Don't lose hope. I'm sharing this to try to help others.

Two weeks ago I was in a lot of pain, more than usual. I was having heart palpitations and felt crummy. My spine also felt like it was the size of a telephone pole. I had been to my primary care doctor who fiddled around with my heart medicine and referred me to UNC, but the referrals take so long to get in. I'm so tired of going from specialist to specialist and not feeling better. 

Chronic pain causes depression, and many times you can have depression without feeling sad. I hadn't been sleeping well and was able to sleep on Sunday afternoon. I didn't wake up until after 9pm, so I was late in taking my medication. Being late with my antidepressant makes me feel really horrible. 

Dh has a knack for starting a "discussion" when I've been late taking this med--he didn't know I hadn't taken it yet. It's just Murphy's law. 

Dh was upset because I had sent his brother a message on Facebook. I was tired of dh trying to have a relationship with his brother and being rebuffed. Dh doesn't discuss it at Christmas because he doesn't want to involve his parents and make them upset since his mom is so sick. I argued that their silence while knowing how strained the relationship is gives the impression that they're ok with everything. They treat BIL like he walks on water anyway because he's in the ministry. I told BIL that I hoped his children never treated each other like he treated my husband. 

When I don't take the med and get riled up, my adrenaline starts pumping and it's hard for me to control my emotions. My psychiatrist says I have brain damage from the stroke, Psuedo Bulbar Affect where my emotions don't match what I'm really feeling, and the MS is also a factor. It's not an excuse for my behaviour, but it is a factor. 

I just lost it and went upstairs to shoot myself. Dh stopped me and called 911. I was so upset, and I was even more upset because I had almost made a horrible decision and had hurt dh so badly. The EMS and cops were very kind and gave me the choice to voluntarily go to a psych hospital. In our country, they don't take you to the ER. They take you to a holding facility and then take you to the hospital when a bed is available. 

I spent a week at the Psych hospital. My doctors changed my meds and kept me to make sure they worked properly since I do react differently to meds because of my brain trauma. The doctor also said that the med I was on wasn't the best fit, and he wasn't surprised at what had happened. I was no longer suicidal. It's like something in my brain snapped and I was suicidal for a few minutes then it went away. I went to the hospital because I knew that something needed to change. 

I was put on 3 new medications and am slowly weaning off the one I was taking. I feel so much better. I never thought I'd feel this good anymore since my MS has gradually taken away so much and kept me from doing so many things I enjoy and has never gone into remission. 

One of the side effects of my meds is that the horrible pain and spasms in my spine have gotten incredibly better. I could barely walk when I entered the psych ward and had no problems walking the halls when I left. I've been able to go to stores and not need a wheelchair or electric cart. I still can't walk long distances, but the difference is extraordinary. 

The psych ward was nothing like you see on TV or hear about. There were people from all walks of life, and the group sessions really helped. I know there's a lot of stigma about mental illness and needing to go to a psych hospital, but I would go again if I needed to because it really did help me so much. 

When I got home, dh got a call from the team in Massachusetts that want him to come work for them. We don't have to move immediately, and dh can work from home in NC for a while and even when we do move, he doesn't have to go into the office every day. They're also going to let him take more time off for his doctors' appointment and the surgery he's been waiting months to have. They're still working out the details, but this is the best news dh has had for several years. It's the answer to so many of our prayers.

I've struggled with sharing this because of how the peas can sometime treat people, but I know I'm not the only one struggling. I hope this helps someone. I truly thought that I would never feel good again and would just get worse and worse. I can't take a lot of meds that help like Lyrica, Valium, Xanax, Gabapentin, or Cymbalta. 

I have so much hope now and am so thankful to my doctors and to God for what He's done in my life and given me hope when my life looked so bleak. 

My aunt was so happy for me, and my mom's not as upset as I thought she'd be. She's not happy, but I never thought she would be. I am going to a new counselor on Monday, and I'm hoping dh will see a counselor as well. His family relationships are really a burden on him. I blocked BIL on Facebook because I can't stand his pious posts when he treats people horrendously--like not talking to his best friend for over a year because his friend and wife dared to miss church one Sunday to take a last weekend trip before their first child was born. He's a huge ass. 

If you feel helpless, call your doctor and go to a psych hospital for a few days and get some rest. I'm so glad that I did this. My thinking is so much clearer since my brain chemicals are even now. I'm sleeping so much better, and my heart palpitations have gone away--low seratonin levels can cause heart arrhythmia. 

I am so happy right now. Dh is happy. There's no problems I can't handle now.