paigepea
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Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Mar 13, 2016 14:27:05 GMT
I think you need to discuss kindness with your dd because I really don't think there is any reason to be unhappy with grandma. I'd be more hurt that my dd didn't know how to respect an elder, to be honest. Tell your dd how to advocate for herself a little bit - if she can measure ingredients by herself she should be able to figure out how to speak to grandma nicely. But to me none of the problems are a big deal. So dd will do less independently with grandma - the point is that they do activities together. If anything, your dd can learn compassion.
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Post by anxiousmom on Mar 13, 2016 14:43:15 GMT
One other thing-and I hope this doesn't sound like I am being critical because that is NOT my intention at all because this comes from a place of some one who is in her late 40's and still runs into baking tricks and tips that I learn from-but some of the best baking tricks/tips comes from baking with people who have been doing it longer than I or asking places like this message board. At nine, I may have been to a point where I was getting it and thought I knew it all, but it really wasn't until I was baking with my grandmother that I learned things like not scooping flour with the measuring cup but rather spooning it and leveling it.
There are some people here who have baking experience I could only dream of and I would give anything to bake with them to learn what I don't know. I think sometimes we get into the mindset that we know all we need to and forget that others can teach us something new. Like pie crusts. OMG, I can't bake a pie crust to save my life and I would love for someone to help me.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 13, 2016 14:46:27 GMT
My grand parents on my moms side were deceased by the time I was 5. Maybe that gave me an extra appreciation for my dads parents, I don't know. But i adored them.
They lived in Florida and we saw them 1 maybe 2 times a year if we were lucky. But we loved them, they loved us. By the time I was 12 my mother made me and my sisters plan, shop, cook dinner for an entire week. Which meant 1 week per month. Yet when I was 14 and stayed 2 weeks with my grandparents alone, no parents, no sisters I was in my glory. Both my grand parents treated me like I was 9. My grand parents wanted to show me how to do this or that. My grandmother wanted to teach me to cook. I kept my mouth shut, listened and cooked with grandma and puttered with grandpa. Because I wasn't all 'hey grandma I already know how to cook you don't need to treat me like a baby', I learned diffetent ways of doing things, different short cuts than my mother had ( which is great because my mother was only a fair cook at best, at 14 I was already better than her. ) I had 10 days of cooking 101. And you know it was fun. And by the end of the time my grandma knew I'd been playing along, we started making really fantastic dishes. I could have pouted and been sour. But I didn't. So I took what could have been a dreary situation and made it into a treasured time.
Moral of the story, I CHOSE, to enjoy my time 'learning' from grandma. In return I have new ways to do things and wonderful memories. Teach your children that they are half of the relationship with their grandparents. They can CHOOSE to enjoy that time or they can choose not to. I don't see that your mil was rude, derogatory or in anyway mean. Your DD chose to be annoyed by her grandmothers well meaning actions, so she didn't enjoy it.
Teach your children to tell their grandparents more about themselves as people.
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Post by mom on Mar 13, 2016 15:05:56 GMT
Your 9 year old *is* a little kid. Grandma wants to be involved and bake with her. Let her. I have no one to take my kids when they're sick or for some respite. I think you're blessed. You should too. Exactly that. My grandma on my Mums side wanted to spend precisely zero time with us, she made it perfectly clear we weren't welcome at her house and my grandma on my Dads side lived too far away to be involved. Is your attitude towards your mil having some impact on how they are seeing this?This crossed my mind as well. I have doubts this is all just the 9 year old perception of things.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Mar 13, 2016 15:09:06 GMT
Grandma isn't doing anything hurtful or being cruel. She just isn't being who you want her to be. Let her and your daughter find their own relationship. If you speak to anyone, it should be your daughter to have a conversation about accepting other's quirks. And I agree with peabay re: And since this is your dh's mother and he feels you shouldn't talk to her about this, you shouldn't talk to her about this. Yep this!!! You could have MIL to your house and have DD cook something all by herself... then she would know what she can do! I would probably make a big deal to Grandma about all DD learnt. Wink at the kiddo, and everyone is happy. Your DD learns that being kind to Grandma is more important than being right. And that when we love someone we accept them for who they are! My ex treats our daughter exactly the same way. At my house she makes whole meals without any supervision, at his house she can't make a brownie mix without his help, and she is 13!! We just laugh about it.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 13, 2016 15:19:23 GMT
I am shocked how many people are playing the "that's just the way she is" bullshit card. Really surprised. So it's okay for an adult to infantilize a child just because she's the grandma? No. Grandparents should be fostering independence and helping kids to grow, not keeping them in toddler mode. Because that just screams CONTROL red flags everywhere.
Your DH is an idiot for taking the "suck it up buttercup" stance. Just because he's used to being treated like an infant by his parents, doesn't make the same treatment of his kids acceptable. He should know better and want better for his kids.
Would I talk to her? Probably not in the sense of "my kids don't want to spend time with you" because that will just get defences up, but I would make sure to point out that your kids are growing and have diverse interests and abilities beyond being a toddler and what grandma thinks they are capable of. Maybe have the 9 year old bring recipes that she wants to try and see if grandmother will relinquish her hold on control if the 9 year old takes charge.
My grandparents treated me like my age, no talking down to, no infantilzing. They encouraged and fostered independence. And they took an interest in what I was doing... and not as their "helper". Baking cookies? I was in charge of the recipe and how it turned out... nothing this adult helper crap. They wanted me to succeed, not hold me back in some pointless attempt to keep me as a useless toddler.
So yes, I am shocked how many people are playing the "that's the way she is, change your attitude and your daughter's attitude" instead of trying to foster a healthy relationship with the grandparents, where the grandmother isn't screaming for control and basically driving the family away. I sure as hell wouldn't want to spend my time with a grandparent like that, I can see why your kids wouldn't.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 13, 2016 15:22:28 GMT
Grandma isn't doing anything hurtful or being cruel. She just isn't being who you want her to be. Let her and your daughter find their own relationship. If you speak to anyone, it should be your daughter to have a conversation about accepting other's quirks. And I agree with peabay re: Yep this!!! You could have MIL to your house and have DD cook something all by herself... then she would know what she can do! I would probably make a big deal to Grandma about all DD learnt. Wink at the kiddo, and everyone is happy. Your DD learns that being kind to Grandma is more important than being right. And that when we love someone we accept them for who they are! My ex treats our daughter exactly the same way. At my house she makes whole meals without any supervision, at his house she can't make a brownie mix without his help, and she is 13!! We just laugh about it. I love your "Being kind is more important than being right." Yes, yes, yes! If Gma was being mean, hurtful, etc, then I'm all over advocating for a conversation. That isn't the situation here. I also wonder how much the OPs relationship with MIL is coloring the initial post AND the daughter's relationship with Gma.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 13, 2016 15:30:07 GMT
One other thing-and I hope this doesn't sound like I am being critical because that is NOT my intention at all because this comes from a place of some one who is in her late 40's and still runs into baking tricks and tips that I learn from-but some of the best baking tricks/tips comes from baking with people who have been doing it longer than I or asking places like this message board. At nine, I may have been to a point where I was getting it and thought I knew it all, but it really wasn't until I was baking with my grandmother that I learned things like not scooping flour with the measuring cup but rather spooning it and leveling it. There are some people here who have baking experience I could only dream of and I would give anything to bake with them to learn what I don't know. I think sometimes we get into the mindset that we know all we need to and forget that others can teach us something new. Like pie crusts. OMG, I can't bake a pie crust to save my life and I would love for someone to help me. Yes, but to tell a kid that she can "help" instead of letting the kid do it herself and basically put the kid in the corner while grandma bakes? That's sucky. Sure there are tips and tricks to learn, but why not both people do the same tasks and talk about the different ways of doing stuff or talking about how things should look when they are done correctly and why they need to be done that way for a good end product instead of telling the kid to figure out how many damn 3/4 cups go into 2 1/4 cups... and be proud of it. How about being proud of a 9 year old successfully navigating a recipe on her own. I have a big problem with infantilizing kids... or anyone really. No one is going to learn if the tasks are done for them. Sure, be a guiding hand, but put them in the driver's seat to learn.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Mar 13, 2016 15:38:15 GMT
This really isn't about MIL. You aren't going to change her. This is the time for your daughter to learn. What a great opportunity to learn the language of being a self advocate in a warm, caring environment. Not everything is a confrontation. Dial the black and white thinking down a notch and see that there is a gray area in which the DD can learn and advocate for herself.
The conversation might go like this: DD: Grandma treats me like a baby. You: Tell me more DD: She wanted to make cookies but didn't think I knew how to do the math. You: So what did you tell her? DD: Nothing. I tried to tell her I knew how to do math but she wouldn't listen. You: What do you think was happening? DD: Grandma was just being Grandma. You: What do you think you could have said instead? DD: I guess I could have ______________. You: Yes, as long as you are respectful, I think Grandma would listen to you. Remember, it's been a long time since she had a 9 year old at home. Thank you for being a kind, good, granddaughter.
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Post by anxiousmom on Mar 13, 2016 15:57:02 GMT
One other thing-and I hope this doesn't sound like I am being critical because that is NOT my intention at all because this comes from a place of some one who is in her late 40's and still runs into baking tricks and tips that I learn from-but some of the best baking tricks/tips comes from baking with people who have been doing it longer than I or asking places like this message board. At nine, I may have been to a point where I was getting it and thought I knew it all, but it really wasn't until I was baking with my grandmother that I learned things like not scooping flour with the measuring cup but rather spooning it and leveling it. There are some people here who have baking experience I could only dream of and I would give anything to bake with them to learn what I don't know. I think sometimes we get into the mindset that we know all we need to and forget that others can teach us something new. Like pie crusts. OMG, I can't bake a pie crust to save my life and I would love for someone to help me. Yes, but to tell a kid that she can "help" instead of letting the kid do it herself and basically put the kid in the corner while grandma bakes? That's sucky. Sure there are tips and tricks to learn, but why not both people do the same tasks and talk about the different ways of doing stuff or talking about how things should look when they are done correctly and why they need to be done that way for a good end product instead of telling the kid to figure out how many damn 3/4 cups go into 2 1/4 cups... and be proud of it. How about being proud of a 9 year old successfully navigating a recipe on her own. I have a big problem with infantilizing kids... or anyone really. No one is going to learn if the tasks are done for them. Sure, be a guiding hand, but put them in the driver's seat to learn. Maybe this is where we see a situation through the prism of our own experiences? I grew up with helping not being a sit a watch experience, but rather a do it under supervision experience. For example, I have spent years watching my mom bake wit various grandchildren and it has never been a situation where a child watches, but rather a kid standing on a chair in an apron reading the ingredients, measuring them out, dumping them into the bowl, mixing as required. The younger kids (like the 3-5 range) get handed the measured ingredients, but much older they do it themselves with her there to stay the overeager hands. She teaches as they go. I had the same experience with my grandmother. She was there to help, but not do. I don't see, because of my own experiences, this as patronizing or infantilizing kids at all. I see it as teaching and I read that into the OP. I do it with younger kids. I had my kid's step sister over a bit ago. She was 7 and helped me make brownies. She didn't know that you could make them any other way than from a box. I did exactly what my mom/grandmother did and had her on a chair next to me helping measure ingredients, mixing and licking the bowl. I didn't do it FOR her, but with her. I think there is a big difference.
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Post by grammadee on Mar 13, 2016 16:27:27 GMT
As a grandmother, I am loving all the positive responses.
I didn't always appreciate (and neither did my kids) everything my MIL did or how she did it, but I WAS thankful that she took them after school when they had practice in the evening, or during school when they were sick. She did things for them they were perfectly capable of doing for themselves, but they learned to take it as an act of love rather than something demeaning.
And I really appreciate my dil's who give me access to my grandkids, and even if I do things a little differently from what they do, they expect the kids to respect me, and to speak for themselves to me if they want to do something differently.
Spending time with those kids is extremely precious to me, and I hope it will become part of the fabric of their childhood memories. I have baked with all of my dgd's, and each of them has different skills and interests in that area. The 13 year old is amazingly creative and wants to adjust every recipe, even if her substitutes are not what I think will work. And when the cake is in the oven, she has left the kitchen leaving a swath of flour & smudges of chocolate & bowls & spoons & other utensils all across the kitchen. One 10 year old is very methodical, but needs lots of help with measuring. She, however, loves to wash up the dishes afterward. The other 10 year old asks questions through the whole process. I think she bakes with me just to have my undivided attention.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Mar 13, 2016 16:46:39 GMT
My comment wasn't meant to say that grandma should make the child into an infant. The OP didn't say Grandma was making her wear a bib and still tries to rock her to sleep.
The way I took it was they were baking together, yet the 9 year old can do it on her own. I remember baking with my grandma and I would read the ingredients, measure it out, mix, etc. Grandma and I would interact. Heck, that's where I learned the secret ingredient in her Swedish pancakes that she refused to tell anyone. I think independently baking at home and growing the relationship with grandma through baking are two separate activities. Heck, sometimes I like to bake by myself and get it done and then sometimes I still enlist the help of my 16 and 18 year old boys if I think they are hanging out in the kitchen looking for a reason to chat. Something about being busy in the kitchen that encourages chats and stories.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 13, 2016 17:01:10 GMT
Kids are not suddenly more intelligent at nine just because we have more technology. At nine I was babysitting multiple children at night, one which was an actual baby. I also knew fractions and how to add and subtract them. The issue is your MIL wants to share experiences with your DD and your DD wants more autonomy. I agree this is a valuable lesson for your daughter to learn how to navigate relationships. That is one area where technology is not helping our children mature. When I taught in the 80's I had kids who were responsible for practically raising little brothers and sisters because both parents worked. I had kids who were ten who walked to the grocery store and ran errands for their parents. Thirty years later I have kids doing the same thing. I don't see a big difference in kids being asked to be responsible. It just depends on the parent. As far as the curriculum, yes, math is much more difficult now than it used to be. It used to be mostly computation. But if I think back to the stories my parents told me of the things that they did when they were younger? It beats what kids do now hands down (physically). I think it just depends on the era, the society, and the needs of the family. I do think that kids have the capacity to do much more now than I did because of technology. When you look at some of the science competitions that kids are competing now, it will blow you away. Some kids just use it only for entertainment.
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Post by maryland on Mar 13, 2016 17:10:30 GMT
Sure it's annoying. But I wouldn't expect most grandmothers to know when kids start doing fractions in school. She went to elementary school in the 50s or 60s. The curriculum has changed now, even if she could remember what was done in what grade. And I wouldn't turn a 9 year old loose in my kitchen. To start with, I'd consider it something we could do together. And I always cleaned up behind my kids at that age--they sure didn't do it well. If I'd never baked with her before, I wouldn't really know what she's capable of doing. Now, a good teacher would have seen what another can do, but not everyone is a good teacher. If she was cruel to your DD, said snide things about her looks or intelligence, bought one kid a gift and not another, let her 9 year old cousin bake alone... Then I'd be mad. But it sounds like I'd just look at DD and laugh a little and say, " You know Grandma." And the more time they spend together, the more Grandma would get to know your DD. And vice versa. I agree! Yes, let your daughter spend more time with grandma and that will probably be the best way for grandma to understand what your daughter can already do. She probably didn't want to give her too much freedom, because if she burned herself, or somehow got hurt, than that may be the last time grandma is allowed to spend time baking with her grandchild. I think when we are spending time with kids that are not ours, we take extra precautions just to keep them safe. At least that is what I would do if my kids and their friends wanted to bake. My friend lets her daughters stay home alone for the weekend since they were 16, but even at 18, she doesn't want them to use the oven. She lets them order out!
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Post by hollymolly on Mar 13, 2016 17:23:34 GMT
The same thing happens in my family. We have all just (well, except for me) learned to accept that's who they are and how they treat the kids. For example, DH's mom just last week sent my 14 y.o. a birthday gift - a Star Wars t-shirt and The Minions movie. His response to me was, "What am I? 7?" but his response to her was "Thank you for the wonderful gifts." When I asked him about it he said that he realized that's just the way she is and at least she was thinking of him. (Then he gave the gifts to his little cousin on the other side of the family so she will never know). I wanted to call her and remind her that he is 14 and a heck of a lot more mature, responsible, intelligent, etc. than to enjoy those things but both DH and my son said to let it go. You raised a good boy!
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 13, 2016 17:47:23 GMT
On the one hand, it is not a situation where your child is being endangered, or poisoned, or where MIL is refusing to respect your parenting decisions, or anything else that sends up a red flag for me. On the other hand, sometimes I have seen grandparents get it in to their heads to have an experience with a kid that has nothing to do with their relationship or that particular kid, but is 100% about their own needs, and I think it is fair to be on guard if what you think is happening is that your kid is basically being put in a position where they are there as an object to amuse another person, as opposed to to have enjoyable, shared family time together. I think the best way to figure out which of those situations your child is in is to help her, as others have suggested, respectfully speak on her own behalf. If grandma is trying to have shared pleasant times together, I'm guessing that she will respond to that by adjusting. Based on what you've described, she sounds like she means well and is trying, so I'd try in response to teach your daughter both empathy and self-advocacy.
I don't think a come to Jesus talk with your MIL would do anything but make you tense and make her defensive.
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mlana
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Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Mar 13, 2016 21:32:07 GMT
I'm a fixer, so I'd approach this 2 ways.
I'd find a time, soon, to sit down with MIL and tell her how much I appreciated her taking care of DD when she was sick. I'd tell her that DD really loves to cook and has been doing so at home, frequently, with wonderful results. I'd name some of the things that DD has made, preferably some things that require some math skills. I'd share with MIL that it had really made me nervous to let DD do these grownup things, but I'd stepped aside and let her learn, since DD learns best by doing. I'd ask MIL if there is a particular family dish that she would like to teach DD to make? Would she like to come to our house and teach DD there? I would be glad to buy the ingredients and clean up the kitchen when the 2 'chefs' were done. Maybe we could have dinner together that night?
I'd sit down with DD and talk with her about her day with Gma, emphasizing that Gma dropped everything to take care of DD when she was sick. I'd mention that baking cookies together is a time honored tradition between grands and that it was good that she had gotten to do so with her Gma. Since it's obvious that Gma doesn't know how skilled she is in the kitchen, maybe DD would like for the 2 of you to cook a meal for Gma and Gpa. Once Gma sees how well DD cooked, maybe she'll want to teach DD how to cook her signature dish and pass a family recipe down to her granddaughter. I'd emphasize that Gma had wanted to spend time with DD and that not everyone teaches/learns the same way. Some teach by showing, some teach by directing; some learn by doing, some learn by watching. Different people, different styles. I'd also mention to DD that some women are very possessive about their kitchens and might find it hard to let someone else cook in there.
As part of my ongoing plan to help them learn more about each other, I'd take any opportunity to praise DD's cooking and math skills in front of Gma and to praise Gma's cooking skills in front of DD. Not overtly, of course, but whenever I could work it into the conversation.
As far as your DH is concerned, he can fight his own battles. When my kid is involved, I'm going to be involved.
Marcy
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Post by magentapea on Mar 14, 2016 0:34:36 GMT
The same thing happens in my family. We have all just (well, except for me) learned to accept that's who they are and how they treat the kids. For example, DH's mom just last week sent my 14 y.o. a birthday gift - a Star Wars t-shirt and The Minions movie. His response to me was, "What am I? 7?" but his response to her was "Thank you for the wonderful gifts." When I asked him about it he said that he realized that's just the way she is and at least she was thinking of him. (Then he gave the gifts to his little cousin on the other side of the family so she will never know). I wanted to call her and remind her that he is 14 and a heck of a lot more mature, responsible, intelligent, etc. than to enjoy those things but both DH and my son said to let it go. You raised a good boy! Thank you. We think so, too (although some days . . .ugh!)
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Post by vspindler on Mar 14, 2016 0:51:03 GMT
I thank you for your perspectives. The cooking thing is just an example of what had my dd annoyed recently. And in the examples others have given, dd is being treated at the3-5 year old level of help in anxiousmom's post. It isn't just that though. MIL gives even the teenage grandkids plastic cups at meals. She offers to babysit the teenagers (the oldest is going to college in the fall). It isn't just my dd. DD is just is of the personality and age where she is less ok with it. (Yes, her personality is similar to my own. Very much my child.) The older kids have pretty much rolled their eyes and written it off as "that is how grandma is" but it doesn't make them want to do things with her either. My own mom has done a wonderful job of making the transition from treating the kids as kids to treating them as adult equals. So yes, I am a little more inclined to see the behavior as "wrong" than dh is, because he is of the"that is how she is" mentality. However, he even feels like spending time with his mom Is an obligation.
Dd doesn't want to spend time with grandma because of how she is treated. My hope was that if I said something she may want to. Make it less of an obligation. To be able to desire to spend time with grandma and not just tolerate her.
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Deleted
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Jun 15, 2024 21:53:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2016 2:51:09 GMT
My mil is one of those people who "means well, but..." She wants the grandkids to spend time with her but they don't want to because of how she treats them. She does not mistreat them in any way. What she does do is talk down to them, very patronizing, and like they are much younger than they are. Most recent example, this week my 9 yr old dd was sick and spent they day at MIL and FIL's. MIL thought she and dd would make some chocolate chip cookies. My dd is starting to cook and bake totally on her own (she loves cooking shows) but she is only allowed to "help" mil like you do with a little kid. When I picked her up MIL made a big deal about telling me how dd learned how many 3/4 measuring cups they needed to use to get their 2 1/4 cups of flour. My dd is in 4th grade but is taking advanced math (a grade or more higher). She knows how how to multiply and divide fractions, has for a while now, much less to add them. Dd was pretty put out after spending the afternoon with MIL. Like to the point where she barely gave MIL a goodbye hug.My teenage son, it may be too late for, but there is still a fair bit of time for dd to spend with her grandmother. My dh is of the mindset that the kids need to suck it up and just spend the time with grandma. ("Heck, she still treats me like I am four sometimes.") I was thinking though that if we maybe said something to MIL perhaps she would make the effort to really know dd, and dd could actually want to spend time with her grandmother. i don't know. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference. But right now she has no clue who the kids really are (truthfully she doesn't really even 'know' dh either. He is actually more himself around my family than his.) but IMO if we don't do something different, nothing will change. I think this is really what you should be focusing on and teaching your dd that the only thing she can control is her reactions It's also a good opportunity to talk about perspectives when you are working with someone else who may not know you and your abilities Working together and spending time with each other is an important step to cross that bridge. Whether you or your dd realize it, grandma is teaching a whole lot of lessons from what I can see
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Post by gar on Mar 14, 2016 8:42:13 GMT
I thank you for your perspectives. The cooking thing is just an example of what had my dd annoyed recently. And in the examples others have given, dd is being treated at the3-5 year old level of help in anxiousmom's post. It isn't just that though. MIL gives even the teenage grandkids plastic cups at meals. She offers to babysit the teenagers (the oldest is going to college in the fall). It isn't just my dd. DD is just is of the personality and age where she is less ok with it. (Yes, her personality is similar to my own. Very much my child.) The older kids have pretty much rolled their eyes and written it off as "that is how grandma is" but it doesn't make them want to do things with her either. My own mom has done a wonderful job of making the transition from treating the kids as kids to treating them as adult equals. So yes, I am a little more inclined to see the behavior as "wrong" than dh is, because he is of the"that is how she is" mentality. However, he even feels like spending time with his mom Is an obligation. Dd doesn't want to spend time with grandma because of how she is treated. My hope was that if I said something she may want to. Make it less of an obligation. To be able to desire to spend time with grandma and not just tolerate her. Have none of the children ever said anything in a lighthearted way to Grandma? If my kids had been served drink in a plastic cup as a teenager they'd have all fallen about laughing! What is said when she offers to babysit the older children? It does sound as though she's stuck in a rut with how she thinks of them which is a shame if it's affecting how the kids feel about her.
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M in Carolina
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Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Mar 14, 2016 10:08:23 GMT
My dad picked cotton when he was 3! So he's always pushed me to be extremely independent. My mom is a worrier, who came from a long line of worriers. At least my granddad was like my dad. I started baking when I was 3, and by 7, I was making all the birthday cakes for cousins, etc.
Cooking with my grandma was one of my favourite things to do when I would visit. She NEVER let me use the knives, though. I learned a lot. When she was worrying too much, I'd go hang out with granddad who let me fix engines and do stuff.
I did understand that my grandmother got really worked up over stuff, and it was just easier to go along with her than fight it. Then she got more senile, and it was easier to have the same discussion 12 times than tell her we'd talked about that 5 minutes ago--it was really embarrassing for her.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Mar 14, 2016 11:25:37 GMT
Yes, but to tell a kid that she can "help" instead of letting the kid do it herself and basically put the kid in the corner while grandma bakes? That's sucky. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have a big problem with infantilizing kids... or anyone really. No one is going to learn if the tasks are done for them. Sure, be a guiding hand, but put them in the driver's seat to learn. What's wrong with helping? What's wrong with sitting and watching Gramma or even the Mom bake and just chatting? Children don't always get to do everything they want. They don't always need to be in the driver's seat and it's also just as important to learn how to handle the social skills involved in not getting what you want.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 14, 2016 11:29:41 GMT
Yes, but to tell a kid that she can "help" instead of letting the kid do it herself and basically put the kid in the corner while grandma bakes? That's sucky. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have a big problem with infantilizing kids... or anyone really. No one is going to learn if the tasks are done for them. Sure, be a guiding hand, but put them in the driver's seat to learn. What's wrong with helping? What's wrong with sitting and watching Gramma or even the Mom bake and just chatting? Children don't always get to do everything they want. They don't always need to be in the driver's seat and it's also just as important to learn how to handle the social skills involved in not getting what you want. Well considering that I think that fostering independence is extremely important in children, I think that giving the kids most of the tasks to do is the way to go. Adults can bake on their own any time they want, what a waste of time and energy if the kid wants to bake and the adult is all like "you're too young, just sit there and watch me and talk to me". YAWN. Boring. It's not a question of them doing everything they want, it's a question of fostering good habits and using that bonding time effectively. This has absolutely nothing to do with getting what you want all the time. Good grief.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 15, 2024 21:53:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2016 11:46:59 GMT
Have you considered that your 9 year old knows more than what 9 year old in the past knew? I get it is annoying to have to be treated that way, but complaining to granny will only make it where she wont want to spend time with your kids. I would use this as a chance to teach dd about extending grace towards those around her (especially the elderly). To be honest I think your daughter is rather rude in so far as she didn't want to give her a goodbye hug after he grandmother had looked after her. Most grandparents " forget" how quick their grand babies grow up but it's just something that the grandchildren have to accept and it's far more graceful to accept this than to be obnoxious in her attitude to someone that has taken the time to share an activity with her.
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Post by beebee on Mar 14, 2016 11:51:54 GMT
I think the kids need to learn to deal with Grandma the way she is. And you might be doing this already, but it helps if you talk it up in a positive manner yourself. Kids feed off of the adults and their attitudes. It sounds like you have a great MIL!
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 14, 2016 12:06:53 GMT
Have you considered that your 9 year old knows more than what 9 year old in the past knew? I get it is annoying to have to be treated that way, but complaining to granny will only make it where she wont want to spend time with your kids. I would use this as a chance to teach dd about extending grace towards those around her (especially the elderly). To be honest I think your daughter is rather rude in so far as she didn't want to give her a goodbye hug after he grandmother had looked after her. Most grandparents " forget" how quick their grand babies grow up but it's just something that the grandchildren have to accept and it's far more graceful to accept this than to be obnoxious in her attitude to someone that has taken the time to share an activity with her. No one should ever have to hug someone that they don't want to hug. Forcing someone to hug someone just because they are grandma or whatever is a huge stomp of boundaries and personal space. Even at 9, people should have the choice to invite or not invite anyone they want to into their personal space.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 15, 2024 21:53:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 14, 2016 12:16:35 GMT
To be honest I think your daughter is rather rude in so far as she didn't want to give her a goodbye hug after he grandmother had looked after her. Most grandparents " forget" how quick their grand babies grow up but it's just something that the grandchildren have to accept and it's far more graceful to accept this than to be obnoxious in her attitude to someone that has taken the time to share an activity with her. No one should ever have to hug someone that they don't want to hug. Forcing someone to hug someone just because they are grandma or whatever is a huge stomp of boundaries and personal space. Even at 9, people should have the choice to invite or not invite anyone they want to into their personal space. That isn't the issue here. The daughter didn't want to hug the grandmother because, in her( daughter's) opinion she treated her like a child.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Mar 14, 2016 12:47:11 GMT
No one should ever have to hug someone that they don't want to hug. Forcing someone to hug someone just because they are grandma or whatever is a huge stomp of boundaries and personal space. Even at 9, people should have the choice to invite or not invite anyone they want to into their personal space. That isn't the issue here. The daughter didn't want to hug the grandmother because, in her( daughter's) opinion she treated her like a child. It is the issue. She didn't want to hug grandma. She shouldn't be forced. I don't care what the reason is. If someone doesn't want to hug someone for whatever reason, whether it's a common act or not, they should never be forced to hug or be made to feel bad because they chose to protect their personal space. Why would anyone want to hug someone that made them feel bad? Calling her rude or ultimately forcing her to hug is just gross and oversteps.
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Post by camanddanismom on Mar 14, 2016 16:00:13 GMT
I don't know...I think I would go with teaching your kids to let it go! They are fortunate to have a grandparent in their lives. Speaking directly to her would hurt her feelings. Hopefully your kids love her and wouldn't want to hurt her. You could, perhaps, give your dd some skills to deal with her better. For example, next time grandma asks your dd to make cookies, dd should say something like "you have taught me so well, I can do it myself, can I show you?" Also, talk to her grandmother about what she does at home and her accomplishments at school whenever you speak so she is more aware of your dd's level. If that doesn't work, it may be that grandma isn't as sharp as she used to be. That is ,real possibility here. My kids talk to their grandparents once a week and they spill every single thing that happens during the week! I think they know my kids better than I do!!
Good luck.
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