Jenjie reporting in after vacations

I think it was scrapmaven who said I needed a vacation. I had two.

First was away with friends, my BFF/mentor and her family at a Christian conference center. That was only a week and a half after Fred's funeral. This trip was supposed to be for our whole family but instead was me and the kids.

I thought/hoped that would be when I would fall apart, it was a safe place with my friend and her husband (assistant pastor) prepared to walk me through. That didn't happen. I was still mostly numb but my feelings started waking up. One day I felt like every single thing that I heard was filtered through the last 8 months of my life. Or all about Fred. Instead of just taking things at face value or just letting them roll past me. It was bizarre. all these thoughts wanted to attach themselves to me negatively. I had to make a choice to allow them to overtake me and pull me into the mud, or brush them off like the nuisances they were.

One night at the dinner table a guy was sharing about this turning point in his marriage, a God thing that had taken it from good to great, he and his wife were finally on the same page about serving God etc. He was all excited and I was truly thrilled for him but I was dying inside. Because what he was describing was exactly what I wanted and what I prayed for. That was supposed to be us.

I went to the restroom and cried for what was not to be. Truly although my prayers were not answered in the way I expected or wanted, they were answered completely. Fred had a turnaround but there was no time to walk it out.

My girlfriends were amazing, they cried and prayed and talked with me and helped me get my head on straight.

Overall that week was profitable. Spiritual and emotional battles fought but I learned some things and by the grace of God I came out on top. This was the week I talked myself into doing the zip line.

My kids had a great time. Ds10 had a great time. His biggest dilemma was too many good options happening at the same time, and how can I do it all? My teens had a good time hanging out together and with a friend from church who is staying there this summer. They were "friendly" before but got really chummy that week.

We had 3 weeks at home - I mentioned trying to help at VBS but that was a bust. Too difficult. Last week we went to Chincoteague, VA with Fred's parents and his sister and family. I don't know what I was thinking. It was so so hard. Going away with his family. BIL driving Fred's truck. It was all wrong. He was supposed to be there. Sil said "we're YOUR family too." That's nice and all but that wasn't my point.

The kids had an absolute blast. The teens had the perfect *semblance* of freedom. They rode bikes all over, went kayaking and in the ocean and pretty much felt very free and independent. They went everywhere with their cousins, who are just their cousins who they have a great time with. However these cousins are in their twenties. Adults. So my kids were not quite as independent as they think they were. But that's our little secret.

The day we arrived I ended up having a huge breakdown. I sent everyone to dinner without me. They were gone maybe 4 hours, during which time I cried, prayed and slept. One of my gfs called, I talked to her just long enough to have her pray with me. And she promised if I needed her to come get me she make the 5 hour trip. Yesterday she told me, "I told my dh I might have to go to VA if Jen needs me. He said ok." <3. I had friends checking on me every day.

Fred's family did a good job of giving me space. I participated in some things but not everything. DS had his 17th birthday while we were away and everyone made sure he felt celebrated.

I had one or two really good days but the rest was so hard. Every day brings some new realization, things that will never be again and other things that will never ever be. Tears and heartache. A lot of time spent with God. I would come broken and almost every time I would flip open my bible asking for something and he would give me exactly what I needed in that moment. Still hard but so comforting.

In other news, Fred's softball team won the championship. They dedicated the season and the win to him. I wasn't quite sure how to feel. It was nice that they honored him, and really he doesn't care about ball games any more but all I could think was that it was a shame he didn't get to experience the win.

I mentioned before that the stuff about Fred's retirement was up in the air because while he got his 20 years in (thanks to coworkers donating leave time!) he died one day before his projected retirement date. Praise God everything went through, our benefits and pension are taken care of. Fred hated his job up til the past few years. The only reason he stayed with it was to provide for us. And he has. He would say it was worth it.

Now it's a mad rush before school starts. We have a few fun days planned but other than that I need to start getting my house in order.


ETA

Aw cr@p I knew it was coming at some point but I'm beginning to feel like a faucet. The tears just keep coming.