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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 24, 2016 11:57:14 GMT
I probably would consider unfriending db so my fb posts don't disturb him or initiate nasty texts. Lol this is the only response I've read so far and agree, with a chuckle. I'm sorry distant siblings, but if you aren't in the trenches, you need to accept things might be happening in real time and the locals are doing their best to keep up. If my parent has said they will handle communication, they expect me to honor that! I will not disrespect them just so you don't have hurt feelings or get news sooner. A simple comment like the OPs on FB could have applied to almost anything. mcscrapper you were not out of line. good luck with your work and family load! ETA We lived 1500 miles away through my MIL illness and death and are in same county as my parents. My DH and I are living both sides of this. All I can say, it's a time when true personalities and generosity of spirit becomes known.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 24, 2016 13:21:17 GMT
All I'm going to say about this is I think you should have sent your friend a private message about your dad through facebook, or better yet sent an email or told him in person. Ireally really do not like it when people post private medical/health related things into social media for all the world to see. And I have an even bigger issue with it when one posts medical things about someone else onto a providers Facebook page. I feel like it's a big violation of privacy and trust.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 24, 2016 13:31:48 GMT
I'm sorry you're having to hear some ridiculous stuff on here OP (particularly all of the HIPAA stuff). I agree that the public FB thank you was probably not the way to go and that you should have sent that message privately (as you have acknowledged yourself), but for everything else you were above board on and did nothing wrong. If your dad was incapacitated and incapable of communicating with your siblings, then yes, it would be nice for you to keep them informed with what's going on. Because your dad and siblings are fully capable of communicating with one another and simply choose not to much of the time, it is NOT your job to inform them, nor is it your job to guess at what they know and what they don't know. I realize that people live out of state from their parents for a variety of reasons, but it really sucks sometimes to be the one that does live nearby and takes on so much of the responsibility of helping out with the parent. Your siblings should be expressing their gratitude to you for being there for their father when they can't or won't, not harassing you and cursing you because they don't take the time to even regularly speak with their father to know what's going on. It was a routine outpatient procedure fgs. If he were hospitalized, had a stroke, a heart attack, etc, that's different. I think you handled this MUCH nicer than I would have. I would have apologized to them for the FB post that got them worrying but I would let them know that I'm not about to tolerate being spoken to that way. Period. Please don't lose any more sleep over this. You've already got enough going on between your job, schooling, and helping with your dad, you don't need to carry your brother's baggage too. This. All of this. I live away from my family and I think my brother is the amazing one because he's had to deal with all the stuff that comes with my parents. I would NEVER think of ripping him a new one because he posted a thanks on FB for something like that. In fact, I'd be more likely to call and see how he's doing knowing that he has a busy life and a lot to do. I am really tired of all the faaaaaamily nonsense that gets posted here and that you have to be so damn coddling to everyone just because of blood. If the son doesn't know that's HIS problem, not yours. I'm going to wager he's as much of an asshole to your father as he is to you and that's why he didn't know. You did nothing wrong. Don't listen to the histrionics. It's not worth it. Ignore your brother's tantrum and move on. If he wants to be in the know, then he needs to get involved. Otherwise, his problem not yours.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,247
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Apr 24, 2016 14:46:12 GMT
I get that you didn't know your brother and sister had no idea about your father's procedure.
Posting a public thank you regarding someone else's health is not something I think I'd do on Facebook, but I kind of understand what your intent was there, and it acknowledges that person's professional abilities.
You now know, however, that that set off alarms for your brother and sister.
The mistake, in my view, was in how you responded - by telling your brother that your dad didn't want "everyone" to know you made it sound like he was part of the "everyone" and that came off as dismissive. You also contradicted yourself - because if he didn't want everyone to know, why on earth would you post anything about it at all?
I don't like the way your brother responded, but I think you owe him and your sister, and maybe your dad, an apology.
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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 24, 2016 15:14:48 GMT
mcscrapper did I miss something? The way I read your post, you said "Thank you for helping my Dad". That could mean friend offered him a seat in hospital cafeteria. Did you say something more specific? I don't expect you to clarify, but it seems some are making a big leap based on Thank You. I just posted a thank you for help to an attorney friend- do I need to post a clarification so my community doesn't leap to conclusion I'm getting a divorce?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 24, 2016 15:16:57 GMT
mcscrapper did I miss something? The way I read your post, you said "Thank you for helping my Dad". That could mean friend offered him a seat in hospital cafeteria. Did you say something more specific? Well since both of her other siblings texted her at midnight to find out what was wrong with their father - her message must have been specific enough to raise alarm and vague enough that they had no idea it was routine and fine.
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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 24, 2016 15:19:33 GMT
mcscrapper did I miss something? The way I read your post, you said "Thank you for helping my Dad". That could mean friend offered him a seat in hospital cafeteria. Did you say something more specific? Well since both of her other siblings texted her at midnight to find out what was wrong with their father - her message must have been specific enough to raise alarm and vague enough that they had no idea it was routine and fine. And hopefully they also contacted their father too! If he's been put in position to tell her not to address his issues with them, they must know she isn't to address it. Unless they really are obtuse- hence the father's decision.
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stepht5
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 2, 2014 23:43:49 GMT
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Post by stepht5 on Apr 24, 2016 16:50:20 GMT
I have sent both siblings an apology for posting anything on FB. I sent: "I apologize for posting on FB. I thought y'all knew, otherwise I would not have posted anything." Let me be perfectly clear that I see how posting was not a great idea. I am just really upset / angry at how my brother sent me that scathing text message and cussing at me. I get that he is upset that he didn't know but I feel like his anger about not knowing is misdirected at me. m I agree! He's upset that your dad didn't tell him. That's not your fault. It is not your fault they didn't know.
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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 24, 2016 18:30:45 GMT
mcscrapper did I miss something? The way I read your post, you said "Thank you for helping my Dad". That could mean friend offered him a seat in hospital cafeteria. Did you say something more specific? I don't expect you to clarify, but it seems some are making a big leap based on Thank You. I just posted a thank you for help to an attorney friend- do I need to post a clarification so my community doesn't leap to conclusion I'm getting a divorce? That's all I posted. I said, "Huge thanks to a great friend and mentor, Julie, for helping my dad today. You are a rock star." She said something like, "he's a mess! Glad I could help and everything checked out great." There was a mention about his cochlear implants and not hearing so well but that's it.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 24, 2016 19:25:27 GMT
I'm sorry you're having to hear some ridiculous stuff on here OP (particularly all of the HIPAA stuff). I agree that the public FB thank you was probably not the way to go and that you should have sent that message privately (as you have acknowledged yourself), but for everything else you were above board on and did nothing wrong. If your dad was incapacitated and incapable of communicating with your siblings, then yes, it would be nice for you to keep them informed with what's going on. Because your dad and siblings are fully capable of communicating with one another and simply choose not to much of the time, it is NOT your job to inform them, nor is it your job to guess at what they know and what they don't know. I realize that people live out of state from their parents for a variety of reasons, but it really sucks sometimes to be the one that does live nearby and takes on so much of the responsibility of helping out with the parent. Your siblings should be expressing their gratitude to you for being there for their father when they can't or won't, not harassing you and cursing you because they don't take the time to even regularly speak with their father to know what's going on. It was a routine outpatient procedure fgs. If he were hospitalized, had a stroke, a heart attack, etc, that's different. I think you handled this MUCH nicer than I would have. I would have apologized to them for the FB post that got them worrying but I would let them know that I'm not about to tolerate being spoken to that way. Period. Please don't lose any more sleep over this. You've already got enough going on between your job, schooling, and helping with your dad, you don't need to carry your brother's baggage too. This. All of this. I live away from my family and I think my brother is the amazing one because he's had to deal with all the stuff that comes with my parents. I would NEVER think of ripping him a new one because he posted a thanks on FB for something like that. In fact, I'd be more likely to call and see how he's doing knowing that he has a busy life and a lot to do. I am really tired of all the faaaaaamily nonsense that gets posted here and that you have to be so damn coddling to everyone just because of blood. If the son doesn't know that's HIS problem, not yours. I'm going to wager he's as much of an asshole to your father as he is to you and that's why he didn't know. You did nothing wrong. Don't listen to the histrionics. It's not worth it. Ignore your brother's tantrum and move on. If he wants to be in the know, then he needs to get involved. Otherwise, his problem not yours. I don't think this is a very fair assessment, considering that everyone is dealing with a unique set of dynamics and people. Your brother sounds awesome, but would you say the same if he was a martyr about it? If he held things over your head for not being there in the trenches? What if you talked to your parents all the time but they never told you things, but you would see it clearly in person. If your brother was intimately aware of a health issue and knew your parents never let you in on the day to day stuff even if you asked, would you feel like you didn't deserve to know anything that was going on since you don't live in the same town? You don't know that her brother doesn't try to be involved, many have stated that in spite of requests parents brush them off and avoid the topics. I think it's a stretch to call him an asshole based on this one post by the OP. I don't think the expectation of courtesy and working together is outside the bounds of expectations in a family. Regardless of where people live. Here is an example from my mom, her sister moved in by her own choice with my grandmother into their family home when she became unable to care for herself. Everyone wanted to help out, offers of assistance from sisters in the area, and money from those outside (there are 7 children). She refused it all. She quit her job, sold her house and became the care provider. My mom called weekly. My aunt told her it was going well, would update on g'mas care routine, appts, etc. When she passed away, the house was to be sold. Aunt decided she should get to live there as compensation for all the care she provided. Now from her the story was she sacrificed everything and supported my gma in her last year of life, and that her siblings refused to help her or compensate her even though hiring a care provider would have been significantly more than what she stood to gain in the value of the home. They didn't live nearby, they didn't make sacrifices, they didn't assist financially, and frankly it wasn't fair. Her own family would see her homeless, and how could they treat her that way? But the siblings all have a different story, one of offers to take turns, pay for care givers, move gma to a facility, offers of financial assistance, and Aunt said she had it and was fine and it wasn't a big deal *every time they asked her*. So my point is we just can't possibly know the story, the history, the dynamics. On its face this seems pretty over the top and a simple apology and not doing it again should be fine. But in reality, everyone is bringing their own experiences to their understanding of the story, and on top of that it's only one side of a many sided story. I think the value in the post is that the OP can see how other people feel in their own situations, perhaps come from a new place of understanding towards her siblings and then try to do better next time, and maybe take it as a jumping off point for those really hard conversations we all have to have about our parents if we aren't only children.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Apr 24, 2016 20:50:00 GMT
IMO, stay away from posting on social media unless you want everyone to know your business and that certainly includes being vague. A private msg is much better.
OP, best thing is to move on and continue telling your dad to keep you out of being in the middle.
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Post by kernriver on Apr 24, 2016 21:00:16 GMT
Just read the update. How about sending brother an email saying you could move on a lot easier if you got an apology from him. Then maybe copy the email he sent you. Might work.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 24, 2016 21:14:18 GMT
The "lets move on.." Talk is his way of knowing that he shouldn't have jumped your shit and he's controlling the discussion so that you don't bring it up to him to call him out on his shitty behavior.
Reiterate to him that yes, he is your Dad, that he is his son and as his son should keep in touch more frequently (daily/weekly) so that the information from Dad comes from dad!
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Post by utmr on Apr 24, 2016 22:08:56 GMT
Oh hell no. That "let's move on " nonsense means "I was a jacka$$ and now I'm going to be condescending in the hopes you feel bad and accept my bad behavior. I'm trying to make my bad behavior your fault. "
No no no. He needs to be set straight. I would have let round one slide- different feelings about Facebook, etc. But not this nonsense.
Who did he copy on this? I'd send screen shots of his hateful message back and copy in dad and all the siblings. With a message to the effect of "no I am not moving on. You do not get to treat me that way and get away with it. If you want to be involved with dad then act like an adult and be involved. If you want to not be involved, then don't be. But don't you ever speak to me like this again. Ever. Do you understand brother? "
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Post by christine58 on Apr 24, 2016 22:26:16 GMT
Take the high road...seriously. Don't be a bitch back to him. You should not have posted it on Facebook, you really shouldn't have. That being said--DB is a jerk and I'd ignore him
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 20:26:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2016 22:50:02 GMT
You have given your apology. Now it is time to set clear boundaries with DB and DS on what you will and will not do in the way of communications. As many have said before communication is a two-way street and they can use telephones, email, texts, etc. just as easily as you.
Also, I suggest being very clear with DB that you will not be the middle-man for his issues with Dad. No more. DB needs to back down and quit telling everyone what to do and how.
As for Dad moving - I am a firm believer that is worst thing that can happen to an elder loved one. Moving them from their neighborhood, friends and activities during their golden years speeds up aging. There is no vitality in being alone and that is what would happen to your Dad if he left Alabama.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 24, 2016 22:54:54 GMT
Where is the assumption that the brother never communicates with dad coming from?
Why are we deciding he is an asshole when we have almost no information?
This is what I'm talking about, everyone is projecting here.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 24, 2016 23:03:11 GMT
I thought of this thread today. We had to drop DS off for band and we left with the truck of equipment and DS had an issue. When it was all resolved he sent me a text to thank so&so' mom when I see her ..... So OP you saved me some trouble. DS got locked out of the school today and another mom I know, who happens to be a nurse, helped him out, let him use her cel, and stayed with him until the situation could be fixed. So I know better than to thank her on FB for helping DS and staying with him. I mean all hell could have broke loose if I FB this: Thank you so much Kristen (nurse ) for staying with DS while he waited to get into his room And yes her FB page does say she's an ER nurse And yes I thanked her in person. But all the whole time I kept thinking of this thread.
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Post by annabella on Apr 24, 2016 23:03:37 GMT
I think moving a house and financial issues are different from medical issues. I think you could ask your dad how he wants you to proceed going forward whenever he has surgery. If your dad doesn't want you telling his son about his medical issues, then you just tell the son that now and encourage him to speak to his father more frequently to get updates.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 24, 2016 23:28:06 GMT
I think at this point, i'd ask Dad for permission to keep them in the loop when medical things occur that you think they should know about. I wouldn't go into it all, but just tell him that something like a heart cath that you'd like to just be able to tell them that he'd had it done and was doing well. Hopefully he'll go along with it and you won't be in the middle so much.
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Post by Zee on Apr 24, 2016 23:32:54 GMT
Oh hell no. That "let's move on " nonsense means "I was a jacka$$ and now I'm going to be condescending in the hopes you feel bad and accept my bad behavior. I'm trying to make my bad behavior your fault. " No no no. He needs to be set straight. I would have let round one slide- different feelings about Facebook, etc. But not this nonsense. Who did he copy on this? I'd send screen shots of his hateful message back and copy in dad and all the siblings. With a message to the effect of "no I am not moving on. You do not get to treat me that way and get away with it. If you want to be involved with dad then act like an adult and be involved. If you want to not be involved, then don't be. But don't you ever speak to me like this again. Ever. Do you understand brother? " You're a vengeful one, aintcha? Good grief.
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Post by scrapsotime on Apr 24, 2016 23:40:21 GMT
I think at this point, i'd ask Dad for permission to keep them in the loop when medical things occur that you think they should know about. I wouldn't go into it all, but just tell him that something like a heart cath that you'd like to just be able to tell them that he'd had it done and was doing well. Hopefully he'll go along with it and you won't be in the middle so much. I disagree. I would tell brother that unless it was an emergency all info about dad's health will come from dad. Dad should have control over what he wants put out there.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 24, 2016 23:51:04 GMT
Oh hell no. That "let's move on " nonsense means "I was a jacka$$ and now I'm going to be condescending in the hopes you feel bad and accept my bad behavior. I'm trying to make my bad behavior your fault. " No no no. He needs to be set straight. I would have let round one slide- different feelings about Facebook, etc. But not this nonsense. Who did he copy on this? I'd send screen shots of his hateful message back and copy in dad and all the siblings. With a message to the effect of "no I am not moving on. You do not get to treat me that way and get away with it. If you want to be involved with dad then act like an adult and be involved. If you want to not be involved, then don't be. But don't you ever speak to me like this again. Ever. Do you understand brother? " Oh for heavens sake. They all need to get along for the sake of their dad. This (above) is the last thing she needs to do. "Let's move on" very likely means "we aren't going to resolve it and, for the sake of dad, let's not argue about it." OP - you are a busy person, with your clinicals and taking care of your dad. You don't need more aggravation. I've been in a similar position as you, and the way I handled it was to take myself right out of it. You can easily say, "If dad wants to tell you something, or you want to ask him something, please don't go through me. I have enough to do."
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Post by realm on Apr 24, 2016 23:55:13 GMT
I'm sorry your brother is treating you this, eldercare is hard enough without siblings making it harder.
I'd just respond to my brother "And I'm relying on you to understand that I am doing the best that I can." I do think this is something you should have let your brother know about but that in no way excuses the way he responded to you and he does owe you an apology. I think going forward, yes, let him know about serious events but if he bothers/criticizes you for not sharing more mundane stuff I would remind him that your father is still capable of sharing that information himself and if he wants to know stuff he has to speak directly with your dad.
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