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Post by buckeyegirl on Dec 21, 2015 18:20:22 GMT
I had a friend a few years ago who left her husband. Her excuse to me was, "Don't I deserve be happy?" My answer was "no" not at the expense of your children's happiness. I feel the same way about your dilemma. I do have sympathy for you and your situation. None of us has the perfect marriage or family and we all struggle with something. In your case, you have known what he was like for a very long time and yet continued to have children with him. As long as he isn't beating you or the kids, addicted to something, doing illegal things, screwing around etc., I feel strongly you need to stay with him and not disrupt your family until the kids are up and out on their own. After that, do whatever makes you happy, but I think you have a moral obligation to give your kids the very best of you no matter what your DH does or doesn't do.
Best of luck to you. I hope things get better.
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Post by pelirroja on Dec 21, 2015 19:12:06 GMT
OK I just did the quick math on that grant: it looks like that's only going to yield between 31k and 41k a year in income. That's not a whole lot of ROI (return on investment) for what the education presumably cost to obtain. That grant isn't going to save the day, whether it happens or not. It's not going to "fix" much in your world, unless where you live is ridiculously cheap or low-rent. Forget the grant and work with what you've got.
Lower your expectations and do whatever you need to do. You've got six people (four kids, dh and you) counting on you. Forget the "shine" crap and just do what you need to do for you and your family.
Of course, Mary Engelbreit said it much nicer than I have so here goes in her ME style: "Bloom where you're planted".
You're not the first person disappointed with what life has handed you but you're forgetting that for every decision made, there is a price to be paid. Four kids means you don't have the option(s) that a woman with an only child might have. Spending a lot of time in school has delayed your launching a career. Stop going back to school: it will put you in a worse bind than you are already in, believe it or not. Focus on getting promoted, even if it's a job you hate, a commute that is intolerable, etc. etc. etc. Enough excuses: get to work.
You've got lemons so make lemonade.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 19:20:38 GMT
OMG, why are so many of you criticizing me for not doing what it takes to take care of my family? Or that I'm not putting my children first? That's exactly what I am doing.
BTW, the grant is equal-matched by an industry partner and there are additional stipends to cover the students' salaries.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 19:39:00 GMT
I live close to Ashley and she's right. There are NO jobs here for her in her field. That being said, Ashley, you are so smart and brilliant, isn't there another job close by at one of the big hospitals that you qualify for? In a lab? Doesn't Mac do research grants anymore? Could you teach at Mohawk or Mac U? Niagara College? I'm pretty sure with your credentials, you could teach night courses at college or even full time. You should check it out. We aren't close enough for me to help you with the girls or at home (we met at a few crops through the years way back when) and I'm sure you live about fifteen minutes from me.  If you ever want to get together for a coffee, just PM me and we could meet. There's nothing else I can offer you but friendship and an ear. I hope you can solve your issues with DH and the job. I really don't think you sound happy. I wish you all the best. Thank you. I would have to go to college for two years to work in a hospital lab; those positions all require a type of certified lab technician diploma. I've been looking and unfortunately I'm not considered qualified. I did apply for several housekeeping/janitorial jobs at the hospital where I live but did not receive an interview. I also applied to teach at Niagara College, but no interview. I've applied for dozens and dozens of TA and marker-grader positions and lab demonstrator positions at Brock, but have not receive a single one yet. To teach at any university I would need a PhD. Finding a job at Mac has been impossible; there have been two positions in 6 months, and both must have been filled internally before posting publicly, because the jobs were only listed for less than 48 hours. I called my old boss and several former colleagues from Mac and they all told me to run away from tech positions because they are all being terminated for some reason. Sounds like there is some weird stiff with funding going on. There is also the additional problem of most jobs in my field being funded by 3- or 4-year research grants, which means you never know if your job is going to be renewed or not. My current job is a permanent position (or will be made one by August), and is not tied to a grant. I could work here forever. Forever is a lot more stable than three years.  Coffee sometime would be awesome. |
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Post by buckeyegirl on Dec 21, 2015 19:41:28 GMT
OMG, why are so many of you criticizing me for not doing what it takes to take care of my family? Or that I'm not putting my children first? That's exactly what I am doing. BTW, the grant is equal-matched by an industry partner and there are additional stipends to cover the students' salaries. You discussed the possibility of getting divorced, in my opinion that would not be considered putting the children first. If all this is true... "My DH is not a bad person. He is a good man, and he adores me. I have zero question that he is anything less than completely dedicated to me, and our family. He loves our girls and is a very involved father. He and I share household work, and generally have the same ideals and morals. He does tell me every day that I'm beautiful and hot, which is nice, but..." you have a lot to be grateful for and to work with. A pretty big bright side. |
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Dec 21, 2015 19:47:52 GMT
OMG, why are so many of you criticizing me for not doing what it takes to take care of my family? Or that I'm not putting my children first? That's exactly what I am doing. OMG, maybe because in this one thread you've talked about various ways to STOP taking care of your family. You've mentioned divorce, going to nursing school, going back for a PhD......and we all know that you've been out of love for some time and yet keep getting knocked up. So forgive us for being able to see where this is going. Maybe that's your fault, not ours. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Dec 21, 2015 20:07:41 GMT
I agree that you need to buckle down and provide for your family. You don't have the luxury of constantly being a student whenever the whim takes you and you decide you want a different career. It's obvious from your posts that your husband isn't going to get a job to help you financially. You ARE the breadwinner. This is your reality. All the education in the world doesn't seem to be working for either of you. Time to make your current job work for you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 20:22:52 GMT
What happens if your husband doesn't get the grant? Does he have a back up plan?
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Dec 21, 2015 20:44:08 GMT
I think the mindset of people in both their professions is a big issue the majority of the rest of us don't understand/agree with. I think you're right. When she said the grant is for $500k for 4 years for 4 - 5 people, I did the quick math on what that breaks down to per year and was like...  . Hopefully some of those people are just part time or something, but yeah, it definitely sounds like PhDs are in a tough situation of not enough jobs, and the ones that do exist aren't paying too well. I agree with those who say it's time for some practical decisions about what jobs are realistic in terms of pay, commute, lifestyle. Not soul-searching, but practical decisions. I honestly think her and her husband's expectations don't align with academia. To secure a decent faculty position you need to be willing to move just about anywhere. I have never known any professor to not understand that. Faculty in the sciences make good money (I'm assuming her husband is in the sciences based on the information in the thread), so either they weren't willing to move to the us/away from where they currently live or they aren't really good research scientists. A lot of what she is saying just doesn't really add up. |
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Dec 21, 2015 21:03:13 GMT
What happens if your husband doesn't get the grant? Does he have a back up plan? Probably continue on as a SAHD. I think the big problem here is that neither parent really WANTS to work. The husband has been sitting around at home "waiting for a grant" forever now, and the wife is only planning to work a couple of years at most and can't wait to tag-team the husband back into the workforce. With 4 kids and these types of attitudes, I don't care how many degrees they have between them. You can't get a degree in work ethic or common sense. |
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Post by knit.pea on Dec 21, 2015 21:55:06 GMT
The grant is probably split between leads and assistants so maybe not divided evenly in $.
OP, you *are* doing what you feel you need to.
It doesn't make sense to a lot of us, though.
Being away from 4 kids for 12+ hours a day, waiting on a (maybe) grant, continuing that pace for who knows how long.
You say housing is too expensive to move closer to your job.
Plus that would be farther away from your parents/childcare, so moving (for a contract job you don't like) probably isn't an option.
There are a lot of companies who will not hire over-qualified people. I would think they have had many of them quit suddenly, when something in their field came along, and it's expensive for them to hire and then re-hire frequently.
I wish you peace; I really do.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 22:06:44 GMT
What happens if your husband doesn't get the grant? Does he have a back up plan? He's been applying to many many jobs in the past 6 months and will continue to do so. If his grant is rejected he will get some sort of min. wage job doing whatever, until a permanent job comes along. Many of you are making such unreasonable assumptions and accusations about me and my family that I am not going to dignify them with a response. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2015 22:48:44 GMT
I hope he gets it or finds something that both of you are happy with.
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luckyexwife
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Post by luckyexwife on Dec 22, 2015 1:35:36 GMT
(((Hugs)))
What made you fall in love with your DH? Find the qualities you love about him, and focus on those.
Have you ever heard of The Love Dare? It is religious based, but if you look past that, it is a challenge to do loving things for your spouse for 30 days. I know you are incredibly busy, so maybe instead of a daily dare challenge, you could try for 2 or 3 a week? There is a book and journal available to buy, but you can google and find almost all of the dares.
Good luck, I hope you find peace and happiness in the new year.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 1:58:59 GMT
Hugs...years ago, my DH wanted to be a History Professor and had both his Bachelors and Masters and was working on a doctorate in Education. He worked as an adjunct at two different community colleges (on different sides of Houston TX) as part-time. I was the breadwinner and worked for a major HR consulting firm. That worked. Then I got pregnant with twins. DH was working on his dissertation and came to the realization that he needed to get out of the academic circle and pursue a corporate job to be able to help support our family and to pursue the family's goals rather than just his own. Because jobs in academia for young white males just didn't exist. And yes, we were willing to move anywhere in the US. Still didn't exist.
He ended up getting into computer software training with an IBM subsidiary and has moved up from there. He enjoys his colleagues and makes good money now in the IT world. Probably makes 3-4x what he would make if he were still in academia. Does he wish he could have continued teaching history? yes. But he also realizes it just wasn't realistic while supporting a family.
If I had my dream job, it wouldn't be exactly what I am doing now, but again it wouldn't enough to support me much less any kids. It stinks having to be an adult and working in not the best circumstances (commute, etc). But after 25 yrs of marriage, my advice is to stick it out and work through it. And right now you have to decide to be happy with you being the main breadwinner and DH being a SAHD. But then again, I had to live it too -- I really really wanted to be a SAHM as much as my DH didn't want to be a SAHD.
So instead I focus on hobbies and my family outside of my work. And that is what keeps me content and happy, not my job.
I pray that peace will come for you soon.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 22, 2015 2:14:02 GMT
I, too, know people with multiple degrees who couldn't get work in their fields - at least not full-time work. One of them has gone into sales and is making a good living selling various office machines to doctors' offices. Another is also in a sales-type position selling some kind of automation products to manufacturers. Another is selling pharmaceuticals.
Is there a sales position that either you or your husband might qualify for, rather than something directly in your field?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 22, 2015 5:01:01 GMT
What happens if your husband doesn't get the grant? Does he have a back up plan? He's been applying to many many jobs in the past 6 months and will continue to do so. If his grant is rejected he will get some sort of min. wage job doing whatever, until a permanent job comes along. Many of you are making such unreasonable assumptions and accusations about me and my family that I am not going to dignify them with a response. You're doing it again. MANY-MOST-MAJORITY are trying to offer you good advice, helpful suggestions, and kind thoughts. YOU Have made assumptions and posted such. A very few have been bluntly honest. |
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Post by DinCA on Dec 22, 2015 10:20:55 GMT
Oh, gosh, ashley. Where do I start? I've been giving this thread a lot of thought over the last couple of days. First, I do understand your feelings. I've been there. And I don't think these feelings are all that unusual either despite what has been shared here. At least it's not been my experience. Where you go from here is the crossroads. It's absolutely normal to be heartbroken over what you thought your life would be like when it's so far from the life you envisioned - especially if it's gone so far off the rails, you can't see the light. It's there, though. You just have to look for it a little harder. Give yourself a little time to mourn what isn't. Remind yourself of all of the good things that are - and I'm guessing the best part of your life is your family - and then you need to create new expectations with what you have. That's all you can really do. But it isn't a life wasted just because it isn't the life you thought it would be. Having said that, I'm not at all suggesting you give up your dreams. And I most certainly do want to validate your feelings because they're real and they're important. Those dreams might have to wait, though. From what you've said about your husband, it sounds like, while he's doing a good job caring for your children, he's not really good at caring for you emotionally. If your love language is deeds, as I believe it to be, then he's failing. I have a feeling that if he committed to changing that, you could begin to repair your relationship. If he's not committed to doing that, then you have do what makes you happy. Ultimately, you have to take charge of your own happiness. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to choose to be happy. Now, I'm not advocating divorce. Far from it, actually. However, your unhappiness will have a way of souring all that's good if you let it. This doesn't have to be a prison sentence, though. It's up to the two of you to decide if you can make it work better together or apart. You certainly won't hear any judgment from me. If you are really unhappy, your children will be, too. Trust me on this one. You need to be very specific with him about what you need from him, if you haven't already. And be very specific about how different your shared life will be if he can't/won't give you what you need. You're going to have to spell it out. It's obvious to me that you can't continue with the status quo but he needs it laid out for him and deserves to have it laid out for him. And then it's up to him to decide whether he's willing to fight to repair your relationship or not. I wish you the best. I hope the two of you can fix this, but I don't think it's the end of the world if you can't or that it makes you a horrible person either. |
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Post by maryland on Dec 22, 2015 14:05:55 GMT
Oh, gosh, ashley . Where do I start? I've been giving this thread a lot of thought over the last couple of days. First, I do understand your feelings. I've been there. And I don't think these feelings are all that unusual either despite what has been shared here. At least it's not been my experience. Where you go from here is the crossroads. It's absolutely normal to be heartbroken over what you thought your life would be like when it's so far from the life you envisioned - especially if it's gone so far off the rails, you can't see the light. It's there, though. You just have to look for it a little harder. Give yourself a little time to mourn what isn't. Remind yourself of all of the good things that are - and I'm guessing the best part of your life is your family - and then you need to create new expectations with what you have. That's all you can really do. But it isn't a life wasted just because it isn't the life you thought it would be. Having said that, I'm not at all suggesting you give up your dreams. And I most certainly do want to validate your feelings because they're real and they're important. Those dreams might have to wait, though. From what you've said about your husband, it sounds like, while he's doing a good job caring for your children, he's not really good at caring for you emotionally. If your love language is deeds, as I believe it to be, then he's failing. I have a feeling that if he committed to changing that, you could begin to repair your relationship. If he's not committed to doing that, then you have do what makes you happy. Ultimately, you have to take charge of your own happiness. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to choose to be happy. Now, I'm not advocating divorce. Far from it, actually. However, your unhappiness will have a way of souring all that's good if you let it. This doesn't have to be a prison sentence, though. It's up to the two of you to decide if you can make it work better together or apart. You certainly won't hear any judgment from me. If you are really unhappy, your children will be, too. Trust me on this one. You need to be very specific with him about what you need from him, if you haven't already. And be very specific about how different your shared life will be if he can't/won't give you what you need. You're going to have to spell it out. It's obvious to me that you can't continue with the status quo but he needs it laid out for him and deserves to have it laid out for him. And then it's up to him to decide whether he's willing to fight to repair your relationship or not. I wish you the best. I hope the two of you can fix this, but I don't think it's the end of the world if you can't or that it makes you a horrible person either. I agree with this! I think it's a great idea to calmly talk to your husband about what would help you, but also let him tell you what would help him. Both spouses needs are important. Maybe you both think you are doing what the other needs but maybe the other person needs something different than what you think. Both spouses get a say, so good to talk about it. Maybe he feels the same as you, but hasn't expressed it? And I apologize if you already addressed that and I missed that. But I think if you both get a chance to let your feelings be heard, maybe that would help? Let him know that his feelings are important to you too. It must be so hard with your job/commute and not feeling appreciated. I know many working moms/dads and stay at home moms/dads that don't feel appreciated. I am feeling like that now (not by husband but by kids). And this time of year we have to travel so much to visit all the relatives that I am a grump from our first trip at Thanksgiving to our 2 trips at Christmas. I feel it's all about everyone else, and making them happy. I used to love Christmas, but now it's so much work. And I love all the relatives, so that's not the issue. So I guess my point is that other stress makes everyday things seem so much harder! I do hope things improve for you all with your jobs and things can get back to normal! |
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Dec 22, 2015 14:10:41 GMT
Why does it make you question everything you are doing in life? I am not sure, but I don't want to wake up one morning in 17 or so years from now and realize it's been THIRTY FOUR YEARS gone. from that statement, it makes me think that you want happy with your marriage or with your life. If you think that the next 17 years in your marriage will simply be 17 years gone , then maybe you need to do something about that. I don't know if you're just satisfaction is with yourself or with your marriage. |
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Post by littlefish on Dec 22, 2015 15:38:09 GMT
I haven't been around the board a whole bunch lately but I've keep an eye out on your updates.
I think we all want to be seen and heard by those that are supposed to love us the most, and when we're not getting that, it slowly breaks us down.
I get that.
I don't have a solution for you--I think you've gotten some sound advice and things to think about already (and a few things to dismiss entirely).
I just want you to know that we see you and we hear you and some of the peas are probably in the same place as you--you are certainly not alone.
Praying for you.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Dec 22, 2015 16:34:56 GMT
Oh, gosh, ashley. Where do I start? I've been giving this thread a lot of thought over the last couple of days. First, I do understand your feelings. I've been there. And I don't think these feelings are all that unusual either despite what has been shared here. At least it's not been my experience. Where you go from here is the crossroads. It's absolutely normal to be heartbroken over what you thought your life would be like when it's so far from the life you envisioned - especially if it's gone so far off the rails, you can't see the light. It's there, though. You just have to look for it a little harder. Give yourself a little time to mourn what isn't. Remind yourself of all of the good things that are - and I'm guessing the best part of your life is your family - and then you need to create new expectations with what you have. That's all you can really do. But it isn't a life wasted just because it isn't the life you thought it would be. Having said that, I'm not at all suggesting you give up your dreams. And I most certainly do want to validate your feelings because they're real and they're important. Those dreams might have to wait, though. From what you've said about your husband, it sounds like, while he's doing a good job caring for your children, he's not really good at caring for you emotionally. If your love language is deeds, as I believe it to be, then he's failing. I have a feeling that if he committed to changing that, you could begin to repair your relationship. If he's not committed to doing that, then you have do what makes you happy. Ultimately, you have to take charge of your own happiness. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. You have to choose to be happy. Now, I'm not advocating divorce. Far from it, actually. However, your unhappiness will have a way of souring all that's good if you let it. This doesn't have to be a prison sentence, though. It's up to the two of you to decide if you can make it work better together or apart. You certainly won't hear any judgment from me. If you are really unhappy, your children will be, too. Trust me on this one. You need to be very specific with him about what you need from him, if you haven't already. And be very specific about how different your shared life will be if he can't/won't give you what you need. You're going to have to spell it out. It's obvious to me that you can't continue with the status quo but he needs it laid out for him and deserves to have it laid out for him. And then it's up to him to decide whether he's willing to fight to repair your relationship or not. I wish you the best. I hope the two of you can fix this, but I don't think it's the end of the world if you can't or that it makes you a horrible person either. This is good sound advice. I suspect the reason so many peas are giving such harsh advice is because you all can see a bit of Ashley in your past or present. I am the child of a mother who threw up deuces literally and figuratively as a child I couldn't understand why but as a woman I totally get it. O and my mother didn't divorce my dad and decide to get a nursing degree. She allowed her breast to begin actually decaying before she sought cancer treatment. All because a man she loved broke her heart. It's easy to point fingers and tell someone to "woman up" and die a silent death and if your stance is I have take a good hard look at the place your advice is coming from. I don't know when the last pea census was but last I checked most are SAHM so how can you offer up finger wagging type advice to a woman gone 12+hours a day. You just had kids by a provider that doesn't make you a better woman or mother kinda but you know where I am going. And the judgements on her overpriced education and number of children is shitty. So if she was a social worker with 1 child it would be okay? Just because she had an advanced degree and four kids she is just all out of options and should suck it up? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 17:13:46 GMT
Wow Olan...quite the lecture and finger shaking! Your stance seems to have come from your own personal perspective too...that's generally how we all view the world. But I guess it is alright for you but wrong for us because we have a different perspective?
I am not a SAHM. (I have no idea what "threw up deuces literally and metaphorically means"). I do know what it is like to have to be the breadwinner to a DH who is still in school/not able to fully provide for a family for way too many years. I am glad he came to his senses. I've stuck by my marriage when most women wouldn't have done so. Because my marriage and children are more important to me that anything else in this world. Doesn't mean I have died a silent death. It just means that other people are more important to me now than I am. Maybe that comes from being a mom for 21+ years and a wife for 25+ years.
At some point after making prior decisions on studies, careers, marriage and children, you have to live within those decisions or at least consider all when making decisions on your own personal happiness and peace. And make the life you have your happy one. Because at this stage in life, the OPs choices really cannot be all about her without it hurting others.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Dec 22, 2015 17:24:24 GMT
Wow Olan...quite the lecture and finger shaking! Your stance seems to have come from your own personal perspective too...that's generally how we all view the world. But I guess it is alright for you but wrong for us because we have a different perspective? I am not a SAHM. (I have no idea what "threw up deuces literally and metaphorically means"). I do know what it is like to have to be the breadwinner to a DH who is still in school/not able to fully provide for a family for way too many years. I am glad he came to his senses. I've stuck by my marriage when most women wouldn't have done so. Because my marriage and children are more important to me that anything else in this world. Doesn't mean I have died a silent death. It just means that other people are more important to me now than I am. Maybe that comes from being a mom for 21+ years and a wife for 25+ years. At some point after making prior decisions on studies, careers, marriage and children, you have to live within those decisions or at least consider all when making decisions on your own personal happiness and peace. And make the life you have your happy one. Because at this stage in life, the OPs choices really cannot be all about her without it hurting others. The difference is I use my perspective to find common ground not damn someone to hell when they are showing vulnerability. Nowhere did I say all peas where SAHM and if I specially addressed them and you work.... Of course we've all gotta make the life we have a happy one. It seems that's what she (And every one else for that matter) is trying to do. Since I didn't bold the take-away in my post allow me to recap. 1. I know Ashley's post shined a light on your inadequacies as wives and mothers but do take yourself out of the equation and focus on rallying around a woman who is an overstretched and overworked as you are. No effin solidarity amongst women. Annoys me to no end 2. If your husband is a provider and the only big deposit you've ever made is when your parents died....you should shut it because you couldn't stand the pressure of caring for an entire household either |
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Post by Merge on Dec 22, 2015 17:50:40 GMT
Hugs...years ago, my DH wanted to be a History Professor and had both his Bachelors and Masters and was working on a doctorate in Education. He worked as an adjunct at two different community colleges (on different sides of Houston TX) as part-time. I was the breadwinner and worked for a major HR consulting firm. That worked. Then I got pregnant with twins. DH was working on his dissertation and came to the realization that he needed to get out of the academic circle and pursue a corporate job to be able to help support our family and to pursue the family's goals rather than just his own. Because jobs in academia for young white males just didn't exist. And yes, we were willing to move anywhere in the US. Still didn't exist. He ended up getting into computer software training with an IBM subsidiary and has moved up from there. He enjoys his colleagues and makes good money now in the IT world. Probably makes 3-4x what he would make if he were still in academia. Does he wish he could have continued teaching history? yes. But he also realizes it just wasn't realistic while supporting a family. Sounds like we married almost the same guy. Substitute an MBA (earned online, because quitting work to go back to school full time was not a sound financial decision), a series of really unpleasant jobs to gain experience, and a few Six Sigma certifications for computer work and my DH's situation was much the same. We met in grad school and both hoped for a career in academia; we quickly realized after earning our masters degrees and losing out on even community college jobs to people with PhDs that our dreams were unlikely to come to fruition. We were willing to move anywhere and did move across the country to Texas just to get jobs in public school teaching, because there were very few teaching jobs in Colorado or Nebraska at that time, except in very rural areas that were unlikely to have positions for both of us. DH quickly realized that public school teaching was not what he wanted to do, and that's when he started looking at other options. Dreams are great, but the demands of raising children and the hopes of being able to retire someday, and not in grinding poverty, forced us to be realistic. Making a living in post-secondary academia is a dicey proposition at best, and tenure-track jobs that actually pay a living wage are like hens' teeth these days - particularly in the liberal and fine arts. I think the market is better in the sciences, but obviously not in the area where Ashley and her husband live and have been applying. Ashley, I feel for you, and I am definitely not going to pile on with accusations. I was concerned when you first posted about your planned commute, but understand that you feel you're doing the best thing for your family. I hope that you and your husband are able to find a path that allows you to be financially independent without killing yourselves with stress. From my perspective, it seems to me that applying for academic jobs in your field - or you husband applying for them in his field - all over the country, and preferably in less expensive parts of it, would make the most sense. I believe you've mentioned that you prefer to stay near your family, but as others have mentioned, that's not always an option when you're trying to establish a new career. I also wonder if either of you has considered public school teaching. I don't know the education system in Canada - whether there are shortages of science teachers as there are here, or whether teachers in those areas can be emergency (quickly) certified as they can here - but one of the main reasons I continue to do it is because it brings in a steady addition to DH's larger paycheck, while keeping me at home with my kids most evenings, on weekends and during their school breaks. It's definitely not for everyone, and there is a lot of romanticizing teaching as something that can only be done by people with a "calling," but in my opinion, most smart, kind people who are willing to work hard and apply themselves to learning classroom management can be good teachers. Anyway, my best wishes for a peaceful holiday season and brighter prospects in the new year. |
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Nov 23, 2024 13:07:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2015 17:53:36 GMT
Since I didn't bold the take-away in my post allow me to recap. 1. I know Ashley's post shined a light on your inadequacies as wives and mothers but do take yourself out of the equation and focus on rallying around a woman who is an overstretched and overworked as you are. No effin solidarity amongst women. Annoys me to no end 2. If your husband is a provider and the only big deposit you've ever made is when your parents died....you should shut it because you couldn't stand the pressure of caring for an entire household either Nope, still not getting your take-away....
1. Umm...relating this back to posters' inadequacies because they bring different viewpoints? really....many of us are just trying to help her with the experiences we have had -- that is solidarity. Solidarity doesn't always mean that you totally agree 100% and blow smoke just to agree and pat someone on the back. That surely isn't going to help them out of the perspective they are in. I surely don't need friends like that! Maybe you do. This world and this board would die a quick death if we became a group of 100% like-minded women. And yes, I have had my butt handed to me over the years on postings, but you know I learned something from it and it hasn't stopped me from being a part of this community.
2. I have no clue as to who you are posting about that shouldn't have a say on this thread. (My parents are both still alive and I doubt I will inherit much if anything.) The positive of belonging to a group like this is to get many different viewpoints. You related your perspective from your viewpoint as a child/your mom. I related mine as a mom/wife. That person related theirs as a SAHM. Not sure why anyone of us is more right or wrong than the other or has more of a right to post/not post.
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
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Posts: 4,053
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Post by Olan on Dec 22, 2015 18:10:38 GMT
Since I didn't bold the take-away in my post allow me to recap. 1. I know Ashley's post shined a light on your inadequacies as wives and mothers but do take yourself out of the equation and focus on rallying around a woman who is an overstretched and overworked as you are. No effin solidarity amongst women. Annoys me to no end 2. If your husband is a provider and the only big deposit you've ever made is when your parents died....you should shut it because you couldn't stand the pressure of caring for an entire household either Nope, still not getting your take-away....
1. Umm...relating this back to posters' inadequacies because they bring different viewpoints? really....many of us are just trying to help her with the experiences we have had -- that is solidarity. Solidarity doesn't always mean that you totally agree 100% and blow smoke just to agree and pat someone on the back. That surely isn't going to help them out of the perspective they are in. I surely don't need friends like that! Maybe you do. This world and this board would die a quick death if we became a group of 100% like-minded women. And yes, I have had my butt handed to me over the years on postings, but you know I learned something from it and it hasn't stopped me from being a part of this community.
2. I have no clue as to who you are posting about that shouldn't have a say on this thread. (My parents are both still alive and I doubt I will inherit much if anything.) The positive of belonging to a group like this is to get many different viewpoints. You related your perspective from your viewpoint as a child/your mom. I related mine as a mom/wife. That person related theirs as a SAHM. Not sure why anyone of us is more right or wrong than the other or has more of a right to post/not post.
You seem to think everything is about you. If that's what solidarity looks like to you then have at it. Have an awesome holiday |
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Dec 22, 2015 18:11:23 GMT
Welcome to the bucket, where you come needing just some support and love on a really bad day, and everyone armchair quarterbacks the FUCK out of your life making you feel worse.
Merry Fucking Christmas.
Ashley... put your head down, push your way through it, you'll be ok. I've never seen you happier than you have been working. JMO.
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on Dec 22, 2015 19:25:34 GMT
I don't really have advice for you Ashley just wanted to say I hope you can figure out what you need to do to help you feel better about your life/situation.
I do know that I feel like you lately, is this what my life is going to be. Nothing seems to be turning out the way I hoped or envisioned for me and my marriage and my kids and the relationships we have with each other.
I feel like a failure as a mom and in some ways as a wife. My hubby and I have a pretty much non existent relationship with our older 2 boys and I can see that our relationship is heading that way with our 17yr old.
I love my husband and we get along great and on paper it would be what most would hope for but there are things missing in our relationship and sometimes it feels like there is a wall between us if you kwim. I know we both contribute to these feelings I have about our relationship but I guess I just don't know how to change it.
I guess I feel I am at a crossroads in my life and I wonder about the what ifs and if onlys a lot lately, maybe it is a midlife crisis or maybe it just me realizing my life is not what I thought it would be at this point.
I don't think you are abnormal for feeling like you do I think a lot of women and men feel like that but I guess it is how we deal with those feelings or thoughts that is the part that is a struggle.
I know for myself I have to change the way I feel about certain things such as the severed relationship with my kids and grieve and heal from it, I don't think I have done that yet. I have to make some lemonade out of all the lemons I seem to be accumulating lol and try and make myself happy. I think I have to start liking and loving myself because honestly I don't think I do right now.
I haven't read all the posts but I hope you have found some good advice and some healing for your heart as struggle with all the feelings and thoughts you are having. Good luck in finding the answers you need to make you feel better about where you are in your life/relationship right now!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 22, 2015 19:40:32 GMT
I have no idea what "threw up deuces literally and metaphorically means 2. If your husband is a provider and the only big deposit you've ever made is when your parents died....you should shut it because you couldn't stand the pressure of caring for an entire household either --------------------------------------------------- Seriously WTF are you saying Olan?! what does throwing down deuces mean? and WHO in the hell are talking about in 2? |
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If you ever want to get together for a coffee, just PM me and we could meet. There's nothing else I can offer you but friendship and an ear. 
. Hopefully some of those people are just part time or something, but yeah, it definitely sounds like PhDs are in a tough situation of not enough jobs, and the ones that do exist aren't paying too well. I agree with those who say it's time for some practical decisions about what jobs are realistic in terms of pay, commute, lifestyle. Not soul-searching, but practical decisions. 
Refupea #39
