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Post by justkat on Apr 4, 2016 16:40:01 GMT
Dearest (Refu)peas, I need some advise. Given the "mommy wars" thread I'm a bit hesitant to post but what the hell. lol I'm in my mid/late 30s. I've worked in some capacity since I was 14. I'm a surgeon working, slightly more than,part time hours as a medical consultant due to health issues. As a result of those health issues I'm quickly reaching a point where I won't be able to work at all. So my question is, what do you do all day? If you do not work and do not have children to raise, what do you do all day? Please know I don't ask this in a demeaning way. I am genuinely curious as I'm about to be in those shoes and have no idea what I'll do with my time. I am married. My husband works 60+ hours a week. We don't have children and won't have any in the future. We don't have pets and probably won't be getting any. I may be able to do some volunteer work, though due to the health issues, it would be very limited. I'm an avid reader but you can read only so many books in a day. I'm not big on TV or movies though I'm sure I will watch some. I love to knit and quilt. However, due to the health issues, I've become limited on what/how much I can do there as well. I know I'll be able to have more of a social life as I'll have time to socialize.  But I can't fill my day, every day, with lunches and shopping trips. We'll travel a little more but again there are limitations due to health issues. I have problems with mobility, stability and strength. I'm truly worried about this. I've always been the person with a zillion things to do and a million places to be. If I had an assistant they'd need an assistant. lol Now I just imagine myself sitting on the couch staring into space bored to the brink of insanity. I worry about feeling worthless/useful as I'll no longer be contributing to either my marriage or society. I worry about boredom. I worry about being interesting and becoming stupid (not using my education, not engaging my brain). Ok that last one is probably a silly thing to worry about, not to mention I didn't word it well. But I do worry about it. I realize that my situation is a little different than the average person in that I'm not "choosing" to stay home. My hand is being forced due to health issues. I realize I have limitations/restrictions as far as what I can and can't do based on my health issues that the average person may not deal with. But I do worry about the things listed above. Realistically I might have a couple hours worth of chores a day in the morning, another hour or so in the evening when I make and clean up from dinner. The rest of the day will be wide open. So if you stay home and don't have children to raise, I ask sincerely what do you do all day. I need advise, ideas and/or suggestions. If you've read this entire huge missive thank you. I appreciate all responses and advice. Kat |
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439 
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on Apr 4, 2016 16:44:30 GMT
You might consider working with a charitable organization. There are many who need people to help with promotions, run websites and social media pages, stuff envelopes, etc. most of which can be done from home.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Apr 4, 2016 16:46:36 GMT
Aw Kat. I wish I could give you a big hug...and come out for lunch with you some time!
I had cancer nearly 7 years ago, and as a result can't have children. The thing that saved me when I was having treatment, and finding myself again afterwards, is being creative. It totally floats my boat to make stuff. I crochet, I do cross stitch, I draw and sketch with watercolours. I do a bit of scrapbooking, too. I can totally lose myself in making a blanket or a watercolour painting and it is absolutely the thing I am most grateful for. I am back at work now but still try and fit creativity into every day to keep me sane.
I hope you can find something as absorbing and relaxing.
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Post by melanell on Apr 4, 2016 16:50:51 GMT
In your situation I would try to find volunteer opportunities where you could spend small amounts of times doing the work, and in a way that works best for your current needs. I'd call or visit groups, explain your situation, and ask how you can help. You love to read, perhaps a local library could use help sorting donated books for an upcoming book sale. Things like that. Things that won't be an "every Tuesday" type of thing, but a "once in awhile" type instead. I'd also check into classes--again, ones that are a one or two class deal, perhaps, to learn new things that might turn into hobbies that you can use to fill your time. Or recurring classes to learn something like a new language, perhaps. I'd check your local library, community center, senior center (They are open to anyone over 55 around here.), performing arts theater, churches or synagogues, town hall, wherever people gather in your community. You could spend time learning something and socializing.  And perhaps those contacts can lead to more opportunities down the road. You don't have to go out to these places often, but just as often as you are up to it, and hopefully they may lead you to new things you can do at home. I personally enjoy filling my spare time with games, word puzzles, and genealogy work, along with a bit of scrapbooking. Those things kept me sane when I had my own health issue keeping me out of work and dealing with physical limitations. But everyone has their own favorite hobbies. You just need to find a few new ones to fill in for when you can't rely on your current favorites. You can also take this time to reach out to friends or family you don't see or speak to very often. It doesn't have to involve activities, but maybe a weekly phone call instead. Best wishes to you in filling your day with things to bring you contentment. |
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Post by justkat on Apr 4, 2016 16:56:17 GMT
perumbula, That's a good idea. I didn't realize there was so much that could be done from home. I know this is something I'd really enjoy and will definitely look into. Thank you. craftykitten, Thank you. I'm glad to hear you're a survivor and are back to work. That's great! I'm sure I will find creative things to do. My concern is that, because of my physical limitations, that I won't find enough to do. lol Does that make sense? I mean if I can knit but only for an hour a day what do I do with the other 20 hours in the day? I am stockpiling some projects so I will be sure to have something crafty to do. |
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Post by Fidget on Apr 4, 2016 17:00:07 GMT
I am not a stay at home wife but I do sometimes get a bit bored when I am home. Like you, not a huge TV watcher, love to read, but only for so long. I have recently started doing jigsaw puzzles - I do enjoy them. I know someone who does paint by number and the results are beautiful. Good luck.
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Post by justkat on Apr 4, 2016 17:02:35 GMT
melanell, Thank you. I hadn't thought about classes! That's a great idea. No brain atrophy there. lol I'm going to look at online classes right now. I'm also going to call my local university, explain my situation and see what they have to offer. Thank you. |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Apr 4, 2016 17:05:43 GMT
I guess it depends on what you want to focus on. If you feel like focusing inward, take classes of some sort. Art, cooking, pursue a different degree, etc. If you feel like your energy would be better focused outward, then find a volunteer position that will accommodate your physical limitations. It sounds like you have a lot to offer and could be a huge asset to any organization, particularly in a volunteer capacity.
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Post by justkat on Apr 4, 2016 17:05:56 GMT
Fidget,
Paint by number? I didn't know they still made these. We loved them as kids. I might see what's available and add a couple to my project pile (I'm hoarding, uumm I mean stockpiling projects for when I'm incapacitated). Thanks for the ideas.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 15:47:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 17:08:54 GMT
As a doctor you can be a mentor to young people starting med school.
You can research.
You can fact check.
I am quite sure any school would love to have you as a volunteer especially for their science club.
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Post by lucyg on Apr 4, 2016 17:11:01 GMT
How about you WRITE a book?! That should keep you busy for awhile. I have mostly been a SAHM (and grandma) and freelancer over the years, and I've never been bored. I do all of the things you mentioned and my days are full. If all else fails, go for a walk. I'm really sorry you're finding yourself in this position at your young age.  |
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Post by annabella on Apr 4, 2016 17:13:59 GMT
You could go to the gym everyday, take lunchtime classes. Start a meetup group for SAHW to have women to socialize with during the day. Join a bookclub. Come up with projects to do, DIY stuff around the house. Get a dog. My friend volunteers with the Daughters of the American revolution. Take language classes for the country of your next vacation. Always nice to have an end goal for something.
Do you live in a major city?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 15:47:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 17:14:23 GMT
There are a lot of courses available online. I know MIT has hundreds of open courseware classes available. DH and I were taking an electronics course for fun. Very unfair though, since he's an electrical engineer and I'm not. |
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Post by justkat on Apr 4, 2016 17:17:45 GMT
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I really appreciate it. megmc, I'm going to think about your suggestion. It's a good idea. I might contact some local schools, explain my situation and see what they think. Like you said, I could maybe do something with a science club or mentor kids who want to go into healthcare. lucyg, Thank you. I don't think that I could write a book. I love to read but I don't think I could write. Maybe a very dry, scientific article. Though I guess if I get really bored I could give it a try. Who knows, maybe I'd be the next Stephen King and would dedicate my book to the peas without whom this book would not exist. lol annabelle, Thanks for the ideas. I'm going to look into volunteering and taking some classes. maryannscraps, Thank you for the ideas. I'm going to look into classes. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 15:47:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 17:18:27 GMT
I don't work outside the home and I don't have children (by choice). At the moment I'm caring full time for my Mum so my days are full of doing things she needs me to do. However when I'm home and the husband has gone to work it is just me and a long day ahead! I fill my time with cleaning, tidying, crocheting, balcony gardening (I grow decorative plants and some fruit and vegetables), I do online courses, read, I scrapbook and make mini books of our adventures, I take very long walks with my camera, I joined some Meetup groups, I bake. Some days are a struggle to fill (and for the Captain Obvious contingent I know, I should get a job!) and I get frustrated but mostly it's ok.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,702
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Apr 4, 2016 17:30:52 GMT
With your background, have you considered teaching some online courses?
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Post by BeckyTech on Apr 4, 2016 17:34:04 GMT
If computer work is still possible, one thing you could do is maybe hook up with some medical sites (a la WebMD) and see what they require in the way of contributors for articles that they publish. You could also "volunteer" your medical knowledge on forums/sites aimed at people focused on medical issues. Volunteer time doesn't always have to be in person. You can make a big difference in people's lives via your computer.
You have tackled your own situation with a positive outlook and a great sense of humor. That would be worth writing about. If not your own story, a blog where you could write about whatever topics you want.
Big hugs to you, I so admire your spirit. |
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
Posts: 2,945
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Post by TXMary on Apr 4, 2016 17:38:57 GMT
I'm always hesitant to post on threads like these because if you don't have children and you don't work outside the home, some people think you shouldn't be breathing air.  But...my situation is a little bit like yours. I have worked on and off over the years but I had cancer 7 years ago and haven't worked since. I do not have children and will not have any. My DH also works long, long hours and he is starting to look forward to retirement. He makes a very good living and we do not need money from me. We decided a long time ago that he has the earning potential so he will do the earning. I do everything else. Although he's a workaholic and even when he's home, he never stops. I do all the usual household chores, cleaning and cooking. I do all our bills and handle our finances. I do a lot of the outside chores also. We have pretty extensive landscaping and it takes a lot of work to maintain it although I admit that the older we get (54 and 56) it's harder for us to do it and we have started to hire some of that out. Like right now, we have huge mulch piles to be spread in the beds and we have hired someone to help with that. I always have a big project in the works. My last one was redoing the kitchen, craft room and master bath cabinets. I did them myself and I love how they turned out. I am about to start on the guest bath and laundry room. I work hard around here. I also have a lot of hobbies. I am just getting back into my genealogy research and that is taking up a lot of my time as well. I am working on my health and fitness. I read. I don't watch a lot of TV. I do take a lot of online scrapping classes. I still scrap. And I cook. Almost every night. I have a lot of passions that take up my time. I am never bored. But I had cancer and was in treatment for 5 years so I do understand having limitations. When I was doing chemo, I did what I could when I could. You have gotten some great ideas and you do have so much to share with the world with your background and training. I hope you can find something that fills your world. Honestly, I am never bored. Never. And I mean it when I say I'm busier now than when I worked. There is always something that needs doing. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Apr 4, 2016 17:49:06 GMT
You might consider working with a charitable organization. There are many who need people to help with promotions, run websites and social media pages, stuff envelopes, etc. most of which can be done from home. Great idea!! Most of our dog clubs have trouble promoting themselves and getting more members because of the lack of social media knowledge and presence. If I was home more, which I do want to retire in 5 yrs I would do more dog things, volunteer more (right now most of my PTO goes to volunteering), read, scrapbook and visit with my other retired friends |
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Post by Patter on Apr 4, 2016 17:56:51 GMT
With your background, have you considered teaching some online courses? That is the exact same thing I was going to suggest! There is an amazing online homeschool that hires teachers. Feel free to check it out. I know my girls would have loved a physician as a professor as two of them are going that route. Here is the site: landryacademy.com/And here is how to apply: landryacademy.com/our-team/join-our-team/ |
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,292
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Apr 4, 2016 18:05:19 GMT
I retired on health grounds when I was 36, and I rarely have problems filling my days. Granted, I had two young children when I first gave up work, but they continued going to a childminder and/or respite care for a couple of days every week until they started school. As you have said, your illness will affect what sort of activities you can do. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I find I tire very easily, so I will often have short naps in the afternoon. When I'm not sleeping (and sometimes I could sleep for Scotland!), I do jigsaw puzzles, I plan holidays for myself and friends too, finding the best deals on flights, hotels, etc. I scrapbook and make and sell cards. I used to love to knit, but my hands are too weak nowadays to do much. I love needlepoint, and photography. I did a Photoshop course at college and got a lot of pleasure from that. My DH and I separated last year, and I'm moving back to my childhood home shortly. I've been restoring pieces of furniture that I've bought through Gumtree (like Craigslist), and would like to do that for others once I have filled my own house! I used to go walking with a friend two or three mornings a week, but my mobility hasn't been great recently so I've stopped that. I do enjoy swimming - would that be something your condition will allow? I like to try out new recipes, although DD20 and DS18 are not the most enthusiastic eaters. I enjoy baking, however my oven broke down a couple of months ago, and I refuse to pay to get it fixed as I'm not going to be here much longer.  I like to read a lot too, and have a subscription to The Economist so that I can still hold my own in intellectual company. Actually, I don't know when I was last around intellectuals, but you know what I mean! Sometimes it's hard to hold a real book or magazine, so I use my Kindle a lot, and also have Readly and Next Issue apps for magazines. I watch very little actual TV, but I do enjoy binge watching the occasional series, and am just about to start The Sopranos, which I have never seen. I used to do voluntary work, but my daughter became very unwell when she was 15, and I had to drop it all, as I never knew when it would be safe to leave her. I got a lot of satisfaction from that, and made a couple of friends too. And I potter. A lot. I don't feel the need to fill every moment with an activity. Some days I don't have the energy, some days I don't want to see people, some days I don't have the motivation. Never underestimate the importance of pottering!  |
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
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Post by mlana on Apr 4, 2016 18:17:11 GMT
I was also thinking you could work with homeschoolers.
I homeschooled both of my kids at some point and finding knowledgeable science teachers was hard. My background is more math oriented, but I really wanted both kids to have a firm foundation in science. I bought a lot of online classes, some with kits, to do with them, but the best resource was a friend who had a background in chemical engineering and whose DH was an dr/anethesiologist. They were great about answering questions or making suggestions as to how I could set up a lab environment at home. I would have killed to have had access to someone like you who obviously has extensive and intimate knowledge of human anatomy.
We were also members of a homeschool co-op that met one day a week. We parents would get together and try to find competent teachers for different subjects. Sometimes these teachers were homeschool parents and sometimes they were professionals in the field they were teaching. Some of the best teachers were retired professionals who had a lot of knowledge that they wanted to share. The average 9 week course cost about $50-65, with all of it going to the teacher. There were occasions when some of the kids were not perfect students, but, for the most part, the kids were taking classes because they were interested in the subject and the fact that Mom or Dad were somewhere on the premises didn't hurt, either.
Just a thought.
Marcy
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Apr 4, 2016 18:20:43 GMT
Anything I was going to suggest has already been shared. There are some great ideas in this thread. I'm sorry for your health issues. I've had some health issues that were physically limiting and that was SO hard for me to deal with. I love being active and brings able to do whatever I want. To have that taken away is horrible. It's a legitimate concern and I love how you are facing it. I think you'll be ready for whatever comes your way because your attitude is great and you are already looking for solutions. Keep it up!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 15:47:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 18:26:54 GMT
Learn Spanish and become a translator. Medical translators are worth their weight in Gil. And you can take the jobs you want.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 15:47:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 18:46:39 GMT
I was wondering with your medical background if you could be a good resource for medical missions (even if you can't travel with them), mission clinics and other doctors who are in small practices who may not have as many connections (especially small town doctors)?
I think teaching online could be a good experience too -- at any level and I know that there are some of the larger school districts (such as Houston) that have a whole High School for kids who want to be medical professionals. Mentors are always in demand!
Otherwise I would try to find some other place to volunteer. Do you have a hobby? Could you make and donate?
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 4, 2016 18:47:38 GMT
Schools, especially elementary schools, are constantly looking for volunteers. Our school always has opportunities for people to do what they can, everything from helping kids learn to read or do math, fixing library books in the library, help out with the annual fundraiser (everything from making themed decorations to arranging donation pickups, calling businesses that have sponsored the event in the past, etc.), there is always stuff that needs to be done.
Some things my MIL did after she retired (she had many limiting health issues too): she drove cancer patients to and from their appointments, recorded audio books for the blind, helped out at the food pantry, knitted hats for babies (she made HUNDREDS of baby hats), I can't think of what all she did. She kept really busy.
My mom did volunteer manicures at a nursing home for many years and volunteered in her church. A family friend led craft sessions with seniors at a different nursing home.
I think once you start really thinking about all the other things you might have an interest in doing or learning about now that time is no longer a constraint, you will start finding your days filling up overnight. Seriously, I could entertain myself endlessly watching YouTube crafting tutorials, taking online and community ed classes, having lunch with friends and volunteering. I will never, ever be bored. I'm looking forward to that time in my life when I can do just that without feeling like I ought to be doing something else.
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Post by femalebusiness on Apr 4, 2016 18:58:46 GMT
If you are able, garden. Gardening is the best way that I truly enjoy myself. Start small, even in pots on a balcony. Experiment growing all kinds of beautiful and tasty plants. If you actually can start working in the yard...watch out. It gets addicting really fast.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Apr 4, 2016 19:28:30 GMT
If computer work is still possible, one thing you could do is maybe hook up with some medical sites (a la WebMD) and see what they require in the way of contributors for articles that they publish. You could also "volunteer" your medical knowledge on forums/sites aimed at people focused on medical issues. Volunteer time doesn't always have to be in person. You can make a big difference in people's lives via your computer. I was thinking along these lines as well. As well as the related ideas of mentoring and teaching on-line courses. All of these possibilities might allow you to still use the prodigious skill set you have in a way that continues to make quite a contribution. |
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Apr 4, 2016 19:45:26 GMT
As a doctor you can be a mentor to young people starting med school. You can research. You can fact check. I am quite sure any school would love to have you as a volunteer especially for their science club.  This is what I thought of right away as well. |
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 4, 2016 20:08:20 GMT
Fidget, Paint by number? I didn't know they still made these. We loved them as kids. I might see what's available and add a couple to my project pile (I'm hoarding, uumm I mean stockpiling projects for when I'm incapacitated). Thanks for the ideas. You can order your own from a photo, too. They are really cool: link
I'm sorry you are unable to work. DH struggles with this, too. Some days are just hard to fill for him. He does a little consulting, puzzles, watches sports on TV, and is able to cook dinner.
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But I can't fill my day, every day, with lunches and shopping trips. We'll travel a little more but again there are limitations due to health issues. I have problems with mobility, stability and strength. 
And perhaps those contacts can lead to more opportunities down the road. You don't have to go out to these places often, but just as often as you are up to it, and hopefully they may lead you to new things you can do at home.
This is what I thought of right away as well.