breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,367
Location: PNW
Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on Apr 7, 2016 15:16:36 GMT
My mom sent a group email to my sisters (there are 2) and I yesterday about what things of hers we would like when she dies. She is in her early sixties and not sick but I'm guessing since my step-dad who I have no relationship with (he hates me, long story) has a fatal illness it is on my mom's mind? Anyway, one of my sisters lives across the country so having this conversation in real time is not going to happen (plus we all hate phones, it's genetic...) Anyway my mom mentioned a couple of specific things she had in mind for each of us, and some things we could divide up.
One sister doesn't like "stuff" and doesn't want anything.
The other sister said "why bother BreetheFlea is going to get everything anyway."
I'm not sure how to respond to that. When my Grandma died (in 2008) my Aunt and Cousins took all the "good stuff.". I refused to take anything except a few books until my Grandma was actually dead (she was in and out of the hospital for months). I have a glass chicken, a wall plate with a saying on it, a rubber mallet and a microwave. These were all left when I helped clean out the apartment (both sisters were there that day) and no one else wanted them. I did not take off with the family treasure chest. I did borrow the photo albums, scanned every photo, made a bunch of disks and gave one to everyone. Then I gave the albums back to my mom and my aunt.
I am not sure how to respond to this conversation without starting WW3, and I'm not sure why my mom brought it up in the first place.
Families...Grrrrr.
Death talks...Grrrr.
Sisters...GRRRRR!
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Post by melanell on Apr 7, 2016 15:23:21 GMT
I would just say "I'm not sure why you feel that way." or "What makes you say that?". It seems like it might be better to find out what's going on in her head now when your mom is well than years down the road when she possibly isn't, kwim?
Hugs!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 7, 2016 15:23:57 GMT
Oh I hear ya. My sisters (two also) are a real piece of work. I joke that mom should've stopped at 1 kid (there are 5 total) but #1 is the biggest pot stirrer of all.
Mom is 80 now and has some things I'd like so I talked to her about it and just said that I would like her dolls. We spent many a time going places to collect them and nobody else would have any interest. I'm the only one with a girl (although they can be passed to boys) so I'm hoping that I get them. I don't think there's anything official written down and I know those cleaning out her house at the end won't give me a damn thing (I wasn't offered a single thing of my dad's 16 years ago).
I also have jokingly hope mom will give all her $ to charity. We're a bunch of in-fighting idiots. Nobody can stand the other and the jealousy is running thick as fleas. Makes me crazy!
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Post by threegirls on Apr 7, 2016 15:29:52 GMT
I would tell mom to just decided for herself who gets what. She needs to make it very specific and in writing. Long story short; my dh and his sister haven't spoken in 12 years because of an antique fireman's helmet. His dad wasn't specific enough in the will as to who should get it or what should be done with it.
My middle dd is already claiming stuff that she wants after my departure even though there are no indications that I will be leaving this earth soon. She is nine!
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Post by Skypea on Apr 7, 2016 15:31:20 GMT
I would just say "I'm not sure why you feel that way." or "What makes you say that?". It seems like it might be better to find out what's going on in her head now when your mom is well than years down the road when she possibly isn't, kwim? Hugs! I'd be asking - your mom and your sisters.
I'm planning to do the same with some friends - ask them if there's anything I have that they would like. I want to be sure (if it's possible) it is in writing for my son who will be in charge if/when something happens to me.
we shouldn't really put it off til we are actually on our death bed. sometimes it comes quickly / unannounced.
It's better to figure it out in advance when your brain is functioning too.
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
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Post by threegirls on Apr 7, 2016 15:34:24 GMT
I would just say "I'm not sure why you feel that way." or "What makes you say that?". It seems like it might be better to find out what's going on in her head now when your mom is well than years down the road when she possibly isn't, kwim? Hugs! I'd be asking - your mom and your sisters.
I'm planning to do the same with some friends - ask them if there's anything I have that they would like. I want to be sure (if it's possible) it is in writing for my son who will be in charge if/when something happens to me.
we shouldn't really put it off til we are actually on our death bed. sometimes it comes quickly / unannounced.
It's better to figure it out in advance when your brain is functioning too.
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
That's a really good idea. I like that.
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Post by melanell on Apr 7, 2016 15:38:02 GMT
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
I've been thinking about doing this for some of my possessions and the possessions of my parents (with their permission, of course), just so that we don't forget over the years. Sometimes now I find I have a vague memory of something and when I go asking around, people can no longer remember clearly, or they just never knew, and I realize that the person who originally told me is no longer alive. I recently found a broach that I have, and I can't recall who gave it to me or who it used to belong to. I was guessing one grandmother, or perhaps my great-grandmother originally owned it, but I just don't recall. So now I'm passing around a photo of this silly thing to ask people who might now where it came from.
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Post by miominmio on Apr 7, 2016 15:40:15 GMT
I would tell mom to just decided for herself who gets what. She needs to make it very specific and in writing. Long story short; my dh and his sister haven't spoken in 12 years because of an antique fireman's helmet. His dad wasn't specific enough in the will as to who should get it or what should be done with it. My middle dd is already claiming stuff that she wants after my departure even though there are no indications that I will be leaving this earth soon. She is nine! My daughter is nine, and is doing the same thing!!
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Apr 7, 2016 15:40:55 GMT
Ouch! That had to sting. I'm not sure what it is about inheritances and family, but it does seem to bring out the worst in many. I would probably do a Reply All and ask what makes her say that. If she's going to open her mouth, put her on the spot and make her own it. From experience I can tell you that ignoring her comment won't make the situation improve or disappear. Better to take that bull by the horns!
We are going through something similar right now. Mom is almost 80 and in bad health. There is a strong possibility of assisted living in the next year. She lives in a house that I own (and have a good bit of furniture in), while another sister lives with her to provide assistance. The third sister hasn't been bothered to visit, call or remember things like Mother's Day or birthdays for many, many years. Mom has made it clear that she would prefer this sister get very little, if anything. Yet she is the one on the phone this week with the "I wants". Good thing she is a few states away because I'm ready to throttle her. All this drama over stuff. At the end of the day that's all it is, stuff.
On the positive side, you should be happy your mom is trying to sort this out now. If you can get it all hammered out now, perhaps things will go more smoothly when she does eventually pass (may that be many long years from now!).
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,788
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 7, 2016 15:44:49 GMT
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
That's a great idea! I wouldn't respond at all. I understand the sister drama and personally, I just can't get involved because then I allow my feelings to be hurt or I get all outraged or something. For me it's better to just not even respond. Though this is a timely discussion in our household...the decision was made this weekend that my mother will be moving in with us. I have a little bit of resentment that my sisters can't act like adults and help out, but I am working on accepting the situation and I ultimately want what's best for my mom. Mom happens to have a beautiful antique dresser which sister asked if she could have this weekend. First, it's huge and mega heavy and she would have no way to move it several states away. Second, mom uses it and still needs it. Mom said yes and I jumped in and said, "how about we wait on that...you taking it now means *I'M* going to have to purchase something to replace it because mom still needs the storage space." She was all kinds of pissed but you know what? I don't even care. Today at least. Gah. Sister drama!
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 7, 2016 15:46:45 GMT
I would give it all up just to have more time w/my mother. We had that conversation when she was dying and it was creepy even then. When my mil starts talking like that I immediately cut her off and tell her that she's too important to us and we'd rather have her w/us than her stuff.
Remind your mom that she's young and still very alive and that it's a morbid conversation to have.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Apr 7, 2016 15:47:49 GMT
having the death talk before is much better. Knowing someone's wishes is a lot easier on the family left behind. Death brings out the crazy in a lot of people. But if there was something particular that you wanted its best to get it all out now. So everyone is fair. Then the rest can be a fight. There is no easy way to deal with it.
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Post by Skypea on Apr 7, 2016 15:48:34 GMT
I'd be asking - your mom and your sisters.
I'm planning to do the same with some friends - ask them if there's anything I have that they would like. I want to be sure (if it's possible) it is in writing for my son who will be in charge if/when something happens to me.
we shouldn't really put it off til we are actually on our death bed. sometimes it comes quickly / unannounced.
It's better to figure it out in advance when your brain is functioning too.
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
That's a really good idea. I like that. I've inherited from my mom and from my Xs mom (who inherited from her parents and FILs parents). for yrs I could keep it all straight and just rattle off what came from where. I've noticed in more recent yrs that I find myself scratching my head and asking myself 'now who did that come from'? I can keep track of what came from my mom (it wasn't much) but from his mom and 2 gparents homes? (a lot!) not anymore.
my #3 son emailed last night to ask what time of the day he was born. again, yrs back I remembered those things and was sure I'd never forget... last night? huh... I know it was after midnight on a Sat and probably before 6 a.m. Sunday - ok, a 6 hr span. Maybe he's lucky I remember the date?
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Apr 7, 2016 15:53:08 GMT
Please do not interpret anything I say as a judgment because it is far from intended in that manner - I have never understood all the fights that people have over stuff, even sentimental stuff. At the end of the day it is still stuff and the person(s) fighting for it can't take it with them when they depart from their life either. I also don't understand how so many people think thye are entitled to an inheritance. WTH? If I didn't work for it or earn it then I am ceratinly not entitiled nor should i count on it. I have seen siblings fight in my Dad's family when his parents died. Heck, there were many cleaning out the house before Grandma passed and when she was able to return home for awhile stuff was needed to be brought back. My cousin took her microwave. How freaking much is a microwave and what sentimental value does it have?
My parents divorced after a very long marriage and my Mom went bonkers wanting everything, including things that were from my Dad's side of the family. She went so far as to take all the family pics of my Dad's family. They are in a box somewhere and likely will end up with my brother. My Dad wanted to simply get a divorce and move on so he let her have neartly everything, coming out of the process with a different look at possessions. He realized that they are things, the real memory is what you carry in your heart and those can't be taken away. I have rather adopted that thought. I have things, too many things, but at the ed of the day, they are just things and I won't be fighting anyone for other people's things. I did ask my Dad to please allow my younger son the gift of my Dad's service sword from his military service when he passed. it was the only thing i have ever asked for and it wasn't for me. My Dad gifted the sword to my son last year and my son was tover the top hrilled. It is in good hands. My Dad said he wasn't ready to part with his medals and I laughed because I didn't eevn ask for those. My Dad has remarried and I really am not sure if his wife, who I do get along with, would have passed this along or if her kids would have ended up with it.
Good luck in this situation. I for one probably would not even bother to ask what your sister's statement meant because frankly, it is her issue and nothing said will likely change the situation. Some people wear their panties too tight..
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Apr 7, 2016 15:54:41 GMT
Honestly, I'd ignore your sister. This 'conversation' isn't about her and her bitchiness, it's about letting your mom know that you have good memories of her. IME, when someone starts talking about divvying up their stuff, what they really want is to hear that it has value to someone else, and by value, I mean memories that you treasure.
For instance, my Granny gave me her china cabinet, not just because I asked for it, but because I told her I remembered staring at what was in it for hours when I was a child. The china cabinet has no monetary value, needs completely refacing and reglassing, but my cousins would have fought me tooth and nail over it just because they are buttholes and it might be something they could have sold. Do I need a china cabinet that will cost me more to repair than a new would cost? Nope! Not at all. But I'm the oldest grand child and the only one who ever paid any attention to the thing.
My advice - I'd answer the group mail by saying that, since no one else responded with a list, you'll privately send Mom a list of what you'd like to have after you think about it a bit. Make a list of the things you'd really like to have and don't worry about being fair or not asking for more than your share. Ask for the things you'd really like to have and TELL your mom WHY you want them. You don't sound like a grabby person, so I'm betting that you'd want things that have special memories for you, rather than just the monetarily valuable things. Don't hesitate to ask for things with monetary value, though. Your mom will feel better about things she has spent real money on if one of her kids wants them after she's gone.
I'm only 50, but my DH had a stroke last year and, though he made a full recovery, it really made me start thinking about my own mortality. I've spent some time thinking about what I would want each of my kids to have and what each of them might want. I know my DS would like my David Winter Cottages - not because they have any monetary value (they don't) but because they were bought before his sister was born and he got to help choose each one. He knows where each hidden mouse is and where to find Nessie. Since I stopped buying the before DD was born, she has no such memories of them. She'd rather have my craft stuff, since that's what she and I did together. The two of them will fight tooth and nail over my scrapbooks and gardening stuff, though, since they both have some very special memories attached to those things. Can't you just see the judge's face when he has to hear a court case over who gets the $2 trowel from Wal-Mart that I've used in every garden I've ever planted? I taught both of my kids how to plant using that trowel and they have both told me in no uncertain terms that they want it.
Know how that made me feel? It made me feel LOVED, because they want it because of the memories it represents of the time we spent together using it. That's what your mom is after, that feeling of knowing you will remember a special time with her every time you look at this thing that she left behind.
Marcy
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 7, 2016 15:57:52 GMT
I think that isn't very kind of your sister to say. I might ask why she says that, or not depending on the dynamic, her personality, and if it really bothered me or not.
I'm like your one sister. I don't like stuff. I barely like all the stuff in my own house. I don't want things from other people. And I sure as hell don't want to fight about it.
My grandma played the drums. No one wanted her drum set. My son plays drums. I said, "I would be happy to have that for my son if no one wants it". My mom's family lost their damn minds. First they were upset I wanted nothing, then they were upset I wanted "something so valuable that they could sell for money!".
I didn't play their game, and told them that was fine, I just saw it in the corner of the basement. They argued amongst themselves over that damn drum set for days. I wasn't even in the conversation.
I see why people want to ask people, assign things, etc. so it can be in writing. Families will fight over the most random crap (drums no one else plays or wants) when they are grieving and upset.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Apr 7, 2016 15:59:08 GMT
My MIL is getting a jump on that and just doling out the stuff. When we were there last summer I came home with bags of quilts made by various family members. She's going to give me her ceramic xmas tree that lights up which I have coveted since I married into the family. For years my SIL was always going on about how this and that was hers when my MIL died. They no longer speak so that ain't happening. I hope it all goes to the grandkids. Funny, all those things I thought would be great to have when I was 30 are now things i would struggle to find a place/use for at 50.
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Post by Skypea on Apr 7, 2016 16:05:18 GMT
having the death talk before is much better. Knowing someone's wishes is a lot easier on the family left behind. Death brings out the crazy in a lot of people. But if there was something particular that you wanted its best to get it all out now. So everyone is fair. Then the rest can be a fight. There is no easy way to deal with it.
This is better. I do remember when my mom would bring things up saying things like 'don't worry about it mom. things don't matter, you do'. blah, blah.
well, duh. it mattered to HER! so it should have mattered to me (even if it wasn't something I wanted). I'm very grateful that she had her funeral/burial etc all set up, written out with the funeral home, paid for etc. They even had her dress there! And still 1 sister tried to change what she wore in her casket! 2 of us blocked her and it was done as mom wanted it done. Whatever anyone else said about it (and nieces and a nephew were ticked at us) we just told them that the funeral director already had gma's wishes in her own writing and that's what would be done.
For the ease of their minds, do it when they bring it up.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,200
Location: Alabama
Jan 29, 2015 16:24:49 GMT
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Post by janeinbama on Apr 7, 2016 16:14:16 GMT
It is much better to have this conversation NOW. When the time comes you will be glad to know what your Mom's wishes were. Right now this is for her more than for you and your sisters. It is not easy thing to deal with, especially if your sisters aren't cooperative.
My DH and his brothers wanted no part in listening to their parents' requests funeral song choices, particular retired preacher if he was able, out of state old friends and extended family to notify. I sat down with them and wrote out all their wishes. Years later, when the end was near for my MIL, my DH was with his brothers, they wanted the info, same with FIL. As I have said before, my Dad and brother died 9 years apart and we were left to deal with all. My Dad had taken a steno pad and made a few notes before he had surgery, convinced he would die on the operating table (he did not). He died 4 mos later at 53. It was a comfort and an honor to follow his requests. My brother was divorced with minor DDs, so my Mom, sister and I decided to mirror my Dad's funeral.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on Apr 7, 2016 16:24:56 GMT
That's such a tough conversations. I already know things are going to get ugly when my parents pass on. I know my siblings.
I like what others have said about it being "stuff" to us, but it's important to them. I don't want much from my parents. I got the piano already; it wasn't worth much and no one else would actually use it. But it's something and it's a big thing. I've told my mom for years that I only want one thing, and she never remembers that I want it. I doubt I'll get it. It's worth some money (unlike most of my parents' stuff) so I suspect my brothers are going to be big fat babies about it.
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Post by krazykatlady on Apr 7, 2016 16:26:52 GMT
I would give it all up just to have more time w/my mother. We had that conversation when she was dying and it was creepy even then. When my mil starts talking like that I immediately cut her off and tell her that she's too important to us and we'd rather have her w/us than her stuff. Remind your mom that she's young and still very alive and that it's a morbid conversation to have. I understand and agree that it is morbid and uncomfortable to talk about. But let me give you something to think about. It's something I'm dealing with now, having an 88 year old mother in poor health who's constantly bringing up the subject. Her possessions mean a lot to her and while some of it seems like just regular old stuff to me, it is all "valuable" to her. My mother was widowed at the age of 47 and she feels like she accomplished a lot learning how to take care of and provide for herself. She hates the thought that everything she worked so hard to obtain might not be appreciated and wanted. She even said recently how sad it makes her feel to think no one wants her 'stuff'. I don't want to discuss it because I don't want to think about her passing on, but I'm forcing myself to do it because I want her to feel good knowing her possessions won't be tossed to the curb. I can get past the icky part knowing my mother is happy. I'm on my phone and I don't know how to bold my text so I'll repeat ... Do it because it makes your loved one happy knowing their "stuff" is appreciated and wanted. On the other hand, my sister has been claiming things for years. Not physically taking anything yet but we all know what goes to her when mom passes on. My brother and I say she'll be pulling up a moving van the day mother dies. She did actually take mother's kitchen table last year (I even wrote about it here) and there was a major rift because of it that we're just now putting to rest for my mother's sake. She "wants to die knowing all my children are living in unity".
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Apr 7, 2016 16:26:59 GMT
Also another benefit of dealing with it now. Your mom is of sound mind. No ailments, medications that others can use to say oh she didn't know what she was saying. Its truly sad that it really does come down to this in most situations. I'm really happy I'm an only child.
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Post by anniefb on Apr 7, 2016 16:29:58 GMT
having the death talk before is much better. Knowing someone's wishes is a lot easier on the family left behind. Death brings out the crazy in a lot of people. But if there was something particular that you wanted its best to get it all out now. So everyone is fair. Then the rest can be a fight. There is no easy way to deal with it. My mother asked my brother and me if there was anything particular we would like as mementos long before she passed away and we chose a few items each which were noted down on instructions to the executor/trustees (of which I was one). The understanding was we would divide up other family items we wanted to keep in an equitable way and that's what we did. I preferred the approach my Mum took to just leaving everything up in the air - I lived with her while my brother and his family were overseas and IMO it helped avoid arguments over who would take what. That's the whole point of a will and setting out your wishes for how you want your estate dealt with
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Post by Linda on Apr 7, 2016 16:50:22 GMT
((((Hugs)))
I think it's good to have that conversation so your mum can note in her will what specific things (if any) she wants specific people to inherit.
My MIL (in very poor health) doesn't have a will nor many belongings but she wants it all sold and divided between her 3 surviving children. While she was in hospice (she's now back in rehab), there were grandchildren squabbling over her stuff, sigh.
My mum (in good health) has said her lawyer asked about making a list to have in her will but she 'plans to sit on a cloud and watch [me and my sister] fight over everything' - it won't happen - there are very few things either of us will want and my sister and I are pretty much in agreement about them - we have very different tastes from each other and from mum
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 7, 2016 17:35:21 GMT
My grandparents had the conversation with my mom and her sisters and as a result, when they passed everything was tagged and marked with who gets what.
My mom had this discussion with us years ago. There are five of us that come from three different combinations of parental genes. We all know precisely what we want and what we are getting. About every two years or so, she checks back in with us and if something has changed, the list (and will) gets updated. We all actually have fun with it and the horse trading that goes on is hysterical. To date, none of us have ever squabbled and all have that thing that is meaningful to us.
It could be a difficult conversation for sure, but I think having it ahead of time makes a lot of sense. That way, expectations are managed and everyone knows what is going to happen. We know what will happen if one of them precedes the other and what would happen if they pass together. We know who has the financial power of attorney, who has the medical power of attorney, who the executor will be and what the executor will paid for doing it. It has all been set up in advance, discussed and issues addressed and there will be no surprises for any of us.
It makes sense for us and has worked out really well.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 1, 2024 9:31:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 17:46:21 GMT
I'm sorry. That had to hurt. Situations like this bring out the worst in families. When my grandmother on my dad's side passed, one of the siblings actually stopped at the house between the funeral and the dinner afterwards to claim some stuff that he said "mom wanted me to have". Everyone was annoyed but no one said anything. It shows what kind of person he is.
My grandmother on my mom's side had taken in foster children for several years. One of them had been with my gram since she was a baby. Foster rules were different back then and she became a permanent foster child which I don't think happens anymore. She was never adopted but was very much a part of the family. As an adult she got into trouble quite a bit and stole from my gram which distanced her from the rest of the family a bit. My gram never gave up on her though and was always trying to help her. As my gram was getting close to the end of her life, the foster daughter who had moved a few hours away, came to visit and spend the final days with her. She stayed in her house and slowly snuck things to her car that she wanted to keep. What a mess that turned into. Most of us would have just let it go, memories are more important than stuff to us but my sister didn't let it go. There was one specific item that had no monetary value but such sentimental value that she insisted she return so we could all as a family decide where it would go. I felt like the fighting was so disrespectful to the memory of a wonderful woman who gave us so much through the years.
I would probably just straight out ask your sister what she meant by that. Maybe she thinks you got something from someone that you didn't. Wouldn't it be terrible if she had bad feelings about something that never happened and you never got to straighten it out? I hope you can get all this resolved now so you never have to deal with it again.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 7, 2016 17:52:52 GMT
Absolutely cooperate with your mom to have this conversation NOW and to make sure she writes all of her decisions down in a legal will. It will save ALL of you a whole lot of headaches (and possibly a LOT of money) and maybe hurt feelings down the road. It also will help keep people honest in the short term if they know she has specified that certain people will get certain things down the road. Here's my story/PSA (warning, it's LONG). I have seven siblings (one died years ago). Way before my mom passed away, she would talk about this kid getting this or that and even went so far as to write (in pencil) on the back of certain pieces of nice furniture someone's name. What she should have done was put it in her will who should get what. As the years went on, one of my sisters was notorious for going to "visit" my mom, and while doing so, would go through her cabinets, closets and dresser drawers. If she came across something she wanted (typically things of some value), she would ask, "Mom, are you using this? Because if you're not, I sure could use it right now at my house." This was everything from expensive kitchen equipment to jewelry to my mom's china service, even MY serger which happened to be at mom's house because my brother borrowed it to fix a jacket! To a fault, my mom would tell her, "Sure, go ahead, you can use it." So my sister would take it home. For some things too big to take home or that there wasn't an immediate need for, my sister would write her OWN name on the back. No one else wanted to take stuff from my mom while she was still alive. Even if one of us did want something mom wasn't of sound enough mind at the end to remember it or to even be able to change her will at that point to reflect what we would have liked to have as a meaningful memento. That has to be done BEFORE a person is incapacitated. So basically, once mom died there was very little left in her actual possession to divide up because my sister had it all already for years! When her lawyer had everyone come up with a list of items we remembered our mom having at the house, over half of the items on our group list were listed as either previously gifted or unknown (even though every one of us knew exactly where the stuff was--at my sister's house). But at that point, if it wasn't in mom's possession anymore and really hadn't been in years, it was off the table. Now, the thing that really sticks in my craw isn't that my sister walked off with most of our mom's stuff leaving nothing for the other SIX of us (which was bad enough), it was because none of this was specified in the will (along with some other important matters that my mom refused to deal with when she was of sound mind), so the whole mess went through probate and it took over FOUR YEARS to settle. It ended up costing over $20K in legal fees to settle my mom's very modest estate. It was a nightmare, and all of those legal fees came straight off the top before anyone else got a single penny--or anything else for that matter. Had the physical possessions been listed in the will, those items could have been dispersed immediately. If it's stated in the will that so and so should get this or that, the odds of it happening will greatly improve as there will be zero doubt as to what your mom wanted to do. Once you start getting lawyers and judges involved it starts getting messy and expensive, especially if people are the type to fight over particular things, and the odds of each person getting what they truly wanted shrinks. And to add insult to injury in my family's case, what was left was divided up by the court seven ways so my sister got ended up getting another 1/7th over and above everything else she had taken previously. I'm sure both of my parents were rolling in their graves over how that whole mess was so horribly and unfairly mishandled, and the whole thing could have been avoided if my mom would have made clear directives in her will as to who should have gotten what while she was still able. Oh, and one last thing: if there is any way to name beneficiaries for anything, make SURE that happens. Part of our problem was that not everything that should have had beneficiaries named actually did, so those accounts had to go through probate before they could be split up, adding time, expense and hassle to what should have been fast and easy. I sincerely hope your family doesn't someday have to suffer that same fate.
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Post by auntkelly on Apr 7, 2016 18:02:27 GMT
Your poor mom. I can't imagine trying to open up a conversation about what happens to my stuff after I die and getting a snotty reply like your sister gave her.
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Post by mommaho on Apr 7, 2016 18:22:41 GMT
This is a tough subject. My mom is 86 and still pretty healthy. I am the executor for my Mom's estate because I live close by, older sister lives 500 miles away. Sister has been claiming stuff since my father died 23 years ago because she had a son and felt all of Dad's things should go to him. She also has a daughter and I have three daughters. I'm fine with whatever my Mom decides to do but sister is very pushy. Mom wanted to leave the proceeds of the sale of her house to all five grandchildren. Sis didn't think that was 'fair' because my family will benefit more by 1/5th and told Mom that the house needs to go to the both of us and we can just split the proceeds with the grandkids. Mom did what she asked because she didn't want to argue with her but her attorney told her to do what she wants, they are her possessions.
Mom has a list of things that she wants each of us to have and I will abide by her list. I'm afraid it will be messy when the time comes.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Apr 7, 2016 18:26:43 GMT
My mom (who is thankfully still alive) has told my sister and I which particular items she wants each of us to have. For her remaining jewelry and items, we are to take turns (my dd is in this as well) choosing items. So, as the eldest, I make the first choice of what I want, then my sister chooses, then my dd, then me, then my sister etc,etc. We can only choose 1 item at a time so this way no one ends up with all the good stuff and someone else ends up with all the crap
In this end, I think this is a very equitable way to do it.
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