Adoption advice - where to start?

First start with your plans.

You want a domestic adoption of a girl. Just as when you get pregnant spontaneously, picking the gender is not something, well, that is offered generally. And, frankly, it's often looked well upon.

Everyone I know who has adopted has gone through an adoption agency. You can work with an agency in your state or out of state. I know people who have done both, especially the latter in order to help take advantage of various state laws that allow for earlier termination of biological parental rights. An agency will help you through the process of the necessary steps such as home inspections and attorneys.

Find an adoption agency. There are several things to consider.

Does the agency serve only your state? Or is it networked through many states. This affects whether you will get matched with someone locally, or if you may have to travel across state lines, which requires more paperwork and more logistics, but places more "distance" between you and the birth mom, if that is important to you.

Do you want an open or closed adoption? Find out what those things mean because they're not what the general public thinks they mean. Legally, if you know identifying information about each other, it's an open adoption, even if you never speak to each other after the birth. Closed means it's anonymous, and you couldn't look each other up, even if you wanted to. Within those two extremes, there is a spectrum of contact. Figure out what you are comfortable with. Read some books and try to talk to other adoptive parents. There are pros and cons to both. Then find an agency that facilitates those types of adoptions. Most adoption specialists and psychologists advocate for open adoption with some contact. Some agencies require it unless the birth mom refuses, others just recommend it. If you're religious, you may see if there is a faith-based agency in your area. Make sure whatever agency you choose does not charge the birth mom anything, and is licensed by your state. I also recommend you choose an agency that provides the birth mom with her OWN caseworker, not a shared one.

Once you choose an agency, you'll apply, which generally includes a bunch of paperwork about you and why you want to adopt. If you're accepted to their program, you'll go through the homestudy process. The agency will have its requirements, and your state will have requirements too, that the agency will facilitate. You'll need to be fingerprinted, get a physical, undergo a credit check, complete a personality profile, provide references, answer questions, check your criminal history, check your CPS history, etc. They'll come visit your home to make sure it's safe and sanitary and meets legal requirements, such as having a pool fenced. Your state may also require adoption education classes. Your caseworker will submit a report, and send it to the court, where you will be certified (if required in your state).

Then you complete your child desired form. On it you'll go through like age, gender, race, mother's drug history, mother's mental health history, mother's physical health history, circumstances of conception, desired level of contact, etc and answer what you'll be open to and what you're not open to.

The agency will show prospective birth moms the profiles that match what she's looking for and if she chooses you, she'll have a match meeting and then it goes from there between you and her and the agency if she chooses you. Adoptions are finalized after birth, in a courtroom, and how long thereafter varies by state.

Your adoption agency will handle the legal documents, filings, attorney for the finalization, etc.

Hope that helps!

Think about it. You show up at agency saying "we want to adopt a newborn baby girl," instead of saying "we want to adopt a newborn." Is an agency going to want to try to set you up with a mother who does not know the gender? Gender testing is not always accurate. Does this mean you will not go through with the adoption if it turns out to be a boy? Does this mean they cannot match you with a mother until the baby is born? There's time, money and emotions involved. No one wants to waste any of those things.

So, the preference is to work with people seeking to adopt a baby. Period. Not a specific gender, hair color, eye color, etc.

Jen answered in a much better manner than I did.

And my experience is limited to the handful of caseworkers I know. Small sample. 

We're just waiting. Our agency said their wait time is an average of a year. We're at 10 months. Thanks for asking!

If you're willing to share your state, you may be able to get some suggestions for agencies to consider here.

We've adopted two as infants domestically. I would recommend that you explore and interview a few different agencies and a few different attorneys. This will give you a good sense of who is being straightforward and who is trying to sell you something. It's big business, so approach it with caution and as much logic as you can muster in such an emotional situation. Something will feel right about one of them.

I also want to caution you about being gender-specific in your search. While I understand MissJen's "square peg, round hole" analogy, remember that you are cutting your chances of welcoming a child in half. If you were trying to conceive the old-fashioned way, you wouldn't get that choice. In addition, a birth mom might feel like you're already holding the child up to a standard that you envision instead of accepting them freely. Birth parents want and deserve to feel confident that their child will be accepted no matter what.

Please know that I'm not trying to bash you, I truly know how hard this all is. Just throwing out some things to ponder. Please keep us updated as things move forward!