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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 2:09:46 GMT
begging my ex to support his daughter makes me feel ill.
My daughter landed the lead in The Lion King that her theatre group is doing. She will be Rafikki.
It is a huge role, her dream role, she has been preparing for it since Sept., even though she wasn't cast until Feb.
They will be performing at the big professional theatre down town. Its a big fucking deal!
Her Dad who lives far away and would have to fly, rent a car and get a hotel. I get it, it's not cheap.
But she has been asking him to come see her all year. He has never seen her perform in a show! NEVER!
He has a litany of reasons, flights are expensive...I found him one for $400 which is cheap coming from Cayman.
She'll be busy with school and the show he won't get to spend time with her. No School is finished she will just have the show.
My family will be there she will have to choose... NO my family will one welcome him along and two take a back seat to him.
He just acts like he is looking for excuses not to come instead of finding ways so that he can come!
That's my divorce vent for the day.... what is your vent?
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Post by lesleyanne on Apr 27, 2016 2:13:23 GMT
I am in the process of divorce. We are working through our separation documents.
I have our two daughters 91% of the time. On the weekend he said he was entitled to spousal support as I make more than him. He even shopped lawyers (he's on #4 now) who would tell him that. I'm a teacher. I do make more. But I'm very far from rolling in cash!!!!
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Post by lucyg on Apr 27, 2016 2:21:09 GMT
I'm sorry he's being a butthead. I'm really sorry for your wonderful girl. But you can't force him to be interested and involved if he isn't interested and involved on his own.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 2:27:16 GMT
I am in the process of divorce. We are working through our separation documents. I have our two daughters 91% of the time. On the weekend he said he was entitled to spousal support as I make more than him. He even shopped lawyers (he's on #4 now) who would tell him that. I'm a teacher. I do make more. But I'm very far from rolling in cash!!!! ohhh geez!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 2:28:21 GMT
I'm sorry he's being a butthead. I'm really sorry for your wonderful girl. But you can't force him to be interested and involved if he isn't interested and involved on his own. I know... but I cant not try for my girl!
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 27, 2016 2:31:52 GMT
My asshole BIL has always put his current wife and her kids above his daughter. Then he wonders why she isn't head over heels about him.
It pisses me off and she is only my niece (and lives far away from me and I've only seen her a handful of times total). I can't imagine if it was my own child getting screwed.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 27, 2016 2:34:54 GMT
My ex lives an hour away. I drive and meet him half way. He has spent less than 24 hours with our kids since new years. Two years now and he hasn't been to a single lacrosse game. I feel your pain. Hugs...
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 27, 2016 2:37:08 GMT
Congrats to your daughter. If I'm remembering you correctly, your daughter's a middle schooler. I might bluntly remind him that in a few short years, she's not going to be looking for him in the audience anymore. I hope he steps up.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 27, 2016 2:53:41 GMT
Congrats to your daughter. If I'm remembering you correctly, your daughter's a middle schooler. I might bluntly remind him that in a few short years, she's not going to be looking for him in the audience anymore. I hope he steps up. we tried that with dumbass. It didn't help. She doesn't care if she comes to her Hs graduation or not and would actually prefer it if he isnt.
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Post by ilikepink on Apr 27, 2016 2:54:26 GMT
It sucks, it really does. When your daughter becomes a rich and famous actress, she will remember who was there for her and who wasn't.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,422
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Apr 27, 2016 2:59:09 GMT
My asshole BIL has always put his current wife and her kids above his daughter. Then he wonders why she is head over heels about him. It pisses me off and she is only my niece (and lives far away from me and I've only seen her a handful of times total). I can't imagine if it was my own child getting screwed. What does head over heels mean to you? The only context I've heard it in is : in love. Head over heels in love. but I'm guessing this isn't what you are meaning?
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 27, 2016 3:02:29 GMT
My asshole BIL has always put his current wife and her kids above his daughter. Then he wonders why she isn't head over heels about him. It pisses me off and she is only my niece (and lives far away from me and I've only seen her a handful of times total). I can't imagine if it was my own child getting screwed. What does head over heels mean to you? The only context I've heard it in is : in love. Head over heels in love. but I'm guessing this isn't what you are meaning? like a typical daddy's girl, thinking he is her hero... For the record, I meant *isn't* head over heels. I'll change it.
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Post by SallyPA on Apr 27, 2016 3:11:36 GMT
That totally stinks for your sweet girl who has worked hard all year for it.
My vent is that I worked really hard for 5-6 years after our divorce to work amicably and coparent. Things were smooth sailing, for the most part. He visited his kids at least every other weekend. He lives 3.5 hours away and would come here so he could participate in family things, holidays, short vacations, birthdays, etc. It worked really great and my kids never knew tension between us.
Then he got a new girlfriend a year ago. She's much much younger than us- 16 years so. That, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Except she is very immature. She can't handle that he had a life before her. She didn't want him dealing with me as much as he did and so he literally stopped coming. I can count on one hand all the times he has spent time with them in the past year. He doesn't text or talk to me about anything.
He gave them a new phone to share about a year ago (which is stupid because sharing doesn't work anyways), but what I quickly realized is its to circumvent me. Because it makes the GF feel better. He doesn't like if I take the phone away as a consequence for poor behavior and poor attitude. I've had to tell him several times that I get to decide what happens in my house. The end. But its not because he keeps being an asshole about it. I'm close to sending him his phone back and getting a no stringss attached phone.
We are not coparenting anymore and it makes me really incredibly sad. Because all the work and effort and positive things that happened in the years after my divorce are al flushed down the drain. Man does it ever suck for my sweet, wonderful girlies.
Sorry that ended up really long with lots of typos (on my phone), but I haven't really talked about it with anybody else because this far out, people just expect things to be semi normal! Ugh!!!!!!!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 27, 2016 3:18:36 GMT
My son's father knows what it's like to struggle as he is unemployed. I do get pleasure out of it (he sent no child support for our son) so I get to smirk if he doesn't have enough money for beer.
The a@#$#@# also doesn't want to talk to DS. I don't care if you're mad at me, at least talk to the kid. Don't shut him out.
I am telling the father to have a relationship with the offspring.
Other women I know bad-mouth their exes to the kids. I want them to get along.
I want them to have a relationship.
I want DS to have a father.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 27, 2016 3:20:15 GMT
My kids literally had hundreds of games over the past years. Probably 300 altogether each year. Ex lives 5 minutes (!!) away. Saw half of one game.
My record? 17 games in one week. I stopped strangers on the street to tell them that!
FWIW: I counted Sunday to the next Sunday - so a Beatles' week! And yes, there were tournaments involved, but I did race from one game to the next every single day.
I'm sorry about your daughter. It sucks.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 27, 2016 4:49:44 GMT
ktdoesntscrap my husband can be that way. My vent, government paperwork. It's so overwhelming and intimidating. It needs to be done immediately.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 11:15:37 GMT
My ex lives an hour away. I drive and meet him half way. He has spent less than 24 hours with our kids since new years. Two years now and he hasn't been to a single lacrosse game. I feel your pain. Hugs... That really sucks... at least my ex has the excuse that he has to fly to see her. I just don't understand it.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 11:17:22 GMT
Congrats to your daughter. If I'm remembering you correctly, your daughter's a middle schooler. I might bluntly remind him that in a few short years, she's not going to be looking for him in the audience anymore. I hope he steps up. Yes she is in 7th grade.. and she already doesn't really want to go spend the summer with him.. though she hasn't said that to him yet... it will only get worse.. and he doesn't see it.
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Post by ro on Apr 27, 2016 11:29:03 GMT
Timely post as I meet with my lawyer and his lawyer today to hammer out a separation agreement that is taking longer than the building of the Wall of China.
Because he was 'so broke' I agreed (stupidly) to lower my alimony/child support to half of what he owes me for a temporary time. And then he proceeded to give me 1/3 of that. It doesn't cover my bills, and groceries. And I have my kids full-time bc they don't want to live with him.
The kicker? In the span of the last 3 months he's gone to Belize and spent last week in Paris. New clothes etc.
Yeah this is not going to be a short meeting today.
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Post by not2peased on Apr 27, 2016 11:53:21 GMT
I am in the process of divorce. We are working through our separation documents. I have our two daughters 91% of the time. On the weekend he said he was entitled to spousal support as I make more than him. He even shopped lawyers (he's on #4 now) who would tell him that. I'm a teacher. I do make more. But I'm very far from rolling in cash!!!! that is exactly why I ended up paying my ex child support for an entire year-despite the fact I had the kids 90% of the time-I made more money than he did
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Post by peasapie on Apr 27, 2016 12:09:49 GMT
My ex was like that too, and you know what? When my daughter got married (a wedding i paid for) she didn't want him giving her away. Her brother - the man who's always been there for her - did that.
My ex was very angry and said it was his God-given right.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 13:24:46 GMT
That totally stinks for your sweet girl who has worked hard all year for it. My vent is that I worked really hard for 5-6 years after our divorce to work amicably and coparent. Things were smooth sailing, for the most part. He visited his kids at least every other weekend. He lives 3.5 hours away and would come here so he could participate in family things, holidays, short vacations, birthdays, etc. It worked really great and my kids never knew tension between us. Then he got a new girlfriend a year ago. She's much much younger than us- 16 years so. That, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Except she is very immature. She can't handle that he had a life before her. She didn't want him dealing with me as much as he did and so he literally stopped coming. I can count on one hand all the times he has spent time with them in the past year. He doesn't text or talk to me about anything. He gave them a new phone to share about a year ago (which is stupid because sharing doesn't work anyways), but what I quickly realized is its to circumvent me. Because it makes the GF feel better. He doesn't like if I take the phone away as a consequence for poor behavior and poor attitude. I've had to tell him several times that I get to decide what happens in my house. The end. But its not because he keeps being an asshole about it. I'm close to sending him his phone back and getting a no stringss attached phone. We are not coparenting anymore and it makes me really incredibly sad. Because all the work and effort and positive things that happened in the years after my divorce are al flushed down the drain. Man does it ever suck for my sweet, wonderful girlies. Sorry that ended up really long with lots of typos (on my phone), but I haven't really talked about it with anybody else because this far out, people just expect things to be semi normal! Ugh!!!!!!! I'm sorry it does suck that it was working so well. My ex married a women 20 years younger. (let's not talk about the whole ick factor there) I thought that was the problem and maybe when they had kids she would see why he needed to spend time with our daughter... nope. It only got worse.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 27, 2016 13:26:28 GMT
My ex was like that too, and you know what? When my daughter got married (a wedding i paid for) she didn't want him giving her away. Her brother - the man who's always been there for her - did that. My ex was very angry and said it was his God-given right. I think what he meant to say is his Sperm-Given right.. and being the sperm donor does not make you a father!
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Post by scrapaddict702 on Apr 28, 2016 5:51:49 GMT
I am so sorry. I have seen many instances where divorce for the men also means divorce from their children. You can't force someone to want to be an involved parent and watching it break your kids' hearts sucks.
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Post by scrapaddict702 on Apr 28, 2016 5:58:44 GMT
That totally stinks for your sweet girl who has worked hard all year for it. My vent is that I worked really hard for 5-6 years after our divorce to work amicably and coparent. Things were smooth sailing, for the most part. He visited his kids at least every other weekend. He lives 3.5 hours away and would come here so he could participate in family things, holidays, short vacations, birthdays, etc. It worked really great and my kids never knew tension between us. Then he got a new girlfriend a year ago. She's much much younger than us- 16 years so. That, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Except she is very immature. She can't handle that he had a life before her. She didn't want him dealing with me as much as he did and so he literally stopped coming. I can count on one hand all the times he has spent time with them in the past year. He doesn't text or talk to me about anything. He gave them a new phone to share about a year ago (which is stupid because sharing doesn't work anyways), but what I quickly realized is its to circumvent me. Because it makes the GF feel better. He doesn't like if I take the phone away as a consequence for poor behavior and poor attitude. I've had to tell him several times that I get to decide what happens in my house. The end. But its not because he keeps being an asshole about it. I'm close to sending him his phone back and getting a no stringss attached phone. We are not coparenting anymore and it makes me really incredibly sad. Because all the work and effort and positive things that happened in the years after my divorce are al flushed down the drain. Man does it ever suck for my sweet, wonderful girlies. Sorry that ended up really long with lots of typos (on my phone), but I haven't really talked about it with anybody else because this far out, people just expect things to be semi normal! Ugh!!!!!!! I'm sorry it does suck that it was working so well. My ex married a women 20 years younger. (let's not talk about the whole ick factor there) I thought that was the problem and maybe when they had kids she would see why he needed to spend time with our daughter... nope. It only got worse. My Dad was a single father raising my sister when he married my Mom. My parents are 23 years apart (my mom is only 8 years older than my sister and he was only a few years younger than her parents). Age of the new partner doesn't necessarily mean anything. My Dad wasn't the greatest father in the world, but he was always there for us kids. He raised us when my mom essentially chose drugs and alcohol (and other men) over being there for us. He even won custody of my other sister in the divorce, whom he adopted when he and my mother married. It was the only structured life (even though, as I said, my dad wasn't the greatest parent out there) she had ever known...when she moved in with my mom at 13, she basically became a gypsy because my mom's new husband didn't want any resources going to raise her and she preferred living on the streets, drugs, alcohol, 'freedom' over rules and structure. He had been fighting to reform the special education system there because they were essentially passing kids who should have been held back just so they'd be the next teacher's problem and he was tired of her and my brother falling through the cracks. He gave up the fight when she insisted she move in with my mother.
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Apr 28, 2016 13:06:08 GMT
it will only get worse.. and he doesn't see it. Oh yes! It will just get worse. She won't forget. I've never met my dh's father. I've been married to dh for almost 23 years and have known him for probably 35 years. He has not seen nor communicated with his father, still living, in all that time. The man has grandchildren that he's never met. This man is one who placed his new girlfriend/wife above the kids. Never came to anything and they ended up hating the time they were forced to spend with him. The second they no longer had to spend time with him (and it sounds like his mom worked with the lawyers to end that sooner than normal), they were done with him. I think it is sad.
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 28, 2016 13:59:26 GMT
The best advice I got was from a counselor when I was worried about fractured relationships between my sons and their father. He told me that at some point I had to allow my children to walk their own path with their father and that I could no more control what the other parent did than I could control whether or not the sun came up in the morning.
His point was that I could complain until the cows come about how he treated the kids, how much he participated (or if he did at all) and whether or not did all the extra-curricular stuff like I did. (He also pointed out that there are a lot of two parent families that don't have both parents show up to all the games, all the plays, all the awards ceremonies, all the concerts, etc. and no one ever criticizes those parents for doing what works for their families.) I can not control what someone else does and all I would do is send a subconscious message to my children about what I thought about their father. The reality is that their are all kinds of participation levels of parents, and none of them are wrong, just maybe different than mine.
Once I backed off my expectations of what I thought he (my ex) should do, and once I allowed my children to start taking control of their relationship with their dad, it got so much better. He does it differently than I do, but in some ways he does it better than me. The kids have forged their own way, just like they would have done had we remained married. If they asked, sometimes I would give advice on how to ask a question, but I admit, there is something very freeing for all of us when they were given the opportunity to shape the relationships on their own. Shoot, they had to do that with me too-with no one giving them advice or telling me what I should/shouldn't be doing so I always thought they should be allowed to do the same with their dad.
Disappointments happen for sure. But that would happen regardless of marital status. My attitude helped shaped it as much as anything. If I could go to something and dad couldn't, then that was the way things happen. Turns out, there were times that I couldn't do something and dad could-but no one ever thought to look at me in askance-not even the kids. Sometimes neither of us could go and my mom and dad would go instead-just like how a married family would handle it.
These days the boys have a really good relationship with their dad. I think some of that is due to the advice I got early on about letting the boys walk their own path with their dad. Of course, this assumes that there is no abuse or neglect, but in normal as healthy as the rest of us slightly muddled up relationships then it works.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 28, 2016 14:06:36 GMT
it will only get worse.. and he doesn't see it. Oh yes! It will just get worse. She won't forget. I've never met my dh's father. I've been married to dh for almost 23 years and have known him for probably 35 years. He has not seen nor communicated with his father, still living, in all that time. The man has grandchildren that he's never met. This man is one who placed his new girlfriend/wife above the kids. Never came to anything and they ended up hating the time they were forced to spend with him. The second they no longer had to spend time with him (and it sounds like his mom worked with the lawyers to end that sooner than normal), they were done with him. I think it is sad. It is sad. And incomprehensible to me.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Apr 28, 2016 14:13:17 GMT
That was MY father, but my parents never divorced. It's pretty hard when your dad doesn't go to one thing your entire life (except my high school graduation and my mom had to drag him to that). Oh well... I got over it, really.
In time she'll figure it out on her own and dad will learn the hard way, if he even wants to learn at all. I advise to stop trying so hard, he doesn't WANT to come. All you'll do is make yourself and her feel worse about it.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 28, 2016 14:30:49 GMT
it will only get worse.. and he doesn't see it. Oh yes! It will just get worse. She won't forget. I've never met my dh's father. I've been married to dh for almost 23 years and have known him for probably 35 years. He has not seen nor communicated with his father, still living, in all that time. The man has grandchildren that he's never met. This man is one who placed his new girlfriend/wife above the kids. Never came to anything and they ended up hating the time they were forced to spend with him. The second they no longer had to spend time with him (and it sounds like his mom worked with the lawyers to end that sooner than normal), they were done with him. I think it is sad. I'm so sorry for your DH. Unfortunately these types of parents generally decide they want to see their offspring when they are knocking on death's door.
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