Have you ever had to give a eulogy?

I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. I did the eulogy for my dad. I think your idea is a good one. You can share memories that highlight different aspects of her personality.

Jane was full of adventure. we would still laugh about the time we did xyz. She was honest/caring/whatever. I remember when she helped a little old lady cross the road. Our friendship was cemented when...

I looked online for tips for delivering a eulogy. 3 - 5 minutes seems to be a good length,

ETA

"would it be wrong to make it more personal- about our friendship and the stages of life we passed through like first loves, jobs, weddings"

I really like this. People want something to connect with - how they would remember her - AND to learn something about her they didn't already know.

Did I have to, meaning was I asked or expected to?

No.

Have I? Yes.

The first time I got up and spoke at my BIL's family-only viewing. Several of us did. I started out OK and then got pretty tongue-twisted. It embarrassed me a little, but no one else cared.

I learned from that experience.

When my husband died, no one expected me to get up and speak. I thought to myself I just might like to. The night before, I wrote it all out. I did a "did you know" list about him that included all kinds of things that were specific to him. It was funny. It was personal. It painted a picture of the real man, quirks and all.

At the funeral, the chaplain spoke and when he was about to wrap it up, I stood up and took the platform. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know until that moment if I could.

As soon as I was done, my quiet son stood up and talked. And as soon as he was done, my awkward daughter stood up. And as soon as she was done, the best man at our wedding - who we had long since lost touch with - stood up and told several fabulous stories.

Each of us spoke about my husband very personally and it was an amazing experience to witness. Everyone there was laughing and crying ... and for those few minutes, it really was a celebration and tribute to a man who touched many lives.


I suggest you write out exactly what you want to say. Make it personal. Make it real. Bring her to life as you knew her for just a moment in time. And know that it is a blessing to do so.

Don't worry you'll mess it up. You probably will somehow. And that's perfectly OK. Just keep going. Try to be relaxed enough to smile and make eye contact and you will have done a great kindness for your friend.

Best of luck. 

I am sorry for your loss.

My dad and my brother.

Both times I made it very personal. Stories of growing up with them. Epiphanies with homework. also their intelligence, accomplishments, volunteer work, effects on others.

By topic, like any other speech. Started from the more general obituary type things and brought it more personally. Doing it all as stories as much as possible to show particular traits. Recognizing the loss but moving toward the humorous celebrations of life.

I typed it word for word and edited. Then printed in large font so I could see with tears in my eyes. I took tissue and a small bottle of water ( one of those short ones). I paused when I needed to, took a deep breath and no one minded when I needed to. Kept them both to about 6-8 minutes, as my sister was also giving one for our dad. I was the only one for my brother, but a speech is still a speech. You can take longer or shorter, depending on your skills and what you have to say.

If she had a favorite song prayer or poem you could use bits of it or weave the pieces through as a theme to organize her life.

Don't think you can wing this. It's a speech. Type it edit it practice it.

Both times people complimented me on the eulogies. A few asked for copies. My mom got the ones with handwritten last minute markups and changes. I later emailed or snail mailed others.

If you don't know how to use and adjust a mike see if you can get there a few minutes early, before the procession to ask. If not someone can help you when you start. Don't get flustered by the little stuff. It happens and does not take as much time as you would think. People are very sympathetic to the speaker and most are grateful they are not doing it. Public speaking at one of the hardest times in life. But you are so lucky to be the one to lead a celebration of their life. You get to be part of the healing process. [

Eta In yours, you may want to include life stories some of the universal experiences of growing up. First crushes the poster on the bedroom wall - those things you are already thinking of. People can relate to those.

]
Good luck to you and I am sorry for your loss.

My beloved grandmother died when I was in college. The night I was told of her death, I wrote a piece about how about the smell of gardenias would always remind me of her. (As an English major, I was doing a lot of writing at the time.) My parents asked me to read it to all the family while we were at the funeral home. I did... sobbing my way through it. Everyone liked it and wanted it shared at the funeral so I read it there the next day in that huge church and made it through fine. Later, my professor asked permission to submit it to a poetry contest and it did end up getting selected for publication. It felt really good to remember my grandmother in that way.

(((Cheryl)))

I wouldn't worry or overthink not having many memories of your friend's family. I think not spending a lot of time with your friends' extended family is fairly common for most people. It wouldn't even cross my mind to notice how many references you made about family. 

Since you have known your friend since you were 9, I would think that you had spent a bit of time with your friend's immediate family--mom & dad plus any siblings still living at home. If you knew any other relatives, I would mention them if there was a good story to share or impact they made on your friend and your lives. There are some people that quickly make a huge impact on you. The stories don't have to be long or complicated. (I remember how much I loved sleepovers at friend's house and the family bbqs we always had, etc.)

Funny can be a good tension breaker. Nobody wants to cry in public, and the more other people cry the more you cry... My dad's best friend did the only eulogy at my dad's funeral. (it was so sudden and unexpected that neither my stepmom or I were composed enough) The friend told the funniest story that illustrated who my dad was so well. 

I spoke for both my mom and dad. I am no public speaker and barely passed my speech class in high school. My dad's was first, and the minister that was officiating hadn't known him.  I was determined that someone who had known him would speak, but couldn't get anyone to do it.  So I wrote it out ahead, funny stories and sad, and typed it out in a big font.  The minister stood behind me, ready to take over if I needed her, and whenever I started to lose it, she gently rubbed my back. It got me through and I was glad I did it.

My moms was more difficult, actually, because I felt obligated to speak since I had for my dad. She was a difficult person and there were no funny stories or happy memories for her. She had been sick for a while so her passing wasn't unexpected like my dads, and I thought about that eulogy for a year at least.  I cried more at that one because I used the eulogy to thank all the people, staff and residents, at the life care community where she had lived her last years.  They had all been so kind to her, it made me cry then. 

Anyway, you can do this! No matter how teary you are, when you get up you will get a surge of clarity.  

I'm sorry for your loss {{{hugs}}}


As for your question, no. But most people who know me know I'd get too emotional and no one would understand me thru the tears anyway. I could write one but I wouldn't have the nerves of steel needed to deliver it. I get bad with just plain public speaking adding the loss would undo me.



As for the eulogy it should be honest. You can tell when it isn't. And yes stages of life you've been through together is great.

When my Mom passed I did part of the Eulogy, I talked about the lessons we learned from my Mom.

I used something like I learned that because of you, over and over. Having that phrase helped me to be focused.


If you are speaking for the family I would ask if there were any famous family stories that want you to include.

Both of my grandmothers, I wrote a piece for my grandfather and my dad's obituary which was read at the service.
I'm a public speaker though and I don't show lots of emotions publicly so it wasn't too difficult.

I would have lived to at MIL's service. I wanted to sing
Ding dong the.......

I am sure whatever you come up the family and friends will appreciate it.

My nephew and I gave my mom's eulogy. I was scared to death, but I am so happy that I did it.

I was only able to do my father's eulogy because we were with him in hospice for over a week. I have seven siblings and we shared stories at dad's bedside.

What saddens me is I was not able to say anything at my mother's funeral five years earlier because we were all in shock. Her death was unexpected and not one of her eight children could get up and do a eulogy.

To be honest, I loved the eulogy and it brought smiles to those who attended his funeral. I posted it on my blog if you are interested, perhaps it might help you.

craftsbybeth.blogspot.com/2012/08/my-father-dr-charles-e-casto-better.html

I did a eulogy at both my uncle and my mother's memorial services. I am the one in my family that is comfortable with public speaking and both times, my family asked me to do it. For my uncle's, I wrote about the memories my siblings and I had of him and how our relationship with him shaped our lives.

My mother's was much harder and I ended up writing and reciting a poem along with the memories that my sibling and I decided on sharing. I talked about funny incidents and had the crowd laughing along with drying their tears. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. If you start to get nervous and scared, just remember that everyone that is there is there because they love you and the person who has passed so don't worry about messing up or breaking down, they understand.

I was honored to do it no matter how hard it was.