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Post by Texas Scrap on Mar 27, 2025 13:44:15 GMT
I have come in and out of this thread 3 times to post something and left each time. My DH was the alcoholic. And I wish it was only 2 glasses of wine a night. I will not go into all of what I have been through for the last 15 years but I stayed in the marriage because deep down, I still loved that man. Did I withhold sex? At the start, yes. I needed to know I was more important than all his other vices. When I finally realized that I wasn't, I was angry...bitter. It then just became how it was. I didn't want a divorce, I wanted the man I married to come back into being. I kept holding out hope. There are demons that just can't be beat back I suppose. Counseling wouldn't have helped. He didn't want to go. Therapy for me? Should have but didn't. I don't think there is always a clear answer. I have a feeling the replies might be different if the roles were reversed. Problem drinking breaks trust. And unless you've been involved with a problem drinker you probably don't know how badly. She would have needed a significant period of time away from alcohol in order to rebuild trust with him. She couldn't possibly think after years of this behavior that she could just stop for a week and everything would just be fine. You get this. I get this. I'm sorry for your struggles. ❤️ Child of an alcoholic. I get all of this and agree. Alcoholics who are not in recovery never see themselves as part of the problem, will always claim they can stop drinking, etc. It is so so hard. I also think it's hard to get to the truth via third party. We really don't know if the husband was intentionally withholding or just did not want/desire sex given dynamics. And maybe the wife was even being pushy or aggressive. Sex is so personal and intimate in its motivations and habits it is really hard to know what exactly is going on. |
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Post by ~summer~ on Mar 27, 2025 13:58:07 GMT
jeremysgirl - you don’t like the response? I read it quickly, but agreed with it. “Work on yourself”. Seems he characterized them well.
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Post by nightnurse on Mar 27, 2025 14:00:45 GMT
The dear James response is a mess. Total, clueless “dude bro” answer.
We really have so little info here. I can’t tell if the wife is an alcoholic or a problem drinker or if the avoidant husband is using it as an excuse. “I’m just waiting for the divorce” should receive the answer of “wait no longer! Head on out the door.” What an abuse, cruel, punishing thing to say. Nothing loving or supportive about hanging divorce over someone’s head. He doesn’t find his wife attractive, won’t talk about it, won’t go to marriage counseling but does his share of the housework. Sounds more like a roommate. Intimacy is important in most marriages. Sex is the one thing I can only do with my husband. If he doesn’t want to go to dinner with me, I can go with a friend. Doesn’t want to see a movie? I can go with my dad. Not interested in walking around the park? I’ll take my dog. Sure, sex isn’t the only important part of a marriage but it is the only part you can’t get elsewhere. But in this case I do think it’s a tiny part of the problem. He’s mean and emotionally abusive but if he accuses her of being an alcoholic, he’ll get a pass for that. And if her drinking is a problem, why doesn’t he leave? Why say “I’m waiting for the divorce” like she is the only one with the power to make that happen? Stop waiting, start acting.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 27, 2025 14:03:10 GMT
jeremysgirl - you don’t like the response? I read it quickly, but agreed with it. “Work on yourself”. Seems he characterized them well. I am fine with the meat of his response on this particular question. I really don't like his "style" at all though. But I will say that I'm a huge fan of Lori Gottlieb's column at NYT and she is actually a psychologist. So I'm biased. LOL! |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 27, 2025 14:03:55 GMT
This is particularly what I don't like about him ~summer~ |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 27, 2025 14:05:41 GMT
Stop waiting, start acting. I verge from your answer on many things, but this, I'm 100% behind. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 27, 2025 14:07:06 GMT
To me, it seems like the husband has depression. My take is different than yours, but I agree with this. I think they both do. But I also know that for people who are really sensitive to such things, depression can be contagious. |
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Post by pantsonfire on Mar 27, 2025 14:25:36 GMT
"Sort yourself out, rewire your connection to the universe, and then stand back. You won’t be disappointed."
100% agree with his response.
Like I said, she needs to stop using alcohol as a way to cope with lack of intimacy and he needs to look at his hormone levels.
She needs to go to therapy alone as should he.
Then if they decide on their own to work at their marriage, then do couples.
But neither one is helping. Both have their problems they need to work on and stop blaming the other for their unhappines.
No one is responsible for your happiness in life but YOU.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 28, 2025 10:07:14 GMT
Not only do I not like “James’ “ style, but what was his obsession with the small detail that the husband did his share of the household chores? He gave that more wordage than anything else. Almost as if a woman should expect her man to be angry and want to divorce her over it.
It took away from the common sense answer of “work on yourself” for me.
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Post by mollycoddle on Mar 28, 2025 11:06:29 GMT
We don’t really know how much she is drinking. A “glass or two of wine” does not sound like it should be a problem. But is it really a glass or two? We don’t know. I think that she needs to focus on herself first. I would be going to therapy. If her drinking is excessive, she needs to address that; not for her husband, but for herself.
One thing stood out to me. The “I’m just waiting for the divorce to happen.” Wow. Passive aggressive language like that bothers me a lot.
She needs to work on herself. If her drinking is casual, and he has a problem with it, that sounds like a control move. If, OTOH, her drinking is excessive, she has a problem with alcohol and the underlying reasons for medicating herself that she must address first and foremost.
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Post by mollycoddle on Mar 28, 2025 11:11:50 GMT
The dear James response is a mess. Total, clueless “dude bro” answer. We really have so little info here. I can’t tell if the wife is an alcoholic or a problem drinker or if the avoidant husband is using it as an excuse. “I’m just waiting for the divorce” should receive the answer of “wait no longer! Head on out the door.” What an abuse, cruel, punishing thing to say. Nothing loving or supportive about hanging divorce over someone’s head. He doesn’t find his wife attractive, won’t talk about it, won’t go to marriage counseling but does his share of the housework. Sounds more like a roommate. Intimacy is important in most marriages. Sex is the one thing I can only do with my husband. If he doesn’t want to go to dinner with me, I can go with a friend. Doesn’t want to see a movie? I can go with my dad. Not interested in walking around the park? I’ll take my dog. Sure, sex isn’t the only important part of a marriage but it is the only part you can’t get elsewhere. But in this case I do think it’s a tiny part of the problem. He’s mean and emotionally abusive but if he accuses her of being an alcoholic, he’ll get a pass for that. And if her drinking is a problem, why doesn’t he leave? Why say “I’m waiting for the divorce” like she is the only one with the power to make that happen? Stop waiting, start acting. Yes, the same thing bothered me. I was in a long term relationship with someone who tried to be controlling. It took me awhile to get it. When I did get it, we parted ways. No thanks. So I am very sensitive to that kind language. Coupled with the fact that he refuses to go to therapy, I see red flags here. But if her drinking is a problem, she does need to address that first thing. Not for the marriage, but for herself. |
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Post by smasonnc on Mar 28, 2025 12:46:16 GMT
Not only do I not like “James’ “ style, but what was his obsession with the small detail that the husband did his share of the household chores? He gave that more wordage than anything else. Almost as if a woman should expect her man to be angry and want to divorce her over it. It took away from the common sense answer of “work on yourself” for me. Guys think they’re saints if they unload the dishwasher or know what a toilet brush is for. The husband is snarky and closed down but he takes out the trash. He may pull his weight in the home but not in the marriage. |
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