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Jun 18, 2024 12:12:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 17:46:20 GMT
I always tell. And I make no apology for it. No one deserves to be blind-sided by a cheater. If you don't wanna be in the relationship any longer, man up (or woman up) and end it first.
My friends know that if you are a cheater, you better not let me find out because I do not look the other way for anyone.
Also, if you cheat, you will no longer be my friend.
Dh and I are fiercely loyal to each other. If you answer "what would I do if" questions before you actually face the situation, your path is less likely to be clouded when you actually face the situation.
ETA: If the moral ramifications don't nag at you, what about the health implications?
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Post by eebud on Jul 23, 2014 18:05:16 GMT
I have never been in the situation where I knew someone was cheating and had to decide if I was going to tell or not. If I knew that someone was cheating, I do believe that I would tell. I might try to do it anonymously. It would depend on the situation and how well I knew the person being cheated on.
I was in the situation many years ago with a boyfriend. I don't know if there was sex involved but he was definitely messing around with others. I was told and glad I was. The fun part was asking him about it and him getting mad because I knew. At this point in the relationship, I really didn't care anymore. I had broken up with him a number of times and he always came crying (literally) back and I was a sucker for the tears. With this same guy, there was a time in our relationship that I was living out of town for about 6 months. Someone told me that he had been seeing an ex who also happened to be married to someone else. I came into town and he didn't know I was there. There was a group meeting up that night for late night pizza and he was going to be there. I told another mutual friend that I was going to go too. She said, "BF will be VERY surprised to see you". I told her "Yes, I bet he will". (She is not the one who had told me and she didn't know that I knew about him screwing around. I knew he was going to be there with his married ex. The surprise on his face when I walked in was priceless. I never mentioned anything about it to him until many months later during the time that I was trying to get rid of him. Anyway, it never bothered me that I was told. The best thing I ever did was finally get rid of this guy for good as far as a boyfriend went. We are still friendly today.......35 years later. I don't say friends because we don't really stay in touch but we have a great time chatting and catching up when I see him.
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stampinchica
Junior Member
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Jun 26, 2014 23:14:06 GMT
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Post by stampinchica on Jul 23, 2014 18:39:40 GMT
I have never understood the "don't tell, it's not your business" philosophy. If it were a friend of mine, and I knew/saw something that was suspicious, I absolutely would tell my friend. ETA: I would not say "Your husband is having an affair." I would say, "I saw this and thought I should tell you." I can't imagine the double betrayal of not only being cheated on by a spouse but also finding out that others were complicit in it by knowing yet keeping me in the dark. I couldn't forgive a friend who did that to me. This~ I agree!
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Deleted
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Jun 18, 2024 12:12:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 18:41:23 GMT
I've never been in that situation. Well, not really. I'm convinced that my ex has cheated on his current girlfriend but I have no proof other than a few texts he sent me that said he was willing to sleep with me if I'd give him the chance (shut that down quickly). His GF hides in the house or in a different part of the house when I pick up the kids. I could get her number from my DS's phone but I know she won't believe me. And I know a former friend cheated on her husband but it was only based on my ex claiming he slept with her when she came back to town to visit family while her DH was deployed. I don't know her husband and what am I going to say? "Hey, H, my ex said he slept with your wife not too long ago." I've never met him and I know both my former friend and ex have made me out to be this psycho who wants to break everyone up ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/eyesroll.png) Yeah, right. I want to break up your relationship because I hate you that much. ![::)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/eyesroll.png) I'm happily remarried and don't even care about the former friend. I figure those two will get what's coming to them. But since I am not friends with any of them, I'm not going to pass on gossip or rumors. Now if I knew my best friend was being cheated on, I'd say something but only if I was absolutely positive.
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Post by birukitty on Jul 23, 2014 18:48:04 GMT
I wonder if this boils down to:
If you've been cheated on in the past, especially if people knew and didn't tell you would you say now "yes, I certainly would tell". Because that's me. Ex was cheating for 3 years, mutual friends knew and no one told me. It hurt-big time. If I knew a friends husband, BF or SO was cheating on her, yes-I'd absolutely tell her. Why? To give her the advantage. Let her have the news first so she can then make the arrangements she wants to make-big one is get herself to the doctor and get checked out.
If you've never been cheated on in the past, as a Pea are you then more likely to say"no I don't think I would tell, mind your own business".
Does our past reflect our answer?
Debbie in MD.
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Deleted
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Jun 18, 2024 12:12:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 18:54:23 GMT
If I had proof, I would absolutely tell a friend their spouse is cheating. Just as I would want to be told. Why would I get mad the person who told me? I'm pretty sure my ire would be reserved for the person who vowed to be faithful to me.
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Deleted
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Jun 18, 2024 12:12:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 19:06:47 GMT
I wonder if this boils down to: If you've been cheated on in the past, especially if people knew and didn't tell you would you say now "yes, I certainly would tell". Because that's me. Ex was cheating for 3 years, mutual friends knew and no one told me. It hurt-big time. If I knew a friends husband, BF or SO was cheating on her, yes-I'd absolutely tell her. Why? To give her the advantage. Let her have the news first so she can then make the arrangements she wants to make-big one is get herself to the doctor and get checked out. If you've never been cheated on in the past, as a Pea are you then more likely to say"no I don't think I would tell, mind your own business". Does our past reflect our answer? Debbie in MD. I've never been cheated on, but I still think telling is the right thing to do. Not telling is totally counter to the meaning of friendship IMO.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 23, 2014 19:08:55 GMT
I appreciated being told. I would say a good rule of thumb is that you always tell if you KNOW. If you only suspect, next steps depend on your relationship with the person who is being cheated on. You should definitely have a talk with your best friend; a casual acquaintance - probably not.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 23, 2014 19:09:40 GMT
I would totally tell and want to be told. I can't imagine having a relationship with a friend who would keep that from me. I wouldn't want to be friends anymore.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 23, 2014 19:28:00 GMT
I think it really depends on the situation. You have to have proof. And you have to be sure you have the kind of relationship with the friend in question to be confident they'll believe you. I've seen situations where the wife didn't believe it things went bad because she said something to the spouse, along the lines of, 'I heard the most ridiculous rumour today,' and it was the heads up he needed to start socking money and such away. She ended up getting a lot less in the divorce because he was forewarned. He did it in a way that it was untraceable somehow... Swiss bank account? Canary Islands? I don't remember, tbh. But it made the situation worse for her than if she had found out on her own. This guy was arrogant enough that he never would've expected to get caught, so w/o the forewarning of 'You won't believe what A said,' he wouldn't have moved the assets. Heck, he probably wouldn't even have left her, he'd have just kept the wife & kids for appearances & had the girlfriend on the side.
I certainly wouldn't say the woman in the scenario was particularly 'happy' in her marriage, even before she found out. But she was secure, financially. She had stability, and she's one of those women who values that security above everything. So in lots of ways, being told the truth made it worse.
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Post by lbp on Jul 23, 2014 19:36:19 GMT
I would tell and have told before but it back fired. When a co-worker was dating this idiot, we had all gone out to a night club together but she felt ill and had to go home. He came back and started dancing, and kissing, and totally hanging all over other women. We told co-worker about his behavior, he told her we were lying and she believed him and was totally ticked at us and we had a very strained relationship after that. A few years down the road after she had married the douchebag she found out he had been cheating on her with multiple women! Go figure!
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Jul 23, 2014 19:47:15 GMT
I've believe that if they are that good of a friend to you, tell what you know. Then give them space and be there when they need you!
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Jul 23, 2014 19:58:42 GMT
I had a boyfriend who was cheating on me with a friend of mine. I finally figured it out on my own, but once I knew I found out almost everyone we knew as a couple knew about it and didn't say anything. His sister was one of my best friends and she actually told him that if he didn't admit it to me by the next day, she was going to tell me. He didn't, but that's the night I figured it out by coincidence.
His sister and I are still good friends and he and my former friend have been happily married for 25 years, so I guess they truly did belong together, but the way they went about it was pretty sh***y.
I would have liked to have had someone tell me sooner.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by mariemily on Jul 23, 2014 20:51:23 GMT
I've never been in this position but my thought has always been that I would confront douchebag husband first and tell them I was going to rat them out if they didn't fess up. That is all in theory though. In real life circumstances may change how I would really react. I was in that position twice and that's what I did. Both women (both good friends) were really glad to know and also glad that I made sure that their douchebag had no other choice but to confess. If it happens again in the future, I will do the exact same thing and I expect my friends/acquaintances to return the favor if need be. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg)
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Post by cmpeter on Jul 23, 2014 21:15:32 GMT
I haven't been in that situation, but I believe I would tell.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 23, 2014 21:37:32 GMT
I would feel a second betrayal by friends and family who knew and kept silent. In some way, I would also consider the silence tacit approval.
I would confront the cheater and give him the opportunity as a previous poster said.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 23, 2014 21:43:26 GMT
From reading past threads, I thought that the general consensus was if you have really strong personal knowledge -- beyond the rumor mill -- or have witnessed something for yourself, that you should gently approach your friend with what you know. There is always the chance she may drop you as a friend, but that would be the ethical course of action.
There have been some people that pretty much say "never" but most that I've seen seem to think you should in the case described above.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 23, 2014 21:46:05 GMT
I had an idea that a friend's husband was cheating on her, from something a completely innocent third party said. He was an unpleasant contolling type. I told her what I knew, after a period of watching and waiting, when I could be surer of my ground. She wouldn't have it. Much later it came out that he was living a double life, with another family in another city, which confirmed what the third party had said. She remained furious with me and others who were telling her the same. She would have preferred to continue turning a blind eye. ![:deadhorse:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/0QW78KiDyjCOWvDh89PK.jpg)
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Post by Flibbertigibbet on Jul 23, 2014 21:46:51 GMT
I told someone once and he didn't believe me. Years later I asked him about it and he didn't even remember me telling him. I think people are not going to listen unless they are ready to hear. I would still tell.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 23, 2014 21:48:18 GMT
I would absolutely tell. The pain of the betrayal is enougb, but add to that the humiliation that others knew and the mistrust then of friends.
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Gillyflower
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Jul 16, 2014 12:06:56 GMT
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Post by Gillyflower on Jul 24, 2014 11:19:00 GMT
Yes, yes, yes!
I've been in that position (a previous boyfriend) and it was a really horrible time. I can't explain that feeling of absolute betrayal. It was one of the worst moments of my life and even typing this, I don't feel like I'm articulating those feelings well.
I wish someone had told me sooner and I was lucky my friend did and I thank him for it. Maybe I should say that I wish I had listened because now I recall another friend pointing out certain things that weren't right, too. I may not have believed it for 4 months but I appreciated both friends trying to warn me something wasn't right. We are still the best of friends.
I don't think I'd ever not say something and mind my own business. I'd also be prepared for whatever reaction I would get, good or bad. In some cases the friendship may be lost but it would go that way too if they found out you knew and didn't tell them.
Gilly.
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Post by cropaholicnora on Jul 24, 2014 11:35:33 GMT
My ex cheated on me. My neighbor's grandson worked in the same building and told her he was cheating on me. She passed the word on to me, but I didn't believe it until much, much later when I had no choice but to believe it. I'm glad that she tried to tell me and looking back I wish that I had listened. I wasn't ready to believe it or deal with all the upheaval at the time, but I appreciated that she was trying to help me. I would tell if I was pretty sure or thought I could prove it. I would want to be told if I were in that situation again.
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