Is there a way to find out a cause of death?

I think the OP is being beaten up - and (amateur!) psychoanalyzed - unnecessarily. And we sure are reading a lot into the word "need."

My take is that she would really like to hear that it wasn't suicide. That would help her, which is neither selfish nor making the death all about her. And if it WAS suicide, the bolded section of anxiousmom's mom's post explains a lot.

I would imagine all of us have been touched by suicide. None of us owns this issue or has the best answer simply because we have experience as a family member or friend. 

And it's also possible that OP's deceased comrade would have liked her to know what happened. No, we can't know that, but we also can't discount it. 

IMHO you are prying by trying to find information, even if it is public, behind their backs. Information that they would probably prefer to keep private. Or else they would have shared it in a public way. IE: obit or Facebook or wherever. They can't make a death record private, but that doesn't mean they want people prying to find it. It isn't like you need it for genealogy or research. You are trying to find information about someone that their loved ones decided not to share to make yourself feel better. This isn't about you.

I am sorry for your loss. I know I am being harsh, this touched a nerve. 

She said in the original post they decided not to share. I didn't just pull it out of my ass. Why didn't you quote the whole thing? She asked a question and I answered!   Here is what she said, "Please tell me where I have done or said anything that is prying." I wasn't picking on her. Sheesh.

Sorry for your loss scrappyoutlaw. I totally understand wanting to know, and the suicides that have happened in my circle had nothing to do with PTSD - I think it's pretty normal to wonder what happened to people when they die suddenly.

That said, when the family says less than nothing about what happened, that's been my indicator that it was suicide. Later the details were shared, but in the moment, I think the families were shocked and also felt guilt and/or some of the stigma, and so they didn't share the cause right away. I was really impressed with Heidi Swapp's announcement about her son, because the loss is bad enough without also feeling guilty or ashamed.

Anyway, no, there's not really a way to find out except from someone who knows. Complete lack of information is certainly a big hint, though. 17 people are going to post now describing situations where that's not the case and suggesting you not make assumptions - but this has been my experience. Of course be prepared that if the person who tells you what happened was someone who was intimately involved, you might get a lot more details than you want. It's hard to tell someone who is grieving, "TMI".

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I get it too. 100 people can post on this thread that you should butt out and MYOB, but that’s not going to help you. You can’t help how you feel, and if you feel that you “need” to know, I will take your word for it.



A similar situation in a way…… a few months ago a school friend of my DD committed suicide. Whilst the family let people know that it was suicide, they did not disclose “how” he did it. DD and I were talking about it, and I said to her that it really doesn’t make any difference how he did it. But she said that not knowing was actually worse for her and her friends, because they all kept imagining all the worst possible things and it was really preying on their minds. I know it’s not the same as your situation, but I think the feelings of “needing” to know something that the family was not prepared to disclose are the same.



(((Hugs))) to you.

Not every where here you must be a blood relative unless the death was a long time ago. The laws are local ( city / municipality ) laws here and are slightly different in each place, but a death certificate is not publuc record here.

OP it will depend on where the person died and the laws in that place. Look up the website in the town/city ( or county in some places ) the death occurred and there should be directions on how to apply for one, and what is required.

Sorry for your loss

This is not universal. Some places make it very difficult, even when you're related and have a need for the certificate to deal with creditors. The local town hall required that I prove my relationship and knowledge of the date, time and circumstances before they'd release my father's certificate. I had to fill out a log stating why I needed it and then they told me they had 10 days to provide the copies and I'd have to come back - the office was in a different state and a pain to get to. And I needed the certificate to close accounts and such.

OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, and I understand the desire for closure, but I think you should let it go.