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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2024 20:19:16 GMT
A comment I've read is that when we use the word "help" in the context of household chose it implies that the work belongs to someone else/us vs to both spouses. I've also heard that instead of acknowledging/praising the other person for "helping" try acknowledging/praising "noticing" that something needed to be done. As a SAHM it is an interesting balance for sure. 🤪 I feel like if you're a SAHM, that is literally your job, taking care of the home (and kids if you have any at home). I think it's unfair to expect your spouse to have to do all that when they also have a job. I felt this way when I took a couple years off work and I feel the same when I'm only part time. That said, I don't want to be eternally picking up after someone that won't lift a finger to do anything or someone who EXPECTS me to wait on them hand and foot. There needs to be mutual respect there for sure. Whatever I do, I'm doing it willingly. If it becomes grudgingly, then we're having a conversation. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Oct 4, 2024 20:28:14 GMT
OMG, could you imagine the amount of stickers would be used if we made our own chart!?! ha! i would probably deplete my stash.  |
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,734 
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Oct 4, 2024 20:33:12 GMT
A comment I've read is that when we use the word "help" in the context of household chose it implies that the work belongs to someone else/us vs to both spouses. I've also heard that instead of acknowledging/praising the other person for "helping" try acknowledging/praising "noticing" that something needed to be done. As a SAHM it is an interesting balance for sure. 🤪 I feel like if you're a SAHM, that is literally your job, taking care of the home (and kids if you have any at home). I think it's unfair to expect your spouse to have to do all that when they also have a job. I felt this way when I took a couple years off work and I feel the same when I'm only part time. That said, I don't want to be eternally picking up after someone that won't lift a finger to do anything or someone who EXPECTS me to wait on them hand and foot. There needs to be mutual respect there for sure. Whatever I do, I'm doing it willingly. If it becomes grudgingly, then we're having a conversation. We both share home responsibilities. My version of "stay at home" is not a lot of time at home due to lots of volunteer positions, minimal substituting and other activities, plus running the kids around. While there's a lot that I do because I have the time more than DH does I don't do it all and he doesn't expect me to do it all. Taking care of our home is still a partnership and it works for us. |
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Post by Zee on Oct 4, 2024 20:52:21 GMT
I feel like if you're a SAHM, that is literally your job, taking care of the home (and kids if you have any at home). I think it's unfair to expect your spouse to have to do all that when they also have a job. I felt this way when I took a couple years off work and I feel the same when I'm only part time. That said, I don't want to be eternally picking up after someone that won't lift a finger to do anything or someone who EXPECTS me to wait on them hand and foot. There needs to be mutual respect there for sure. Whatever I do, I'm doing it willingly. If it becomes grudgingly, then we're having a conversation. We both share home responsibilities. My version of "stay at home" is not a lot of time at home due to lots of volunteer positions, minimal substituting and other activities, plus running the kids around. While there's a lot that I do because I have the time more than DH does I don't do it all and he doesn't expect me to do it all. Taking care of our home is still a partnership and it works for us. Yes, I definitely wasn't trying to say you're doing it wrong. You do what works for you. But I do think a SAHM should expect to be doing the lion's share of household chores and responsibilities. I know pretty much everyone here would support us in the opinion that if we're working full time, our stay at home partner should be making themself useful by cleaning and running errands and all that unless they're physically unable. It's a partnership. They shouldn't make it harder on you by expecting maid service but I'd be pretty resentful if I was working full time and supporting someone financially who wasn't employed but also expected me to do half of everything at home. |
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Post by mom on Oct 4, 2024 21:40:42 GMT
but it is making me laugh. (backstory) I got home from picking up our youngest from school and then prepared dinner (that I wasn't even eating). DH came into the kitchen and offered to help, but had already been sitting on the sofa scrolling on his phone when I got home from pick up. I said "no, thank you, I've got it now." He got kinda huffy and said something and I just responded "I appreciate it, but it would've been really helpful would've been before I got home." He left, then proceeded to wait for me to finish getting my own dinner ready. He kept asking me "are you almost done" to which I kept saying "almost" or "please eat without me". The part I'm being petty about was when he looks at me and goes "did you notice I took out the trash?" Me: "yes....?" DH: "well, you didn't thank me..." Me: *laugh* "I didn't realize I needed to thank you every time you took out the trash?" We left it at that, but it stuck in my head. We've been together for over 20 years and we both do things to keep our household running. Well, this morning I decided to "reward" him every time he does something. He took the trash out to the curb and when he came in, I gave him a "good job" sticker from my stash. He put gas in the car, so I put another sticker on his laptop when he starts work. The eye rolls I'm getting have me cackling. Anybody else care to contribute? Oh thats hilarious! You should make him a chart to keep track of his gold stars! LOL Just let him find it hanging up somewhere, and gold stars on it like you'd do for a kid. |
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Post by mom on Oct 4, 2024 21:42:42 GMT
We have this same issue in our house. When Jeremy points out what he's done expecting praise I always say, I'll start the parade. And sometimes he just looks at me and says, where's my parade? LOL! It's a way to lighten up what can be a very frustrating issue. The parade comment will be next. I am currently considering a sticker chart for him... I do have lots of supplies to use! >.< Ha! I hadn't read through the whole post when I posted my last suggestion! I still think a chore chart would be awesome, but as a reward for your hard work on the chart, you should buy you some new scrappy supplies! |
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 4, 2024 22:07:56 GMT
This is a fun/funny (but also a bit annoying) thread! dawnnikol you really need to get a sticker chart, but for both of you. That would be a perfect visual way of showing him just how much you actually do, that he hasn't been thanking you for. I bet when he sees that you have about twenty stickers for every one of his, he will feel silly about expecting praise once a week for taking out the trash. We have this same issue in our house. When Jeremy points out what he's done expecting praise I always say, I'll start the parade. And sometimes he just looks at me and says, where's my parade? LOL! It's a way to lighten up what can be a very frustrating issue. I love your parade comeback, and I love that Jeremy has turned it into an in-joke to lighten the mood. Typical B&J behaviour!  I do think a SAHM should expect to be doing the lion's share of household chores and responsibilities. Absolutely! My DSO was a SAHD from the time I went back to work when our son was 8mo, until DS started school. He did pretty much everything around the house, inside and out. He also did all of the cooking during the week - I did it on the weekends. Now that I work from home most days, I do the majority of the cooking. He cooks dinner on the days I have to go into the office. Both of us have now worked full time for 15 years. I'd like to say it's an equal split with the chores, but truth be told, he still does more than me. I'm glad he hasn't thought of a sticker chart, it would be a bit lopsided! But then again, I don't ask for thanks or recognition when I do something. Unless it's weeding. Then I want the whole damn parade! |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,940
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 4, 2024 22:32:43 GMT
My favorite is "you didn't even notice I swept out the garage." Our garage is dirty and dusty - it literally looks no different but somehow I'm supposed to fall all over myself with praise. Never have I ever uttered the words "you didn't even notice that I (fill in the blank with 8 thousand things I've done all day)"
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Gem Girl
Pearl Clutcher
......
Posts: 2,686
Jun 29, 2014 19:29:52 GMT
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Post by Gem Girl on Oct 4, 2024 22:36:53 GMT
He always thanks me for vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom or any of that. Sometimes I get suspicious that he's putting me on by praising me for cleaning something, but he seems pretty genuine. We always thank each other for daily things, because it's polite, and I really DO appreciate the things he does. Nobody is making him mow the lawn, yet it must be done. So he does it, because he's an adult and a good guy. I'm grateful for that. But, other side of the coin, they do seem to need lavish acknowledgement for taking any step beyond. I find it to be a little less than charming, and may in some future case, actually say out loud what it sometimes makes me say in my head: "Good boy, DH! Yes, I SAW you do so-and-so. Who's a good H? YOU'RE a good H! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"  |
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Post by mom on Oct 4, 2024 23:38:28 GMT
My favorite is "you didn't even notice I swept out the garage." Our garage is dirty and dusty - it literally looks no different but somehow I'm supposed to fall all over myself with praise. Never have I ever uttered the words "you didn't even notice that I (fill in the blank with 8 thousand things I've done all day)" I would totally be like 'well you didn't notice I scrubbed the toilet! Go look!'. |
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 4, 2024 23:51:05 GMT
I love some petty!
I am working to make my grandson a good partner to some lucky woman one day. Also, so his future roommates don't kill him!
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Post by smasonnc on Oct 5, 2024 7:21:54 GMT
When DH crows about something he lifted a finger for, my response is, “I’m sorry, did you say something? I’m busy with my massage and my manicure,” while I’m doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,927
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Post by CeeScraps on Oct 5, 2024 12:56:29 GMT
A chart suggestion...
Create a chart and make sure to include EVERYTHING you do on the chart. Do not divide the tasks.
Tasks across the top
Down the side your name and hubby's name
Then put stickers on what you do and what he does. (HIDE the stickers--he is liable to just add some).
That is a concrete way for him to see who does what.
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 8,556
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Oct 5, 2024 14:13:05 GMT
Thank you for commiserating with me, Peas. I'm less grumpy about it today but will keep some of the suggestions in the back of my mind. ^.^
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Post by padresfan619 on Oct 5, 2024 15:39:59 GMT
We are both pretty god about not expecting praise for doing the bare minimum of keeping a household running. We do have a running joke about one of his old roommates who would always magically appear when you were almost finished emptying the dishwasher and say “oh I was just coming out to do that!” Or “Well I would help but you’re pretty much already done and I’d just get in the way….”
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