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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 20:04:18 GMT
My mother is very negative and it's exhausting. She approaches everything from the angle that it will go wrong, it will be horrible and no she can't do it. She suffers from mild depression and I get that this colours her thoughts but I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I can literally feel the joy being sucked out of me and I'm starting to think she's right, what exactly is the point of trying to be positive?
How do you cope with people who are this negative?
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Post by Zee on Aug 30, 2015 20:08:24 GMT
I don't think my usual strategy, avoidance, will work for you since you live with her. A play list full of upbeat music coupled with a good run, or walk even, helps a lot to restore positive energy if someone has drained me.
Make her watch a Golden Girls marathon, I defy her not to laugh!
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Post by peasapie on Aug 30, 2015 20:17:17 GMT
I was going to say, "avoid" until I read that it's your mom. I think that kind of misery feeds on itself and can be a bad habit. I wonder if you could tell her just how exhausting it is to be around it. Maybe it will help her stop the negativity around you-and maybe even get her out of a rut.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 20:22:04 GMT
I didn't realize you live with her so that will change what options are available, like avoidance is going to be harder.
Try keeping a "it worked!" journal.
Every time you start a project or have an issue that she says won't work or otherwise is a downer about, write it down and date it. Then when the project or issue is successfully resolved, comes to an end and the sky didn't fall record that too and the date. Celebrate it in some small way. Keeping a visual record of the successes will help you keep your emotional head above the depression drowing line. I don't know why you live with her but it may be time to find a different living arrangement of one of you so you don't get sucked into your own negativity/depression ruts.
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Post by wallyagain on Aug 30, 2015 20:23:36 GMT
I could never live with my mother for this exact reason. She's the drama queen, the world is so horrible, on and on and on. My weekly calls are more than enough.
I'm sorry, it's so hard.
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Aug 30, 2015 20:27:51 GMT
Hugs from me as my mother is the same way. She also complains about every. little. thing. It is very exhausting.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 30, 2015 20:28:21 GMT
There are a couple people in the extended family who think everything is bad if it's not in the norm. I've had to listen to months of negative reactions to what we're doing. I just roll my eyes and laugh it off. Unfortunately, I don't think that's very easy to do when you live with them. So frustrating. Is there any way to change the living arrangements?
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Post by miranda on Aug 30, 2015 20:28:54 GMT
I've had this conversation with my mother, she says she cannot help it, it is the way she is. She's very much a glass half full type person. I think maybe the conversation helped some as I guess I get that she can't help it and maybe she makes an effort to control it as I don't notice it as much.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2015 20:52:12 GMT
Sadly I can't change the living arrangements, my home is in Ireland and I'm here looking after her. It was only meant to be short term but it's been eighteen months already. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm here til the bitter end (so to speak) and I'm happy to care for her while she needs me, I just wish she could see some joy in life. I've tried talking to her but it seems to fall on deaf ears, I'm sure she's of the mind that since she's miserable everyone else should be too. It's like living with an emotional vampire!!
I had coffee with a friend yesterday and had such a good laugh, I felt lighter and happier when I got back. I guess I have to hold on to that feeling and not let the negativity win.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 30, 2015 20:55:56 GMT
I am a positive, glass 1/2 full person. I won't be brought down by others negativity, but as I get older I find I have less patience listening to it. I either don't engage or cut them off at some point. Life is way to short now that I've hit 50 to deal with other people's misery.
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Post by saralovesducks on Aug 30, 2015 21:58:24 GMT
My mom is the same. Sadly I have no good advice for you. With my mom, sometimes it works to get her out of the house for a coffee and talk about funny things my cat do, how happy I am with my boyfriend/life (even if I'm not because some tiny stupid first world problem) and kind of shoving so much positivity in her face in the end she has to cheer up. Sometimes my dad takes her dancing and that works, too. "Distracting" her from the negative thoughts works but it is hard. The distracting thing also works for coping myself, like coffee with a friend, like you mentioned, and also reading.
My sister is just like her and when I lived at home sometimes they sucked all the happy out of me. She went to a psychologist (my mom made her, even though she refuses to go herself) and after a few sessions they dismissed her. The psychologist said if she didn't want to get better, she just wouldn't, and to come back when the desire to heal was stronger than the fear to abandon "her ways". Funny thing is my grandma is also the same, and she drives my mom crazy, but my mom doesn't see the resemblance. She acts all offended if we point it out. *sigh*
Hang in there and lots of hugs. I wish I had better tips for you. It is exhausting and hard.
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Post by alissa103 on Aug 30, 2015 22:01:23 GMT
That's hard since you live with her.  With people like that it starts to become kind of a joke with myself. I will literally have to hold in a laugh when they start up. And then other times I can't help it and say stuff like, "Gosh mom, that really stinks. But at least you're pretty!" or something like that to try to be silly and get them to lighten up. It doesn't always work, but I often just can't stand it and have to do something! I feel for you. It really gets old. |
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Post by dulcemama on Aug 30, 2015 22:24:10 GMT
DH is a bit this way - classic case of opposite attract. This will sound sort of counter-intuitive but, in a mindful way I often find that if I really listen to him, in a mindful way, he feels heard and understood and he has less of a need to talk about the negative. Plus we feel closer which is a possitive. It doesn't change his personality but it makes things more manageable.
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Aug 30, 2015 22:58:48 GMT
How difficult living in the same house with such a negative person, it CAN get to you.
I, too, would say 'just avoid' to the extent that you can. But let her know why. For example, do have a talk with her and let her know that you have decided to block out negativity, for your own mental well-being. Tell her gently but in a no-nonsense way that if she starts in with the negativity, you WILL remove yourself from her presence by going into another room away from her, going for a walk, a drive, etc. And follow through, or else it will never stop. Be sure she understands when you are leaving her presence because of the negativity that she knows why. That her sitting alone there is a consequence that she created. Trust me, if you stick to this, she will eventually get the drift. And if she doesn't for some reason, at least you aren't being subjected to the nonsense.
It goes along the lines of "We teach people how to treat us."
My mom is judgmental, gossipy, backhandedly insulting and drama filled. It has gotten to the point where I just had to TEACH her that she could be that way if she wanted to but I was not having any part of it anymore. If it was more important for her to be that way than to be around me, ok. When she starts up on the phone for example, I will say, "I don't do drama." or "What cousin Carrie is doing is not my business and I don't even care." If she would continue I would say, "Well, gotta go, bye." and hang up. Seriously it seems mean to do that but eventually the first warning would make her knock it off. Now most times we talk, I don't even need to warn her. But I have made it clear I am NOT playing that game.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by melanell on Aug 31, 2015 0:09:40 GMT
Hugs! I have no advice, but I feel for you, I really do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2015 0:16:35 GMT
Sadly I can't change the living arrangements, my home is in Ireland and I'm here looking after her. It was only meant to be short term but it's been eighteen months already. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm here til the bitter end (so to speak) and I'm happy to care for her while she needs me, I just wish she could see some joy in life. I've tried talking to her but it seems to fall on deaf ears, I'm sure she's of the mind that since she's miserable everyone else should be too. It's like living with an emotional vampire!! I had coffee with a friend yesterday and had such a good laugh, I felt lighter and happier when I got back. I guess I have to hold on to that feeling and not let the negativity win. I don't really have any advice as such @bumpsy but could you not make the " coffee with a friend" a standing "date" every couple of days or something. I know it's not the ideal solution but at least it will give you a bit of me time to re-charge the batteries for the next round of negativity. I hope I've explained that in the right way  |
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Post by femalebusiness on Aug 31, 2015 0:19:43 GMT
When she starts you could scream negativity alert! Negativity alert! Then stick you fingers in your ears and sing La La La La!
Seriously, that would be very difficult to live with and exhausting to call her out on it every time. I probably would just walk out of the room everytime she starts up.
ETA: Do what happymomma says.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Aug 31, 2015 0:25:09 GMT
I learned to do two things:
1. Tune them out. Literally stop hearing them. If they complained I wasn't listening, I would say, "You are correct. I can't hear whining." (Just like I did with kids that whine. Can't hear you, ladeeda.)
2. Laugh. Honestly, at a certain point, I just had to laugh. People like that can be so freaking ridiculous. A gorgeous sunny day and it's, "You know, some people are allergic to sunlight." And that was it. I just burst out laughing. Then it all pretty much became funny. Once I learned to laugh, I was free of the burden of their negativity.
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 31, 2015 0:27:15 GMT
First, you need more visits w/the friends who make you smile. It's important to balance out your mother's negativity. Be direct w/your mom. Tell her how her negative attitude makes you feel and how it brings down the house. Mostly, stay positive anyway. It's hard to be happy when you're living w/someone who is depressed, but I think she's negative, in part because she's allowed to live that way and of course, depression. Is your mom an attention seeker? Would she consent to therapy? If not, can you at least talk to her about having her doctor prescribe a mild anti-depressant? Being bummed out may be her comfort zone, but it doesn't have to be yours. Take care of yourself first. When mom is in a negative mood go do something you enjoy and let her stew. What are her hobbies if any? If she doesn't have any would she be willing to take up a hobby or two that she can do at home if she's too ill to go out?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2015 0:30:00 GMT
My grandma was like that and a bit of it rubbed off on me. I am still working to overcome depression but these things help me:
1) Keep a gratitude journal and list at least five things you were grateful for that day. If you pray, also express it in prayer.
2)I'm more mindful of the shows and movies I watch. I try to avoid dramas and anything with negative energy (which is hard because I love shows like Castle and Law&Order).
3) Spend time in nature every day. Even if it's just admiring the sunset.
4) Exercise if you can. Even a walk around the block will increase your endorphins. Even better if you bring a friend.
5) Spend time with as many positive friends as possible.
These are tailored to you living with her because I truly get it. Also just surround yourself every day with good, positive energy. Sometimes it's reading a good book.
Service also helps a lot. I know you're already doing it for your mom but if you can take a break and volunteer somewhere it makes a huge difference and brings you and others joy.
Also don't underestimate the importance of self care when you care for others. It's not selfish but needful to pamper yourself whether through massage or your favorite thing.
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happymomma
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Post by happymomma on Aug 31, 2015 2:52:07 GMT
My grandma was like that and a bit of it rubbed off on me. I am still working to overcome depression but these things help me: 1) Keep a gratitude journal and list at least five things you were grateful for that day. If you pray, also express it in prayer. 2)I'm more mindful of the shows and movies I watch. I try to avoid dramas and anything with negative energy (which is hard because I love shows like Castle and Law&Order). 3) Spend time in nature every day. Even if it's just admiring the sunset. 4) Exercise if you can. Even a walk around the block will increase your endorphins. Even better if you bring a friend. 5) Spend time with as many positive friends as possible. These are tailored to you living with her because I truly get it. Also just surround yourself every day with good, positive energy. Sometimes it's reading a good book. Service also helps a lot. I know you're already doing it for your mom but if you can take a break and volunteer somewhere it makes a huge difference and brings you and others joy. Also don't underestimate the importance of self care when you care for others. It's not selfish but needful to pamper yourself whether through massage or your favorite thing. Those are really good suggestions, not just for the OP but for anyone dealing with negativity or even just "blah" feelings. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 31, 2015 4:02:57 GMT
It's so hard when you live with the person 24/7, there is no relief from it so you have to build that relief into your life when you can. I agree with those who suggested to try to make a standing coffee date with a friend or friends that will lift your spirits on a more regular basis. I know that when I spend time with my friends or am able to schedule a weekend getaway, we all laugh so much and have a great time catching up and talking. You DO feel lighter, so do that more. Are there any other things in your life that make you feel that way? If so, do those things more too.
If your mom is just ornery and isn't suffering from dementia, you could try what I sometimes do with my kid when she's behaving like a Negative Nellie which is to repeat exactly what she is saying back to her. If she is crying or whining at me, I literally repeat what she has just said back to her, in the exact same whiny obnoxious voice, until she just busts out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, which inevitably happens because she realizes just how ridiculous she sounds! Sometimes I think people don't realize how obnoxious they sound until you parrot it back to them. (FTR, it doesn't work with people with Alzheimer's because I tried it with my mom and she would just get confused! With her, we had to just redirect, redirect, redirect all.day.long. Lather, rinse, repeat...)
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on Aug 31, 2015 4:15:50 GMT
Is there something that your mom does enjoy doing? or even small pleasures like a favourite drink or snack and watching reruns of a favourite TV show? (some of my most treasured memories with my granny was sitting at her kitchen table eating toast and watching I Love Lucy reruns).
My mom loves to worry about stuff. She'll invent stuff to worry about if there isn't something going on in her life she can make into a huge drama.
Since you can't physically leave your mother, can you create a little mom-free zone in you private area of the house where you can go and drink your favourite beverage, watch funny videos, read a book, and relax?
My mom likes to tell people she's "helping" me and dh with our chronic illness. She only does what she wants to do and is always in a hurry because of her dog, which gets treated better than the people in her life. I can't let her take me clothes shopping, which I truly need to do, because she keeps nagging me about spending money. So we go do stuff she likes, like going to thrift shops, and getting something to eat. It makes her happy, so I do this a few times a month. That's the only time I see her. She whines about not getting to see me because I'm sick, but she has never come over and just stayed at my house or helped out around my house, which I desperately need.
The only way I can keep her in my life is to limit my exposure. I really like the idea of leaving the room when your mom goes on a negative spiral. I did that when my mom would try to berate my dad in my presence. If I could leave, I did. If I couldn't I'd change the subject, and if she didn't get the hint, I'd tell her to just stop.
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Post by JoP on Aug 31, 2015 7:54:14 GMT
My mum is the same as well, and yes it is exhausting. I think my Mum is scared and frightened of what the future holds. She hates the fact that she's not able to physically do what she has in the past and gets frustrated that I do it for her and her body is ageing. I just keep being "Polly Positive" which is hard. I also try and encourage her to try a small part of what she says won't work and when it does, I see if she'll try the next bit. Sometimes the small sense of achievement makes her want to see what else she can do. Sometimes she just stubbornly refuses to event attempt or listen, at which point I leave the room and make a hot drink - there's lots of tea drinking!  If you can arrange a couple of meet ups with your friends each week to give you some time and social life that may help. Would you Mum attend a club for senior citizens or a church group for retired people so she can talk to people her own age and maybe see things could be a lot worse! (((Hugs))) |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2015 9:09:59 GMT
Thank you for all the suggestions of how to cope, there's some very good ideas here that I can work on. A lot of the time I do just leave the room when she starts, then she sulks, then it takes a lot of cajoling to get her back on side again. That in itself is tiring so I must learn to handle it better.
I will be going out for coffee once a week, even if it's just me and a book I will give myself that afternoon to get away from it.
I'm starting a Pilates or Yoga class next week (need to decide which one).
I will discuss with her again about going to a day centre, she needs to have some social side to her life but she can't see it.
I made an appointment with my doctor last week to discuss my health and some long term strategies for dealing with this situation. I am struggling, I am becoming increasingly down and it's scary.
I think the same is true with my Mum, it's sad and so difficult to see them like this.
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Post by gailoh on Aug 31, 2015 11:28:00 GMT
Ear buds...can you download books that you enjoy? Music...self improvement...encouragement...you get the idea and as much as you love her...tell her to knock it off...that it is enough, you love her but this is unacceptable ... I really hope you find a way to resolve this, it isn't good for your health...hugs ps...and you can always come here... |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 31, 2015 12:16:39 GMT
I see by your last post that you are already making plans to provide yourself more of these opportunities. That should help a lot.
It's good that you are recognizing the toll this is taking on you and being proactive to counteract it. You are in a tough spot. I admire your commitment to caring for your mother, but I'm glad you are trying to balance that with caring with caring for yourself.
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back to *pea*ality
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 31, 2015 12:38:43 GMT
Usually in small doses but if she lives with you that changes the entire dynamic. I think in order for your survival you need to do something so you don't lose it.
I would encourage her to get involved in volunteer work or a hobby that brings her a sense of self accomplishment and ultimately joy. Can she volunteer somewhere?
Perhaps the depression is more than mild and she needs to see a therapist for talk therapy and medication can open up a new world for her.
Negative people create an energy around them that is palpable and most people avoid it and I think it perpetuates a cycle. You know her best and I hope you can guide her to a better place where life is better for you both. Good luck!
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Aug 31, 2015 13:01:46 GMT
Give her 30 minutes a day to whine, with you listening. Actually listening. When time is up it is up. Tell her to save up further complaints until tomorrow's session.
Won't always work but it might help curtail it some.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Aug 31, 2015 13:14:37 GMT
I'm sorry Lainey, really I am. My mother is a worrier whose own mother was a worrier, and she is usually very aware of her own tendency to see the negative side of things before the positive, and works hard not to. She recently broke her hip and I looked after her for just a week (and a few weekends) and she got very negative. I am the upbeat person in a family of worriers, including my own husband. With my Mum, I did the sympathy thing for a lot of days, which she needed. She had a lot to complain about at that point. When it started getting me down, I began pointing out that the last 5 things she had said were looking on the black side, and listed them. I said right, let's find something positive in this. And she realised, and we did. It was like a game. As she healed and was in less pain, she found it easier to look on the bright side again without being reminded, but I know that as she gets older and more ill, this is going to get worse and worse. It worries me.
With my DH, it's a little different. He is Mr Conscience and works mad, crazy hours to get things done right that aren't his responsibility, as well as his own work. He gets very stressed at his lack of leisure time, even though he has partly caused that lack. He gets stressed at the extra work he has to do before and after a holiday away, to the point that it negates the benefits of the holiday. I think he is slightly depressive as well, although he'd never go anywhere to get help. The only way with him that helps is encouraging him to tell me all about it on Friday night and get it off his chest, then big sympathetic hugs, repeat, repeat. If by Sunday he's still being negative, I tell it like it is. Sorry love, this is my weekend too and I need something to cheer me up now. I'm going to {go for a walk/make a card/pop round to a friend's} for an hour without you, and I hope you'll be feeling more positive when I get back. I don't want to ruin the only time off we both have by spending it being miserable. Sometimes that helps put things into perspective for him.
Have you spelled it out to your mother how you feel? That you're happily looking after her but you need her to think more positively while you're there, for her health as well as yours?
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