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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 23, 2016 15:01:41 GMT
Need some perspective and I guess a little validation maybe. I know y'all will shoot it to me straight.
A tiny bit of back story...I'm in grad school for a Master's in nursing and I'm still working almost full-time hours. I also have an active soccer player in the "heat" of HS season. I'm busy. I am also help care for my deaf (wears cochlear implants) father sometimes. He is alone but has a few friends in town. I also have two siblings but they live out of state. I don't have a great relationship with either one because we didn't grow up together and we are just different. I don't dislike them in any way but we are not what you would call close. My dad is a little bit private and doesn't want to ever be a bother to anyone.
He tells me on Thursday that he is having a routine heart cath on Friday morning. I work in the ER and know the cardiologist well enough that we speak in the halls etc. Super guy! I also have a great friend that works in the cath lab. I had to work Friday 9-9pm and was just able to get dad checked in and then I had to go work. I wasn't able to even talk to my dad until after 9pm last night. All he could talk about was how wonderful my friend was. Not a word about the actual procedure. I posted a "thank you" to my cath lab friend that helped care for my dad on FB. Anyway, my brother and sister both text me at midnight "what's up with dad?" I didn't get it until this morning and sent them the following:
Dad is perfectly fine. Had a routine cath. Please don't make a big issue about it w him. He would probably be upset about "telling everyone."
My brother texts back: I guess maybe you forgot I am his "son" and would appreciate knowing with my "father" has a fvkcing routing procedure that involves his heart. I guess putting it on FB for your 1600 fvcking friends would sort of maybe like "telling everyone."
Me: I didn't know until Thursday. I had to work and didn't even get to go up nor speak to the doc. Him: No but you had time to put it on FB. Whatever
I'm ticked at this point. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have posted on FB. I didn't say anything about the procedure itself. Just thanked my friend for taking care of my dad. I am upset because I didn't know dad didn't tell them. I didn't know until the day before myself. I've had final exams this week and wrapping up a lot of school paperwork, etc. How is it my responsibility to tell them? I figured my dad would have told them.
I'm ill about it because I didn't know they didn't know and now my brother is ticked at me and being pretty hateful about it. I probably should have just thanked my friend on her own wall but at that point I guess I just thought they knew.
Thinking about this all morning has made me sick. My dad did tell me months ago that he and my brother haven't spoken a lot because my dad feels like my brother always tries to tell him what to do. My sis has said the same thing to me. We had a lot going on w my dad last summer / early fall and he had to move. I would keep my siblings up to date about stuff but then my brother would text or call him and tell him, "What you need to do is...." or "You need to do XYZ...." My dad asked me to stop telling him stuff and said that if he wanted S to know he would tell him. So.....
I'm not going to talk to my dad about it unless he brings it up. But what would you do, if anything about the situation? I feel like I've said what needs to be said and I'm done. I'm still upset about how my brother thinks he can speak to me though. He can be such an azz sometimes.
m
**Sunday update*** sorry it got long. First of all, thanks for all of the input. I do appreciate the opinions. I've thought a lot this weekend and, quite frankly, lost a lot of sleep over it, but I have learned a lot. My bro sent a text this AM saying "let's move forward....we depend on you to keep us in the know about dad." Also mentioned keeping stuff off of FB which I had already apologized to them both twice about and said it would never happen again. Now I'm in the middle. I am the only one here in town with our dad. I speak / text him about every other day. Have him here for dinner at least once a week. Last summer and early fall my boyfriend and I helped my dad move out of his home and helped find him a new home after my step-sister whom I've never met decided that my dad shouldn't live in that home any longer. He had been married to my step-mother for over 20 years and she died in December 2013. Basically, my dad was given less than 8 weeks to vacate and sell the home. The house he was buying fell through and we had to come up with plan B very quickly. In a nutshell, between my BF and my dad, we made it happen but it was certainly no easy task at all. This is all going on when I have over 175 clinical hours to complete on top of working full time AND going to classes. My dad had a house and attic FULL of antiques - It was like my step-mom was a very neat and particular hoarder of fine antiques! Not once did my brother offer to come help. Instead, all he did was try to tell me and dad what to do from afar. My sister has MS and offered to come multiple times but we told her to stay at home and take care of her family. My brother would use the info I gave him about the houses, the moves, the legal issues to tell dad what to do. DB even told dad, "You just need to sell everything out of the house and move up here," which is in Washington state. We are in Alabama. My dad is 77 but is the youngest 77 year old you have ever met. Still plays in a mens over-65 softball league and plays shortstop and teaches skeet shooting. He has a great men's group at church he hangs with and a handful of other friends that keep him busy. His memory isn't all that great but he is still pretty sharp when it comes to business matters. My dad told me not to tell him anything else because he was sick of being treated like a 12 year old. When my dad asked me not to tell them about all the house and moving issues, I stopped. I told dad that he needed to tell them everything he wanted them to know from now on because I didn't want to be in the middle and certainly didn't want to be accused of being "the favorite" child, which I have been called by my DB in the past. I cannot help it that I've grown up here and stayed here. My dad agreed and we've not had another issue until now. Like I said, my DB sent a "let's move on" text message but didn't apologize for jumping my case like he did. I'll never get that apology but I have learned several valuable lessons here.
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hannahruth
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Posts: 2,684
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Apr 23, 2016 15:10:14 GMT
I would tell my brother that yes he maybe the 'son' so why doesn't he talk with the 'father' and find out things for himself. You have obviously been told of the procedure prior to it happening because your dad wanted you to know. It is not your responsibility to keep siblings informed - they should be in touch with the parent and if the parent doesn't tell them well that it how it is and certainly not your problem.
the brother obviuosly had time to check FB maybe he should spend the time talking to dad.
IMHO you gave done nothing wrong.
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Post by *sprout* on Apr 23, 2016 15:10:38 GMT
As someone who routinely finds out about medical procedures, diagnoses, etc after the fact, I totally get your brother's anger and frustration.
You very easily could have texted him Thursday after you found out. Or Friday morning. Not telling your siblings but posting on fb was not the most thoughtful decision.
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Post by chaosisapony on Apr 23, 2016 15:16:05 GMT
Sounds like if your dad had wanted him to know your dad would have told him. This is an issue between the two of them and doesn't have anything to do with you. I would text him back and tell him "maybe it's time the 'son' talk to the 'father' and not rely on third party communication".
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 23, 2016 15:16:30 GMT
As someone who routinely finds out about medical procedures, diagnoses, etc after the fact, I totally get your brother's anger and frustration. You very easily could have texted him Thursday after you found out. Or Friday morning. Not telling your siblings but posting on fb was not the most thoughtful decision. o disagree, she wasn't posting that the dad was having a procedure, but rather a shout out to someone about the care they took for the father. OP, I think you are fine and your brother is being a massive ass. There is no reason to be that vile about it. A simple, he next time dad has a medical thing, Id like a heads up" would be a much better approach. If you hadn't posted, would you hAve called them? I think that might be key.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 20:16:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 15:16:53 GMT
Do I understand it that you thanked your friend on facebook which is why your brother saw it? If that's the case, why didn't you thank her privately? Posting private info (your fathers health) publicly so that you can thank someone is a little off to me. Your brothers anger at you was not warranted but I think you walked right into it with how you chose to apparently thank someone.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 23, 2016 15:16:54 GMT
IMO your brother was out of line. Way out. By Thursday night if your father wanted them to know he would have told them. Apparently he didn't want them to know.
I 'might' try to send or call my sister a complete explanation about how you didn't know until Thursday and you thought your father had told them. If she wants to respond as poorly as your brother well that's on her.
I would be very angry with my brother and would have to wait a bit to contact him until I cooked diwn enough to be mature and not say things I'd regret. But your brothers response to you is probably a huge sign as to why his relationship with your father is suffering enough that your father didn't contact him about it. You didn't make the appt./schedule it or anything. So where in that scenario is it your job to inform your siblings?
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Dani-Mani
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Posts: 3,709
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Apr 23, 2016 15:17:27 GMT
I think if you intended to post it on FB, you should've told your siblings. Your dad didn't want your siblings to know for whatever reason--posting it on FB instead of hearing it from you or your dad pissed them off and rightly so. How were they supposed to know it was a routine procedure?
I get your brothers frustration.
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Post by esperanza on Apr 23, 2016 15:18:31 GMT
A quick text updating family would have been thoughtful. I understand you're busy. But there's nothing worse than finding out important family stuff via social media. If I was your sibling, I'd be pretty upset too. While I understand your dad might be frustrated with your brother, you need to remain neutral. What if something happened during the cath? No matter what issues my parents might have with my siblings, I respect them enough to update them on important medical procedures .
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Dani-Mani
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Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Apr 23, 2016 15:19:23 GMT
As someone who routinely finds out about medical procedures, diagnoses, etc after the fact, I totally get your brother's anger and frustration. You very easily could have texted him Thursday after you found out. Or Friday morning. Not telling your siblings but posting on fb was not the most thoughtful decision. o disagree, she wasn't posting that the dad was having a procedure, but rather a shout out to someone about the care they took for the father. OP, I think you are fine and your brother is being a massive ass. There is no reason to be that vile about it. A simple, he next time dad has a medical thing, Id like a heads up" would be a much better approach. If you hadn't posted, would you hAve called them? I think that might be key. But see, I disagree. If my sister tagged a nurse friend for "taking care of mom" I'd be blowing up her phone trying to figure out what was wrong with mom knowing a nurse was "taking care" of her. And with that vague information, it could've been anything from a hangnail to a stroke. I would be pissed at my sister, even if it were nothing big.
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Post by MichyM on Apr 23, 2016 15:21:27 GMT
I'm going to have to agree with sprout.
I found out about my sister's serious fall and airlift to a hospital from a post by my niece of Facebook. Two days after the fact. As did my mom. My sister died 6 weeks later. And we were close (both are deceased now). I never ever want to have that awful feeling again.
ETA: it may be a routine Cath to you, but to someone not in the know the news can be very disturbing.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 23, 2016 15:22:44 GMT
I'll add that IF you were responsible for scheduling your father's medical stuff then yea your brother might have a point. But since your father is capable of that himself why should you be responsible to just assume that your siblings didn't know.
Frankly up until you are reponsible for your father's care it's NOT your place to tell people. Your dad is an adult if he want people to know he'll tell them. Period. It's called privacy!
i will admit though that if you know your dad is a private person you should have thanked your friend privately rather than publicly.
At this point lesson learned but it still isn't a reason for the way your brother spoke to you.
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Post by tara on Apr 23, 2016 15:22:45 GMT
Same thing happened in my moms family. Her mom had to go to the hospital. My grandmother lived with my aunt. We live 7 hours away. When my aunt called mom to tell her grandma had to go to hospital, my mom assumed aunt called the other siblings. Well my uncle didn't find out till later. He called mom and cussed her out for not calling. There's 3 other siblings plus we don't even live in the state, but for some reason it's moms fault. I was mad at him for cussing her out and for making a stressful situation worse I wanted to call to tell him what I thought of him. She told me to just let in go. It wouldn't do any good. She just dropped it and it was forgotten. After tempers calmed down I realized she was right.
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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 23, 2016 15:23:52 GMT
I agree that I wouldn't want to find stuff on on social media. I just thought they knew! He's told them every other thing he's done. I have just been overly busy with work, school and my own family. I didn't know until Thursday myself. I am not able to use a phone during the day at work so have zero contact throughout my day. I probably should have just posted on my friend's page but I guess I just thought my siblings knew already.
My sister isn't saying much. She did just text saying, "I would like to know next time." Yeah, I would have liked to have known a few days beforehand myself.
m
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Kerri W
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Posts: 3,788
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 23, 2016 15:24:31 GMT
I absolutely get where you are coming from. I can relate in that I take care of my mom, have a crazy schedule right now, and have a sibling who seems to be very comfortable pointing out what I may not do 110% while completely ignoring what I do 99% and doing absolutely nothing herself but put my mom down because she isn't running marathons. (Very little exaggeration there and my sister is 300+ pounds. Not exactly a fitness coach) I get the overwhelmed feeling and not appreciating the criticism.
That said...it probably wasn't the greatest idea to post anything medical in a public way on Facebook, especially knowing your family's dynamic.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 20:16:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 15:26:39 GMT
I think your brother may have misunderstood the tone of your response, easy to do from a text. You probably intended it to be more of a "he's okay, doing well, but don't bring it up to him because he hates worrying others" and he took it to be "not a big deal so don't bother him because he doesn't want anyone to know, but it's okay for me to post this on FB". From that perspective, it does make someone feel like they aren't worthy of being informed as to what happens to their own parent.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 23, 2016 15:27:18 GMT
I see two separate issues - your dad has an absolute right to decide what information he would like to share with people. As long as he's able - those decisions should be his. You had absolutely no right to post anything about your father on a public forum - particularly as he is private and not sharing with family members. Vague booking makes it no better. I don't condone his language/ but will absolute validate his anger that he learned about a medical procedure concerning his father though your post. If your father doesn't want to share - don't share on social media.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 23, 2016 15:28:11 GMT
o disagree, she wasn't posting that the dad was having a procedure, but rather a shout out to someone about the care they took for the father. OP, I think you are fine and your brother is being a massive ass. There is no reason to be that vile about it. A simple, he next time dad has a medical thing, Id like a heads up" would be a much better approach. If you hadn't posted, would you hAve called them? I think that might be key. But see, I disagree. If my sister tagged a nurse friend for "taking care of mom" I'd be blowing up her phone trying to figure out what was wrong with mom knowing a nurse was "taking care" of her. And with that vague information, it could've been anything from a hangnail to a stroke. I would be pissed at my sister, even if it were nothing big. yes, hut as soon as you got the message back that dad was fine, you wouldn't have cussed your sister out. I get the panic feeling, buy the OP has no way of knowing if her dad told the siblings or not. If he had, her post would have been no big deal and the siblings may have even liked to post in agreement of the gratitude. I just don't think we should have to clear what we post.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 20:16:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 15:29:02 GMT
I agree that I wouldn't want to find stuff on on social media. I just thought they knew! He's told them every other thing he's done. I have just been overly busy with work, school and my own family. I didn't know until Thursday myself. I am not able to use a phone during the day at work so have zero contact throughout my day. I probably should have just posted on my friend's page but I guess I just thought my siblings knew already. My sister isn't saying much. She did just text saying, "I would like to know next time." Yeah, I would have liked to have known a few days beforehand myself. m I don't think you understand how your post and whether they knew or not are not related. what about all the other bystanders reading your post who may know or not know your dad and your post might cause concern and again - not your health info to blab about publicly. is that stated anywhere in your masters in nursing?
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 23, 2016 15:30:39 GMT
I agree that I wouldn't want to find stuff on on social media. I just thought they knew! He's told them every other thing he's done. I have just been overly busy with work, school and my own family. I didn't know until Thursday myself. I am not able to use a phone during the day at work so have zero contact throughout my day. I probably should have just posted on my friend's page but I guess I just thought my siblings knew already. My sister isn't saying much. She did just text saying, "I would like to know next time." Yeah, I would have liked to have known a few days beforehand myself. m tell her to take it up with your dad. You are not the gatekeeper. If he was unable to notify them, then, yes you soul step in. Otherwise their beef is with him, not you, and he can tell them or not tell them anything he damn well chooses
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Post by esperanza on Apr 23, 2016 15:30:48 GMT
I agree that I wouldn't want to find stuff on on social media. I just thought they knew! He's told them every other thing he's done. I have just been overly busy with work, school and my own family. I didn't know until Thursday myself. I am not able to use a phone during the day at work so have zero contact throughout my day. I probably should have just posted on my friend's page but I guess I just thought my siblings knew already. My sister isn't saying much. She did just text saying, "I would like to know next time." Yeah, I would have liked to have known a few days beforehand myself. m Don't do that. You knew what was happening, the doctors, the nurses, etc. she didn't. She didn't know until after the fact. That hurts. You found out late, I get that...you were the sibling aware of what was going on. They were not aware at all. In aging parents, sometimes you have to just be the one who updates family. A text takes 15 seconds. Less time than updating a FB post.
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Deleted
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Sept 29, 2024 20:16:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2016 15:37:07 GMT
It was your father's place to tell his children about his personal life/health. If he chose not to share, that's his prerogative. And you had no way of knowing he hadn't told your siblings. It's not your job to be the family informant.
It probably would have been better to privately thank your friend, though. Consider it a lesson learned.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 23, 2016 15:39:33 GMT
I agree that I wouldn't want to find stuff on on social media. I just thought they knew! He's told them every other thing he's done. I have just been overly busy with work, school and my own family. I didn't know until Thursday myself. I am not able to use a phone during the day at work so have zero contact throughout my day. I probably should have just posted on my friend's page but I guess I just thought my siblings knew already. My sister isn't saying much. She did just text saying, "I would like to know next time." Yeah, I would have liked to have known a few days beforehand myself. m [ If you though they already knew, you could have alleviated your brothers anger by responding to his text: I'm so sorry! I had no idea dad didn't tell you. It must have been so stressful to read that on Facebook. It was just a routine cath, he's fine. He probably didn't even think it was important enough to mention to you. I'm so sorry my post worried you. This isn't about how busy you are - I'm probably overly sensitive as I've had two recent instances of people vaguely posting stuff on Facebook that stressed me out. Don't do it - it's rude as hell.
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Post by melodyesch on Apr 23, 2016 15:41:26 GMT
But see, I disagree. If my sister tagged a nurse friend for "taking care of mom" I'd be blowing up her phone trying to figure out what was wrong with mom knowing a nurse was "taking care" of her. And with that vague information, it could've been anything from a hangnail to a stroke. I would be pissed at my sister, even if it were nothing big. This. Posting and thanking someone for taking care of your Dad (which your brother and sister would see) without telling brother and sister anything was thoughtless. Yes, it should be up to Dad to discuss it but until you know he did, don't be posting anything about it on FB, no matter how vague. And honestly, if Dad is very private, your post was inconsiderate to him also. Now anyone who reads it could ask him what was wrong that he needed to be taken care of.
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Post by cmpeter on Apr 23, 2016 15:50:05 GMT
I agree that it's up to your dad to tell your siblings or not. Given what you know know, I wouldn't post about it in FB if the future, but you already know that. Your brother is being an ass, but you also understand where he's coming from. I would tell him and your sister you were sorry, you thought dad would have told them and then drop it. I wouldn't tell them in the future unless your dad can't. But, I wouldn't post about it on FB either.
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Post by stingfan on Apr 23, 2016 15:54:03 GMT
To Brother: I didn't realize dad hadn't told you himself. I'm sorry you found out from my facebook post.
Then I would probably hide my future FB posts from said brother. He had a right to be upset, but he didn't need to react so vehemently. He was probably more upset that your dad didn't tell him than that you posted it on FB. You just got the bulk of his wrath...
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Post by Really Red on Apr 23, 2016 15:54:07 GMT
Your brother is a dick.
And I think you realize you should not have posted that on FB. I would calmly apologize to him for posting something like that on FB and say you were thoughtless (or whatever you want to say). I would not respond to the rest.
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Post by molove on Apr 23, 2016 15:55:21 GMT
I will preface this with---we have found out some devastating things via Facebook. It's not optimal.
I'm with your brother on this one.
Yes, you would have preferred to know sooner but fact remains--you knew first. Let the family know. Rise above all the bad blood and history and hurt feelings and just pass news along, no emotion attached. Be the messenger. Period. It's up to them how they react and respond. You're the one with first hand knowledge and information. You would probably appreciate the same treatment.
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Dani-Mani
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Posts: 3,709
Jun 28, 2014 17:36:35 GMT
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Post by Dani-Mani on Apr 23, 2016 15:56:54 GMT
But see, I disagree. If my sister tagged a nurse friend for "taking care of mom" I'd be blowing up her phone trying to figure out what was wrong with mom knowing a nurse was "taking care" of her. And with that vague information, it could've been anything from a hangnail to a stroke. I would be pissed at my sister, even if it were nothing big. yes, hut as soon as you got the message back that dad was fine, you wouldn't have cussed your sister out. I get the panic feeling, buy the OP has no way of knowing if her dad told the siblings or not. If he had, her post would have been no big deal and the siblings may have even liked to post in agreement of the gratitude. I just don't think we should have to clear what we post. No I wouldn't--I'd be livid at my sister for putting me in the position in the first place. At the end of the day, she never should've put it on FB.
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julieb
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Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Apr 23, 2016 15:58:28 GMT
I could see your frustration because YOU take care of your dad and your siblings are not around to do it.
I think your brother was too rough, but I also would be really mad if I found out something about one of my parents from a FB post. I would send an apology that he found out via FB post and state that you thought DB knew that your Dad was having a procedure. Be the bigger person.
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