What does it even mean to be happy?

I’ve been there. I think a lot of it for me came down to unrealistic expectations. I expected my DH to do the kinds of things for me that I do for him, and he’s just not wired that way. He’s overall a great guy, a good friend, a caring husband and father, but the dude is just NOT a detail guy when it comes to things like seeing things that need to be done (house blind) or picking out thoughtful gifts. It’s just not his thing. So I’ve learned to adjust my expectations to fit the reality of my situation, which is that if I want what I want, I have to just buy it myself, for myself (with his money, LOL) and if I need help with things I have to come right out and tell him what I need him to do. 

The same is somewhat true of my kid, she isn’t me and she isn’t being raised the way I was raised so she needs to be told things too. She’s smart as a whip and is generally wonderful so I have to couch my expectations to meet her where she is and remind myself that she didn’t spend her entire childhood cleaning the house every Saturday, etc. and she’s used to everything just being done. It’s a learning experience for both of us.

Maybe since you’re having a hard time coming up with things that make you happy, maybe turn that on its head and think about the things you’re doing now that you really hate and find a way to do those things less. Maybe that means making your kid (and DH, LOL) a chore chart, or outsourcing some of the stuff you’re doing at home or delegating some of the stuff at work if you can. By doing less of the stuff you *don’t* want to do, it will free up some time for you to really think about what you would rather spend some of your time doing. I find that when I’m really stretched thin, I honestly just need free time to myself (or with a friend) where I don’t have to really accomplish anything and to mentally recharge and regroup. You know that old saying you can’t fill someone else up when your own bucket is empty? It’s true.

I had a mini melt down this summer. It was over dinner. Who decides what we're eating, when we're eating, making sure we have the ingredients, making the dinner, if we're eating out, where? This has been a bug in my ass as long as I've been married. Other than the first 2 years of DS life, both DH and I have both worked. But the first question out of his mouth, every day, is "what's for dinner?" So I lost my shit and had a come to Jesus meeting about how unfair it was that we have four adults in this house capable of cooking a meal, and everyone expects me to organize it. It's not that I don't have time, DH and I are both retired, but I don't want to. And I don't want criticism for what I choose. You have to realize this was a big thing, because I'm not the fly off the handle melt down type.

So, we now have a dinner board. It's a dry erase board with a monthly calendar and everyone is responsible for filling in meals (and cooking them). Everyone is responsible for adding items to the grocery list for the meals they are planning to cook. It's been going well, even though I still cook more meals than anyone else on average.

I've also implemented the rule that the cook is not responsible for doing the dishes after they cook. One guess why...

This small thing makes me happy. I feel like it's a step towards me not being in charge of everything.

Brene Brown talked about it on her podcast and also in one of her books (maybe Atlas of the Heart?) about how happy/happiness is way too big. That instead we should recognize and create moments of joy. I find this much more appealing and satisfying than doing something like a gratitude journal, although I do experience a lot of gratitude. But creating moments of joy forces you to create these moments for yourself and recognize them.

I really think that is the key to this whole discussion. When we spend our lives doing for others whether it be at work or at home, we feel powerless. We *have* to do it. It's all a grind, day in and day out. when we accept that we need to create moments of joy for ourselves, we take back our power.

I had been practicing this joy thing for years and years. It was a lot of what got me through some of the toughest situations with my kids. When my child died, it was like oof. I couldn't bring myself to try to experience joy anymore. I love to go to concerts. I remember it was my birthday three months after she died and Jeremy bought me tickets to see two bands that I really loved. And I was doing alright for a little while and then suddenly I started crying. Like I couldn't allow myself to experience joy at all. And I went on like this for months. As time went on things got bleaker and bleaker and finally I had arrived at holiday time and was like nope I can't do this. scrapmaven told me it was possible to feel joy and sorrow at the same time. And that was like a lightbulb moment. Deep down I knew that because of all the years of turmoil with my kids when I was still creating moments of joy but it was like I needed permission to begin again having moments of joy.

I really credit her words of wisdom and my putting it back into practice with me being able to grieve without getting lost myself.

How old is your child? I think sorting out what and who actually NEEDS you and what you can get off of your plate is a place to start.

Happiness, for me, is trusting and listening to myself. 

It's creating space in my life for what fulfills me and removing what doesn't. It's auditioning people for my inner circle & only allowing people in who make me laugh & lift me up, who love me in word & action, and who don't require me to manage their emotions or their lives. It's centering my life around my morals and values and principles. It's volunteering with causes I care about because I feel a personal responsibility to make the world a better place. It's being very intentional about the words I say to others and the words I say to myself. It's about continuing to shape my children into kind thoughtful people who will live their best lives after they are done living with me and knowing that they will always be close with one another & with me. It's about all the things I denied myself when I was younger because they were "silly" or "childish" & spending money on experiences that will make me happy even if other people might judge me for them.

Try to find some time for yourself. See if you can get help with some of the things you have to do now around the house. Hire someone if you have to.

As for happiness, I agree with others that happiness is a moment, not a sustained feeling. I strive for peaceful contentment, and the moments of joy and happiness will happen. I know it is easy to say, but I try not to sweat the small stuff. And no longer having kids at home makes finding contentment so much easier. . And I don't look at a lot of social media content that shows what a "happy" life should look like.

This sentence speaks to me. 
I am so happy and content with my current life, even if there is an occasional curve ball.

I want to do a page in my journal and book, with this sentence as the prompt.
I am thinking so many thoughts all at once.....about what I love about my current life.

I packed up all my stuff and hit the road - moved out of state - let those pigs wallow in their slop. My XH was a drunk - the kids were grown and selfish and rude. I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed. I moved out of state and started my own life - my way. After 6 years I now live in a house I bought with my 2 cats. The house is decorated how I like it - clean - and peaceful. It took awhile to find friends, but I found my tribe. I love my life now. I miss my family - I see my adult children a couple of times a year and talk to them weekly. I don't date - don't want to. I am done shape-shifting into who other people want me to be. I love my life now.

Cindy