Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Aug 23, 2015 23:18:51 GMT
My old college friend and I just now put a pin in our relationship, with the option to get in touch as needed/desired in the future, and I feel total relief plus a bit of sadness. I've known her for 25 years, she was in my wedding...but the past few years we have just grown apart and I will admit I have had a bad attitude toward her for months. I can't be the friend she needs me to be and I definitely feel she can't be the friend I would like her to be. Way too much water under the bridge to write about here...I'm just sitting here feeling relieved/sad and wondering if anyone else has had to do this with a friend. I guess sometimes you just grow apart from people. Why is friendship so hard? In my experience, it's harder than marriage. I need a hug!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 23, 2015 23:21:45 GMT
Oh, that's too bad, and sad. I find every friendship a treasure. Something I don't really want to let go of, but sometimes when people do things, it's best to move on.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 15:41:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2015 23:22:19 GMT
I've had to walk away from a dear friend before. It was the best thing for me. It was about a year later that I ran into her and we decided to have dinner. And of course, all the things that I loved about her were still there and we resumed friendship with the same intensity as before.
What I didn't think about was, were the issues still there that caused me to walk away the first time? They were..and our friendship crashed and burned in the most awful way.
If you do "pause" the friendship, please tread carefully when resuming it.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 23, 2015 23:25:21 GMT
(((hugs))))
Friendships can be so hard sometimes.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 23, 2015 23:27:18 GMT
It is tough but sometimes you reconnect and the friendship resumes and is even stronger.
I had this happen with my BFF. We had been friends for about 10-12 years at the time and she did something that crossed the line. Essentially she tried to make me choose between her and my now XH. I chose him. We didn't speak for 2 years. Later I happened to move into the same subdivision she already lived in. She drove right by my house every day on the way home from work. One day I was out and all of the sudden she whipped into the driveway, flew out of her car and ran up to me apologizing. It was a little awkward at first but within no time we were BFFs again and we are still friends today. At this point we've been friends for over 40 years and she has never come close to crossing that line again.
Good luck.
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 23, 2015 23:27:12 GMT
((((hugs))))
What's that saying about friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime? I think of this often as I lament my lack of friends.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 23, 2015 23:28:13 GMT
I've never officially "broke up" with a friend but I've had friendship that just drifted apart and neither person tried to fix it to we just left it at that.
*hugs*
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
Jun 26, 2014 16:09:34 GMT
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Post by brandy327 on Aug 23, 2015 23:29:22 GMT
Hugs to you!! I agree - friendships are VERY difficult.
I've shared here a couple of times that I had a friend that was like a sister to me. I've known her for 13 years (met her on a due-in board when we were pregnant at the same time) and while we live 800 miles apart, our families have spent time together. I love her...have since we met. We had a huge falling out almost 2 years ago to the point where I didn't ever expect to talk to her again. It was SO hard. I missed her like crazy...missed her family but I just figured what was done was done. It took months and months where I didn't think about her every time I turned around...or didn't cringe when someone mentioned the state she lived in or how she was doing. I was finally getting to a somewhat new normal and my FIL passed away in February of this year. She emailed me her condolences (she was still in contact with my MIL which is how she found out about FIL's passing). I was shocked and at the time, I had no desire to reconnect with her at all. I sent a quick and very direct, thanks for the condolences email back but nothing more. About a month and a half later, a week before my birthday, she emailed me and said she didn't want to add any negativity to my bday, so she was sending her wishes a week early. It took me a little while to decide how to respond. I missed her so I immediately wanted to write back but I thought about it for a while. In the end, I did write back to her and we now text again. I decided the only way that our friendship could proceed was to really start over. I couldn't have any expectations from her and vice versa. We still haven't talked on the phone yet...maybe we never will. I don't know. But no expectations.
I hope at some point you and your friend can find some neutral ground. My friend and I didn't really talk much about the bad stuff that went down when we had our falling out. We just decided that what was done was done and we had a bit of a friendship hiatus. It's hard sometimes because I'd love to pick right up where we'd left off before the falling out. But I can't. We need to find a balance somehow. I just keep telling myself, no expectations.
Lots of hugs coming your way!
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Post by tinydogmafia on Aug 23, 2015 23:30:05 GMT
(((Hugs)))
Sometimes friendships can be hard. I hope it works out for you both. Hang in there!
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jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,530
Jun 26, 2014 21:55:15 GMT
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Post by jayfab on Aug 24, 2015 0:28:04 GMT
(((hugs))) I know what you mean.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Aug 24, 2015 0:37:04 GMT
(((Hugs)))
Yes, I have had to do the same thing with one of my best friends who was like a sister to me. It is so hard but for the best.
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Belle
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,309
Jun 28, 2014 4:39:12 GMT
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Post by Belle on Aug 24, 2015 0:37:50 GMT
(((Hugs)))
Yes, I have had to do the same thing with one of my best friends who was like a sister to me. It is so hard but for the best.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 15:41:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2015 0:38:45 GMT
I'm sorry. It's a hard decision. My kids are too much for me to do anything else but what is required. I also feel I can't be the friend I need to be, so I'm letting friendships go as well.
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Post by padresfan619 on Aug 24, 2015 0:40:50 GMT
I have had to do that before. I still see her at events since we have mutual friends and live in the same city. Luckily we are able to be civil and friendly, it is much easier now that we are a bit more removed from each others lives
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Aug 24, 2015 0:45:14 GMT
Friendships are relationships and they are hard and sometimes you just need to "breakup". I guess the positive is you do have some sense of relief, but of course sadness because of grieving the loss of part of it that was good. But when it is that hard, it is time to let go. Each day that goes by may make it better. Hang in there!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 24, 2015 0:55:20 GMT
my friend has terminal cancer and I admit sometimes I need a break from all of it. She doesn't have extended family here and I find myself feeling guilty if I don't give give give, mostly my time. I'm not the most social person so it at times it becomes a huge chore. And of course, then I feel bad because she didn't choose this life change. I recognize my shortcomings, but that's sometimes not enough to overcome them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 15:41:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2015 1:09:39 GMT
Mystie, that seems like a mature approach, to "put a pin in it" for later. That's what I was trying to do with an old friend who keeps harassing me and insisting that I talk to her - but I'm taking a long breather for an ironic reason: she doesn't respect boundaries (obviously), and she went several years having zero time for me and telling me I was too boring to worry about keeping up with anyway. I'm not even kidding. And I was in kind of a medium grade personal crisis at the time. Well, now she has time for me, but unfortunately for her, I'm over it. I wish she'd put a pin in it, but she's been so obnoxious wanting to resolve EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW that I've had to block her everywhere. I wish she'd grow up and deal with some productive silence for a few years so we could go back to the friendship later and see if there's anything there. Alas, that's no longer a possibility. This is the short version of the story, but I think putting things on pause is a great idea that acknowledges growing apart without burning the bridge.
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Post by flanz on Aug 24, 2015 1:29:10 GMT
I've never officially "broke up" with a friend but I've had friendship that just drifted apart and neither person tried to fix it to we just left it at that. *hugs* same here. and hugs to you!
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 24, 2015 2:00:05 GMT
((hugs)) That's tough. So sorry.
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Post by tallgirl on Aug 24, 2015 2:42:39 GMT
I'm curious - if you're open to sharing - how did you go about putting things on pause? Was it a mutual decision? Did you talk about it as such?
I've never done this but I've had a few friendships simply fade away, and then it feels like too much time has passed to rekindle if/when circumstances change. I'm just interested to hear another approach to it.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 24, 2015 3:34:27 GMT
Yes, I've had this happen to me a couple of times. It's always hard, but sometimes it's the best thing to do. Just like romantic relationships, friendships can change and the people can grow apart.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 24, 2015 3:34:56 GMT
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Aug 24, 2015 3:47:32 GMT
I'm curious - if you're open to sharing - how did you go about putting things on pause? Was it a mutual decision? Did you talk about it as such? I don't mind sharing, but I really don't know how to describe it succinctly. The upshot of the conversation was that she said we obviously didn't feel like the other was a priority any more. Which is true. And I said we'd both had a lot of personal shit happen in the past 18 months (which we have) and maybe we just can't relate to each other anymore and maybe we should try again later. And she said, "You know where to find me." And I left it at that because I honestly just can't deal with her any more. I care about her and want all the best for her, but she makes me feel like nothing I can do is enough. And so I just stopped trying. Meanwhile I feel like she doesn't truly care about me and that I am always the one who has to give. So I think this is for the best. I feel somewhat upset but at peace with it.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 24, 2015 5:07:13 GMT
Don't feel bad about feeling a sense of relief. That just means this "break" is what you want, maybe what you need. Friendships shouldn't be a burden or obligatory. They have their time and sometimes they run their course.
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Post by scrappintoee on Aug 24, 2015 6:04:17 GMT
Awwww....((( hugs ))) Mystie! I'm sure this is so difficult after 25 years!
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Aug 24, 2015 6:38:10 GMT
I have had this happen to me, not with a mutual "pause" but with an ugly fight where she said lots of mean things, and I wouldn't fight back because that's not how I work. I don't fight dirty cause I know words can hurt and you can't take back things you've said in anger. Any who, at the time I was dealing with my Dad slowly losing his battle with cancer and facing losing him, and it was hard and sad, and she was preparing to have a vowel renewal with her husband and we where just on 2 different pages. Honestly it was a relief not to worry about her and nurturing our friendship cause it took everything I had to keep myself together for my husband and kids as I lost my dad. I had nothing left to give during that time.
She did reach out about a year later and we have now became friends again. I now see her allot more clearer and know how she works from the inside out. I know what's behind what she did to me, cause I've seen her do it to other people in her life. I love and except her with all her faults as she does me.
So it is possible to come back from a pause and have that friendship there, if not stronger. I consider them growing pains!
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 24, 2015 12:15:42 GMT
((((hugs)))) What's that saying about friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime? I think of this often as I lament my lack of friends. ^^This. Sometimes they all blend together. I have found that sometimes I hang on to friendships or even try to rekindle friendships solely because of how long we were friends. There is something about saying, "We've been friends since childhood (or whenever)" But people change, the things that brought us together and kept us together change, and sometimes life makes you move on even when you don't want to. Put on Idina Menzell singing, "Let it Go" and play it over and over belting it out in your house. You'll feel better!
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Post by peasapie on Aug 24, 2015 12:29:36 GMT
The fact that you are feeling relief is a sure sign you needed space. I've done the same thing and taken off a couple of years. It's easier to change some dynamics when you re-friend after a couple of years.
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Post by Meri-Lyn on Aug 24, 2015 12:40:52 GMT
With mine, we just drifted apart. It wasn't one thing that caused a rift or anything. Just living separate lives. We catch up every once in a while, and there is no animosity or anything like that. We just headed in different directions. I think the biggest thing was our views on marriage were very different. I looked for a soulmate and a partner (which I got.) She "settled" for a glorified sperm donor. It's sad, he does love her (and I think fundamentally, she loves him), but she treats him like crap! She basically bullies him. I just didn't want to witness that anymore. So, I kept my distance.
Funny, that's the first time I've actually said that out loud. Feels strangely cathartic, actually.
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Aug 24, 2015 15:16:29 GMT
You know what?! She knows where to find you too! I'm sorry she's being like this to you. Doesn't seem like she's being all that good a friend to you. Is her name Felicia?
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