Are we raising narcissistic children?

I can honestly say that this is the biggest cultural shift I've seen during the 30 years I've worked in education (parents' views of their kids' abilities, how they communicate that to their kids, and how that shapes the kids themselves).

I absolutely believe we are creating a generation of narcissists.

Yes, yes, yes!

I have not read the linked article, but I have been teaching for many, many years. I have always believed that self worth comes from self and risk, and shameless praise hurts self worth over the long haul.
Case in point: I teach pre-k. I work hard to NOT blindly praise kids' work. This is getting so frustratingly difficult lately, as kids just cannot assess their own work without an adult's input

Child: Look at my painting. Do you like it?
Me: You used a lot of colors. Do you like it?
Child: Do you?
Me: I want to know what you think of it
Child: Is it the prettiest painting you've ever seen?
Me: Do you think it is the prettiest painting you've ever seen?
Child: Do you?
Me: I hope you like it
Child: Am I the best artist ever?
Me: Do you think you are the best artist ever?
Child: Do you?

And at some point I just say enough already to myself and say, "I really like it" or "You are a terrific artist"...or whatever, and I want to punch myself in the face in failure when the child turns around and says, "But am I the BEST artist ever?"

At that point I want to punch the parents.
This is repeated to infinity each and every day.

Yes and no.

I think there is a balance to be reached between praising a child's abilities and elevating a child's work above what is appropriate. I think we all want better for our kids than what we had, and we want them to achieve because we feel that is how they will be successful and fulfilled in life. We just take it too far sometimes.

I am so totally an "everybody gets a participation ribbon" kind of person. I am a terrible judge at things like dance and art because I want to give one kid a "great use of color" award and another a "put on my brave face after I fell" award and another a "I showed up when I didn't want to" award. I like to see the winner in every person, especially children. It's just my nature. And it isn't how competition goes.

But what I've learned is that I don't have to treat life like a competition. My DD is not the best ballerina in her studio but she dances with heart, so I tell her I could really see her giving it her best and that she has great passion in the studio, and I tell her she dances so beautifully. She isn't the best dancer and I don't tell her she is. I tell her I can see her heart when she gives it her best - and I love it.

She's not the smartest kid in her school, either, but I tell her I am proud of every achievement and every effort. I am proud of her when she does her best and you better believe I will celebrate every effort even if the result is mediocre. Which it sometimes is. But if she goes in there and gives it a solid try? I will celebrate it like a gold medal. Why wouldn't i? Not every piece of art or test score or project will be the best ever. I've told her many times that it won't always be and doesn't need to be the best - it just has to be her best effort. 

I also tell her when other kids do things great - when I notice another dancer in her class master a step, when a friend of ours has an achievement in school. We celebrate other people's achievements too. We give out a lot a lot a lot of compliments.

I want to instill in her a sense of her own greatness. Because she is great - she's just not always the best at stuff. But I don't want herself to be her only focus. There is greatness in compassion and the ability to encourage others even at your own expense just as much as there is greatness in achievement. I think kids are healthiest when they can have both.

Here is a different article that is a little less...what's the word? I don't know. But it is a little bit more about the study.

I think this is interesting. Because I distinctly recall my grandmother complaining all the time about your generation. Your generation didn't value tradition, you were going to doom the very fabric of our society.  

And your parenting skills. Oy. Drugs, sex and rock n roll. Kids of the 80's were a disaster all thanks to your generations lack of parenting skills. You let us listen to rock and watch Madonna on MTV for crying out loud. What on earth were you thinking!? 

This whole conversation is a bit like "who's on first" and doesn't teach a preschooler natural discussion, IMHO.   Why couldn't you just reply "what's important is that you like it" when they first ask?

Mine lived down the street. LOL. My poor parents heard it all. And also I heard my mom talking with other moms about how "other people" allowed these things but *they* did not.  

Tangent: there's research that indicates that fathers more often view their children as extensions of their own egos than do mothers. So, fathers are more apt to perceive themselves as flawed if their child is flawed. I originally read this in the context of parents' reactions to a child with a disability. Mothers tend to view the disability as separate from their own identity; therefore, they're often more willing to seek diagnosis and services. 

This is old literature - maybe 25-30 years? In my experience, it certainly rings true - often, not always - with parents of my disabled students. But professionally, personally, and socially, I don't see much of a gender difference in parents who have very high opinions of their non-disabled kids. I wonder if there's any new research about parent gender as it relates to children as extensions of one's ego. 

(I feel like I'm following you around this board today.  )

Exactly. This kind of thinking has gone on since the beginning of mankind. Each generation feels the younger one is too spoiled, too soft, too crazy, too much not like them. And it goes on and on.

My grandmother taught me when we give too much feedback to children they hear us rating and defining them. What they need to learn is to measure and define themselves to have self worth. In other words, Self worth can't be given to a child. My daughter dances and I watch the other parents praising effort and looking for something to point out and positive to say.
While I understand their intent is good hearted-I still feel they are teaching the child to look outside for reinforcement instead of intrinsically growing and feeling worthy. Does that lead to narcissism? I am not sure ...but I think it hinders them from learning to feel comfortable in their own skin. I still reach out to my kids positively however I weigh my words and do try to not over use the good job/good effort phrases I hear so often from other parents.

This really resonates with me, our son was recently diagnosed on the autism spectrum and dh at first was very skeptical of the diagnosis and now that he's been taking ds to speech therapy and ot, he often comes back and describes how the only reason ds isn't able to do something is because we have failed as parents. I don't understand why he feels that way when it's entirely possible that ds just has trouble learning some of the things that for naturally for other children... He also learned some things really early, like numbers because that was more interesting to him than other words. I really see it as my son has different strengths than other kids and dh makes it sound like we've been terrible parents. My friend even pointed it out saying that dh's parents must have have been really negative and that's why dh is really hard on himself about something that just happened that is not really our fault.

That aside I do wonder if the trophy for everyone was really a disservice, I won two awards in middle school and they took the plaque away and discontinued the awards because they said it hurt the self esteem of those who did not win, whereas I was thinking aren't those things supposed to motivate you to try to win the award if you want one that much?

In the abstract, as an over-generalization? Yes, we already have. They are commonly called Millenials.

Don't even get me started.