Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2023 13:01:24 GMT
First...I really, really appreciate all of your kind words for my MIL. I really was SOOO very lucky to have had her as a MIL. She never, ever treated me like I was different or not part of the family. I was very doting on her because I "understood" her. She gave her whole life to support her husband and family and once her husband was gone and her kids were busy with their own lives, she felt lonely. So whenever she would stay with us or I would visit with her, I would try and do her nails (sometimes I would pluck her eyebrows for her) or just give her that little bit of attention. Because that's all she really wanted. You just don't know how much a person has space in your life until they are no longer there. She was the glue to my husband's big crazy family.
I think most of you may remember the just unbelievable events that lead to me bringing my BIL back to Morocco. (For those that don't know, my BIL had an anoxic brain injury that has left him permanently brain damaged and disabled). I didn't seem him until the day after MIL died when people had already started coming to the family home to pay condolences. He was sitting with the men in a tent outside of the house and I started to walk inside where the women were. I could tell he was not himself and I went and sat down beside him. I simply asked him if he was okay. He has become mostly non-verbal this last year especially. He didn't respond but all of a sudden his eyes started to water and the tears just ran down his cheeks. The youngest brother was sitting beside him and we just looked at each other not knowing what to do or say. To our knowledge, no one told him that his mother had died and we just weren't sure how he would take the news...so we just hadn't told him yet. I feel like he knows...he is aware she is gone. I mean it was my MIL and him living in the big family house, just the two of them. The brothers always had live in help to cook and clean and just help look after them. But it was my MIL that was always sitting with him, telling him to eat and sometimes even feeding him. They were just like two little birds...always sitting with each other.
This morning, DH and I had a very frank conversation about BIL. He said that he was going to get together with his brothers to talk about what to do for BIL. First you have to understand that they don't have group homes or facilities for people like BIL. They do have a few mental institutions here, but they are not places you really would want to put a loved one in. For a long time, mental illness had such a stigma in the Middle East and while it's changing, it's not at all to a standard that is good. I am the only link to help them with copying what they were doing with him in the States, prior to bringing him home. They are thinking that they can hire someone (preferably a man because he does need some assistance at times to go to the bathroom and shower) that can be with him during the weekdays. Sort of an ad hoc occupational therapy. I could have this person mimic what they were doing in the group home that he was in when we found him. BUT what happens in the evenings and the weekends. He will be in this big house, along with the live in maid.
Out of all the family, I am the person he connects with. Even though DH and he did not get along that well all the years that they were in the States together, we still would have him to the house for dinner and DH with DS, would go to visit him from time to time. I have always had a sweet relationship with him, because I just accepted him for who he was and we would just always joke around...which is exactly the same kind of relationship we have now. I was shocked but thankful that he remembered me when I was able to make the first contact after we found him. So now, he usually has been with me or MIL at big family events or get togethers. For that reason, I did mention that he could come live with us. Our house is big enough and we have an extra room that was actually for his mom when she would come to stay. BUT, the truth is that I can barely take care of myself right now. I am not even a week out from having finished radiation! My heart says YES! Bring him to live with us. But my mind AND DH are like how could we feasibly handle that?
And I completely understand that DH is looking out for me.
SIL has told the brothers to bring BIL to live with her. Well, she lives in Gaza. BIL does not have the legal documentation to even travel there. He might could get in, but he certainly would not be able to get out. And well...it's GAZA for god's sake! Not exactly the safest place to be at this particular moment. The oldest BIL said he will only support this idea if BIL gets the legal documents to travel. Even though I would miss BIL, I know that with his sister, he would not be alone. Her youngest son still lives with her and the village where they live is basically extended family as that is where DH's family came from.
The youngest BIL has not said anything about taking BIL, but his wife has. She caught me in the hallway the day before the funeral and mentioned that she was bringing BIL to life with them...and the maid. I will say this SIL in the past did some shady things, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was younger and has matured these last few years. She has really reached out and has been so caring during my whole brain tumor ordeal. She even made extra food for us for Ramadan and just dropped it off this morning. But she has two young daughters and taking on BIL is a huge commitment.
For the last year, I kept telling DH that he and his brothers needed to really think about and have a plan in place should something ever happen to their mother. He would say...we will, we will. I am sure it's something they thought about but kept thinking they would have time to come up with something.
Even though he is only my brother by marriage, I feel SOOOO responsible for him. Like he and I became forged together through that crazy journey to bring him home. But at the same time, it's not my place to make the decisions.
I feel like my posts are always these crazy novellas! I appreciate all of you peas who take the time to read and just give me space to work all of this out.
I am just at a loss on this one.
I think most of you may remember the just unbelievable events that lead to me bringing my BIL back to Morocco. (For those that don't know, my BIL had an anoxic brain injury that has left him permanently brain damaged and disabled). I didn't seem him until the day after MIL died when people had already started coming to the family home to pay condolences. He was sitting with the men in a tent outside of the house and I started to walk inside where the women were. I could tell he was not himself and I went and sat down beside him. I simply asked him if he was okay. He has become mostly non-verbal this last year especially. He didn't respond but all of a sudden his eyes started to water and the tears just ran down his cheeks. The youngest brother was sitting beside him and we just looked at each other not knowing what to do or say. To our knowledge, no one told him that his mother had died and we just weren't sure how he would take the news...so we just hadn't told him yet. I feel like he knows...he is aware she is gone. I mean it was my MIL and him living in the big family house, just the two of them. The brothers always had live in help to cook and clean and just help look after them. But it was my MIL that was always sitting with him, telling him to eat and sometimes even feeding him. They were just like two little birds...always sitting with each other.
This morning, DH and I had a very frank conversation about BIL. He said that he was going to get together with his brothers to talk about what to do for BIL. First you have to understand that they don't have group homes or facilities for people like BIL. They do have a few mental institutions here, but they are not places you really would want to put a loved one in. For a long time, mental illness had such a stigma in the Middle East and while it's changing, it's not at all to a standard that is good. I am the only link to help them with copying what they were doing with him in the States, prior to bringing him home. They are thinking that they can hire someone (preferably a man because he does need some assistance at times to go to the bathroom and shower) that can be with him during the weekdays. Sort of an ad hoc occupational therapy. I could have this person mimic what they were doing in the group home that he was in when we found him. BUT what happens in the evenings and the weekends. He will be in this big house, along with the live in maid.
Out of all the family, I am the person he connects with. Even though DH and he did not get along that well all the years that they were in the States together, we still would have him to the house for dinner and DH with DS, would go to visit him from time to time. I have always had a sweet relationship with him, because I just accepted him for who he was and we would just always joke around...which is exactly the same kind of relationship we have now. I was shocked but thankful that he remembered me when I was able to make the first contact after we found him. So now, he usually has been with me or MIL at big family events or get togethers. For that reason, I did mention that he could come live with us. Our house is big enough and we have an extra room that was actually for his mom when she would come to stay. BUT, the truth is that I can barely take care of myself right now. I am not even a week out from having finished radiation! My heart says YES! Bring him to live with us. But my mind AND DH are like how could we feasibly handle that?
And I completely understand that DH is looking out for me.SIL has told the brothers to bring BIL to live with her. Well, she lives in Gaza. BIL does not have the legal documentation to even travel there. He might could get in, but he certainly would not be able to get out. And well...it's GAZA for god's sake! Not exactly the safest place to be at this particular moment. The oldest BIL said he will only support this idea if BIL gets the legal documents to travel. Even though I would miss BIL, I know that with his sister, he would not be alone. Her youngest son still lives with her and the village where they live is basically extended family as that is where DH's family came from.
The youngest BIL has not said anything about taking BIL, but his wife has. She caught me in the hallway the day before the funeral and mentioned that she was bringing BIL to life with them...and the maid. I will say this SIL in the past did some shady things, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was younger and has matured these last few years. She has really reached out and has been so caring during my whole brain tumor ordeal. She even made extra food for us for Ramadan and just dropped it off this morning. But she has two young daughters and taking on BIL is a huge commitment.
For the last year, I kept telling DH that he and his brothers needed to really think about and have a plan in place should something ever happen to their mother. He would say...we will, we will. I am sure it's something they thought about but kept thinking they would have time to come up with something.
Even though he is only my brother by marriage, I feel SOOOO responsible for him. Like he and I became forged together through that crazy journey to bring him home. But at the same time, it's not my place to make the decisions.
I feel like my posts are always these crazy novellas! I appreciate all of you peas who take the time to read and just give me space to work all of this out.
I am just at a loss on this one.
