trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Dec 17, 2014 18:26:00 GMT
Update: This quote from dreamer really struck me: and it made me realize that I didn't always think I was worthless and a horrible person. I'm not sure when that change happened. But I just wanted to update and say that I've been thinking about everything that has been said here, over the past four months. I made it a goal to value myself. It's not easy, and I'm having a really really REALLY horrible time right now, so I came back here to read these reminders and advice. ------------------------------- I've tried therapy a couple of times, but honestly, have huge issues with the whole thing. I'm hoping that someone here will listen to what I have to say and honestly help me without telling me that I'm not trying or that I need therapy or help or whatever. My biggest issue preventing me from seeking out and keeping with therapy is that I resent it. I resent having to retrain the way I think. I don't WANT to go to the expense and time and put in all the energy to change the way I see things and the way I feel, when everyone else around me gets to keep being who they are. Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake. I honestly feel like going to therapy is just a big huge LIE. Retraining my brain to think I'm worthwhile and happy and things are good, is just stupid, because they aren't. It's easy to say that I'm the owner of my own happiness, but I don't want a stupid fake happiness that is just a big lie. So, I'm sure that all of these feelings about therapy is just part of my depression, but even when I'm successfully medicated I still feel the same way. I hate the exercises. I hate feeling like I need to trick my brain into seeing things the way they aren't. If you've ever felt this way about therapy, did you change your mind? What helped?
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,640
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Dec 17, 2014 18:39:32 GMT
Therapy did zero for me. I can tell you, though, that nothing, not even therapy, is going to make other people change who they are. It's meant to change your reaction to who they are and how they treat you. Maybe even to give you the courage to walk away.
What helped me was just concentrating on what I wanted and making myself do something for myself. It wasn't until I finished school that I finally felt worthy. But it could be anything for you. What do YOU want? Can you achieve it if you stay in your relationship? Plus you should understand that you do have the right to cut people out of your life. If they really are the problem.
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IPeaFreely
Full Member
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Location: Castle Frankenstein
Jun 26, 2014 8:32:27 GMT
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Post by IPeaFreely on Dec 17, 2014 18:41:12 GMT
hmmm. gonna need more info. background on mom and husband.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Dec 17, 2014 18:44:10 GMT
I changed my therapist.
Seriously, finding the RIGHT person to talk to made all the difference. I was very resistant at first because I felt like 'they' were just going to tell me what to do, but she didn't tell me anything - she listened while I talked, and occasionally pointed out things that I was saying..and I realised the answers had been inside me all along I just needed to let them out.
The things with your mom or your husband...you can't change them. And you are not responsible for other people. I don't think it's right that a therapist should be telling you to accept things and pretend that everything is rosy. But they should perhaps consider WHY you feel the way you do and give you tools to cope differently.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Dec 17, 2014 18:45:02 GMT
Therapy/the therapist gave me some real eye-opening corrections on some self-harming assumptions I'd been making. That clarity about the truth of the situation freed me from a lot of the pain in my life.
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Post by oliquig on Dec 17, 2014 18:51:15 GMT
Therapy isn't to make other people change. It's not really even to make you change. It's to give you tools and coping skills to deal with your issues. It may help you walk away, or find ways to speak your needs to people.
The first, second, or even third therapist might not be the right fit, but that doesn't mean you give up.
You know the way your family is treating you isn't right. You wouldn't treat them that way, and you deserve to have people treat you the way you treat them. Going to therapy and learning ways to speak up for yourself isn't a waste of time, and you do deserve the respect you are looking for.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 18:55:55 GMT
I completely agree with you OP and that's the reason I refuse to go to therapy anymore. I did it in my teens/twenties and then decided I'm done. I'm not going to change anymore than anyone else.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Dec 17, 2014 18:58:20 GMT
Did you share all of that with the therapist(s)? If not, I think they should know that's how you truly feel going into it. I wish you luck in finding what you need. I wish I had better advice.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,835
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Dec 17, 2014 18:58:53 GMT
While I understand that you have issues with therapy, I have to say that your attitude isn't helping. You aren't willing to give it a try. You aren't willing to be honest with yourself. You aren't honest about really wanting to change. I have had spectacular therapists and not so hot ones. If it is the therapist, then find another one but it sounds like you don't want to get better. You cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself and if you don't want to do that then therapy is not the place for you.
Sorry, that's how I feel.
Seriously, trying a couple of times doesn't mean a lot. If you went twice, they never even had a chance to get to know you. They aren't there to do the work. They are there to help YOU figure out what YOU need to do.
Sounds like you just want to be medicated but you cannot just be medicated and not try and get better.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 18:58:57 GMT
My therapist provides me with different ways to think about things... different angles. It's my decision to employ that different way of thinking or not. He had also validated much of how I feel and provided insight as to why I feel the way I do. He arms me with facts, statistics, and a point of view from a professional with an extensive background. He's 70 and has been around the block a time or two to say the least.
Therapy should be difficult and uncomfortable at times. That's when growth occurs. You seem to carry a lot of bitterness and resentment. Therapy can help you process that and become more mindful of what's directly in front of you - not behind you or in the future.
Lastly, I thinks it's irresponsible for people to respond to this OP saying therapy was useless for them. This OP is depressed and in pain and needs as much help and support as she can get.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,835
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Dec 17, 2014 19:00:50 GMT
I completely agree with you OP and that's the reason I refuse to go to therapy anymore. I did it in my teens/twenties and then decided I'm done. I'm not going to change anymore than anyone else. Therapy is NOT for changing others. Why don't people understand that? It is to change your PERSPECTIVE and your whole outlook. If you want to spend your life hating the neighbor down the street who stole your baby Jesus then have at it. It does not affect their life in any way. You are the one that has the issue, you are the one that is stewing about it. Therapy is there to help you get past your hurt and your issues.
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,835
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Dec 17, 2014 19:01:44 GMT
My therapist provides me with different ways to think about things... different angles. It's my decision to employ that different way of thinking or not. He had also validated much of how I feel and provided insight as to why I feel the way I do. He arms me with facts, statistics, and a point of view from a professional with an extensive background. He's 70 and has been around the block a time or two to say the least. Therapy should be difficult and uncomfortable at times. That's when growth occurs. You seem to carry a lot of bitterness and resentment. Therapy can help you process that and become more mindful of what's directly in front of you - not behind you or in the future. Lastly, I thinks it's irresponsible for people to respond to this OP saying therapy was useless for them. This OP is depressed and in pain and needs as much help and support as she can get.
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trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Dec 17, 2014 19:02:28 GMT
Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I am reading them and thinking about what each of you is saying.
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trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Dec 17, 2014 19:03:11 GMT
peppermintpatty, your replies here are exactly what I don't need to hear and are very hurtful.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 19:03:46 GMT
You going to therapy will never change other people. It will give you the tools to cope with those unchanged people. If you are happy with the way things are now, then don't go to therapy.
If you aren't happy with things then go to therapy but realize the only one that will be changed is yourself. This isn't a matter of being "fair" or not. They aren't the ones unhappy with the current situation.
You may need to try out a few therapists to find one you can really trust and talk with. But ultimately it is about making changes to yourself. If you don't want to change that is fine (just don't expect anything in your life to change radically either) Don't underestimate ownership of tools on dealing with non communicative spouses, parents, or being empowered to walk away....
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 19:06:44 GMT
peppermintpatty, your replies here are exactly what I don't need to hear and are very hurtful. Peppermintpatty is EXACTLY what you DO need to hear. Yes, it hurts. But it is the honest, bedrock truth.
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,253
Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Dec 17, 2014 19:10:59 GMT
Sometimes when we are stuck between the way we are and the way other people are, it's the situation that needs to change. Have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More"? I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with relationships, even if you don't think that the relationship meets the definition of co-dependent
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Deleted
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Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 19:11:06 GMT
OP I wanted to add that perhaps you could incorporate a milder, more private form of self therapy by getting one of those question per day books. "Why am I impressive", "What do I do very well", etc. They are questions you can ponder each day and maybe you'll eventually find yourself ready to embrace a more formal form of therapy.
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Post by delilahtwo on Dec 17, 2014 19:12:39 GMT
Are you my daughter? She doesn't want to change at all. She tells me that depression is a part of her and she wants to be who she is. She doesn't see things how they are, she sees them through the veil of depression. Here is an example: We went on a lovely family vacation a few years ago, 2 years later did again. We had hoped to be able to go every 2 years but then when the 2 year mark came again, couldn't afford it at all. A year later she asked why we hadn't gone on vacation. So I told her would couldn't afford it. She asked when we would go again. I said it could be 5 years or so - she would be around 21 or 22 at the time. She said very little then.
A few weeks later she blew up and yelled that we planned to go on a lovely family vacation without her. I asked her where she ever got that idea? She referred back to this prior conversation and said that since she would be over 18 that she wouldn't get to go with us. I told her I had NEVER said that. Her ASSUMPTION was that once she was over 18 we wouldn't pay for her to go on vacation with us. So she was furious that we would go away, her siblings would get to go because they are younger but she would miss out.
Totally her perception. Overthinking things. Mulling things over and putting negative meanings where none is intended.
If you don't want to change, that's fine. Just don't expect your life to improve. I had a conversation with her lately where I said that everyone has different views on things all the time and that is normal. What is true for one person is not true for another. If 10 different people watched a parade, they would all have different things they would notice and make comments on. If she is seeing things through this fog of depression, how she perceives things is not how they truly are. It is very real to her but it isn't the truth.
I believe your resentment about all of this is part of your depression. How to change that however.... Not a clue. You have to truly want to get better, you have to want to not think the way you are thinking. As long as some part of you likes feeling the way you feel (and let's be honest, blaming others for our own problems is much easier than realizing and believing that we ourselves are a huge part of our own problem) you won't get anything out of therapy.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Dec 17, 2014 19:13:18 GMT
Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake. You're completely right about these things, but...what therapy can (and will do if you engage in it fully) is help your perspective which will give you the ability to better deal with these difficult issues in your life. Imagine having the ability to not take your mother's nasty comments personally. It can happen! You can come to fully understand and embrace the idea that you have nothing to do with what she says or does (even if you are her topic du jour) and by doing so absolutely KNOW that you did nothing to elicit her remarks/actions. They're not your fault in any way but simply a by-product of her and her own unhappy life. By releasing yourself from accepting what she says as your truth, you can then keep it from hurting you. She is unhappy and caustic because of her, not you. Also, you can learn new tools and new ways of communicating with your DH that he WILL respond to. Developing new ways of thinking is a process and a good therapist can really assist you with it. In the end, you will have a much better tool set to work from and a more solid perspective in which to view your world. These things will both assist and protect you. Yes...therapy can do wonders, but only if you let it. Also, if you aren't really connecting with your therapist, find one you can connect with. THAT is paramount to good therapy.
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Dec 17, 2014 19:21:30 GMT
I went to therapy as a teen and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. After sharing my thoughts and feelings with my psychiatrist his opinion was that it was all hormonal and recommended I have a hysterectomy (I'm disabled). I refused to ever go back. I found great help in attending 12 step groups. While the 12 steps are normally used for people with addictions they can be adapted to fit any emotional struggle. Would you feel more comfortable in maybe a group setting such as a support group for those with depression?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 23:49:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 19:24:13 GMT
I was referred for therapy by my gp a few years ago. I said sure thinking I will get 12 sessions with my favourite therapist and I will be better.
a psych nurse calls me and says no I need group therapy. I have taken group therapy before and got nothing out of it. Ok I tell her I am not doing group therapy and that's that. Why can' I see my therapist Mary? I think you need this particular group. You realize I have dropped out of CBT 3x and DBT 2x yet you are telling me I need more DBT? I told her this is what I want and you aren't helping me.
Two days later Mary calls me and sets up an appointment. I resent psych nurses like the one who called me who doesn't know my history telling me what I need based on no information.
I got got therapy from my therapist and was better for a while and everything was good until the next time.
From reading your post, it sounds like you don't have the right therapist. Therapy while initially is difficult, eventually the goal is to make you feel better not worse. You sound like you are feeling worse. I am not suggesting you go and find a different therapist. It just sounds like the one you saw wan't the right one.
You also have to want to do therapy for it to be effective (I think anyway).
If therapy doesn't work have you tried other things like meditation, relaxation, listening to positive feeling music, talking to your BFF or anything else? I did qi gong for a while and we had to listen to this terrible sounding tape with horrendous audio. Believe it or not it helped a lot. Relaxation has been good for anxiety and pain control. Exercise has been good for making me feel like crap yo making me feel much better.
i wish you good health on your journey to feeling better. Being stuck and not getting better or relief is a horrible state to be in.
Blessings.
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Post by BeckyTech on Dec 17, 2014 19:25:09 GMT
OP, try this little experiment. When you next go to the grocery store (or any store) make eye contact with the other shoppers and smile pleasantly at them. On your next trip, scowl at everyone you make eye contact with. Notice the difference? A lot of how you get treated depends on how you treat other people.
Now I'm not saying that you can change other people, but maybe your husband is uncommunicative because he is avoiding your negative attitude. Just like the difference in reaction you get from others when you are smiling pleasantly vs. scowling. Listen to yourself. Would you want to communicate with you?
A good therapist will give you different ways to look at things and who knows? Maybe your mom is one of those toxic people that you will eventually need to distance yourself from.
Until you can view situations and relationships with different perspectives, your world will never change. Yes, your search for the right therapist might mean visits to several, but your negative attitude is harming your physical and mental health and relationships.
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 17, 2014 19:26:17 GMT
Well when you grow up in a family where your mom calls you names (among other things) and you go on to marry a man you can't communicate with, that would indicate to me that you have some things to change in order to be healthy. Why do other people get to just be who they are? Who knows. Maybe they don't care, maybe they are trying and you don't know, maybe they are already happy being miserable or making others miserable.
All you really know is that you know you need to change but you don't want to. So don't. People do what they need to do for themselves when they are motivated to do it and not before. Therapy isn't supposed to feel good. It's supposed to be uncomfortable enough that you want to change things - either the people in your life (by this I mean cutting people loose or moving on) or the way you respond to them if you keep them in your life.
If you view it as something onerous and unfair, then you will not get anything out of it. If you view it as a gift to yourself and something you want to do, then you can benefit. Think of it like losing weight. If you drag yourself to the gym, work out, then leave the gym and go right back to doing what you always do, then you won't get anywhere.
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trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Dec 17, 2014 19:26:29 GMT
Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake. You're completely right about these things, but...what therapy can (and will do if you engage in it fully) is help your perspective which will give you the ability to better deal with these difficult issues in your life. Imagine having the ability to not take your mother's nasty comments personally. It can happen! You can come to fully understand and embrace the idea that you have nothing to do with what she says or does (even if you are her topic du jour) and by doing so absolutely KNOW that you did nothing to elicit her remarks/actions. They're not your fault in any way but simply a by-product of her and her own unhappy life. By releasing yourself from accepting what she says as your truth, you can then keep it from hurting you. She is unhappy and caustic because of her, not you. Also, you can learn new tools and new ways of communicating with your DH that he WILL respond to. Developing new ways of thinking is a process and a good therapist can really assist you with it. In the end, you will have a much better tool set to work from and a more solid perspective in which to view your world. These things will both assist and protect you. Yes...therapy can do wonders, but only if you let it. Also, if you aren't really connecting with your therapist, find one you can connect with. THAT is paramount to good therapy. Thank you. I understand what you're saying is true. I really do. But I have a hard time seeing how it would ever work, when I've tried all that. How can my mother telling me that I'm nasty and a liar and whatever else, when she praises my sister continuously, NOT hurt? And these comments from her aren't a passing few in the middle of praise; I can't remember the last time she said something positive about me. When I do try to calmly stand up to her, "mom, it really hurts when you say that", "mom, it really stresses me out when you say negative things about my home", etc, she replies with great anger, and criticism, and tells me that if *I* wasn't so angry and depressed, that this wouldn't be a problem, and I should go to therapy. I think it's extra complicated, because I truly have no friends and no family other than my mom and my husband. Trying out new therapists and doctors is also absolutely excruciating for me. It causes weeks of stress. It freaks me out. I'm on anxiety medication and it really does amazing wonders (my life is SO much more comfortable!) but the whole process is honestly like torture for me. So, that just makes everything so much harder.. paying money we don't really have, trying to figure out childcare, running around trying to meet everyone's schedule to get somewhere on time, etc, when everything is already SO HARD just feels impossible at times. I know that some "helpfully honest" people will jump on this and accuse me of being difficult, not trying, etc, but what I think these people don't understand is that for some people, things that are easy for others, are really really hard for some people. It doesn't mean I'm not trying, it just means that what seems simple and easy to you, is not at all simple and easy for me.
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Post by bosoxbeth on Dec 17, 2014 19:26:52 GMT
I'm sorry you have been struggling.
If you have given it a fair and true try, you may need a different therapist. But you also must keep an open mind and remain willing to do the hard work. Just going to the therapist, even the best ones, isn't enough to improve your life. You have to want to improve your life.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 17, 2014 19:28:32 GMT
'Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake.'
No, therapy won't necessarily do these things directly... but it can help you develop different mechanisms for coping with them when they DO happen, and perhaps help to understand why the 'scripts' play out in your head the way they do. And, in the long run, if you can feel / act differently when your mom says you're a liar, or nasty (which is a horrible thing for any mom to say, by the way!)... but, if you can cope differently, then maybe you can tell her how horrible she's being. It might not change her, but it will help you to understand that those things aren't because of YOU, they're because of the OTHER person.
You need to find a counselor who's a good fit for you, and it does take time to develop a good relationship with the person, and to 're-train' the scripts in your head, but it can help some people immensely.
ETA: seeing a counselor is also good (but can be frustrating!) because they are an impartial listener... that is helpful, but also can be frustrating if only what you want is just someone to agree with your way of thinking. That's not what a counselor is there for; the impartiality is helpful because they can help you to deal with issues without becoming overly emotional about them.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Dec 17, 2014 19:30:53 GMT
Imagine having the ability to not take your mother's nasty comments personally. It can happen! You can come to fully understand and embrace the idea that you have nothing to do with what she says or does (even if you are her topic du jour) and by doing so absolutely KNOW that you did nothing to elicit her remarks/actions. They're not your fault in any way but simply a by-product of her and her own unhappy life. By releasing yourself from accepting what she says as your truth, you can then keep it from hurting you. She is unhappy and caustic because of her, not you. THIS... SO MUCH! /\ /\ Really... think about gaining that ability to see other people's garbage as untrue garbage. As if they're saying 'grass is blue and the sky is green'. You can get to that point. You can.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 17, 2014 19:31:59 GMT
I've never been to a therapist. Maybe it would have helped me with the issues I had with my own mother but it's too late now. If the primary difficulties you are having are with your DH and mother it seems like you need coping skills. My DH doesn't communicate worth a hill of beans either. Can you try different ways to get him to open up? As for your mother I would avoid contact with a person who treated me the way she does you.
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 17, 2014 19:36:55 GMT
Therapy isn't about "actions". The events you experience with your mom and your spouse are actions. Therapy helps you adjust "reactions": namely, how to better deal with things you are unable to change. Changing your responses to your mom and husband will help change your perspective towards them and about them. Sometimes it helps other people change their behavior and attitude towards you, too. (See the smile/scowl example in a post above).
The prescription meds are a good start but therapy is a very good adjunct to your medication. It's a two-step process: nothing fake or phony about that. If therapy isn't helping, maybe your therapist can help you find a better fit. Be honest with your therapist and let her know that you think it's not working, or a big lie, and see what happens from there.
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