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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 22, 2016 15:15:27 GMT
I have been working on my masters degree. I will officially be done at the end of summer. Just one more class and an internship this summer. The graduation ceremony, however, is only held once per year and it happens to be next Sunday, May 1st. May 1st is also the birthday of my DS's girlfriend. I am walking at graduation. I feel like this is a big deal. My son asked me the other day if he could not go to my graduation and instead, celebrate his girlfriend's birthday with her. My feelings are really hurt. I feel like this is a big deal to me and I want him to come. On the flip side, I understand that he's going through a really rough time right now and she has been one of the few things that is bringing him joy. He doesn't see her very often outside of school. This kid does not ask me for much and I know that most likely driving an hour and then sitting through a 3 hour ceremony probably isn't the most favorite way to spend an afternoon. Lately, things have been really rough for this kid and I am wondering if it's even worth the battle to try to force him to come when he clearly doesn't want to. I'm torn.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 22, 2016 15:17:46 GMT
No, but it's ok to acknowledge it makes you feel bad. I had the same thing happen with DD. It really, really hurt my feelings, too.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 22, 2016 15:21:11 GMT
First - Congratulations on your accomplishment and upcoming graduation - it IS a big deal!
Second - based on the info given, I would tell DS that I would be very disappointed if he didn't come to the graduation because this is such an important day in your life. However, I would leave the choice up to him.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 22, 2016 15:23:14 GMT
I would not force him. it sounds just like my boring college graduation. I can see why you might be hurt, but high school boys can be a bit more self centered. Can you all go out to dinner afterwards and celebrate your accomplishment closer to home in a much less boring situation? I go to our local high schools' (2) gradations most years. The people who actually look like they want to be there are the parents and the graduates.
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Post by Woobster on Apr 22, 2016 15:23:50 GMT
Is there any way he can do both? Can he attend your ceremony and then go see his girlfriend? Or, can she come to the ceremony with him and then they can go do their own thing?
I totally get it. I'll be done with school in December and will walk in January. This is a once in a lifetime thing for you... I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting him to be there, even if it's not at the top of his "to do" list.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,403
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Apr 22, 2016 15:26:22 GMT
I am a mom to teenage boys and yes I would make/expect them to attend my graduation. That is a huge accomplishment and your son needs to take part in your special day. That is what being part of a family is all about.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 22, 2016 15:27:27 GMT
I would not force him. it sounds just like my boring college graduation. I can see why you might be hurt, but high school boys can be a bit more self centered. Can you all go out to dinner afterwards and celebrate your accomplishment closer to home in a much less boring situation? We had planned on doing dinner afterward. I could allow him to go for the afternoon but make it required that he go to dinner with us following the graduation, as long as we come back to town before dinner. This might be a good compromise.
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Post by mari on Apr 22, 2016 15:29:38 GMT
No, I generally wouldn't force someone to do something optional that they didn't want to do. Maybe you can plan a family celebration that can happen after you finish your classes?
Congrats on your degree, it's definitely something for you to be proud of.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 22:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 15:34:46 GMT
No I wouldn't force him to go. If you make a big deal out of this and force him to go what is his behaviour going to be like? It's most likely he will resent being there and make it known to everyone that he's having a shitty time, why would you want that?
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Apr 22, 2016 15:35:54 GMT
A college graduation bores me to tears. I never attended my own, and my kids did not walk either.
I think that you'll feel happier about it if you think about little ways that he may have supported you while you were in school. Kids really do not "get" the amount of work that it takes to get an advanced degree. It's nowhere near the same as high school, which is what he knows.
You do understand that he doesn't understand, and that's the best you can hope for. I wouldn't push him into a day long event at this time. He's also getting more independent, and the must participate celebrations are only going to lessen with time.
Congrats on your degree! It's hard to do work, school, and family. Make a plan for you and ds to celebrate by doing something that you haven't had time for.
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Post by justkat on Apr 22, 2016 15:37:34 GMT
I'll be odd-man-out and say no I wouldn't demand he attend. I'm not quite sure how to say this so I hope it doesn't come across rude and/or offensive. Graduating college is a major accomplishment...for the graduate. I'm sure your son is proud of you. However, as a teen boy, I highly doubt he cares about driving for hours to sit for hours to watch you literally walk across a stage. I was bored to tears at my own graduation ceremonies. I'd suggest either allow him to skip graduation and instead maybe go out for dinner afterwards/at a later date. Or skip the family thing and celebrate just you and your husband. Turn it into a night out to celebrate just the two of you...graduation, a romantic celebratory dinner, night at a nice hotel. Hope that wasn't rude. Congratulations on graduating! ETA: A few others responded "no" as I was typing so guess I'm not odd-man-out. lol
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Post by Merge on Apr 22, 2016 15:39:55 GMT
You can make him attend, but you can't make him stay awake. I have a hilarious picture of my brother and husband (then fiancé) dozing during my master's graduation. They're boring!
I say let the kid off the hook. He's going to sit there for three hours to see you on stage for ten seconds. Not worth it.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
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Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Apr 22, 2016 15:45:50 GMT
Congrats!
I didn't attend my Master's graduation. Yes, it was a huge accomplishment to me. Ask my dh he will tell you. I didn't want to sit through it.
If he goes he will be texting throughout the ceremony. Kids don't get it...they just don't.
You could invite the gf to go with you as a family if you don't need to have tickets for each person.
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Post by auntkelly on Apr 22, 2016 15:47:05 GMT
I would plan a celebratory dinner on a day other than graduation and invite the girlfriend. The girlfriend might be more impressed with your accomplishment than your son. Sometimes it helps when our kids see us through the eyes of others. Even if the girlfriend is not particularly impressed w/ your degree, you'll still get to spend some time w/ your son, who will some day think it's pretty cool that you earned your master's degree.
Congrats to you!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 22, 2016 15:48:13 GMT
justkat, I didn't find anything in your response to be rude.
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Post by whopea on Apr 22, 2016 15:48:51 GMT
Congratulations on earning your masters degree! That's a wonderful accomplishment!
Graduation ceremonies are boring and I'm not sure that I would force him to attend. How long have he and his girlfriend been together? If it's a longer-term relationship (like maybe a year) I would think that her birthday would be important, but if it's only been a short time (less than 6 mos), I would have a discussion with him about the fleetingness of time and how girlfriends and friends come and go in our lives but family is forever. That even when times get tough, family sticks together and supports one another.
If he still doesn't want to go to the actual ceremony, I think I would insist that he attend some kind of celebratory dinner.
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Post by justkat on Apr 22, 2016 15:50:38 GMT
justkat , I didn't find anything in your response to be rude. I'm glad. I just couldn't get my wording the way I wanted it and was afraid it was coming across as though I was diminishing your achievement. Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your day.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 22, 2016 16:04:07 GMT
I hate graduation ceremonies. The irony of that statement in the context of my chosen profession is not lost on me.
I would ask him to come to a family celebration of my accomplishment. Honestly, I think pretty much all of the damage that attends to how he has hurt your feelings by not wanting to come to the ceremony has already been done, and I wouldn't make him attend.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 22:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 16:05:55 GMT
I wouldn't make him go to the graduation, especially if it's anything like some of the ones I've been to with over 700 graduates, but it would be nice to have him there at your celebration dinner.
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Post by Lindarina on Apr 22, 2016 16:16:34 GMT
I wouldn't go to my own graduation ceremony, and I wouldn't force a teenage boy to sit through one of those things. But I would plan a small family celebration and expect him there, like to a dinner or something like that. Congrats on your achievement
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Dalai Mama
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La Pea Boheme
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Apr 22, 2016 16:25:00 GMT
Would he expect you to go to his ceremony?
My kid would be going. He could see his girlfriend either before or after
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
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Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Apr 22, 2016 16:27:35 GMT
Hmmm...I think this one would fall under "family event" for us. Girlfriends will change but you're only graduating this one time. I would it put it to him like that and see what he says. Plus, as Dalai Mama pointed out, he can see her before or after...or before AND after. Your event will not be a sun-up to sundown deal. ETA: Had another thought...any girl who is truly worth your DS's time should support him going to your graduation. Or is she so wrapped up in herself that she monopolizes your DS even at the cost of his family? She should, even at her age, understand the importance of such an event and support your DS over her birthday...which happens every year.
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Post by AN on Apr 22, 2016 16:28:01 GMT
Not a parent. While I understand not forcing him to attend, I really don't like the reason behind it - because being with his girlfriend is "more important." It sounds like he would attend if it wasn't for the girlfriend, and that doesn't sit right with me. How old is he?
That being said, I guess the popular opinion here is not forcing him to attend. I think it's good to tell him it hurts your feelings, and I think you should also say something along the lines of "I won't require you to attend my graduation, but I do expect you to celebrate with me, and I think celebrating my achievement and your girlfriend's birthday can both happen in the same day or weekend. What would you suggest we do instead to celebrate my graduation?"
He should have to come up with an alternative you feel really good about - maybe it's some photos of you and him together, maybe it is him taking you out to dinner and a movie, I don't know. But he's old enough to make suggestions himself, I wouldn't say "You don't have to go but you have to come to dinner with us." Don't solve it for him -- if you're going to let him out of the family obligation, help him think through ways to substitute something else.
I also think it would be totally fine to force him to go, and I'm surprised so many people are saying they wouldn't force it. That was my first reaction, to say "Hell yes, he'd be going."
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Post by momstime on Apr 22, 2016 16:30:01 GMT
I didn't even want to go to my own college graduation...or my kids...or anyone's...EVER! But I did, and will continue to go. lol They all bore me to tears. They are much too long, and my kids are always one of the last called to the stage. My son was 3rd from last out of 560.
I don't even expect my other children to go to their siblings' graduations. I would never expect them to sit through mine. However, knowing my kids, they would want to go. They are weird like that. lol
Meet your son later, and enjoy your day. Congratulations! A masters is a big accomplishment.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 22, 2016 16:34:48 GMT
I didn't go to my Masters graduation because I forgot the deadline to get my cap and gown ordered. I had finished in the summer and graduation was in December, just forgot.
That said, I'll be the odd man out and say that yes, I would force him to go. All sorts of things happen and we do birthday parties on other days. You can't do graduation another day and it is a big accomplishment.
Invite the girlfriend to come to and make sure you choose a restaurant that she likes. If she comes, make sure and make a big deal out of her day and get her a little gift.
The girlfriend statistically won't be around forever.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 22, 2016 16:37:14 GMT
Your family is different from mine, of course, but if one of us walks at graduation we ALL have to be there. There is no discussion or negotiation or *anything*. You have to be there. That is my family, though. We know the law and you are there.
Elaborating a bit further: I went to a community college to do a certificate one year and my family was INSISTENT that I walk for that graduation. I was laughing at them because it was community college. I already had my degree and they would have no part of me not walking. I don't know why they are like that either. Every degree is celebrated to the Nth degree. So yes, your son would be going and there wouldn't be any discussion around it. It's just the way it is.
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Post by kelbel827 on Apr 22, 2016 16:44:39 GMT
Congrats. I am a firm supporter in the belief that what might be important to me doesn't have to be important to my child. I'm OK with that. Just because this is important to you doesn't mean it is important to him. I would let him go. FTR, I didn't walk at either of my graduations and my son won't be walking in May. Not a big deal to us.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 22:23:23 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2016 16:55:52 GMT
Your son probably doesn't realize what a major accomplishment this is for you. I mean, you have a job, a family and you've managed to complete a degree at the same time. You are absolutely entitled to feel hurt that your son would rather be somewhere else than your graduation ceremony.
I would let him know that it will hurt your feelings if he's not there. You've stood by him, you've been there for him as he's endured some pretty rough stuff. It's not too much to ask him to spend one afternoon doing something that's important to you. That's what you do for people you love, even when you don't find the activity particularly fun or exciting.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Apr 22, 2016 17:04:40 GMT
Sometimes it's not about going to things because we want to or because it's going to be fun. It is sometimes about being there to support and celebrate someone that is important to us. You have completed a huge achievement. I think your son should know that it is important for him to be there to acknowledge that. Yes, he can acknowledge it by going to dinner at a later time. Yes, it's going to be boring and not entertaining. But that's not the point. The point is this moment is about you and as your son, he should be respectful to that.
I understand you say he has been going through a tough time and his girlfriend brings him joy. But your feelings matter too.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 22, 2016 17:05:35 GMT
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