|
Post by Heart on Jan 22, 2015 20:47:28 GMT
Congratulations to her! How exciting! She must be excited and stressed- that's a lot to deal with all at once, but so worth it in the end.
I was EIGHTEEN when I got married. My mom had many of the same worries and didn't express them well to me at all. I was so saddened that she wasn't supportive and excited for me. It really hurt me for a long time. Please make sure you show her excitement, pride, weepiness etc. She needs that just as much as the sage mom advice.
as far as money goes, young couples are always broke and it's the way it is. She'll either learn or she won't- or ask for help. Give her gentle heads up about health insurance after you check that out at work (or where ever) but the rest; meh. She'll get there. So will her soon-to-be-wife. It's part and parcel of being young and in love!
congratulations again!
|
|
|
Post by hennybutton on Jan 22, 2015 21:18:07 GMT
I thought it was hilarious when we were newlyweds, our parents would invite us to dinner and then there would be this whole little play: Surprise! My MIL had cooked way too much food! Oh, what ever will she do? There is no way she and FIL could eat it all themselves. Here, why don't y'all take the 6 extra steaks and two extra casserole dishes of food that we accidentally made? We saw right through it, but it was much welcomed! That is so sweet!
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jan 22, 2015 21:31:44 GMT
Some points for clarification: * I am happy to continue paying for those things that legally we can. I was not aware we could continue to have her on our insurance plan despite her being married, for instance. If that is truly the case, then she will remain. You need to find that out for sure before assuming it to be true.* She will have to work while getting her Masters. What if her employer provides insurance? Won't my company's insurance, as is the case with my spouse, insist on her employer being the primary insurance coverage? Again, if it works...so be it. If her employer gives her insurance, she should take it.* The plan was she would start taking on more responsibility for her financial things (cell phone, insurance, car maintenance/repairs) upon graduation. This is not new simply because she has plans to marry. * She was made aware that when the van died...that was it. She would need to find a way to purchase her own vehicle at that point. * The wedding: as there are two brides in this wedding, we do have the benefit that we aren't 100% on the hook as the bride's parents to foot the bill. We cannot afford to pay for a full blown wedding at this time. We have another child who will be going off to college in 2016. We've supported her 100% during her college years. We are paying for 90% of her college tuition at a private college. And we will be paying back loans starting in 2016. There simply isn't going to be money to foot the bill for a full blown wedding. Thankfully, they are well aware of that fact. We will HELP pay for the wedding but it will be a limited amount. That's just the reality of the wedding happening during this time frame. The other bride's family is even less financially able to pay for a wedding. My cousin gave his daughter a set amount that they could afford...the rest was up to them. They need to know how much you and the other bride's family can afford.* This is the "kid" who complains about not having grocery money on FB one day and telling me she's looking to buy a $200 tablet the next. So you can possibly understand why I am concerned they may not be thinking through some of the things they should be. * It will be us (my dh and I) that they will turn to for help should they need. * I don't want any of us to be blindsided by a financially impactful issue because we hadn't thought these things through beforehand. * I am not a helicopter mom, never have been. I have no plans to interfere or intervene. I'm 150% supportive and will continue to be so. I understand I can't fix things nor make things work for them. That's not my job and I don't intend to try and and make it mine. I would so love it if we were financially able to support them for as long as they need it. That's just not reality though. Nor should you...if she is mature enough to be married, then they need to be able to support themselves...
|
|
AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
|
Post by AnotherPea on Jan 22, 2015 21:42:51 GMT
I also believe that if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to take care of yourself. I married young and I did get help from my father once because of a medical issue. I paid that $500 back within three months, however. I like the idea of keeping my kid on my insurance even if she is married, but only because there are already other dependents on our plan. If my youngest gets married, I wouldn't keep paying $400/month for her insurance.
I like the idea of helping out my kids when they NEED it. But I'm not into supplementing their comfortable lifestyle or having them expect a regular contribution (like a cellphone bill).
|
|
|
Post by Karene on Jan 22, 2015 21:48:47 GMT
I got married on my 23rd birthday and my husband was almost 25. We got engaged just before we graduated university. We didn't have full time jobs yet. I got one pretty quick and although not the greatest, it allowed me to live at home and save up for the year before our wedding. My husband worked his regular summer job and then looked around at something to do. He ended up getting his real estate licence and then moving into mortgage brokerage. It was commission so we mainly lived on my salary until he got a job with a bank.
We had a low budget wedding. My mom made my wedding dress and the bridesmaids' dresses. We had a morning mass and a luncheon which was the same food as a dinner but half the price. No dancing or DJ, just a get together back at my parents' house. It was almost all family. I never regretted the way we did it. I was glad it didn't cost my parents too much.
We rented a cheap basement apartment and bought our first car in time to take it on the honeymoon. We were frugal and had no problem paying our bills.
My mom was only 20 when she got married, so she was fine with us. We never had to ask for help.
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Jan 22, 2015 21:59:45 GMT
I truly believe we do our children a disservice when we don't teach them to take care of themselves. if she has no responsibility to pay for her basic expenses (insurance Health & car), damages to her vehicle, not to mention luxuries like an iPhone, she doesn't have any skin in the game when something is damaged. If she paid for those things and had to replace them she would be much more aware of the cost of supporting herself.
That said, I know how hard this is as I have a boomerang child back home that I am trying to nudge back out of the nest.
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Jan 22, 2015 22:13:45 GMT
I didn't realize parents could keep their sons/daughters on their insurance after they are married. That's good to know.
I think since they are adults, they should be able to get married when they want to. They need to understand that they will have expenses they may not have while unmarried. My husband and I both had jobs when we got married, and we didn't want our parents to have to pay for a wedding, as they paid our entire college education. We wanted a small wedding, so we could save up for a house. For us, that was a good decision!
|
|
Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
|
Post by Country Ham on Jan 22, 2015 22:17:57 GMT
While she's supposed to take care of the regular maintenance stuff, it hasn't happened. If you don't mind my asking why not?
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Jan 22, 2015 22:18:20 GMT
Dh and I were a little older than that when we got engaged, but not that much (23 and 24). Everyone was generally supportive. For us part of it was that we were going to need to make major job and graduate school program decisions that were committing us to four-ish years, and each of us would need to give a little in order to be together, and I don't think either of us really wanted to make those commitments unless we were committing to the long haul.
Anyhow, I was working and had health insurance and all that by the time we were married, and we were in the era before cell phones, and we lived in Manhattan so no car. We had savings, It is a slightly different situation. But, still, while 99% of the people around me were incredibly supportive and happy for us, twenty years later, I still remember every single non-supportive thing that was said to me. Ok, maybe I hold a grudge. But for me, it was the one real rainbows and unicorns time of my life (other than having my first child, maybe, but I was throwing up a lot hHe ), and I think it wise to choose carefully what you say, and how you say it, in this kind of situation. Which from your other posts, it sounds like you are, but I thought it worth mentioning.
|
|
gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,086
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
|
Post by gsquaredmom on Jan 22, 2015 22:45:52 GMT
I was in a similar situation. We made our own way.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:30 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2015 23:44:41 GMT
Isn't this the reason there are pre marriage classes ?
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Jan 23, 2015 0:34:52 GMT
A young couple's job is to live in a studio or one bedroom apartment and suffer a bit. Those are the years when going out to a movie is the equivalent of Donald Trump going to dinner at the Four Seasons. They won't perish because they have to pay their own way. We are planning to pay for grad school, just to give our kids the best head start at a great career. As far as marriage goes, I might still be inclined to help out w/tuition and books and health insurance. As far as rent, utilities that's a different story. I'm not going to put an extra person through grad school. If the other parents were helping to support their child through grad school even after marriage then I might do the same. Why not give them the best start possible if it's affordable? You and your dh need to decide exactly what you will and will not pay for and then set those boundaries for your dd and her stbw. At the very least, I do think that it's imperative that she keep health insurance if you can afford to do so for her. Personally, waiting until both have careers is ideal, but they want to get married, so why not? Draw your line in the sand and be happy for the marriage. Support her emotionally and trust that she's smart enough to make rent and finish grad school. She can get grants, loans and she can work if necessary. There might even be married student housing on her campus.
|
|
|
Post by Aheartfeltcard on Jan 23, 2015 0:47:42 GMT
I think when one is married she is on her own. She has a new family and will make her own decisions.
I don't think there is anything wrong with clarifying what the realistic finances will be.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:30 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 1:35:25 GMT
I can confirm that she can stay on your insurance. I just spoke to a Health Insurance Broker about that last week because our employee is about to get married but is still young enough for parental coverage. No input on the rest ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
|
|
|
Post by Skellinton on Jan 23, 2015 3:53:14 GMT
So my nearly 21 year old daughter announced 2 weeks ago that she and her partner are engaged. Their plan is to marry around the time she graduates from college next year (May-June 2016).
I'm happy for them to a point. I think they're rushing to do this and that concerns me. They've been together for a little over 2 years. She will be 22 and her partner will be 24. Neither of them will have much in the way of financial stability by spring of next year. They're both either currently a social worker (in the classic sense) or will be a social worker (minus certification) by the planned wedding date. My daughter's plan is to go on to get her Masters. We are paying the bulk of her undergraduate work and will not be helping with the Masters.
I'm sure they've looked at things from a financial viewpoint but I'm wondering if they really understand everything they should. Heck, I'm not even sure I do. These though are some things I do know will have a financial impact:
Healthcare coverage: I currently carry her on my plan. Pretty sure once she's married I can no longer do so. I'm sure she's not considering the impact of no dental or vision coverage either (she wears contacts/glasses). Car Insurance: Again, married and living in another state? Cell Phone: While this is one I could cover (no legal issues), I'm of the mind that they need to be responsible for all of expenses. My husband might fight me on this one. Car maintenance: She has use of our 2002 Honda minivan. It's got 200K+ miles and we just sunk $1K in repairs. She also just damaged the bumper which won't be fixed. While she's supposed to take care of the regular maintenance stuff, it hasn't happened. It's not going to last forever, so she could be looking at needing a car in the next 18-24 months. Her partner's car situation is equally precarious: older vehicle, lots of miles, lots of repairs in the time she's had it (12+ months). Costly repairs that I don't think they'll be able to afford
I don't think I am clear on what your dilemma is. Whether your daughter gets married or not she will be getting her masters which you are not paying for. I don't think being married makes insurance more expensive. And living in another state, won't she be doing that married or not? Married or not her car will need maintenance, and since you are not paying for it anyway her being married doesn't affect that. Same with her fiancées car. Being single or married won't have any effect on maintenance or longevity.
The only thing I read being an issue is insurance and the phone. The insurance may be moot if her job offers it to her, and if she is married that may actually be a benefit of her fiancée doesn't have it as she can be covered that way. It will be expensive, but that is a decision they can make. The phone she should pay for herself, but at her age she probably should be anyway.
i just don't see the issue, most of the things you listed are going to happen if she is married or not.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 12:49:37 GMT
Scrprgrl: you are right I wasn't clear. I was trying to decide how/when to talk to her about these things. My concern is whether she's thought about these things and is planning accordingly. By asking I've already learned that she can stay on my insurance plan...big relief!
I support her, I will support this decision. I'm just a "ducks in a row" kind of gal.
|
|
hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,649
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Member is Online
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
|
Post by hannahruth on Jan 23, 2015 13:32:21 GMT
I can't see why you would be financially supporting them at all.
Being grown up and married comes with responsibilities and this includes financial independence. The young people need to know about and budget as much as their income allows to have the life style and all the gadgets that go with it. If a new iPhone is not in the budget don't buy one. Pay the bills fIrst and then go out for dinner. They expect to live their life as you live yours but they forget it has taken you 18-20 years to be where you are now in terms of housing, financial stability (hopefully) they need to have their time to live their life and you need to step back and let them.
It it will be the making of them and they will hopefully grow together.
|
|
|
Post by bigbundt on Jan 23, 2015 14:31:46 GMT
Sink or swim, baby. Give her some financial basics but she will just have to figure it out. I think health insurance education is huge because most people starting out don't understand how high the costs are. I remember in my first job when I was offered insurance, I was flabbergasted that I would have to pay $200 a month for premiums, which came to about 20% of my take home pay at the time. We didn't have insurance during that time and thank goodness we didn't need it.
However as someone who married her high school/college sweetheart right after college, I would be concerned about the timing of the marriage happening before they really get out in the real world on their own. I also didn't rush into anything since we dated for 3 years, engaged for 2 and yet we were divorced within a couple of years. Why? We has such different ideas about budget and work and chores and responsibilities as adults. It was something that we never had deal with when we were still in school and our parents were supporting us, we didn't have the chance to develop our ideals and values and habits about those things by being on our own. Some couples work through it but some, like myself, do not.
I wish we had done pre-marriage counseling or a weekend workshop or something because I believe a lot of these things would have come up and we could have dealt with them then or break off the engagement because despite being very good with one another, we weren't very good for one another. It was easy to have a great relationship with someone when you don't have all the crap responsibilities of an adult and the possible resulting conflicts from two vastly different viewpoints that develop after some time of being out in the real world on their own.
I don't mean to be a downer and I certainly don't think this is the case with all people who marry young but it does happen.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 15:28:24 GMT
I have brought up counseling on a couple occasions because I agree it really important. They are looking into it but she's telling me it's difficult due to the large percentage of faith based practices in their area. But they are aware that it's something they need to look into.
|
|
|
Post by scrapcat on Jan 23, 2015 16:57:17 GMT
The insurance until 26 is an Obamacare thing, I'm assuming you are in the US?!
I think your concerns are valid, and from the description your daughter sounds like every other 22 yr old with grandiose plans yet not a ton of real world experience. All you can do is be supportive and there to help when needed, but just tell her explicitly what you can/will pay for regarding everything. As long as she understands, I think you are good.
Maybe based on the information you provided, guiding them into re-thinking a big expensive wedding versus being able to pay their bills and save for a rainy day may be a good idea. I've noticed that with these younger people, they don't understand 'rainy day savings', they think things will just work forever?! Maybe blame Apple care for replacing broken phones?! I wish someone would've done the same for me regarding wedding! It's hard, but I think it's all just part of life.
Best wishes to you and your daughter!
|
|
|
Post by khaleesi on Jan 23, 2015 17:59:25 GMT
My feeling is... and I could be wrong... that all the reasoning in the world about timing/finances isn't going to be the thing to change their minds. You have so many reasonable things to say but they may or may not be in a place to hear it. So my advice is.. figure out what you can so logistically and what you feel good about doing. Tell them plainly what you can do. Then the rest is on them. I learned a lot in the school of hard knocks and they will, too. That's okay. You do your best and the rest is on them, as adults making an adult decision. This. My stepson got engaged the night he graduated high school and their plan was to wait until they finished college to get married. They lasted 2 years in college before she had to take a semester off to get a job to support her mom and he was using the summer to think about changing his major. That was in 2013. They got married in 2014. Neither of them has gone back to school and now they are having a baby in March. They just recently both turned 21. Listen to what was said above and also ask what their expectations are from you as far as to contributing to the wedding, paying for cell phones, insurance, etc. That is what we did. We kept stepson on our insurance until this year when he got a job that is finally full time with some benefits. We still pay for his cell phone because we don't want them to be without a way of being able to make/receive calls. One day when they are set a little more, we will take him off our plan. It's a struggle for them and will be even more so when the baby is born. Keep the conversation open and put it in their court of what they are looking for as far as expectation and be willing to share what you are willing and able to do.
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Jan 23, 2015 21:05:58 GMT
Congratulations!
Can't imagine you've raised Her in a vacuum. Does she earn her own spending money now? Contribute in some way? She's probably more prepared than you realize.
I have no clue about insurance and the tough questions, but they have almost 18 months to locate some sort of class and think about real life issues. There's probably a secular class available on campus through student counseling. And tell them to contact banks in the university town for financial planning class suggestions.
Try to celebrate, hope he's a worthy guy!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 21:39:29 GMT
This makes the most sense. Ask her what she's (they) thinking of in terms of these various things and then let the conversation happen from there. She/they may very well have thought about all of it. As they start making plans, they're discovering that even their idea of a simple, small wedding is going to cost more than they anticipated. I'm acting as a sounding board at this point. We have told them how much we can afford to contribute. I have no idea what her partner's family will contribute. As I've said, my daughter "gets it" when it comes to most things financially related but there's the occasional disconnect (one recently came up making me wonder if she's thought of these other things) that I, as mom, worry about. 99% of what most of the replies here have said makes sense and/or I'm already on board with. Well, she's a worthy gal... ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) It really does help that I like her partner a lot.
|
|
mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
|
Post by mallie on Jan 24, 2015 1:20:29 GMT
We've always tried to be very transparent with out kids about the cost and value (which can be totally different) of the necessities and desires of life. As each of them got older, we also sat them down and helped them figure out a "grown up budget" based on real, current figures. That helped inform their decisions about careers as well as short term and long term financial goals.
They have screwed up, because they were/are young and can be impulsive. Occasionally, they have a disconnect. An example would be that my one dd who shares her Netflix instant streaming asked me to contribute something towards her monthly fee for that. I told her I'd be happy to if she started paying her own cell phone bill. That shut her up and was a useful reminder to her of the cost of that monthly bill and what she'll be on the hook for once she graduates college. Another dd was in a minor fender bender in which she hit an out of stater when they cut her off in a crowded tourist area. The insurance company found her at fault, so she owed for the deductible. We made her pay that deductible and the increase in insurance rates. She wailed about how unfair it was, but she learned the lesson that you need to have savings in the bank to cover those surprises and that covering those essentials means you have to cut back on the frills for a while. And that we're not going to bail her out. That's life.
As each of them heads into their senior year of college, we do a sit down and review finances. We show them what we've been paying and what they'll be on the hook for now. We help them work out a budget based on apartment costs where they hope to live, insurance, cell, food, gas, rainy day savings etc. It's helped them decide on different locations or whether they should go on a vacation with friends/stay home and save that money, etc.
|
|
|
Post by knit.pea on Jan 24, 2015 16:51:24 GMT
When these subjects come up, I do wonder if I will end up being the hard ass I currently *think* I will be when my kids leave home ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) (I started working in the 1980s, had older parents who could not have helped much even if they wanted to, and I lived paycheck to paycheck. Not fun, of course, but not the end of the world. I think it's good for kids to see the reality of life/choices. It definitely made me work harder-- two jobs, at times--just to make ends meet.) Job with health insurance ... their responsibility Car insurance ... their responsibility Cell phone plan ... I waffle on this, but I think they should pay for at least the cost of the additional line(s) Car payment/maintenance ... routine maintenance is their responsibility Be a fall-back if a huge expense comes up (transmission, brakes), pay it for them, and set up a re-payment plan to you Wedding ... a set amount your family can contribute Congratulations to them! How fun to be in on wedding planning!
|
|
RosieKat
Drama Llama
![*](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/stars/star_green.png)
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,453
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
|
Post by RosieKat on Jan 24, 2015 18:09:07 GMT
I don't see anything wrong with having an honest financial discussion with her. I'd just present it as making sure she's considered all of those things, and wanting to make sure her eyes are wide open in that respect. If appropriate, you can discuss that it might be best to hold off for another 6 months or so to make sure everyone is settled, employed, etc. If they are in a state where fiance can include her on insurance after the wedding, they may want to consider that. I do think it's fair that after a marriage occurs, a child now needs to take over all the role of an adult. Parents may provide assistance if they wish, but I don't think there's any obligation. The newly marrieds may even consider it an imposition.
I guess I feel that she's wanting to move forward with her adult life, and it's only fair to have an adult discussion with her.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 4, 2024 16:13:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2015 0:31:29 GMT
btt'ing with update.
|
|
|
Post by hosschick on Jan 26, 2015 16:05:26 GMT
Glad to see your update and hope that helped to put your mind at ease! It sounds like they're off to a good start and aren't rushing into anything.
|
|