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Post by sunnyd on Oct 30, 2024 17:28:28 GMT
My 80 year old dad has lived alone for the past 50 years. He recently had a 2 week hospital stay followed by a month at rehab. He's going home soon and I'm very concerned. He won't be able to drive. My sister and I both live in different states from my dad. We have a couple of local cousins that can help get him to drs. appts. and he has some awesome neighbors but he's going to be on his own for the most part.
If you have btdt, do you have any tips? I'm planning to be there for a week and then my sister is planning to be there for a week when he gets home to get him settled. We are getting meal deliveries and grocery delivery set up. He will have some in-home physical therapy, not sure how much of that is covered by his insurance. We are looking into some options for home help for assistance with meals, medications (he takes a lot of meds) and errands. That cost is going to add up fast but we know it's necessary. If you have had that service for a parent how many hours a day were they there?
If you have been through this with your parents, how did it work out? Did you up-end your life and move there to care for them? My sister and I still work full time so it would be difficult to move there to be his full time caregiver. I have talked to my dad about moving to my state but he doesn't want to. Ugh!
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Tearisci
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,247
Nov 6, 2018 16:34:30 GMT
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Post by Tearisci on Oct 30, 2024 17:31:44 GMT
When my parents starting declining, we moved them to our town. They don't have a car so my sister and I provide transportation to them as well as groceries etc.
Is it an option for your dad to move closer to one of you?
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Post by leannec on Oct 30, 2024 17:38:10 GMT
My mum is still very independent at 77 ... drives and takes care of herself but realized last year that she really didn't want to cook and clean anymore ... she moved into a retirement residence that she LOVES!
Now she has dinner with other residents in the dining room and a person who cleans her suite every week ... she still takes care of her own breakfast and lunch and laundry ... she lives with a very spoiled cat and is really happy!
Is that sort of situation an option for you to look into?
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,447 
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Post by amom23 on Oct 30, 2024 18:52:01 GMT
My mom lived 2 hours from me. When the shit hit the fan with her health we got her to agree to move into an assisted living apartment nearby. I was the only one of my siblings to live in the same state. Of course I had no idea at the time how bad things were going to get with mom, but even at the beginning there was no way I would have been able to support her being 2 hours away.
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Post by librarylady on Oct 30, 2024 18:56:14 GMT
Since he has been in a rehab facility, perhaps he will be more open to the idea of living around others. You can explore assisted living apartments as an idea with him. Emphasize how he will be independent butget help getting to medical appointments etc.
A neighbor, who just turned 101, has a caregiver come 8 to 12 for 4 days per week. I think Medicare pays for that. Family has picked up the cost for same hours and 3 additional days.
Some services won't run errands, just provide medical care. Ask about that for your dad.
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Post by nightnurse on Oct 30, 2024 18:58:29 GMT
The social worker at the rehab facility would be a good resource. They legally cannot discharge a patient to an unsafe environment. They can set up home resources. It does vary by state and home care is terribly short staffed but they should be able to make a plan. If not, they shouldn’t be discharging him home alone.
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Post by Zee on Oct 30, 2024 19:07:07 GMT
If assisted living is not on the table, will be be going home with home health? Not necessarily a nurse but someone who can help with bathing and setting up meds.
There are pharmacies that can mail his meds to him in dose packs so that he can see what's due each day (as long as he doesn't have mental decline).
If he needs rides that can't be set up through a transport service, set him up an Uber account (again, assuming he doesn't have mental decline--the app isn't hard to use, my 82 yo MIL can handle it).
Make sure his bills are on autopay and that his deliveries are set up and he knows how to adjust those things if needed.
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Post by mom on Oct 30, 2024 19:19:36 GMT
Perhaps calling the local Council on Aging could help you find some resources for him? Especially if he wants to stay at his house.
Is he able to follow written instructions? Maybe having someone (maybe a home health aid) set up his medication so he can know exactly what to take and when could help.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Oct 30, 2024 21:18:17 GMT
Would your Father be open to taking on a room-mate?
A senior or single working adult looking for a less expensive priced living situation (with a contribution of time in lieu of higher rent).
This is what I have done in the past (and am currently doing). Not so much to be a fulltime care giver, but to help a little (in exchange for lesser rent). I provided rides to store, errands, take out trash, sweep outside area, etc... and most importantly am a daily presence in the home (or in current situation....I am on property and check in the main house on a regular basis in case the resident(extended Family member) needs any assistance or help with anything, and to be company for a mostly homebound elderly person.
In my situation, it was two different people that I know. It wasn't complete strangers.
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Post by jill8909 on Oct 30, 2024 21:35:24 GMT
My experience is that aging best is all about $$$$.
- What does he want?
- Does your Dad have the resources to move to an assisted living or continuing care community? Expensive but can be the ideal solution.
- There are social workers who specialize in helping the elderly with issues like this, particularly when the kids are out of the area. Google compassionate care. Again, it costs. They will advise on placement and even monitor him in a new place. Unlike "a place for mom" they don't take a kickback from any place they suggest.
Aren't you amazing for even considering moving to care for him. We moved my mom in. 20 years, the last 7 were rough and she needed a lot of care. We paid for someone to come to the house while we were working. Again, $$$$$$. When she got too frail, nursing home on Medicaid. A good place but awful to be there.
Good luck. You are a nice person.
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,121
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Oct 30, 2024 23:10:13 GMT
Yes I have been there, done that. The peas gave a lot of great advice, and I encourage you to research anything that is shared here. Medicare provides limited options. My mom was In 2020 right in the middle of the pandemic, my then 90 year old mother started having some obvious signs that she needed help. After a short stay in the hospital, Medicare provided 30 at home visits. The caregiver came once a week for 3 or 4 hours. I will warn you that these people are underpaid and because of that, aren't always the most reliable. There were a lot of times when they didn't show up. We did end up with one excellent person. She even accompanied my mom to the doctor (using dial a ride. They aren't allowed to use their own cars). Eventually we had to hire an agency because we needed someone to come more often. They would remind her to take medication, but could not disperse the medication. But it was clear that my mom needed full time care. She fought us on it, but after 2 very bad falls, she went into a nursing home until we could find an assisted living for her. She was really scared after that 2nd fall, so she no longer fought us.
Medicare will not help with assisted living costs, but they will cover nursing home care if they need it. There are a lot of rules to qualify (like recovering from a fall or surgery) and the length of time there will be limited unless he has medicaid. If your dad does not have savings or the means to pay for assisted living, start looking into qualifying for medicaid in your state.
This is all so difficult to manage, especially from another state. It's time to start having difficult conversations. He will probably fight you on it, but it has to be done. Good luck to you and big hugs!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Oct 30, 2024 23:13:10 GMT
My 80 year old dad has lived alone for the past 50 years. He recently had a 2 week hospital stay followed by a month at rehab. He's going home soon and I'm very concerned. He won't be able to drive. My sister and I both live in different states from my dad. We have a couple of local cousins that can help get him to drs. appts. and he has some awesome neighbors but he's going to be on his own for the most part. If you have btdt, do you have any tips? I'm planning to be there for a week and then my sister is planning to be there for a week when he gets home to get him settled. We are getting meal deliveries and grocery delivery set up. He will have some in-home physical therapy, not sure how much of that is covered by his insurance. We are looking into some options for home help for assistance with meals, medications (he takes a lot of meds) and errands. That cost is going to add up fast but we know it's necessary. If you have had that service for a parent how many hours a day were they there? If you have been through this with your parents, how did it work out? Did you up-end your life and move there to care for them? My sister and I still work full time so it would be difficult to move there to be his full time caregiver. I have talked to my dad about moving to my state but he doesn't want to. Ugh! You may end up reading your dad the riot act and telling him to move there. If he is getting dementia tell him his doctor said he has to do this. |
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 30, 2024 23:30:25 GMT
I don't have advice -- we've been through a lot of not-fun with DH's aging parents who live 3000+ miles away, and I just want to offer you my support, because it's hard.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,241
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Post by Gennifer on Oct 31, 2024 0:12:09 GMT
I don’t want to sound like a dick, but when you’re a kid you have to live in the area your parents choose, whether that’s to be close to family or their job or whatever. When they become an elderly adult the tables flip, and they now need to live in the area chosen by you, or be able to live on their own. If he can get by using things like Uber to get to appointments, fine, but I don’t think it’s fair of him to expect (or even ask) your cousins to do it.
Circle of life.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 31, 2024 12:31:31 GMT
My parents were 2 hours away and it was awful trying to get them to think about leaving their home. Ultimately, dad broke his hip and realized he could not return home, because it was too much for our mother. They agreed to move near 4 of the 5 of us. It was still a tortuous process.
If you can convince your dad to move closer to you before he is in crisis, that would be best.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,859
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Post by scrapngranny on Oct 31, 2024 16:49:07 GMT
My dad lived out of state when he had a quadruple bypass. I stayed with him for about a month. He lived very close to his best friend, how watched out for him. It did come to a point where his friend felt dad needed more care than he could provide.
Dad had to leave his beloved Arizona and move to California to move to my house. We lived on 10 acres so we were able to put a 2 bedroom mobile home right next to our back porch. It was the best of both worlds. He had his own house and we were just steps away. He stayed there a couple of years until he fell and could no longer walk. At that point, he went into a full care nursing facility.
It’s hard to parent your parent.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 31, 2024 17:01:40 GMT
I moved my parents and will move my MIL when the time comes. When they are no longer able to care for themselves it's impossible to keep them there. It's actually not even about money as we have resources, it's about making sure they have the care they need and you just can't outsource that with any confidence.
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westiemom
Shy Member
Posts: 48
Aug 14, 2023 4:21:57 GMT
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Post by westiemom on Nov 1, 2024 3:19:51 GMT
I stumbled on this when I needed it.
First, your dad has to move closer to you. Please don't think I am a jerk. I have eight years experience and it's still going on. You will not be able to manage his care at a distance. I am 20 minutes from my mom and that is sometimes too far. I have three sisters who live 900-1100 miles away and a brother 700 miles away. None of them are much help. I also have a brother who lives in our same town but he financially exploited my mom ten years ago and I told him I would see his a$$ in court if he showed up. He hasn't.
For the past eight years, my mom has lived in an independent living facility for seniors. She is 88 years old and does pretty well. She can cook and loves to sew. I teach a small cardmaking class there and she attends. (FYI: I do this at my expense. Sometimes a friend of mine sends me some money because her mom and aunt also come to the class. But this gets my mom out every month and she can produce something she can use) She has great friends there and enjoys activities. ALL the activities are coordinated by residents. The management is worthless. Example: several of the residents can no longer drive. This facility is part of a large nursing home business. A resident asked if the bus could come once a week and take them to Walmart or the grocery store. She was told, "No. You people don't pay enough for that." Lousy management.
We have been able to make this work with some modifications. My mom has an I-Phone and an apple watch. I have the watch set up to call me if she falls. It works well. She would not wear a lifeline so this watch is the best! I also handle all her finances for her. She can use her credit card all she wants but the facility is always asking for donations and this gives her a way to say "My daughter handles that." I really feel like some form of fall-management and financial management is essential.
When (not if) you move your dad near you, do your diligence on the facility. My mom is happy with her friends at her place but you need good management. Ask around. You will know someone with a parent at the facility. If you know any nurses, they are wonderful resources.
My mom is still a legal driver but I do not let her drive out of town. I take her to all her appointments. I spend a LOT of time with her. My husband is a real gem. He helps too!
Tonight, Mom became light-headed when visiting my son's home. She had driven herself. Earlier in the day she had had a shingles vaccination. I would not allow her to drive home. My husband drove her and I followed. Then my husband said let's just stay here a while to make sure she is ok. I am blessed to have him. But I had some dark thoughts tonight because she is 88 and what will we do if she can no longer live in independent living?
The whole thing is a house of cards. Certainly money is a good thing when talking about elder care. My mom is comfortable but care is expensive.
I hope you have a good relationship with your siblings. That is a whole 'nother can of worms.
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