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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Dec 19, 2015 19:15:10 GMT
You seem to be the type of person who is never happy, no matter what.
For the love of God. Stop having kids. Don't you have like 4 or 5?
Just. Stop.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846 
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 19, 2015 19:23:36 GMT
Do you have an 'Ideal Life' image you are comparing yours to? I've been married to DH 38 years. The 2 of us share the same goals which is such a good thing. I went through DH being unemployed for 4 years and it was a struggle and pretty much wiped us out financially. We had to sell our house in Oregon and DH elected to sell his plane. Together we recovered and now have a happy, debt free life. Does your DH not have a "We can do this" mindset? Being unemployed is traumatizing and I know I wasn't as supportive then as I should have been. "What, you're still home, why aren't you out looking for a job"? Does your DH have only 1 skill? Mine had to go back to school to obtain new skills and become employable.
ETA: Gosh, Yubon, that's not very supportive. We're here to help Ashley, not criticize her for something that can't be undone.
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 19, 2015 20:19:33 GMT
It will be 17 years for us in January and I don't feel the way you are at all. I think we've had bumps on the road, of course, but I sometimes can't believe it's been that long and marvel at how fast the time together has gone.
I agree with AN that your job is also really adding a lot of stress to things right now and that might be making it harder to assess how you're feeling in other parts of your life because you're stressed out and tired. But it also sounds like he's not really there to help you or work with you to make things better. And that's really what you need right now--a partner who's willing to try and make your life easier. Is there any way at all you can get that through to him?
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,524
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Dec 19, 2015 20:28:03 GMT
You seem to be the type of person who is never happy, no matter what. For the love of God. Stop having kids. Don't you have like 4 or 5? Just. Stop. Kind like the pot calling the kettle black. Some of your responses to people here make me wonder if you are a miserable person yourself. |
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Post by Zee on Dec 19, 2015 20:31:18 GMT
My first "date" (was actually Christmas shopping, not a real date) with DH was 26 years ago. I was 16, about to turn 17. He was 19. We are definitely not the same people now that we were then, and a lot of water has flown under this bridge.
There has been heartache and happiness, breakups, children, a separation, tumult, anger, betrayal, but in the end a really true love and a real happiness with each other than no one else can give.
Only the two of you can say whether that is still there and if it's worth it to you to stay, but it can't be only one of you. If he can't or won't try, it may be time to move on with the next chapter of your life.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 20:45:23 GMT
I will try to respond to these posts the best I can. My DH is not a bad person.  He is a good man, and he adores me. I have zero question that he is anything less than completely dedicated to me, and our family. He loves our girls and is a very involved father. He and I share household work, and generally have the same ideals and morals. He does tell me every day that I'm beautiful and hot, which is nice, but... However, he's absent-minded and pretty much a force of destruction because he is careless and doesn't pay attention. He's not mean or abusive. He does not value things (not just material items, but time and money) the way I do. I've loosened up a LOT in our years together, but there are some things I just will not accept; like "just go out and buy a new one" when we don't have money to do that, and I don't think we need to be breaking and replacing multiple items weekly. He also has virtually no motivation to do anything, which includes everything from making major life plans, fixing or repairing or organizing anything around the house, or even putting an effort into planning a nice dinner for me or a coffee date. Probably I could deal with the day-to-day small stuff if I felt connected to him. But, I don't. I'm not attracted to him, and I don't look forward to spending time with him. I've tried explaining this to different people but the best I can come up with is that when I'm with him, I feel alone. I think he doesn't have normal emotions and I think his family is very detached. This is not something I have realized recently, but I didn't know until we had been together for several years and already had children. He never makes me feel better, about anything. He never has anything useful or positive to contribute to any problem, even the ones in our relationship that involve him. Of course I need professional help -- probably everyone does. To be clear, I'm not planning on walking out on my family any time soon. DH and I have discussed separation/divorce but to be honest, it's unlikely we could each afford a house big enough for our kids, and if we ever could it wouldn't be for a good 5+ years, I bet (I'm considering going to nursing school next year and this is my primary motivation). I suspect if we ever were to end our marriage, we'd have to figure out some kind of weird alternative living situation with a house with an apartment for one of us to live in, or something like that. Which probably wouldn't actually solve any of my problems. haha. Thanks, AN , your post was very thoughtful and I agree with most of what you said. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 19, 2015 20:51:35 GMT
(((hugs)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 20:55:59 GMT
No, I think I'm pretty reasonable as far as what I expect married and family life to be like. I know there are compromises, ebbs and flows; I know there are times I've had to give 75% and there are times I've only been able to carry 10%. I don't expect romance, hollywood storylines, or fireworks every time we look at each other. I don't even think our lives will ever be easy, or comfortable. But I'd like to feel like I have an actual partner who encourages me and hears me and makes me want to be a better person.
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Post by christine58 on Dec 19, 2015 21:01:47 GMT
I was going to start an anon account to post this, but I really can't be bothered. Please be gentle. Last week I woke up and realized that I was THE DAY I fell in love with my DH -- SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. (insert incredulous swear words here). I'm not exaggerating when I say that this has seriously messed with my head. I knew that next year (around Sept 2016) is going to mark the point at which DH and I will have been together for MORE than half our lives, which is pretty serious, but this 17 year anniversary of falling in love has seriously made me question everything I'm doing in my life. That's probably a normal reaction, right? Or normal for some people? Not normal in my opinion. I think you are under a helluva lot of stress with your job and commute. I also don't get why you would do an anon account. This pales in comparison to other posts from many here. |
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Post by gar on Dec 19, 2015 21:03:16 GMT
ashley, I haven't read the responses since my post a couple of hours ago but I just wanted to add that what I wrote is true but it doesn't mean there weren't times when I wondered "How the hell did I get to this point, is this it?  " It wasn't all sunshine and roses but....I always somehow knew in the back of my mind, deep down, that those feelings were passing thoughts....not permanent, not the bottom line. If I had felt that those feelings outweighed the overall happiness I would have felt very different I think. I feel for you (((hugs)))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 21:03:35 GMT
I also don't get why you would do an anon account. This pales in comparison to other posts from many here. Really? Because, who likes airing their dirty laundry and feeling like a fucked up failure? |
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Post by moveablefeast on Dec 19, 2015 21:13:32 GMT
I also don't get why you would do an anon account. This pales in comparison to other posts from many here. Really? Because, who likes airing their dirty laundry and feeling like a fucked up failure? The last thing I think you are is a failure. You are smart, hardworking, loving to your family, and dedicated, among a million other things. To me you sound tired, and like you are finding your effort not coming back to you with quite the result you might have hoped. Your hard work didn't make life look the way you thought it might have, or hoped. What do you think would happen if you came up with a couple of specific, achievable things you'd like your husband to do and asked him to do them? |
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Post by leannec on Dec 19, 2015 21:16:00 GMT
Hugs to you ashley! I hope you are able to take some time for yourself this holiday season and start the New Year with some sort of plan |
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Dec 19, 2015 21:42:22 GMT
Really? Because, who likes airing their dirty laundry and feeling like a fucked up failure? The last thing I think you are is a failure. You are smart, hardworking, loving to your family, and dedicated, among a million other things. To me you sound tired, and like you are finding your effort not coming back to you with quite the result you might have hoped. Your hard work didn't make life look the way you thought it might have, or hoped. What do you think would happen if you came up with a couple of specific, achievable things you'd like your husband to do and asked him to do them? Exactly. I will be honest and admit I've had a phase where I felt some of the things you are feeling right now. My hubby is a wonderful man, hard worker, good father, supports me in whatever I do, and we share our faith. I finally told him what was bothering me and that I was very conflicted over my feelings. I told him I loved him dearly, but if things didn't change, I was considering splitting up. It was a turning point for our relationship. I am so glad we had that really difficult talk. We've prioritized our relationship and I adore him for it. AN gave you great advice. I encourage you to list out your feelings. List what attracted you to him in the first place, his attributes, and what makes him a good husband. Love is an every day, dedicated choice. I don't buy into the trend of "do what makes you happy." We are adults and we have to do hard things. We have to put work into our relationships and we need to honor our commitments. I also caution you to be aware if your feelings like this intensify around your cycles. I know that when I am feeling unappreciated, lonely, and want to walk away from the world, it's always around my period. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 21:43:15 GMT
Really? Because, who likes airing their dirty laundry and feeling like a fucked up failure? The last thing I think you are is a failure. You are smart, hardworking, loving to your family, and dedicated, among a million other things. To me you sound tired, and like you are finding your effort not coming back to you with quite the result you might have hoped. Your hard work didn't make life look the way you thought it might have, or hoped. What do you think would happen if you came up with a couple of specific, achievable things you'd like your husband to do and asked him to do them? I've tried in the past and he doesn't do them. I have zero expectations or hope of him changing -- I accept he is who he is, and that's just the way things are. |
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Post by Karmady on Dec 19, 2015 22:03:50 GMT
Ashley, I'm not sure what to say that hasn't been said but I wanted to offer you support and a big (((hug))). Life certainly is challenging at times. Best wishes to you and your family for a wonderful Christmas.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2015 22:07:01 GMT
I'm so sorry you feel so miserable, Ashley. I think you're very smart to postpone any major decisions. It's hard to see any light at all when you're under such a cloud of stress. I'm not saying he'll be any better if you wait until things settle, but you'll be able to think more clearly when you get a little out from under the cloud you're currently in.
I certainly don't think you're any sort of failure. Everyone goes through rough times, whether with their careers or their marriages or their children or their health. That doesn't make them failures. I don't blame you for feeling angry, sad, lonely, and stressed. It's something that WILL work out, but will take time and changes.
Meanwhile, gentle hugs to you.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Dec 19, 2015 22:38:26 GMT
ashley, here is my take on some of this: You have no expectations for you DH. Totally get that, but you're allowing him to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't raise the bar, he has no need to improve. It takes time and tons of fortitude to hang onto a relationship. Ebbs and flow doesn't begin to cover it. Don't be jealous of my 44 year relationship, because no one knows the anger, frustration, and blah, blah, blah that got us here. None of us really even know the ins and outs of our own parents. We just think we do. So, quit comparing yourself to other. Reality is that we're all becoming or needing to become more grown up every day. I live in man-world. Every one of my blood relatives is male. I think that your DH may be suffering a bit from estrogen world. It might be a bit overwhelming, but it has probably given him an easy out when he knows that he is frustrating you. Finally, hold your head up and be proud of yourself. Find a mentor if you can. You are feeling tested, but you've passed before. It can/will happen again.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,850
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Dec 19, 2015 22:47:26 GMT
ashley -- I think that your husband is depressed.
Think about it ... you are working full-time while he is waiting for funding for a grant of some kind? How long has he been waiting for this to happen? I would be depressed if I felt that my life was stalled and my spouse was working hard and always busy.
What degree does he have? Is there a job in the private sector where he could work? What kind of grant is he waiting for?
It is very difficult for a man to not be able to provide for his family. A lot of a man's identity is tied to their profession.
Not caring if you broke something or misplaced something is a sign of depression, as is not generally caring to do much about anything. |
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,134
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Dec 19, 2015 22:53:50 GMT
I have a cousin who has the same... super wonderful husband who is not there.. physically yes but he does not fulfill her... he leaves the kid activities and family get togethers to her.. sometimes he shows up n sometimes he doesnt....
She turns 40 next yr n decided it was the year of "wilma" and if "fred" couldn't or wouldn't partner up... she was doing it alone...
They've had years of trying n talking... he isn't changing... he doesn't think anything is wrong... they have a good life and lots of people would be shocked to hear how lonely she is... but shes done...
Its tough to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy.. life is too short...good luck
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Dec 19, 2015 23:29:53 GMT
Wow, I can completely relate to this, but never put "real words" to it. I get it and I'm sorry you are going through this.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
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Post by tduby1 on Dec 19, 2015 23:35:21 GMT
Milestones hit different people in different ways. I was despondent when I turned 25. (Now of course I'd give anything to go back 13 years to that age! So much younger. Much less saggy skin. A million times more energy.) If there are no underlying issues, I would just accept the inner turmoil and let it pass. If there are underlying issues - you'll have to fix them! There are underlying issues, for sure. I think if things were good, I wouldn't be freaked out. We did both agree we should probably go for therapy together once DH is employed again, but to be honest, I feel like it's too late for me. I've been trying to make things better between us for a long time and he just doesn't respond. I'm tired of trying and being let down; it's too damaging and devastating. Hugs, Ashley. It sounds like you are at a crossroads. I hope you find peace soon. |
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Dec 19, 2015 23:55:38 GMT
Long term relationships have peaks and valleys. I don't think you are experiencing anything unusual. I've been married 31 years and there were times I didn't think we'd make it or wondered if I wanted something else. I am sure my DH felt the same. We were on the brink and went to counseling and came out the other side stronger.
We've had rough times, job loss, stress from family dynamics. Sometimes relationships need help. If you can still remember what it felt like when you fell in love and long to feel that way again, tell him. If he won't go to therapy to save your marriage, you go then for yourself. Sending good wishes your way.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 20, 2015 1:26:32 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think long term marriages require you to be partners. It can't be up to just one of you. Like others have said, sometimes you give 100% and sometimes it's only 10%, but your partner is there to take up the slack. It doesn't sound like that is the case for you. I really think you need some individual and couples counseling to figure out how to move forward. I agree you don't want to wake up 17 years from now wondering why you're still unhappy.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 1:33:26 GMT
Milestones hit different people in different ways. I was despondent when I turned 25. (Now of course I'd give anything to go back 13 years to that age! So much younger. Much less saggy skin. A million times more energy.) If there are no underlying issues, I would just accept the inner turmoil and let it pass. If there are underlying issues - you'll have to fix them! There are underlying issues, for sure. I think if things were good, I wouldn't be freaked out. We did both agree we should probably go for therapy together once DH is employed again, but to be honest, I feel like it's too late for me. I've been trying to make things better between us for a long time and he just doesn't respond. I'm tired of trying and being let down; it's too damaging and devastating. I'm in the same kind of marriage. I stay for the insurance and the ability to stay at home with my special needs kid. I've decided I don't need to revolve my life around him. Just because I stay married doesn't mean I have wasted my *entire* life. I make plans and I do many things as if I were single. I don't think we'll be together forever and I'm okay with that. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 20, 2015 1:39:27 GMT
Ashley, now that I've read more from you I wonder if marriage counseling would really help create that marriage that you crave? You can't change him and he can't change you, but together you can agree to find a happy balance. Would he be willing to do this w/you? It might help you two build an understanding and a foundation w/o cracks. This sounds too big to take on by yourself.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 23, 2024 11:25:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2015 1:42:52 GMT
You seem to be the type of person who is never happy, no matter what. For the love of God. Stop having kids. Don't you have like 4 or 5? Just. Stop. Fuck off Yubon. Don't you have like 9 cats and your son is allergic and you keep rescuing? Just. Stop. |
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 20, 2015 1:50:21 GMT
Ugh. I think we are in similar periods of life (although I think you are younger than I am), and I cannot tell you how many friends I have had who have had similar feelings. There is a reason why people have mid-life crises--we are at an age where you are no longer full of endless possibility, but have shut a lot of doors and have a lot of responsibilities. I don't have a lot of great advice, but you are not alone or unusual. The friends I have had who have been in similar positions emotionally have responded in a variety of ways -- doing nothing, going to individual or couples therapy/counseling, making other changes, divorcing.
The only thing I will say -- you are in a new job with a tiring commute, and I would give it some time before making any decisions that might be permanent. Dh and I have a one year rule -- after any major thing, we wait a year before making other big decisions, because even wanted change creates stress that makes everything feel more intense.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,859
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Post by scrapngranny on Dec 20, 2015 2:02:37 GMT
If he loves you and adores you, why won't he at least try and meet your needs? Would you flat out saying you want a divorce be a wake up call or would he just say ok and just walk away?
By reading your posts for the several years I have gotten the feeling that you were not happy. I'm sorry it is all coming to a head instead of getting better. No matter what you decide I hope you find happiness.
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Post by melanell on Dec 20, 2015 2:12:45 GMT
I was going to start an anon account to post this, but I really can't be bothered. Please be gentle. Last week I woke up and realized that I was THE DAY I fell in love with my DH -- SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. (insert incredulous swear words here). I'm not exaggerating when I say that this has seriously messed with my head. I knew that next year (around Sept 2016) is going to mark the point at which DH and I will have been together for MORE than half our lives, which is pretty serious, but this 17 year anniversary of falling in love has seriously made me question everything I'm doing in my life. That's probably a normal reaction, right? Or normal for some people? I guess I'm thinking that if this is the type of thing that you think about or that can have such an impact on how you view your life, then what do you think you could be doing that wouldn't have you thinking the same thing? Did that make any sense? Like, say you had been hiking across the planet for the last 17 years. If you woke up today would you have said "Whoa. 17 years ago I left home to start my journey to fully experience my planet, and I'm still doing it! Next year I will have been doing this more than half my life!"? I guess what you need to figure out is if it it what you are doing that caused that reaction, what you are not doing, or simply the fact that you've been doing a few major things (being with your DH & being a mom) for so long. Because no matter what you do, eventually another 17 years will go by, and then another. The good news is that you have 17 years before the 34 year mark comes around. So you can start working on your feelings about today right now so that when the next 17 years goes by you will hopefully wake up feeling quite pleased with things. Hugs to you! |
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He is a good man, and he adores me. I have zero question that he is anything less than completely dedicated to me, and our family. He loves our girls and is a very involved father. He and I share household work, and generally have the same ideals and morals. He does tell me every day that I'm beautiful and hot, which is nice, but...
"
