struggling with therapy

hmmm. gonna need more info. background on mom and husband.

Therapy/the therapist gave me some real eye-opening corrections on some self-harming assumptions I'd been making. That clarity about the truth of the situation freed me from a lot of the pain in my life.

I completely agree with you OP and that's the reason I refuse to go to therapy anymore. I did it in my teens/twenties and then decided I'm done. I'm not going to change anymore than anyone else.

While I understand that you have issues with therapy, I have to say that your attitude isn't helping. You aren't willing to give it a try. You aren't willing to be honest with yourself. You aren't honest about really wanting to change. I have had spectacular therapists and not so hot ones. If it is the therapist, then find another one but it sounds like you don't want to get better. You cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself and if you don't want to do that then therapy is not the place for you.

Sorry, that's how I feel.

Seriously, trying a couple of times doesn't mean a lot. If you went twice, they never even had a chance to get to know you. They aren't there to do the work. They are there to help YOU figure out what YOU need to do.

Sounds like you just want to be medicated but you cannot just be medicated and not try and get better.

Therapy is NOT for changing others.  Why don't people understand that?  It is to change your PERSPECTIVE and your whole outlook.  If you want to spend your life hating the neighbor down the street who stole your baby Jesus then have at it.  It does not affect their life in any way.  You are the one that has the issue, you are the one that is stewing about it.  Therapy is there to help you get past your hurt and your issues. 

You going to therapy will never change other people. It will give you the tools to cope with those unchanged people. If you are happy with the way things are now, then don't go to therapy.

If you aren't happy with things then go to therapy but realize the only one that will be changed is yourself. This isn't a matter of being "fair" or not. They aren't the ones unhappy with the current situation.

You may need to try out a few therapists to find one you can really trust and talk with. But ultimately it is about making changes to yourself. If you don't want to change that is fine (just don't expect anything in your life to change radically either) Don't underestimate ownership of tools on dealing with non communicative spouses, parents, or being empowered to walk away....

Sometimes when we are stuck between the way we are and the way other people are, it's the situation that needs to change. Have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More"? I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with relationships, even if you don't think that the relationship meets the definition of co-dependent

Are you my daughter? She doesn't want to change at all. She tells me that depression is a part of her and she wants to be who she is. She doesn't see things how they are, she sees them through the veil of depression. Here is an example: We went on a lovely family vacation a few years ago, 2 years later did again. We had hoped to be able to go every 2 years but then when the 2 year mark came again, couldn't afford it at all. A year later she asked why we hadn't gone on vacation. So I told her would couldn't afford it. She asked when we would go again. I said it could be 5 years or so - she would be around 21 or 22 at the time. She said very little then.

A few weeks later she blew up and yelled that we planned to go on a lovely family vacation without her. I asked her where she ever got that idea? She referred back to this prior conversation and said that since she would be over 18 that she wouldn't get to go with us. I told her I had NEVER said that. Her ASSUMPTION was that once she was over 18 we wouldn't pay for her to go on vacation with us. So she was furious that we would go away, her siblings would get to go because they are younger but she would miss out.

Totally her perception. Overthinking things. Mulling things over and putting negative meanings where none is intended.

If you don't want to change, that's fine. Just don't expect your life to improve. I had a conversation with her lately where I said that everyone has different views on things all the time and that is normal. What is true for one person is not true for another. If 10 different people watched a parade, they would all have different things they would notice and make comments on. If she is seeing things through this fog of depression, how she perceives things is not how they truly are. It is very real to her but it isn't the truth.

I believe your resentment about all of this is part of your depression. How to change that however.... Not a clue. You have to truly want to get better, you have to want to not think the way you are thinking. As long as some part of you likes feeling the way you feel (and let's be honest, blaming others for our own problems is much easier than realizing and believing that we ourselves are a huge part of our own problem) you won't get anything out of therapy.

I went to therapy as a teen and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. After sharing my thoughts and feelings with my psychiatrist his opinion was that it was all hormonal and recommended I have a hysterectomy (I'm disabled). I refused to ever go back. I found great help in attending 12 step groups. While the 12 steps are normally used for people with addictions they can be adapted to fit any emotional struggle. Would you feel more comfortable in maybe a group setting such as a support group for those with depression?

OP, try this little experiment.  When you next go to the grocery store (or any store) make eye contact with the other shoppers and smile pleasantly at them.  On your next trip, scowl at everyone you make eye contact with.  Notice the difference?  A lot of how you get treated depends on how you treat other people.

Now I'm not saying that you can change other people, but maybe your husband is uncommunicative because he is avoiding your negative attitude.  Just like the difference in reaction you get from others when you are smiling pleasantly vs. scowling.  Listen to yourself.  Would you want to communicate with you?

A good therapist will give you different ways to look at things and who knows?  Maybe your mom is one of those toxic people that you will eventually need to distance yourself from.

Until you can view situations and relationships with different perspectives, your world will never change.  Yes, your search for the right therapist might mean visits to several, but your negative attitude is harming your physical and mental health and relationships.

'Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake.'

No, therapy won't necessarily do these things directly... but it can help you develop different mechanisms for coping with them when they DO happen, and perhaps help to understand why the 'scripts' play out in your head the way they do. And, in the long run, if you can feel / act differently when your mom says you're a liar, or nasty (which is a horrible thing for any mom to say, by the way!)... but, if you can cope differently, then maybe you can tell her how horrible she's being. It might not change her, but it will help you to understand that those things aren't because of YOU, they're because of the OTHER person.

You need to find a counselor who's a good fit for you, and it does take time to develop a good relationship with the person, and to 're-train' the scripts in your head, but it can help some people immensely.


ETA: seeing a counselor is also good (but can be frustrating!) because they are an impartial listener... that is helpful, but also can be frustrating if only what you want is just someone to agree with your way of thinking. That's not what a counselor is there for; the impartiality is helpful because they can help you to deal with issues without becoming overly emotional about them. 

I've never been to a therapist. Maybe it would have helped me with the issues I had with my own mother but it's too late now. If the primary difficulties you are having are with your DH and mother it seems like you need coping skills. My DH doesn't communicate worth a hill of beans either. Can you try different ways to get him to open up? As for your mother I would avoid contact with a person who treated me the way she does you.