composure regained

Ashley, I honestly don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. This summer I hit a similar anniversary with my DH - we've been together more than 21 years which means I've been with him longer than I lived without him. It was a joyous date for me, when I think about it, I still get butterflies - even though we were bickering all day and I wanted to bean him with a frying pan earlier today. I don't have any second guesses or regrets, I'm just grateful that so far, we're in this together.
I hope you can find some peace and happiness. I know that I have read about some happy moments that you two have shared. I know there have been times when he just gets you and you appreciated that. I remember that there have also been some difficult times when his disconnection and cluelessness have hurt you immeasurably. Counseling sounds like a good idea. I hope that it's not xtoo late for you.

ETA:

I also want to concur with those who mention your job as a factor in your emotional state right now and how that affects your outlook of your relationship.  The lowest point of our marriage was when my DH was traveling 2+ hours a day to a job and staying over 1 night/week.  We had a 4 year old and a toddler at the time.  He was exhausted and frankly, he was an irrational asshole because all he did was work, commute and sleep.  I disengaged from him because I had to handle everything at home by myself and the last thing I had patience for was a grumpy, tired husband who just messed up our rhythm whenever he made an appearance.  Your job situation, however necessary financially, has implications far beyond the inconvenient commute.  My husband looks back at that year as the worst time in his life even though it was a great professional opportunity. 

Marriage is not easy. I tried it, twice. From the viewpoint of a "failure" of marriage:

I've always told engaged/newly married couples to hold hands. Both literally and figuratively - you both have to connect while you are moving forward in life. That's even more important when both of you are young--there are so many changes that you go through in your 20s. When you have children, that obviously becomes the focus of the marriage and family - but it's so, so important to keep the couple time/effort up throughout the process of raising the children. Your relationship with you husband is the foundation upon which you raise your children. Even if you divorce, that relationship is still the foundation--the kids have to come first.

Having said that, as the wife/mom, you are the heart and emotional base for your family. You have to be happy - or at least content - to be the best you can be. The spot you are in right now - your husband not being the primary bread winner, your long commute, and your feeling not appreciated and loved by the children and your husband - are really temporary situations. Those things will hopefully improve for you. His male pride at not providing for his family may be factoring in. The "normal" that you had for years isn't what you are living right now. It will take time for the new normal to become a pattern for your family. Speak up for what you want from him and the children, but be patient for all of you.

You are strong enough to get through this and remember - this too shall pass.

Lots of good advice and support here. Just felt like adding a different point of view here.

We have been married for 45 years. There were times that I was ready to walk out for some of the same things you have mentioned here. Hubby just did not get it, seemed uninvolved in family, had no interest in setting goals, could not see my viewpoint when we talked. IN FACT discussions gave him ammunition to throw back in my face - he would deliberately take the comments the wrong way. In fact that is what motivated me to get my BS, so I would be able to support myself and the girls without him.

At 72, he still is not perfect, but has come a long, long way. Along the way I learned to find fufillment on my own, to make my own life and to go my way without him when he would not come along. Other women envy me my husband, he is so attentive, he does so much around the house, he loves me so much and so on. It took a lot to get him to this point though. He does not understand now why I am not totally where he wants me to be. He does not see how history had hardened my heart just a bit and how I am used to doing on my own and find it hard now to let him come along. He does not like me leaving the house without him tagging along although I insist at times. (We are retired and I will not let him live in my pocket.)

Looking back through the years, I feel the years of raising children were just a time in life when the marriage was put on hold and we worked together when we could to raise the girls. It seemed like there was not enough energy to do both. It takes a lot out of a mother to raise children, nature made it that way and hardwired us that way, some more than others. But for me, my children took a lot of energy. I loved my husband and saw how it was but could not muster up the energy to do anything about it. Also, as long as I was their mother and needed to raise them, I was satisfied.

I think at times we work too hard to find meaning, happiness, and fufillment in every bit of life. It just does not work that way. There are ups and down. There are times when there is no joy, just life. But you look for those times when the rainbow is shining up there, you find moments to treasure and bring out on dreary days to hold to yourself and warm your soul. And you move on when you can.

Hugs to you Ashley. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. But, thankfully it ebbs and flows.

Is it possible that your DH has Asperger's or something similar to that? Because this sounds exactly like my friend's daughter who has it. 

Spoken gently, as you requested: I agree with the Peas who say your husband is depressed. I think you are too, but you are also too much of an achiever, and a pragmatist, to allow yourself the time and luxury to be depressed.

I think you are emotionally much more mature than your husband. Saying you are hot and that he adores you (I am not denying either of these things are true) seems to me to be a quick way out of trouble, a type of knee-jerk reaction which may have worked in the past but not "smart" or evolved. He doesn't know this and hasn't learned how to move beyond them. I sense in you a real steel backbone. I have kept up with your posts about the long commute, not feeling appreciated by the girls and so on. I have no real advice other than to say steel is not indestructible and I think it is OK to put yourself first for a bit.

Now I have to say something else, which might be out of line. Real life and work is so hard that it is tempting to want to study further as a way of escape. I have been there, done that. Just me and the books, a place where I can excel, where life is "fair" and standards are objective. I don't think this is the answer for you though, not now. I apologize if I have read that wrong.

I think the OP is looking for a purpose in life. She thought she would find it with her new job but that has turned out to not be the case. She is unhappy with how her life has turned out, and she blames her DH. He seems like a decent enough guy, albeit unemployed.

But here's the thing. They have 4 kids. FOUR. And the youngest is 1 or 2 if memory serves. With that many kids, her purpose is clear. She has to give up her search for purpose, because she already has it. Those kids. Maybe if there were only 1 or 2 kids, she could be selfish and leave her DH. But with 4 kids and not a pot to piss in? No way. She's in it for the long haul.

She needs to at least get 2 or 3 of those kids past the age of 18 before she can start to think of herself again. Sorry, but that's the life they created. She might as well suck it up and face it.

Why couldn't you just have stated this in the first instance?  

It is a bit harsh for someone who requested "gentle advice" but actually adds to the conversation. Your first post on this thread was just rude.

We all have shit we could be called out on.... even you. Hell I know I do!  Can't you be a little kinder?  

When your DH's grant comes in, will it's duration give you the time to finish a Nursing degree?
Are you mentally/emotionally suited for Nursing, long/odd shifts, etc.?
Are there hospitals/care facilities near you, so you won't have a long commute after
getting your degree?

I am also interested in what your husband does all day. My husbAnd was unemployed for a year and it was awful. He was crabby and depressed and I was crabby and stressed. He finally took a job at a retail store stocking shelves at night. A job well beneath his education and prIor pay, but it was a job and I believe it helped him have to no only have something to do but it helped him to be contributing to the family.
I understand you have kids at home duRing the day, but your husband could surely find some employment. It might help him. If nothing else any extra income is better then nothing.
You may have ready explained this elsewhere, but is there a reason you can't relocate so your commute is not so long?

It's time for you and your DH to stop collecting degrees and to get a couple of steady jobs. You need to keep working even when he gets his grant. Why do you think it's necessary to keep taking turns working? And how much will a nursing degree cost?

OTOH, nursing is a super steady job you can do in all kinds of venues. Hospital, family practice, home health, it gives you a million options in a lot of places. So if solving the commute issue is one key to long term life happiness, then this strikes me as a very fine choice. It also doesn't take long to reach a basic certification and start working while you're earning more advanced skills.