left pained me for the 2 weeks they said I should wait to see her while she adjusted to the home. I had to pull over on the way home to let the tears go as I was in no condition to drive. I still feel like I dumped her there, and I also feel ashamed because I failed her as her husband, as she was all I had to care for. My head tells me she is in a far better situation, as they take very good care of her. My heart tells me this is all wrong.
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Post by sunny1016 on Feb 5, 2023 1:19:27 GMT
I am in this situation right now. My mother lives in a retirement building. (her own apartment-no help). She is declining pretty quickly. She thinks there is this 30 yr old man coming into her apartment. He steals her clothes, her food, her dishes, her shoes... He physically beats her and "touches" her in her sleep. She flips out if we try to point out there is no way in her apartment. She had me install cameras. I see everything. She blocks the doors with chairs. Even her closet door where there is no opening. She walks around screaming obscenities at him. She sleeps for maybe an hour at a time and doesn't sit still at all. She literally moves every minute! And when I have mentioned her staying here she said he would find her here. Not that it would even work. I have no room for her. She said she would kill herself if I ever tried to take her anywhere. The dr's said my only option would be if she tried to hurt herself (by accident or on purpose) or someone else. And then I don't even know what would happen. She has no money. And I certainly don't have upwards of 6 grand. It's all horrible. And its all on me. I buy her groceries and she throws everything away because she says he touches it. Then when I tell her I can't shop for her every few days she will be out of money, she calls my sister and tells her shes hungry. It's all so horrible. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everyone on here has my sympathy.
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Post by epeanymous on Feb 5, 2023 1:24:15 GMT
It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less. I placed my wife in a Family Home 3 weeks ago. I still feel terrible about it. They said just let us sit her down and you can leave. The look on her face as I left pained me for the 2 weeks they said I should wait to see her while she adjusted to the home. I had to pull over on the way home to let the tears go as I was in no condition to drive. I still feel like I dumped her there, and I also feel ashamed because I failed her as her husband, as she was all I had to care for. My head tells me she is in a far better situation, as they take very good care of her. My heart tells me this is all wrong. I hope you find peace. You are doing what is best for both of you. I have watched so many people in our families try to care for loved ones at home at the expense of their own physical and mental health.
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froggyscraps
Full Member
Posts: 171
Jun 26, 2014 0:43:39 GMT
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Post by froggyscraps on Feb 5, 2023 1:44:54 GMT
I just wish things could be different for end of life care. Sometimes I feel like animals get treated more humanely at end of life than some humans. It's something everyone will have to face unfortunately and there should be better ways of handling it. I don't have any suggestions, I just hope improvements come when it's my time. I don't want anyone to have to feel the guilt I've felt when making decisions and trying to handle it with my family members that have passed on. My brain fog isn't letting me say all this, how I'd like to, but hopefully everyone gets my point.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 5, 2023 1:58:10 GMT
It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less. I placed my wife in a Family Home 3 weeks ago. I still feel terrible about it. They said just let us sit her down and you can leave. The look on her face as I left pained me for the 2 weeks they said I should wait to see her while she adjusted to the home. I had to pull over on the way home to let the tears go as I was in no condition to drive. I still feel like I dumped her there, and I also feel ashamed because I failed her as her husband, as she was all I had to care for. My head tells me she is in a far better situation, as they take very good care of her. My heart tells me this is all wrong. You were not wrong to place her when and where you did. Sounds like she is in good hands where someone can monitor her 24/7 and keep her safe which is what she needs right now. The other thing she needs is for YOU to stay healthy and sane, and that’s what her being in the family home does for YOU, so you can continue to be her loving husband. So many times when someone is in your situation and tries to do it all, their own health suffers greatly and then they’re not able to care for themself or anyone else.
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Post by librarylady on Feb 5, 2023 2:02:09 GMT
It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less. I placed my wife in a Family Home 3 weeks ago. I still feel terrible about it. They said just let us sit her down and you can leave. The look on her face as I left pained me for the 2 weeks they said I should wait to see her while she adjusted to the home. I had to pull over on the way home to let the tears go as I was in no condition to drive. I still feel like I dumped her there, and I also feel ashamed because I failed her as her husband, as she was all I had to care for. My head tells me she is in a far better situation, as they take very good care of her. My heart tells me this is all wrong. Don, please know and accept that you have done the right thing. Your wife has the care she needs--care that would be impossible for you to do. You have done the most loving thing a spouse could do. I send you a hug of comfort for a very difficult situation.
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Post by Linda on Feb 5, 2023 4:11:09 GMT
I am in this situation right now. My mother lives in a retirement building. (her own apartment-no help). She is declining pretty quickly. She thinks there is this 30 yr old man coming into her apartment. He steals her clothes, her food, her dishes, her shoes... He physically beats her and "touches" her in her sleep. She flips out if we try to point out there is no way in her apartment. She had me install cameras. I see everything. She blocks the doors with chairs. Even her closet door where there is no opening. She walks around screaming obscenities at him. She sleeps for maybe an hour at a time and doesn't sit still at all. She literally moves every minute! And when I have mentioned her staying here she said he would find her here. Not that it would even work. I have no room for her. She said she would kill herself if I ever tried to take her anywhere. The dr's said my only option would be if she tried to hurt herself (by accident or on purpose) or someone else. And then I don't even know what would happen. She has no money. And I certainly don't have upwards of 6 grand. It's all horrible. And its all on me. I buy her groceries and she throws everything away because she says he touches it. Then when I tell her I can't shop for her every few days she will be out of money, she calls my sister and tells her shes hungry. It's all so horrible. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everyone on here has my sympathy. please have her evaluated for dementia - paranoia is a symptom. My mum would hide stuff to protect it (and then couldn't find it), turned out she also barricaded her bedroom door at night. It was a sign that her dementia was more advanced than we thought. www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions((((Hugs))) and prayers.
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Post by mom on Feb 5, 2023 4:23:19 GMT
It is sad, and I feel this 10000000% bc it makes you, the child, feel like the villian. Please know you did the best you could, and facing that truth is so, so hard, but that doesn't mean your efforts or your love mean any less. I placed my wife in a Family Home 3 weeks ago. I still feel terrible about it. They said just let us sit her down and you can leave. The look on her face as I left pained me for the 2 weeks they said I should wait to see her while she adjusted to the home. I had to pull over on the way home to let the tears go as I was in no condition to drive. I still feel like I dumped her there, and I also feel ashamed because I failed her as her husband, as she was all I had to care for. My head tells me she is in a far better situation, as they take very good care of her. My heart tells me this is all wrong. Don, you have done the absolute best and loving thing for your wife. Do not feel ashamed. You made a very loving choice for her so she could get the best care available. You have honored her by getting her a wonderful place to live that can attend to her needs in ways that you could not. Hold your head high, my friend. I pray that when I need help that my DH will do as you have done.
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Post by elaine on Feb 5, 2023 4:33:49 GMT
I am in this situation right now. My mother lives in a retirement building. (her own apartment-no help). She is declining pretty quickly. She thinks there is this 30 yr old man coming into her apartment. He steals her clothes, her food, her dishes, her shoes... He physically beats her and "touches" her in her sleep. She flips out if we try to point out there is no way in her apartment. She had me install cameras. I see everything. She blocks the doors with chairs. Even her closet door where there is no opening. She walks around screaming obscenities at him. She sleeps for maybe an hour at a time and doesn't sit still at all. She literally moves every minute! And when I have mentioned her staying here she said he would find her here. Not that it would even work. I have no room for her. She said she would kill herself if I ever tried to take her anywhere. The dr's said my only option would be if she tried to hurt herself (by accident or on purpose) or someone else. And then I don't even know what would happen. She has no money. And I certainly don't have upwards of 6 grand. It's all horrible. And its all on me. I buy her groceries and she throws everything away because she says he touches it. Then when I tell her I can't shop for her every few days she will be out of money, she calls my sister and tells her shes hungry. It's all so horrible. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everyone on here has my sympathy. please have her evaluated for dementia - paranoia is a symptom. My mum would hide stuff to protect it (and then couldn't find it), turned out she also barricaded her bedroom door at night. It was a sign that her dementia was more advanced than we thought. www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions((((Hugs))) and prayers. Yes. This exact type of paranoia was a symptom of my MIL’s Alzheimer’s. Complete with blocking the doors with chairs. She started sleeping downstairs on the sofa so she could better hear the people trying to break into her car (before we sold it) and the house. We, like so many others, were only able to move her into memory care after she fell and broke her ankle bad enough to require surgery, a hospital stay, and rehab. There is absolutely no way that a 45+ year old can provide the 24/7 care that an elderly parent with dementia requires. Think about the vigilance it took to safely raise toddlers. Then consider that adults can reach things toddlers can’t, that they need much less sleep per night, along with the fact that you are older and can’t live without the same amount of sleep that you did when your children were young.
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Post by mom on Feb 5, 2023 4:42:49 GMT
I am in this situation right now. My mother lives in a retirement building. (her own apartment-no help). She is declining pretty quickly. She thinks there is this 30 yr old man coming into her apartment. He steals her clothes, her food, her dishes, her shoes... He physically beats her and "touches" her in her sleep. She flips out if we try to point out there is no way in her apartment. She had me install cameras. I see everything. She blocks the doors with chairs. Even her closet door where there is no opening. She walks around screaming obscenities at him. She sleeps for maybe an hour at a time and doesn't sit still at all. She literally moves every minute! And when I have mentioned her staying here she said he would find her here. Not that it would even work. I have no room for her. She said she would kill herself if I ever tried to take her anywhere. The dr's said my only option would be if she tried to hurt herself (by accident or on purpose) or someone else. And then I don't even know what would happen. She has no money. And I certainly don't have upwards of 6 grand. It's all horrible. And its all on me. I buy her groceries and she throws everything away because she says he touches it. Then when I tell her I can't shop for her every few days she will be out of money, she calls my sister and tells her shes hungry. It's all so horrible. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everyone on here has my sympathy. I agree with the others -- please have her evaluated for Dementia. Also, please, please tell whoever is in charge of her building that she is blocking access to the door. That is so dangerous if there was a fire or if she needed medical assistance.
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Post by sunny1016 on Feb 6, 2023 2:50:44 GMT
I am in this situation right now. My mother lives in a retirement building. (her own apartment-no help). She is declining pretty quickly. She thinks there is this 30 yr old man coming into her apartment. He steals her clothes, her food, her dishes, her shoes... He physically beats her and "touches" her in her sleep. She flips out if we try to point out there is no way in her apartment. She had me install cameras. I see everything. She blocks the doors with chairs. Even her closet door where there is no opening. She walks around screaming obscenities at him. She sleeps for maybe an hour at a time and doesn't sit still at all. She literally moves every minute! And when I have mentioned her staying here she said he would find her here. Not that it would even work. I have no room for her. She said she would kill herself if I ever tried to take her anywhere. The dr's said my only option would be if she tried to hurt herself (by accident or on purpose) or someone else. And then I don't even know what would happen. She has no money. And I certainly don't have upwards of 6 grand. It's all horrible. And its all on me. I buy her groceries and she throws everything away because she says he touches it. Then when I tell her I can't shop for her every few days she will be out of money, she calls my sister and tells her shes hungry. It's all so horrible. I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everyone on here has my sympathy. I agree with the others -- please have her evaluated for Dementia. Also, please, please tell whoever is in charge of her building that she is blocking access to the door. That is so dangerous if there was a fire or if she needed medical assistance. They have said she has it. And that it was pretty advanced. Everyone is just shocked she is still able to care for herself. And for now she is. But I swear she's a little worse every day. They wanted her to take meds (for the delusions) , but she won't take anything. She thinks she is sharp as a tack. They even wanted me to try slipping them in her food. But not only can I not go to her house every night (she's not that close), there is no way I would be able to make her eat or drink something every time. So they said we just have to wait until she gets really bad. As far as the chairs. Its funny, she stacks them up and puts a soup can on top(??). But they would never stop anyone from getting in. They are super light weight and the handle is about 6 inches higher than they are. The door would just push right open. Of course she doesn't believe that. But then again, she believes he can fit in the space around the sink drain under her sink!
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Post by mom on Feb 6, 2023 2:52:40 GMT
I agree with the others -- please have her evaluated for Dementia. Also, please, please tell whoever is in charge of her building that she is blocking access to the door. That is so dangerous if there was a fire or if she needed medical assistance. They have said she has it. And that it was pretty advanced. Everyone is just shocked she is still able to care for herself. And for now she is. But I swear she's a little worse every day. They wanted her to take meds (for the delusions) , but she won't take anything. She thinks she is sharp as a tack. They even wanted me to try slipping them in her food. But not only can I not go to her house every night (she's not that close), there is no way I would be able to make her eat or drink something every time. So they said we just have to wait until she gets really bad. As far as the chairs. It's funny, she stacks them up and puts a soup can on top(??). But they would never stop anyone from getting in. They are super light weight and the handle is about 6 inches higher than they are. The door would just push right open. Of course she doesn't believe that. But then again, she believes he can fit in the space around the sink drain under her sink! I am so sorry. My granny had dementia and it was so painful watching her get worse. Big hugs to you and your family.
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Post by sunny1016 on Feb 6, 2023 3:05:18 GMT
Yes. This exact type of paranoia was a symptom of my MIL’s Alzheimer’s. Complete with blocking the doors with chairs. She started sleeping downstairs on the sofa so she could better hear the people trying to break into her car (before we sold it) and the house. We, like so many others, were only able to move her into memory care after she fell and broke her ankle bad enough to require surgery, a hospital stay, and rehab. There is absolutely no way that a 45+ year old can provide the 24/7 care that an elderly parent with dementia requires. Think about the vigilance it took to safely raise toddlers. Then consider that adults can reach things toddlers can’t, that they need much less sleep per night, along with the fact that you are older and can’t live without the same amount of sleep that you did when your children were young. Yes, to all of this! Only add a few years to that age, haha. The lack of sleep would take me out for certain. She is up ALL night.
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Post by sunny1016 on Feb 6, 2023 3:05:50 GMT
I am so sorry. My granny had dementia and it was so painful watching her get worse. Big hugs to you and your family. I am sorry too. Thank you.
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Post by needmysanity on Feb 8, 2023 21:07:11 GMT
My brother took care of our dad for 4 months after our mom passed away (she was his caregiver before her passing).
We ended up moving him to an assisted living group home because he was mean to the kids. Not intentally but due to his Alzheimer's he was combative and mean. My brother was devastated with the decision he had to make but it was best of for his family (6 kids).
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Feb 8, 2023 21:38:43 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this. My late FIL had dementia. My SIL wanted to keep him at home, but that only lasted 6 weeks before she realized it was more care than she could give, not to mention the safety issues. It's a truly hard phase of life for everyone. My daughter, who worked in a memory care facility during college, thinks he would get better care living with me. She says, Isn't that what you would want me for do you? Other family members ask if he is living with me or will be living with me. Our current arrangement gives me a lot of anxiety and sadness, and I can't imagine doing it 24/7, even if there is a part time caregiver and occasional limited help from family. Some things really jump out at me. You already spend double the time taking care of your dad than the rest of the family. Everyone in your family seems to assume that you will be the one to step up and take on his care. Please don't let your family guilt you into this. Be honest with yourself about how much care you can give and what it will do to your health and family. As for your daughter's question - is that really what you want in the future? For her to be taking care of you 100% of the time? If not, you need to make that clear to her now. Honestly, you are going to feel anxiety and sadness no matter what arrangements you make. It just goes with the territory. You need to be painfully honest with yourself - and everyone else in your family - about what you are willing to take on (both physically and mentally).
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Post by scrapmaven on Feb 9, 2023 0:56:36 GMT
No one is an island taking care of an elderly parent is very hard work. Dementia particularly makes it difficult, because at the time you think you're being gaslighted. Someone w/a bad memory can invent things in their mind and make you doubt yourself for not believing them. My fil had alz. and we had to put him into an assisted living community. In his case he stopped walking and talking. However, it's a tough call when your parent is still present. Know that many assisted living communities are pretty swanky. When we think of assisted living we often think of old people in wheelchairs, smelling of formaldahyde and staring at the walls waiting to die. There are those awful places, but there are some really nice places, too. Those places have lots of amenities and really great care. The problem is weeding out the bad places. Also, the super nice places can be very pricey. At a certain point the rules change and we become the parents. It's hard work and it's very sad. If your dad was a loving, good dad then he deserves loving, good care. Having caregivers in your home 24/7 is very stressful. If you place your dad in a nice community then he can make friends and engage in the activities. He will hate it at first, but he'll learn to adapt and will have the constant care that he deserves. Sounds like he's not ready for memory care. So, he can go into a community that has a big social scene. When you're visiting these places, know that you're being sold something. So, be wary, but look around. Do the residents look healthy and happy? Are they engaged in activities or are they bored? Is there music and life? Really look at the staff. Are they friendly and active or do they seem bored and stressed? Read reviews. Talk to family members that are visiting their loved one. There are many ways to check out a community. When we put my mil in an independent living community she hated it, but learned to adapt and found herself quite comfortable. Later we had to move her to assisted living, but we found a place that was really nice. Also, look for a place that has memory care attached, so that if he needs it he can transition a bit more easily. Good luck. I'm just coming out of this, as my mil died in December. I can honestly say that I gave her the best care available and I don't regret one second of my decisions. Most importantly, caretaker, take care of yourself first.
don, this situation is still so new for you that I'm sure that you're wracked w/guilt. Please know that you did the absolute best and kindest thing for your wife. You're a great husband and you had to make a tough choice that was best for both of you. In time, I hope that you will be able to take breaks and do things that you used to enjoy. Again, caretaker, take care of yourself first!!!!!!
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Feb 9, 2023 21:43:59 GMT
As an RN, I worked at both a nursing home, an adult family home, and visited and was familiar with dementia units. There is no good answer here. If his germaphobia is an issue at his own home, it will be SO much worse at any of these facilities. Yes, dementia needs expert care. Sadly, that won't be received at any of these facilities. I can't go into the details right now as I'm in pain (shoulder), but I believe I addressed this fairly recently... you may want to check my threads. Or PM me. I wish there was a good option; there just isn't. The owners put on a good show, but I've seen behind the curtain. I myself have dementia and plan to kill myself before I need more care than my family can provide.
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