Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 17:37:10 GMT
OP: I was going to start an anon account to post this, but I really can't be bothered. Please be gentle.  Last week I woke up and realized that I was THE DAY I fell in love with my DH -- SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. (insert incredulous swear words here). I'm not exaggerating when I say that this has seriously messed with my head. I knew that next year (around Sept 2016) is going to mark the point at which DH and I will have been together for MORE than half our lives, which is pretty serious, but this 17 year anniversary of falling in love has seriously made me question everything I'm doing in my life. That's probably a normal reaction, right? Or normal for some people? ETA, sorry for the breakdown. Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate that you are all here, so very much. Going to hang lights on the tree and ice sugar cookie bars. |
|
gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,097
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
|
Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 19, 2015 17:39:15 GMT
Why does it make you question everything you are doing in life?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 17:41:53 GMT
Why does it make you question everything you are doing in life? I am not sure, but I don't want to wake up one morning in 17 or so years from now and realize it's been THIRTY FOUR YEARS gone. |
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Dec 19, 2015 17:44:41 GMT
I've been w/my dh a lot longer than you have been w/yours and I look at it from a different perspective. I am always trying to think up ways to make our relationship closer and more fun. It's exciting to see what makes him happy. I don't look back at what we didn't do. Instead, I look for what we can do as a couple to create those special moments. Have you tried that?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 17:45:22 GMT
I've been w/my dh a lot longer than you have been w/yours and I look at it from a different perspective. I am always trying to think up ways to make our relationship closer and more fun. It's exciting to see what makes him happy. I don't look back at what we didn't do. Instead, I look for what we can do as a couple to create those special moments. Have you tried that? Yes, I have, but he's not interested. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Dec 19, 2015 17:47:19 GMT
Find something you love about each day and write it down. Life does fly when you aren't paying attention. It won't be thirty-four years gone. It will be thirty-four years of being lucky to be in love and having a family. People are lucky to have that. On another similar note, I remember being in college and my friend had a "had my period half my life" party. I guess some people look at time differently than others! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 17:54:33 GMT
Find something you love about each day and write it down. Life does fly when you aren't paying attention. It won't be thirty-four years gone. It will be thirty-four years of being lucky to be in love and having a family. People are lucky to have that. On another similar note, I remember being in college and my friend had a "had my period half my life" party. I guess some people look at time differently than others! I'm pretty good at finding daily joys. It's just the bigger picture stuff I struggle with. |
|
|
|
Post by padresfan619 on Dec 19, 2015 17:59:46 GMT
Why does it make you question everything you are doing in life? I am not sure, but I don't want to wake up one morning in 17 or so years from now and realize it's been THIRTY FOUR YEARS gone. Ouch. This reminds me of something nasty my ex-fiance said to me mid-fight. "I don't want to wake up next to you ten years from now and wonder what happened to my life." Sorry to be a downer, but that statement really stung and has stuck with me all these years later. But I'm glad he said it, since it opened my eyes to how I didn't want to be with someone who felt that way about me. Maybe it is time to have a serious conversation of what you both think your futures look like? |
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 19, 2015 18:00:06 GMT
Why does it make you question everything you are doing in life? I am not sure, but I don't want to wake up one morning in 17 or so years from now and realize it's been THIRTY FOUR YEARS gone. DH and I have been together many more years than we were apart. We met when we were 18 and have been together for 30 years! I don't look at it as years gone, I look at it as YEARS BLESSED. Our life together hasn't been all roses and rainbows, but quite honestly I can't think of any other person I would have preferred to share it with. I hope another 30 years from now, I hope we're both still around so we can look back on our life together and say, "Wow, look at everything we did and this amazing life we had!"  |
|
|
|
Post by gar on Dec 19, 2015 18:00:15 GMT
I remember realising that I'd known/been in a relationship with my dh longer than I hadn't.....and it made me grateful, almost awestruck that we'd come so far together and essentially very happy. We'll be coming up to the 40th anniversary of meeting soon and I just can't imagine not having him in my life. I wish you felt that way too. You sound so unsettled and in turmoil lately but you are young still, honestly, and you have time to work out how to make things right, to make them work for you. Keep asking yourself questions, don't bury whatever it is....dig until you do work out what you want and what will make you happy....then work towards it.
If I'm being too heavy or reading too much into your post, I apologise.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:01:13 GMT
I am not sure, but I don't want to wake up one morning in 17 or so years from now and realize it's been THIRTY FOUR YEARS gone. Ouch. This reminds me of something nasty my ex-fiance said to me mid-fight. "I don't want to wake up next to you ten years from now and wonder what happened to my life." Sorry to be a downer, but that statement really stung and has stuck with me all these years later. But I'm glad he said it, since it opened my eyes to how I didn't want to be with someone who felt that way about me. Maybe it is time to have a serious conversation of what you both think your futures look like? Oh, we have. I'm sorry if you think my feelings/statements are nasty. I certainly don't mean it that way, although I understand how it would be hurtful. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Dec 19, 2015 18:02:13 GMT
Find something you love about each day and write it down. Life does fly when you aren't paying attention. It won't be thirty-four years gone. It will be thirty-four years of being lucky to be in love and having a family. People are lucky to have that. On another similar note, I remember being in college and my friend had a "had my period half my life" party. I guess some people look at time differently than others! I'm pretty good at finding daily joys. It's just the bigger picture stuff I struggle with. I know when I look back there are definitely some good chunks of why am I married months. Raising kids and working makes things even more stressful even though those things are supposed to provide security and joy. Those are the months I remind myself that he is a good guy. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:02:42 GMT
Yeah, I feel guilty for having something that most people are seeking, and not feeling the way gar and crazy4scraps feel. |
|
gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,097
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
|
Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 19, 2015 18:09:49 GMT
I remember realising that I'd known/been in a relationship with my dh longer than I hadn't.....and it made me grateful, almost awestruck that we'd come so far together and essentially very happy. We'll be coming up to the 40th anniversary of meeting soon and I just can't imagine not having him in my life. I wish you felt that way too. You sound so unsettled and in turmoil lately but you are young still, honestly, and you have time to work out how to make things right, to make them work for you. Keep asking yourself questions, don't bury whatever it is....dig until you do work out what you want and what will make you happy....then work towards it. If I'm being too heavy or reading too much into your post, I apologise. Ditto, although for us, I was 18 when I met my husband. So we have been together 32 years. I cannot imagine life without him. Every day has not been exciting, but it's been at least okay. Many days are great. It's just life together. When I think of our ages and time together I don't think oh, in x many years this much of my life will be gone. I think in terms of we only get 30 more years together if we are lucky. Writing that brings tears to my eyes. He is an amazing person, my best friend, and true love. |
|
jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
|
Post by jenkate77 on Dec 19, 2015 18:10:24 GMT
Milestones hit different people in different ways. I was despondent when I turned 25. (Now of course I'd give anything to go back 13 years to that age! So much younger. Much less saggy skin. A million times more energy.)
If there are no underlying issues, I would just accept the inner turmoil and let it pass. If there are underlying issues - you'll have to fix them!
|
|
|
|
Post by knit.pea on Dec 19, 2015 18:10:29 GMT
I've been with DH almost 25 years, and he is definitely who I want to
spend my life with.
Our DSs are older now, and it's much easier to spend time alone
together, talking, laughing. When the boys were younger,
it was a lot of division of labor and both of us being tired.
We still went on date nights (paying a babysitter--no family closeby),
but it was an effort and cost money.
But we felt it was important to keeping us *us*.
Do you want to stay together with him?
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 19, 2015 18:11:07 GMT
It sounds to me like your are either having a mid-life crisis or seriously doubting your relationship.
My only advice is to take the time to really think about it and dwell on why you feel this way and what if anything you want to do about it.
Sit with the feelings, feel them and make a conscious decision.
I also think writing helps me understand my thoughts
|
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Dec 19, 2015 18:14:44 GMT
I am pretty sure that there are different milestones that have people reacting in different ways. I am quickly approaching my 50th birthday and am more than a little freaked out...all the things I didn't do, not being where I think I should, what am I supposed to do now...But there are a lot of people that think it is cat's meow and that it means a whole new stage in life.
It probably doesn't help in your case that not only is a milestone, but you are still adjusting to a new job, it's the holidays and all the emotions roll into one big fat mess.
Maybe the key for now is to let it ride until after the holidays. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what or where the dissatisfaction comes from. It might not be what you think it is today-today may be a symptom, or it may be the whole thing. Give it a little time to simmer.
|
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 19, 2015 18:19:15 GMT
You also have to remember that even married, you cannot expect your spouse to fix you if you are list or broken. Sounds to me like YOU need some therapy or coaching on a life path for yourself first.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:20:37 GMT
Milestones hit different people in different ways. I was despondent when I turned 25. (Now of course I'd give anything to go back 13 years to that age! So much younger. Much less saggy skin. A million times more energy.) If there are no underlying issues, I would just accept the inner turmoil and let it pass. If there are underlying issues - you'll have to fix them! There are underlying issues, for sure. I think if things were good, I wouldn't be freaked out. We did both agree we should probably go for therapy together once DH is employed again, but to be honest, I feel like it's too late for me. I've been trying to make things better between us for a long time and he just doesn't respond. I'm tired of trying and being let down; it's too damaging and devastating. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:23:30 GMT
Do you want to stay together with him? To be honest, I don't know. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:25:51 GMT
It sounds to me like your are either having a mid-life crisis or seriously doubting your relationship. My only advice is to take the time to really think about it and dwell on why you feel this way and what if anything you want to do about it. Sit with the feelings, feel them and make a conscious decision. I also think writing helps me understand my thoughts I'm doing some thinking, but not dwelling. I'm also not making any decisions right now. It's just complicated because it's not easy.  |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:26:29 GMT
You also have to remember that even married, you cannot expect your spouse to fix you if you are list or broken. Sounds to me like YOU need some therapy or coaching on a life path for yourself first. I don't expect him to fix me. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:29:01 GMT
I am pretty sure that there are different milestones that have people reacting in different ways. I am quickly approaching my 50th birthday and am more than a little freaked out...all the things I didn't do, not being where I think I should, what am I supposed to do now...But there are a lot of people that think it is cat's meow and that it means a whole new stage in life. It probably doesn't help in your case that not only is a milestone, but you are still adjusting to a new job, it's the holidays and all the emotions roll into one big fat mess. Maybe the key for now is to let it ride until after the holidays. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what or where the dissatisfaction comes from. It might not be what you think it is today-today may be a symptom, or it may be the whole thing. Give it a little time to simmer. I agree with you that different people react to different milestones differently.  (That's a lot of difference!) I'm not making any decisions right now. |
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 19, 2015 18:29:20 GMT
I am pretty sure that there are different milestones that have people reacting in different ways. I am quickly approaching my 50th birthday and am more than a little freaked out...all the things I didn't do, not being where I think I should, what am I supposed to do now...But there are a lot of people that think it is cat's meow and that it means a whole new stage in life.It probably doesn't help in your case that not only is a milestone, but you are still adjusting to a new job, it's the holidays and all the emotions roll into one big fat mess. Maybe the key for now is to let it ride until after the holidays. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what or where the dissatisfaction comes from. It might not be what you think it is today-today may be a symptom, or it may be the whole thing. Give it a little time to simmer. I'm closing in on 50 also, so I think I know where you're coming from. But when I ponder the fact that my dad died when he was just a few weeks shy of his 56th birthday leaving his wife a widow at 50 with three underage kids at home, it puts EVERYTHING into perspective for me. I am so grateful for the life I've had so far, grateful that I'm relatively healthy, relatively happy and satisfied. Are there things I could have done differently? Of course there are, but considering the alternative (being dead or a widow!) I think I'll take what I've got and be happy with that! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 13:02:24 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 18:31:19 GMT
I am pretty sure that there are different milestones that have people reacting in different ways. I am quickly approaching my 50th birthday and am more than a little freaked out...all the things I didn't do, not being where I think I should, what am I supposed to do now...But there are a lot of people that think it is cat's meow and that it means a whole new stage in life.It probably doesn't help in your case that not only is a milestone, but you are still adjusting to a new job, it's the holidays and all the emotions roll into one big fat mess. Maybe the key for now is to let it ride until after the holidays. Give yourself time to figure out exactly what or where the dissatisfaction comes from. It might not be what you think it is today-today may be a symptom, or it may be the whole thing. Give it a little time to simmer. I'm closing in on 50 also, so I think I know where you're coming from. But when I ponder the fact that my dad died when he was just a few weeks shy of his 56th birthday leaving his wife a widow at 50 with three underage kids at home, it puts EVERYTHING into perspective for me. I am so grateful for the life I've had so far, grateful that I'm relatively healthy, relatively happy and satisfied. Are there things I could have done differently? Of course there are, but considering the alternative (being dead!) I think I'll take what I've got and be happy with that! My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when she was 45 and told she had six months to live (although she's living cancer-free, now, 16 years later!!) so I have a similar viewpoint... life is too short not to be happy and enjoy it. It freaks me out to think that I might only have a decade left before I'm told I only have 6 months left... |
|
raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095 
|
Post by raindancer on Dec 19, 2015 18:33:18 GMT
That's a terrible way to feel, and I'm sorry. I have had a similar moment in my marriage but thankfully my dh was on board with getting us through it. It took a lot of work. He also hit a low point, and it was a real wake up call for me as well. It's often a hard reality to face what role you play in the mess. And it felt like a punch to the gut, but I also was willing to make it right and make us whole.
But if you aren't together on that, I also can see where it comes a time to make a decision about moving forward. And I think a slow, reasonable response to that is fair to both of you, your family, and your futures. Not jumping, but working on a plan alone or together and then moving onward and upward.
I hope you find peace. It's not easy to be in the middle of those really uncomfortable times in life.
|
|
luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
|
Post by luvnlifelady on Dec 19, 2015 18:34:05 GMT
I can see that messing with you. I turned 50 in August and it has been quite the shock! Seriously. I have found a new confidence in myself but has me questioning everything also. It hasn't been easy so far.
|
|
theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,436
|
Post by theshyone on Dec 19, 2015 18:36:00 GMT
I've never thought of it that way, so not normal to me.
I couldn't even tell you when I actually fell "in love". With him so no glaring dates. He was just always someone in my life then years later it was more. I've always thought it strange people knew first date dates.
We've had really really rough times, really bad timed, the proverbial in sickness, the good times made it worthwhile.
|
|
|
|
Post by AN on Dec 19, 2015 18:57:34 GMT
You have posted little stuff here and there about your husband over the years that has given me pause. I can't tell you exactly what, seeing as I'm not the official spreadsheet keeper, but I just remember that feeling when you're talking about these issues. I think it was stuff about obliviousness/carelessness/not prioritizing family needs, something like that. So... I don't think that this is likely a new thing.
But - I do think this job is killing you and your relationships. It probably is bringing issues that were already there to a breaking point. When you posted, before you took the job, about the commute, I really, really felt concern for you deep in the pit of my stomach. With the large family you have, it's just not sustainable. And I also totally get why you HAVE to make it work for now, no other good options given your field and location.
My gut sense, just reading what you wrote and recalling the overall vibe I've had in months/years past, is that you need to make some hard decisions, but not in a vacuum. There is no denying that this insane commute is making everything else in your life harder. I don't know your situation, but it sounds like with your DH out of work, that probably is putting some stress on the family financially too. That's no small thing on its own - money challenges are one of the leading causes of divorce. And frankly, your DH has sounded less-than-stellar when you've talked about him in the past, so maybe he is just not the one you want to be with.
But don't look at the marriage/relationship without considering those other factors. There are a million ways this could play out. If you were to go back to not working (not that it's an option, but let's just play pie in the sky), and handling the role of keeping everything together in the family - would that relieve some of the relationship pressure? It would also likely make financial pressure worse. If your DH were to agree to counseling and you could find something affordable/sliding scale, would that give you some hope to hold on?
I'm not saying you should quit your job - in fact, if you're feeling concern about your relationship, that's the last thing you should do. Just don't underestimate the impact of stress and how it can hang this dark cloud over every aspect of your life. I didn't really recognize stress until I had a few physical manifestations of it, and it really kind of opened my eyes. I didn't even feel emotionally stressed, and my life was a thousand times easier than what you're dealing with - and it was just making everything seem gloomy.
I don't know if any of that is helpful - maybe something struck you. I really think you need professional help, even if you have to sacrifice extremely to get it, take sick time from work (not sure what protections in Canada are like early on in a job), ask for help with buying food to pay for counseling, etc. My fear for you is that if you put your focus on the relationship not being right, it will feel more and more like changing that will fix things. I know intellectually you know that isn't true, but we are all prone to doing that - focusing on the one thing and thinking if that was fixed, everything else would be okay. Separation/divorce will bring a whole new level of complication and expense and difficulty into your life. Which may be worth it if that really is the problem -- but might just bring you more grief if it was the whirlwind of all the issues together that was causing you so much heartache.
Will be thinking of you.
|
|
Refupea #39
(That's a lot of difference!)
