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Post by Zee on Jul 3, 2024 3:03:55 GMT
I grew up in a household where that kind of talk absolutely was not tolerated.
I would have simply said that I don't tolerate that kind of speech or thinking, so clearly I am not going to fit into that group, and left. No loss to not have any of them as friends. Just walk out, done.
Since moving to the south I know there are people that feel this way but I have never heard anyone I am friendly with say it or anything close. I heard more crap in PA to be honest.
I do very rarely hear racist comments from old people patients who are up all night watching Fox News, but there again are some of them who seem to take being a Christian seriously. So not every old white person in the south is a raging racist.
The racist comments, I tell them we do not tolerate that or speak that way in this hospital. If it was directed at staff in an aggressive or hurtful fashion, I would call security to come have a talk with the person AND inform the provider of the abusive language. I don't play that.
I know it can be awkward to speak up when you are in a new setting with new people, so I think a calm "I can see I'm not going to fit in, I don't talk or think that way about people of other races so I'm going to leave now. Goodbye" should suffice. It invites no further conversation and it shows with your actions that you don't put up with that.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,583 
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jul 3, 2024 3:19:26 GMT
My mantra is "Silence is complicity." This is so true. AND, it's so hard to put yourself in the line of fire. As a white-appearing woman, I know I need to stand up, not stand by. I'm not great at jumping into difficult conversations on the fly, though. It sounds like you'll have the opportunity to speak up among these folks in the future, so maybe plan out some good sentences for the inevitable time? I know I've got to have some in my pocket for when people around me start racist talk or other speech I find offensive. |
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,294
Location: Colorado
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Post by snyder on Jul 3, 2024 5:06:50 GMT
Twenty-25 years or so ago, I probably wouldn't have said anything being timid and an introvert, but being a supervisor, I grew a few balls. lol I think I would have at least said, I don't understand why the color of one's skin has anything to do with being a good neighbor. I think if I lost a friend over it, so be it. They weren't meant to be my friend.
I know OP has limited opportunities to make new friends, but no friends is better than having a racist or bias friend. They will make your life miserable.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,799
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jul 3, 2024 5:59:04 GMT
I'm a Southerner & introvert who is respectful of others/their opinions, believes in free speech, &, like AussieMeg , contends "silence is complicity." I've never been so desperate to fit in or self-concerned NOT to speak up in these situations (even if I'm the first or only one). I probably would have commented, "Sadly, it appears I'm in the minority here because I welcome & encourage diversity in our neighborhood and do not condone hate." Then, I would politely pay, leave, & reconsider my new "couple" friends (especially if the wife was the person who invited me to this group outing &/or she was silently complicit after I spoke out against it). |
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Post by peasapie on Jul 3, 2024 11:08:30 GMT
I honestly don’t think I could live in an area of the country like that. My friends are important to me, and I’d feel isolated there. I would have to move to a place (like where I live now) where at least half my neighbors are in my corner. Life is too darned short.
Also, saying something to a group like this would do nothing.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 3, 2024 11:08:55 GMT
I have a big mouth and I would not have said anything. I think that I might have excused myself and left. You have to be careful around those MAGA types; some of them are nuts.
ETA: I very politely asked a MAGA neighbor guy if he thought that burning branches was a good idea in a drought; it’s against the law here, but people do it. I was very careful to be nice.
Every week after that, until he moved, I found a bag of dog shit in the bottom of my trash after it had been emptied. Some of these folks just aren’t right in the head.
Small thing, I know. But still…We weren’t even discussing politics. He did say-for some reason-that he was a Trumper, which I found strange, since I hadn’t asked.
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peppermintpatty
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jul 3, 2024 11:14:26 GMT
I wouldn't have said anything but I would have found a way or time to excuse myself and say that I needed to leave. I have no tolerance for that crap. I wouldn't have anything to do with those women.
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Post by jill8909 on Jul 3, 2024 11:18:20 GMT
Such thoughtful responses. I do live in a very red angry part of Texas.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jul 3, 2024 11:52:25 GMT
I grew up in a pretty racist time, neighborhood, and home environment. I am not that person. Working with kids of so many races really helped me see that people are not colors, they are humans. I love that, and that would be something I'd keep in my back pocket if I ever needed something quick again. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 3, 2024 12:23:13 GMT
I honestly don’t think I could live in an area of the country like that. My friends are important to me, and I’d feel isolated there. I would have to move to a place (like where I live now) where at least half my neighbors are in my corner. Life is too darned short. Also, saying something to a group like this would do nothing. Me either and it's actually something my husband and I have discussed when talking about retirement. Good friends moved last year to an area where they're having a really tough time finding friends - and the wife is incredibly outgoing. I love, love our neighborhood. House is probably impractical for empty nesters, but not sure I'm willing to risk moving somewhere else. |
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Post by worrywart on Jul 3, 2024 13:06:56 GMT
Twenty-25 years or so ago, I probably wouldn't have said anything being timid and an introvert, but being a supervisor, I grew a few balls. lol I think I would have at least said, I don't understand why the color of one's skin has anything to do with being a good neighbor. I think if I lost a friend over it, so be it. They weren't meant to be my friend.
I know OP has limited opportunities to make new friends, but no friends is better than having a racist or bias friend. They will make your life miserable.
This is a great way to address it - just ask 'In what way does someone's skin color have anything to do with being a good neighbor?' I'd love to see the response to that (if any). Also, I'm not sure what part of Texas you are in but there are SO many normal people here who don't have those types of views. I know Texas gets a bad rap (deservedly) for it's politics but there are millions of wonderful people here who believe in human rights and decency. Did anyone agree with this person or was it awkward when she said it? Maybe the person who spouted this was the only one who felt that way and the others were shocked as you were? |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 3, 2024 13:15:16 GMT
Twenty-25 years or so ago, I probably wouldn't have said anything being timid and an introvert, but being a supervisor, I grew a few balls. lol I think I would have at least said, I don't understand why the color of one's skin has anything to do with being a good neighbor. I think if I lost a friend over it, so be it. They weren't meant to be my friend.
I know OP has limited opportunities to make new friends, but no friends is better than having a racist or bias friend. They will make your life miserable.
This is a great way to address it - just ask 'In what way does someone's skin color have anything to do with being a good neighbor?' I'd love to see the response to that (if any). Also, I'm not sure what part of Texas you are in but there are SO many normal people here who don't have those types of views. I know Texas gets a bad rap (deservedly) for it's politics but there are millions of wonderful people here who believe in human rights and decency. Did anyone agree with this person or was it awkward when she said it? Maybe the person who spouted this was the only one who felt that way and the others were shocked as you were? Playing dumb is always a good way to get these people to squirm a bit: "Hm, how so?" or "Tell me more about that" and then they have to back up their assertions. And then you respond with "I've just never found that to be the case." You're not going to change these people's minds, but you just might make them have to defend their disgusting opinions. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 3, 2024 14:47:33 GMT
I understand the fear of speaking out when in a new social group and trying to make friends. I think you need to keep looking, these are not your people. I have lived all over the world, and racism isn't contained to the south or the US. You cannot always choose where you live, you can only decide who you socialize with.
As an aside, most of us peas are approaching or at retirement age. We've had quite a few posts on where to retire. I always comment that making friends in a new location after retirement is hard. Unless you move to a retirement community, most of your neighbors are going to be at work. They will already have established friendships or are at different stages of life (consumed with work and childhood activities). You really need to figure out how that is going to work for you moving to a new place with no contacts or roots.
I hope you find your people soon. Don't give up, it took me quite a while to find friends outside of work when we moved here when I was 40.
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Post by smasonnc on Jul 3, 2024 14:58:16 GMT
I grew up in a household where that kind of talk absolutely was not tolerated. Me, too. My grandmother taught adult ed in the early '60s. She tossed a guy out of her class for using the "n" word and was still apoplectic about it when she got home. Another time, shortly after I moved to the South, I saw a water fountain marked, "Colored." When I asked what it was, she said, "It's a disgrace is what it is." If I'm mouthy, I come by it honestly. |
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scrapngranny
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Only slightly senile
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 3, 2024 15:32:37 GMT
Sometimes saying nothing speaks louder than anything you could have said. I wouldn’t have said anything either. I have a feeling they got your message.
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Post by smasonnc on Jul 3, 2024 20:48:54 GMT
I asked DD about it and she said, "Mom, you wouldn't have had to say a word. You can't shut down your face." 😂
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maryannscraps
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Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Jul 3, 2024 21:02:13 GMT
I honestly don’t think I could live in an area of the country like that. My friends are important to me, and I’d feel isolated there. I would have to move to a place (like where I live now) where at least half my neighbors are in my corner. Life is too darned short. Also, saying something to a group like this would do nothing. If you think there aren’t people like that where you live, then you’re wrong. I live in ultra-blue Massachusetts and I’ve heard plenty of conversations just like that. One of my neighbors (who was a really ass) told me that he’d fucked us all over by selling to a black family. I thanked him for moving out, and the new neighbors are just lovely and friendly. He thought our house prices would fall, but that sure didn’t happen. |
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jayfab
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Post by jayfab on Jul 4, 2024 2:08:37 GMT
Look on social media to see if your town or county has a Democratic group that you could be involved with. I'd like to say I would have done differently. The fact is that I have deliberately surrounded myself with people who wouldn't think like that, because I have that privilege. In redder parts of Texas I'd honestly be afraid of getting death threats or other nasty surprises if it was known I'm a liberal. We used to think we'd retire to the Hill Country here, but now I couldn't do it. Same here but in Michigan. I don't know one sane republican, they are all full blown cultist trumpers now. Clothes, flags and boat parades. Well I haven't seen a parade in a while, but soon since it's summer. And they are nra nutbags and I am actually scared of them. As to the op, I don't know what I would have said, if anything. But I think my face would show what I'm thinking. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Jul 4, 2024 2:26:12 GMT
There are a lot of variables I would have to consider before choosing how to respond. How safe is your area? What are the ramifications of them discovering you are not one of them? It's not just a social issue, when you are one in a group (especially considering the viewpoints these kinds of people have) and can be easily overpowered I'm just not sure it's worth the risk of speaking up. What I probably would have done in your situation is mentioned how uncomfortable it made me the next time you see the friend 1 on 1. Give her a chance to respond since she was also quiet. You don't have to see any of the other women again but I think it's worth speaking to the 1 woman about.
In my life, when I encounter racism or bigotry, I usually make some kind of sarcastic remark which lets people know I don't agree with them and then the subject is changed. Or, if I know the people better, I'll call them out a bit and try to have an actual discussion. But I can do that because I know that in my area no one is going to try to run me off the road or pull a gun on me for not sharing their views. One (white) person I spent a lot of time with casually threw out the N word one day. I was actually shocked and had this moment of thinking "that did not just happen..." We had an in depth discussion about why that is not ok. They disagreed with me because in their country it is not as big of a social faux pas to use that word, but they agreed that out of respect for me, they would not use the word around me since it made me uncomfortable. I told them that really wasn't good enough but I appreciated that they would make the effort and encouraged them to understand WHY that word is an issue here in the US. Years went by and one day I was around the person again and they actually brought up to me that they understood why they shouldn't have said that word and that it took them a while but they were now embarassed to have been someone that used it freely. I was glad that even though it wasn't an overnight change my words had an impact on someone and caused them to self reflect and grow.
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Judy26
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 4, 2024 2:33:52 GMT
One of the best responses I’ve heard in this type of situation is to ask in a nonjudgmental tone “ I’m confused. Why do you feel this way?” Usually you either get silence or a generic answer. So then respond again with “I’m sorry but I still don’t understand. Why do YOU feel this way?” By this time they will backpedal. And then you reply with “Oh good. For a moment there I thought you were a racist. I’m so glad to know I was wrong!”
A friend of mine used this tactic on a client and it worked like a charm to get the point across that she wasn’t having it without causing a scene.
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Post by jill8909 on Jul 5, 2024 0:15:58 GMT
One of the best responses I’ve heard in this type of situation is to ask in a nonjudgmental tone “ I’m confused. Why do you feel this way?” Usually you either get silence or a generic answer. So then respond again with “I’m sorry but I still don’t understand. Why do YOU feel this way?” By this time they will backpedal. And then you reply with “Oh good. For a moment there I thought you were a racist. I’m so glad to know I was wrong!” A friend of mine used this tactic on a client and it worked like a charm to get the point across that she wasn’t having it without causing a scene. I like this. |
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Post by peasapie on Jul 6, 2024 22:20:00 GMT
I honestly don’t think I could live in an area of the country like that. My friends are important to me, and I’d feel isolated there. I would have to move to a place (like where I live now) where at least half my neighbors are in my corner. Life is too darned short. Also, saying something to a group like this would do nothing. If you think there aren’t people like that where you live, then you’re wrong. I live in ultra-blue Massachusetts and I’ve heard plenty of conversations just like that. One of my neighbors (who was a really ass) told me that he’d fucked us all over by selling to a black family. I thanked him for moving out, and the new neighbors are just lovely and friendly. He thought our house prices would fall, but that sure didn’t happen. I think you misunderstood. I didn’t say there were no people like that where I live. I said “at least half were in my corner”. |
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maryannscraps
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Aug 28, 2017 12:51:28 GMT
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Post by maryannscraps on Jul 6, 2024 22:24:33 GMT
If you think there aren’t people like that where you live, then you’re wrong. I live in ultra-blue Massachusetts and I’ve heard plenty of conversations just like that. One of my neighbors (who was a really ass) told me that he’d fucked us all over by selling to a black family. I thanked him for moving out, and the new neighbors are just lovely and friendly. He thought our house prices would fall, but that sure didn’t happen. I think you misunderstood. I didn’t say there were no people like that where I live. I said “at least half were in my corner”. Sorry about that. |
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