composure regained

Unless things are drastically different in Canada, nursing school is an enormous commitment of time and energy.

You have a work commitment now that is over-stretching you. Considering nursing school now is seeking out more of the same busyness that excuses you from not being home.

Sure, you might make a fantastic nurse. You chose a different path and now have very young children who need your attention.

I don't know you personally, but I've read your posts for years. You went for an advanced degree, got a job with a long commute, and now you're talking about yet another enormous commitment that takes you away from your family.

Why?

You don't have to have a job you worked for. You chose to stay in your field, and that's your choice... but now nursing is more appealing?

Anything is more appealing to you right now then your husband.

That's not remotely fair to him.

I have a nagging suspicion that you really don't know how he feels about you right now, nor how he feels about you showing him how you'd rather take on Herculean new efforts than be with him.

[quote author="moveablefeast"
I think it takes courage and is awesome when a woman decides to take on something new and a little unknown for the benefit of her family. [/quote]

I do too, and Ashley has already done that several times in the past few years.

Maybe this is a good new option for her. Maybe it's not.

What is certain, though, is that her family will have a lot more difficult adjustments to make at a time when they are already struggling.




If my spouse talked about me in public the way Ashley has about her husband, I would be humiliated. I don't think it's a kind thing to do at all.

I'm sorry you're in emotional conflict right now, Ashley.

That's not my tone, but it's hard to have something come across neutrally here.

I know the world has changed. I know the jobs you earned degrees for can dissolve unbelievably fast. I know what it's like to be married over half your life and have serious problems.

I've lived through all of that and a whole lot worse.

I am not unempathetic.

There are plenty of others here holding your hand. I decided to give your perceptions of your situation a nudge instead.

Don't like my approach? That's your choice. As was it your choice to speak about this in public.

"If I only cared about myself I'd be working on a PhD right now, feeling happy and enjoying doing something that I'm actually very talented at and makes me shine."

I think that statement sums it up. You're most happy as a student. You've gotta know how incredibly unrealistic it is that you could just rock on with your life as a career student. Your husband is long-term unemployed and you have 4 little girls.

I guess if he gets a good job you can quit and pursue yet another degree so you can "shine", but until that happens you work. You pay bills. You feed kids. And you step off the distracting, up and down roller coaster ride of finding yourself and being your authentic you. Your authentic self is taking care of your responsibilities right now, not fantasizing about an alternate life.

Every single person on this board can relate to these words at some point in their life. So please let me assure you that you are NOT a failure. You're supporting your family by making huge sacrifices, and that is in no way someone who is a fucked up failure. What your are is STRESSED out to the max. And I suspect you feel a bit trapped in a marriage with a very unequal balance of many things with your husband. After reading through all the posts, I see that you are very aware of the situation and you are going to do what you can to make it better. I applaud you for that.

I don't want to be a downer but I agree with leftturnonly's post about nursing school. I'm an RN with a BSN and I'm here to tell you that that degree choice is no picnic. I know you are extremely intelligent as you already have a degree in a STEM field, but nursing goes way beyond the analytics you are used to. It's hands on. It's like being a mom for 12 hours a day (Think along the lines that every person you care for will NEED something from you ASAP and they will be sick, tired, angry, whining, etc..) and then you have to go home to your own kids to care for. You will be in clinical all day every day for your degree plus your classes.

I don't mention this to discourage you. I mention this because your husband will have to tow the line while you are in school working on this degree. You won't have time to pick up any of his slack if there is any. He needs to be on board with this.

The plus sides to nursing as I see them right now:
1. You will always have a job, though the good jobs are obviously the most competitive
2. If you don't like the area of nursing you are in you can change what you do and try something else, many jobs don't have this type of flexibility
3. You never have the same day twice
4. You will make a fair wage, better in some places and specialties, depending on what you chose
5. If you decide to move some place new, there will be a job
6. You make a real and actual difference in people's lives


The down sides:
1. You will work long hours on your feet
2. You will work holidays
3. If you are (Like me) someone who is affected/effected by people, it can be emotionally draining
4. New nurses must be ready to hold their own. New nurses are often eaten alive by older nurses: New York Times Article on Nurses being Bullies
5. I can't speak for Canada, but health care in the US is changing rapidly. New the Medicare guidelines mean patients will spend less time in the hospital after major illness and surgery, which means they will be quick to return. We are seeing sicker and sicker people in our already overcrowded facilities and with baby boomers aging, this problem will grow exponentially.
6. The work we do is often thankless. We are verbally and (And sometimes physically) abused by patients. This line of work (Right along with teachers) is one of the few where someone can beat the crap out of you and you have to try to walk away and not raise your voice or defend yourself. Now other nurses might pipe up here and say they've never had this happen to them. I will counter that by saying several years ago I was in the ER three times in one week for three separate attacks by unprovoked patients. Ultimately I left that job, but the abuse we take is prevalent and frequent. Just ask any nurse who has walked into a room 5 minutes late with pain meds and ask how that encounter went...

With all that being said, I think you have the drive to get the degree and to make it work for you. What you need to make very sure of is that your husband is on board with what comes along with getting that degree and after that degree. YOU will need support. You will need him to be there for you. You can't go this alone and care for your kids and do this degree program.

You can do anything you set your mind to. And ultimately, if you are in a an unhappy and unfufilling marriage, well... you can figure out a way to leave and be happy.

I am sending you so many ((Hugs)) You are carrying such a heavy load right now.

That was nicely laid out and exactly what I was thinking.

If I were in your shoes, I would put off nursing school till the youngest was in school all day. As long as you continue working and commuting such long hours each day, your husband can't realistically take a job to support the family, because somebody needs to be at home, taking care of the children. What if his grant came through sooner, rather than later? How could he even accept it and begin working in his career field while you're under contract to your current job? Who would be there all day for the kids?

Why not stay the course till your one-year contract is up, and then find a part-time "day job" close to home (something in the tolerable-to-satisfying range, but not necessarily in the field you trained for)? You could try to find a part-time job that would mesh with your husband's availability at home. That would free your husband to find full- or part-time employment himself and might alleviate his depression.

After your youngest is in school, you could then start nursing school (if you still want a nursing career at that point).

I know it may seem like a sacrifice of your aspirations if you take a job just to pay the bills, but I think your husband is also sacrificing a great deal, right now, and a true partnership would be less stressful and more satisfying for both of you.

Also, I agree that most marriages have their ups and downs, like a rollercoaster. In the bad times, I always have to remind myself that it will get better again.

Good luck to you and your family!

I will say I agree with this. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. A behaviour. The thing I struggle with re: your situation is that the carelessness your dh shows is a choice that doesn't reflect well on him as being loving toward you or your family.

ashley - there are many words I can think of to describe you. Failure isn't one of them.

@yubon - There is a time and a place for your degree of bluntness. This thread is not one of those times. If you can't show some compassion for someone who's struggling, go pound sand.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Although dh and I have the type of close relationship that many people have told us that they are envious of us, it takes a lot of work. Sometimes you're just too worn out and depressed to really be in a mental position to put the effort in that it takes. 

I definitely think your dh is depressed. It's very difficult for most men to not be working and providing. I imagine it's even harder when their wife is having to work instead--especially at a job that isn't ideal and involves a very long commute. 

I also wonder if you aren't having some hormonal imbalances that are making it harder for you. I've dealt with these since my hysterectomy and can't take replacement hormones. It sucks. 

My dh has very low testosterone. It's difficult to not feel physically close to your spouse, and it definitely makes our issues more difficult to deal with. 

I think that if you keep your head down and wait a little while, changes like your dh's employment and yours will remove some of your problems. Then it will make it easier to deal with the rest of your problems. 

My dh has mild Asperger's. I have to state my needs very clearly for him to understand. I'd really like for him to just figure them out on his own. That's not going to happen. Since he's also distracted because of his stressful job and overwhelming medical issues, it's even harder. I know we'll figure out how to treat dh's e and make him feel better. It's already started to happen. We also think that having access to better caliber hospital systems will help. (the ones we used in Chicago were so much better than the ones here in NC) 

Hang in there. I hope things get better for you. I totally get how you feel. My dh is a good husband and provider, but I still feel lonely and taken for granted. I just have to focus on all the good things my dh does. That's what I'd want him to do for me. 

I also understand why you'd want a nursing degree. I think it would be good job security.