peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,885
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 23, 2016 0:22:25 GMT
Congratulations. He should go. Figure out a plan so that he can do both. I remember being a bit of a dickhead when my mom graduated college. The woman went to night school and cobbled various credits together for 14 years and I was 16 and very "ho hum" about it. I'm ashamed to admit that now. You just don't know until you're a grownup how important these kinds of things really are. And how much effort and work went into it. You deserve to be celebrated. I like the ideas you've been given - make it easy for him to see his girlfriend before and/or after. But you deserve to have your whole family there and rooting for you. Just like you'd be for him.
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Post by maryland on Apr 23, 2016 1:00:55 GMT
I am a mom to teenage boys and yes I would make/expect them to attend my graduation. That is a huge accomplishment and your son needs to take part in your special day. That is what being part of a family is all about. I agree! I am a mom to 3 teen girls, and yes, teen girls and boys can be self-centered, but in your situation, I would expect your son to go. Then give him some money to take his girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate after the graduation. But that's just the way I would handle it! Congratulations!
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Post by mlynn on Apr 23, 2016 1:26:19 GMT
I would not make him go to a 3 hour graduation. My goodness, that is a long time! None of mine were that long. I am not even sure that all 3 total that long.
I would let him be with his girlfriend and then have the two of them join you for the celebration/dinner part.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,535
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Apr 23, 2016 1:30:24 GMT
Haven't read anything as I just have a moment - but I would say that with everything he's been dealing with that I wouldn't force him to go. An ordinary kid in ordinary circumstances, yes, I probably would. But this is a particular set of circumstances where I wouldn't push the point too much. I'd let him know how I felt, and tell him it would really mean very, very much to you, but then leave it at that. And if it were me, yes, I'd be hurt and sad about it - but I'd try really hard not to be pouty about it.
Regardless of his decision, many, many congratulations to you on this amazing accomplishment!
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Post by AussieMeg on Apr 23, 2016 1:55:40 GMT
Things haven't been easy for him the few months, he doesn't need the guilt. Enjoy your special day. I agree with the part about him not needing the guilt. I'm quite shocked that a few people here have said that you should let your son know how much your feelings have been hurt. What would that achieve? Is it to make him feel bad, or guilt him into going? Why would anyone want to put that kind of guilt on a kid, especially your son who has been struggling lately? I don't get it. Apart from all of that, congratulations on your achievement, I admire you so much!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 22:32:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 2:14:26 GMT
I don't know how old your son is, but while you may be able to "force" his body to be there, you simply cannot force him to be there in a supportive and celebratory spirit for you. If walking at graduation is important to YOU, then as your child, he should make it important to HIM to be there to do something for you. In a family there's giving and taking. Sometimes we do something for someone in our family not because we want to, think it's fun, or that it's convenient for us...but we do it because it's important to someone else. That's the selfless part of loving others. It's not always about you and what you want. If he's old enough to have a girlfriend, he's old enough to be able to understand that aspect of being in a family and doing for others even if there's nothing in it for you. In addition, I'd explain how disappointed you'll be if he's not there. I'd also add that like any other holiday, the date on the calendar isn't really concrete. He can celebrate his gf's birthday the day before or the day after. Your graduation is a one-time thing. I'd also go on to tell him that sometimes you may regret a decision you've made, but often, you're not able to go back and fix anything. In 5 yrs, is he going to regret skipping something that was important to his mother so that he could be with his then girlfriend on her actual birthday? Sometimes (and even lately) I've made decisions to do things that were hard at the time, but the way I looked at is was that I never wanted to have regrets for NOT doing it. I may not want to attend an event or do something for someone else, but in 5 yrs, will I regret that I did it? Probably not. If I DON'T do it, in 5 yrs will I regret that I didn't do something that I could've done? Very possible. ANd in 5 yrs, it's too late to be able to "fix" it and make a different decision. Really long and run-on...so sorry. I have a lot of thoughts on this subject that I shared.
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MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on Apr 23, 2016 3:02:02 GMT
Haven't read all the replies, so if the convo has turned to something else, you may ignore.
I was there to see him graduate high school. He can sit through my college graduation. It is what families do.
My sister graduated (college) last year. He and I attended her awards nights (yes, plural). My family (dh, the boy, & I) was there for her graduation. I was not bored. I was thrilled to death to see her earn her awards and recognitions, etc... She worked so hard to earn them.
In addition, it was something forbidden to us for the longest time. We were taught that you listened to your parents. Or in this case mother. She forbid us from getting a college education. We obeyed.
I know what it took for my sister to get to the point she could enroll in college. Mom made her life hell over it.
My sister inspired me to enroll and pursue a career. It's just one more reason that I avoid contact with my mother.
So, when I graduate, it is going to be a huge deal. My son will be there.
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Post by smokeynspike on Apr 23, 2016 5:47:13 GMT
I didn't even go to my own college graduation, so no way would I force someone else to go to one.
Melissa
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 23, 2016 12:32:30 GMT
I just read your update and I hope he ends up going. Congratulations on your achievement!
I would probably do the same as you did, tell him that the decision is his and I wouldn't say one more thing whatever he chose but him not being there would absolutely hurt my feelings. Why would it create guilt? It would be the truth! It would be one thing if she was purposely trying to guilt him into going but merely expressing honest emotions? What is wrong with that? Frankly it is a start to an relationship with your adult child, one in which you are an actual person with feelings, not some all giving and self sacrificing mom.
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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 23, 2016 13:34:03 GMT
I'm just 2 semesters from earning my Master's in nursing. Talk about a tough program!!! I did not "walk" for my undergrad but I'm pretty sure I'll walk for this one. There is just something a little more important about this one for me. I would certainly expect my daughter (she'll be 17) to be at my ceremony and would pretty upset if she didn't go. My child is very "resistant" to being told what to do. I probably wouldn't force her to go but I would have a stern conversation with her about my feelings if she said she wasn't going.
I don't think I ask a lot of my family but I think this is a pretty big accomplishment and should be shared with family.
As a side note, if my daughter told me she wasn't going, I'd probably be mad at my ex because he is the enabler and would validate her by saying she didn't have to go. For my undergrad pinning ceremony, they were late - very late. I was giving the main ceremony speech too so that infuriated me. He said, "We had some stuff to do." I was so mad.
m
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scrappinmama
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,016
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 23, 2016 13:54:33 GMT
Congratulations! Yes I would make him go. You are supposed to make sacrifices for family. There are times when we would rather do something else, but if a once in a lifetime event is going on, then family should be expected to be there! I'm sorry, but a birthday does not trump a family members graduation. I would tell him that this is an important day for you and that you want your loved ones with you for that day.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Apr 23, 2016 14:17:38 GMT
No, I wouldn't make him. I'm sure he's proud of you. But if he's going to spend the rest of his life with this girl. You don't want to be that type of mother in law.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,247
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Apr 23, 2016 14:44:45 GMT
I'm of two minds on this issue.
On the one hand, I do believe that sometimes being part of a family means you do for others simply because you're family. If it's important to someone in the family, then family supports that.
On the other hand, I'm not a big "ceremony" person, and neither was my family when I was growing up. I did not walk for my master's graduation, and have no regrets about it. It just wasn't important to me to do that.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 23, 2016 14:53:04 GMT
No. An invitation is not a summons. No one is obligated to attend anyone's event. I'm getting really tired of reading about all the guilt trips that families like to pull on children or other family members because of faaaaaaaaamily. It's really sickening. No wonder there are so many family fractures and problems... guilt seems to be the number one emotion that families like to use to keep people in line. And if they dare to step out of line it's the end of the world. I just don't get it. And I'm becoming more and more aware of it happening all too often.
Yes, it's a big achievement to get your masters. I'm glad you achieved that. However, how does someone watching you walk across a stage change that? It doesn't. I'm sorry you're disappointed that your son doesn't want to do what you want him to do. That doesn't make him a bad son or a bad person. It makes him a human being with his own will and own sense of self. You should be proud of that.
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Post by lucyg on Apr 24, 2016 0:53:10 GMT
I'm just checking in again to relay my mom's opinion. Remember I posted yesterday that mom earned her master's degree when I was in school. So I saw her today and asked if she had attended her graduation ceremony, because we kids sure didn't. She said, "Oh good lord, no! I don't think any of us did. It wasn't important." BUT when I told her about the discussion here, she said if it's important to the mom, then the kid should be there. So there you have it. My heathen mother (who turned 87 yesterday ... I didn't see her till today because she was just too darned busy to make time for her kids) thinks the boy should show up for your graduation.
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Post by scrapsotime on Apr 24, 2016 1:13:20 GMT
No. An invitation is not a summons. No one is obligated to attend anyone's event. So, I could have stayed home when my children graduated or my husband. I'm sure there wouldn't have been any fallout if I stayed home.
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Post by anniefb on Apr 24, 2016 1:58:38 GMT
First - Congratulations on your accomplishment and upcoming graduation - it IS a big deal!
Second - based on the info given, I would tell DS that I would be very disappointed if he didn't come to the graduation because this is such an important day in your life. However, I would leave the choice up to him. Yeah, this is what I'd do too.
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