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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:00:00 GMT
I'm mad. I'm sad. Yes, this is an anon post. Just maybe venting....idk
Is there a point we can just let a kid go and let things settle where they may in the future??
Oldest DD finished her college degree at the 1/2 year mark. Only grad ceremony her college offers is in the spring. Sent her a msg asking what the plan was and her response was she didn't sign up to walk - she would walk when she completes a graduate degree since that is more of a achievement/important. Thing is, her dad and I just paid about $100k out of our own pocket for that f*ing degree. Never a thanks or a bit of appreciation.
Without sharing too many stories, I don't know what you could "classify" her as. In the past I would have said driven, but she hasn't operated that way through college (left HS an honor student and went to college as an honor student and just let it fizzle out). Pretty much lives the "Do what I want...no f*cks given" mantra. She has friends and gets along with coworkers (friends she chooses - she can walk away from just about anyone). She hates confrontation of any sort and lacks compassion/empathy (she'll admit to both). She's into extreme sports (skiing/snowboarding/mountain biking/climbing) which is her primary focus and she is prepared to settle her life around that and a lot of her money goes towards that. Her group is into lots of piercings, tattoos, drinking, and pot. Regardless, she has a couple of slightly over min wage jobs (same ones she had through college) and is now on her own financially. We asked if there were opportunities to be at least full-time with benefits but she doesn't want to lose the flexible schedule she has now.
She hasn't had the greatest luck with relationships with guys. Had some in HS a more serious one when she started college. Last interest I knew of was about 1.5 yrs ago she really liked one of her co-workers and they were dating for a bit. Then when I asked about him a little later, she said he was just a player. Last summer she brought home a guy that hung out with our family for a weekend but they were just friends. She has a lot of guy friends but she isn't someone to give off "signals" or pursue anyone. Then out of the blue about a week before her last visit home she sent a msg to me saying she has been seeing someone for awhile and could she bring a +1 home for the weekend. I said that's great, you'll have to tell me about +1 and she responded her name is xx and she is wonderful. My response was huh, we had no idea but as long as she's happy. She said, well I never said anything because she didn't think it would turn into anything.
When she brought her girlfriend home I had the feeling she wanted us to gush over them (and her gf is quite a flirt in her mannerisms) and we were polite but kept chit chat high level and left it at that. We don't have an issue with her being lesbian but it was a huge surprise to us. And we wonder is this real or ?? when she had only dated guys up to this point. We would have been much more accepting if we knew how she felt ahead of time, then were introduced to a girlfriend at some point but she doesn't operate that way. Mostly the visit home was so DD could drop off her dog so we could watch it for the weekend then they took off to visit friends and showed up for a short visit to pick the dog up. Again, no thanks for watching the dog or asking ahead of time.
Our relationship with this kid has just kind of crept downward. She doesn't have any real interest in what we are up to or how her younger siblings are. She didn't come home at Christmas this year because she got mad at me in early Dec when her car broke down (as her dad had been warning her for 6+ months that it would if she didn't fix/replace a couple of things) and I said we can't help financially (she had "borrowed" money from me in the past for car repairs then not paid me back) and then she refused to talk to us because she was stressed out about school/money/car and needed a break from us so didn't come home at Christmas. She finally started talking to us late Jan so DH could help her find a car (which she got a loan for on her own - yay her!) and wanting to know if I had bought her a few certain things she had asked for from us for Christmas because she needed them. I'm all for being self-centered and figuring out who you are, but I'm just fed up.
Sadly, with the timing of the new gf and how she seems to want us to react about that....I think this will get turned into we don't "accept" her. I've just been leading up to having it out with her but she just runs from confrontation.
Yeah, this is probably more of a vent (and I'm feeling better already) but I'm open to hearing if I'm a shitty parent, need to keep sucking it up with this kid, just let it go, need to get the rest of my kids to church ASAP so they don't turn out the same way....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:13:17 GMT
I think you are long past the point of it being ok to let a kid "go" We have to at some point. You've done your part of making sure she got an education. Now, what she chooses as life priorities is up to her. They may well be different than your priorities, as least for a few years. Doesn't mean you have to support her decisions with money or cars or bail her out of problems she creates by her choices.
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rickmer
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Apr 28, 2016 12:19:58 GMT
i think your DD has the same issues as many young people (i was guilty of this myself).... just so wrapped up in herself, her friends, her immediate wants/needs that you have been pushed into the background.
our DD is in grade 10 now and i do notice she has started taking us for granted, assuming that the whole family can rotate around her... i have had several conversations with her about how it makes me feel. she truly has no idea but listens and then tries to adjust accordingly. i try to be careful and neutral about how i present things so she doesn't hear "just complaining". DD is fairly empathetic so if i talk "feelings" that will usually get her.
the christmas thing would have really hurt my feelings. you need a break from us??? because you are stressed out about other things in your life? it sounds like she was punishing you for not responding the way she wanted to her broken down car.
i hate confrontation too but also don't see conversation as confrontation. good luck and don't give up on her.... many of us were not the most wonderful young adults either. ((hugs))
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Post by gar on Apr 28, 2016 12:21:34 GMT
So how old is she? It doesn't excuse selfishness but a lot of young adults are very self absorbed and seemingly unaware of what sacrifices we make for them sometimes. And I don't think we should make sacrifices based on the thanks we might get. You did it for her and she's benefited - that's as far as you can take it....knowing you did your best to give her a great education. That will benefit her her whole life.
Maybe laying it all out in a letter would help you calmly tell her why her behaviour upsets you....and she can read it in her own time.
As for her lifestyle, if she's say 20+ I would say yes, it's time to let her live her life. Always welcome her and her partners but don't help out financially any more once you have explained why.
Parenting doesn't stop being hard does it, even when they are grown.
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Post by mrssmith on Apr 28, 2016 12:27:11 GMT
Well, I think about the job choices and friends/GFs and relationships to guys, you should let it go, unless these relationships are damaging to her life (abusive, etc). I could also get a F-T job with better pay, but have a P-T job for the flexibility it allows (and lucky enough that DH's job pays most of the bills).
Re: the college graduation. Maybe say something on how you are proud of her and this particular accomplishment, so you and DH would love to see her walk. In the end, your decision to fund her college education was your decision. If she was ungrateful this whole time and you haven't addressed it, I think the ship has sailed since she's now done.Or rather you can address it, but you no longer have any leverage about her paying for part of it, etc. If she has loans, she can pay for them.
Re: what you perceive as rudeness and the lending of money should definitely be addressed. Don't watch the dog anymore - just say no. Don't lend money. Accept visits that are family oriented and include the younger siblings, not just using you as a hotel. Maybe you both need a break from each other, as painful it may be.
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Post by mlynn on Apr 28, 2016 12:28:07 GMT
I suspect the Christmas thing was really about the girlfriend, not the car.
I think it is ok to tell her how you feel about graduation and your sacrifices. On the other hand, I can see her point. I went to Community College and got an AA-University Transfer. Then I went to University. I had a hard time really seeing the point of the graduation from CC. All it meant was that I was half done. But I did the graduation thing (never even thought about not doing it) and mentally rolled my eyes at the reactions and emotions of my mom and my sister. I did vent to my husband at the time about how silly it was.
Of course you are not a shitty parent. And I do not think it is necessary to "suck it up". It is ok for you to have boundaries and to voice them.
As for the gf, from your description you did not even get a chance to know her at all. How can you really have a reaction?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:28:18 GMT
Thanks to both of you...just totally brings out the sadness I feel about it all.
Ya know, I am sad for what I think she's going through if she is truly going to come out as a lesbian. I'd like to support her but leading up to now, I am just feeling used so it's hard. she has never wanted our opinion or insight anyway. And I worry if it isn't a real thing that she will have some stigma. But that's probably from the people around us, not her own group so I guess that doesn't matter.
Yeah, not coming home at Christmas hurt me tremendously as a mother. And was the big wake up call that I have to be willing to let my kids go and whether they come back is their choice. One thing I struggle with is treating my kids fair with my time and attention and I can't see how this doesn't skew that as much as you don't want it to.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 28, 2016 12:33:29 GMT
It is really frustrating in any relationship when we feel taken for granted, I am sorry you are dealing with that.
I will say, gently -- you don't approve of your daughter. You don't approve of her work choices. You don't approve of her current priorities with respect to how she spends and funds her leisure time. You think she isn't a good friend to people and isn't responsible with her belongings. You think her girlfriend may be a phase. I get that you are venting, but I think most of us have trouble dealing with even people we love when we sense and/or know that they disagree with how we are living our life. None of that excuses her taking advantage of you to do things like take care of her dog, but relationships are a two-way street, and while you feel like she is being selfish, I wonder if on her end she thinks you don't really like or respect her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:35:00 GMT
She is early 20's. It's never been brought up to her that we expected thanks or appreciation about paying for her degree. We haven't expected thanks but to tell us that she won't walk because this degree isn't important or an achievement feels like a slap in the face to us, I think.
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Post by pelirroja on Apr 28, 2016 12:38:40 GMT
Vent away, Mom. Here's the thing: she is on her own financially so that means she gets to make the decisions, choose the choices, and pay the consequences (if any). You did your job in paying for the degree: you gave her the educational foundation to earn her way in this life, the rest is up to her. It doesn't matter if you don't agree with her choices because, frankly, she's going to do what she's going to do regardless (and if you're upset or disapproving, it will make her proverbial poking you that much more fun for her, at least at this age). Give it time to work out and try to determine which hill you're going to die on. She's testing you so try your best to keep a calm veneer even if you are kicking and screaming inside. Don't let her see you sweat. If she's not living under your roof, it really is up to her how many jobs she has, how much they pay, and how she will make up the difference. She will age out of your health insurance so subsidizing her will end at some point, it won't be forever. Concentrate on the kids still under your roof and don't let them see or hear if this is negatively affecting you. Besides, church won't change a thing, but I'm sure you already knew that. Deep breath. Remember, leaving home and starting out on your own is a challenge at best, for anyone. She will make her choices, deal with the consequences and navigate her way from there. This generation is very different from the one we grew up in. Stigmas are not as cut-and-dried as they once were. And that can be a good thing. ((hugs))
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 28, 2016 12:44:20 GMT
It is really frustrating in any relationship when we feel taken for granted, I am sorry you are dealing with that. I will say, gently -- you don't approve of your daughter. You don't approve of her work choices. You don't approve of her current priorities with respect to how she spends and funds her leisure time. You think she isn't a good friend to people and isn't responsible with her belongings. You think her girlfriend may be a phase. I get that you are venting, but I think most of us have trouble dealing with even people we love when we sense and/or know that they disagree with how we are living our life. None of that excuses her taking advantage of you to do things like take care of her dog, but relationships are a two-way street, and while you feel like she is being selfish, I wonder if on her end she thinks you don't really like or respect her. I was going to post something similar to this. Reading the OP I was starting to wonder, so do you like anything about your daughter? Your disapproval about pretty much everything is obvious. You don't like any of the choices she's making even though they sound perfectly reasonable for someone her age who is trying to find out who she is. You don't like that she didn't come home for Christmas, you don't like who she hangs out with, you don't like that she's a lesbian, you don't like her partner, you don't like her job, you don't like her friends, from your post you make it obvious that you don't like... anything about your daughter. I'm married to a child of a parent who disapproves of pretty much everything he's done. And I see the effect. He wants to have the father he deserves, but instead he has a father that is critical, disapproving and talks down to him about everything. His father can't accept that his son, my husband, has made a success of his life taking a path that is completely different than what was expected (required) from his father. And it makes my husband miserable at times, because he KNOWS that he can never be good enough for his father. And his father makes it plain without actually saying that. Bluntly, no wonder she doesn't want to be around you or have much to do with you. You've made it impossible to live up to your expectations and she realizes that no matter what she does, you're not going to like her or maybe even love her. I want my husband to basically cut off his father because he gets nothing positive out of chasing him for love and respect. My husband deserves better than the criticism that his father (and to be honest his mother as well) dishes at him no matter what happens or is said. And if my husband doesn't fall in line and do what the family expects, even with all this negativity, then he's criticized more. So really, fuck 'em. Cut them off. He deserves better. And I hope I can open his eyes to this and deprogram the bullshit disapproval his parents have instilled in him. So maybe stop being so sad for the child you want her to be and start accepting her for who she is and being happy that she is making her own way in the world as a full fledged individual instead of a clone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:45:17 GMT
I wouldn't agree that we don't approve. I think its okay for us to take some time to adjust...and that would be more in bringing the gf home on short notice. The job doesn't really matter at this point (she's young) but we do know there is a limit to how long we'll carry her medical ins. And she'll need it with the sports she participates in as we have paid a lot out of pocket for her injuries already (another no thanks from her....but doesn't matter).
I think this is probably a lot more about feeling resentment as a parent and I know that's how it often goes...and yes same thing happened to me at that age.
She had goals at some point and then it was a couple of years of "I don't know" from her and then we don't ask anymore, assuming she will figure it out. She will and really, all I want for my kids is to be safe and happy and yes, she has heard that from me many times.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 12:56:06 GMT
Ya, I'm sharing background so ya'll understand her a bit. We aren't critical to her in her choices EVER and have accepted a lot up to this point. On the other hand she'll take and expect from us with never a thanks. That has not ONCE been said to her but I'm now at that point. I need to probably find a way to say it or I need a serious break from HER.
Her dad and I privately discuss our feelings, our other kids certainly aren't hearing it. We go visit her more than she comes home, so we certainly aren't doing our part and supporting her. When she comes home, she times it so we can take her out or pay for events (again we don't complain to her but you bet her dad and I are aware of it and talk about it privately). This time, she wanted us to take her and gf out to an upscale brewery and we said we couldn't we didn't have the $$ right now. But we grilled out at home and offered them a beer here.
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Post by gar on Apr 28, 2016 13:01:56 GMT
Many young adults pull away from their home/parental norms, it's almost a rite of passage. Give it time
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 28, 2016 13:05:09 GMT
One thing I have noticed is that the generation your daughter belongs to has a much more fluid view on sexuality than we do. I generalize of course, but from what I see is they are more apt to experiment and are much less likely to judge each other when the do. Where your daughter ends up on the scale, the stigma just isn't the same as it was even 10 years ago. There will still be the die hard homophobes, but the general population as a whole is much more accepting and your daughter will be fine. More than fine.
I have a difficult relationship with my older son. Love him to death, but the boy is on a path that I just don't understand. But he is almost 21 and that means that I don't really have to understand. He has made some poor choices, but he has also made so really good ones too. It is sometimes harder to see the good choices because the bad decisions tend to stand out more and I am mom...but when it comes right down to it, the bottom line is that I have to let him make those choices. That is how he learns.
My mantra for him "you can't get there until you get there."
Letting go is hard, but it can happen gracefully. It requires a shift in expectations on our part, and honestly, once you let that go, it is SO much easier.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2016 13:05:56 GMT
I think you are long past the point of it being ok to let a kid "go" We have to at some point. You've done your part of making sure she got an education. Now, what she chooses as life priorities is up to her. They may well be different than your priorities, as least for a few years. Doesn't mean you have to support her decisions with money or cars or bail her out of problems she creates by her choices. At her age, your DD has been doing everything for everybody else for the past 20+ years. She has her wings and she is using them and you have to let her choose how close she flies to the sun.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 28, 2016 13:07:54 GMT
Our adult kids can be frustrating, lol. Sometimes I think you need to just vent and let it go. I'm right there with you this morning and I know it's all beyond my control, they are who they are at this point and it's really not my place to have a say. With that said, i've been making myself crazy this week with the fact that my just turned 19 yo is hanging out with a 23 yo woman. He says not dating her, but who knows. I'm being all Mom judgy and not liking this at all because he's 19, just graduated last year and should be doing 19 yo things!!! She's 23, just out of a relationship, from a nearby city that is known for constant trouble, drugs, shootings, etc. Oh and she has 2 kids So not what you want your 19 yo getting involved in! So I definitely feel for you in wishing your kids would make better choices in certain areas at certain times. I am just biting my tongue hoping that either they are just friends or it ends very quickly. I think you've done well with things like the car issue. She made her choices from there and it seems like you handled it all well. She'll learn from her mistakes and hopefully become a better person. Unfortunately you just have to let things go, accept her for who she is and hope she learns something along the way. I need to start repeating this to myself, lol. And don't worry so much about the younger following in her footsteps. I had one who was very into herself and what she/friends wanted to do, she's improved with age (25 now) but is still the most likely to be the taker not the giver. My younger ones are very empathetic and giving. I have 4, all parented the same, all very different ways of living their lives
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Post by mellowyellow on Apr 28, 2016 13:16:38 GMT
I think the best thing you can do is just love her and support her the best way you can. She's young and trying to figure out her way and even though you might not agree with it...it's still her life. Also, I think you need to figure out some boundaries so you don't feel taken advantage of. It's hard figuring out the new relationship once our kids are grown. I have a DS in the Navy who is almost 21 and it's definitely a shift in dynamics for sure. Good luck to you and big momma hugs!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 28, 2016 13:22:43 GMT
We talk about this all the time at work--the generations coming in behind us are self centered-all about me, me, ME! They feel no loyalty or obligation to family, don't know what it is to make a sacrifice or go without, don't save money, no such thing as planning for their futures, get pissed if you (parents) don't "rescue" them or bail them out of a financial bind or loan them $$$, and it's the age of "Go Fund Me".
They don't take anyone into consideration when making decisions except themselves and don't think through how their decisions affect others.
I'd be long past being over this situation--to be told I'm not coming home at Christmas because I need a break from you (as a parent) would have been my last straw.
She's an adult. So let her adult!
As for the new gf, regardless of how you feel, she might manipulate how her acceptance is perceived towards others if she doesn't get her way because she's shown that behavior before. So be who you are because it's likely not going to matter anyway!
As for confrontation and losing your shit with her, over the other stuff--tell her she's an adult and it's high time she starts getting on being one!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 28, 2016 13:27:24 GMT
Don't be too harsh on the OP for sounding like she disapproves of everything her DD does--she stated it was a bent thread and listed out what has finally come to a head, she doesn't seem like she hates her or hates everything, just has had a few months if cumulative shit happening
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 28, 2016 13:38:25 GMT
We talk about this all the time at work--the generations coming in behind us are self centered-all about me, me, ME! They feel no loyalty or obligation to family, don't know what it is to make a sacrifice or go without, don't save money, no such thing as planning for their futures, get pissed if you (parents) don't "rescue" them or bail them out of a financial bind or loan them $$$, and it's the age of "Go Fund Me". They don't take anyone into consideration when making decisions except themselves and don't think through how their decisions affect others. Sweeping generalization much? Sounds likes what every generation says about the one after it. They are no worse than my generation or the generation before me. But ask the generation before me or before that, and we're all going to hell in a handbasket. Drives me crazy that people think that the younger generations are complete idiots, there are complete idiots in every generation but that doesn't mean that EVERY person of that generation is a complete idiot... complete idiots are definitely the minority. Hell, I know more people of the younger generation who have their shit together better than people of my generation. And my god, they are DRIVEN. It amazes me how these "kids" get stuff done and make something of themselves at such young ages. It's impressive.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 28, 2016 13:41:26 GMT
Your daughter sounds so much like my brother. He's wicked smart, but didn't really apply himself at college and basically just went to classes and had fun. My dad gave us 5 years of paying for college. When my brother was at the beginning of his 5th year, he went to see his counselor and asked what he could graduate the fastest with. It came down to math or psychology. My brother, who couldn't give 2 shits about psychology or helping people, picked psychology. No plan to go to grad school, which is a must if you intend to use that degree. So he graduates, and somehow talked my dad into getting him a job at my dads company. He lands the job, and my brother decides that he can just live out of his car and in shitty hotels instead of getting an apartment. This way he can save all his money for traveling. At the same time, he's dating this girl who also has no real direction in life other than to have fun and travel. So the two of them decide they are going to go to New Zealand for an entire month, and then go to Australia for a year. They had big plans about getting visas so they could become residents. So they save up all this money to go on this trip. They hit the goal line, and my brother walks into work the next morning and basically says, "Yeah, I'm going to New Zealand tomorrow so I guess I quit. Thanks for the job." And they leave and go on his trip. About 9 months into their stay in Australia, he and his girlfriend wound up working as nannies and odd jobs on a farm until they completely run out of money and have to come home. They said they were unable to get visas because they have no marketable skills. So hey come home, and my dad manages to get him hired back at his company again. With the warning that this was it, that he wouldn't be helping him again. My brother says ok, and gets to work. Still living out of his car and shitty hotels. He says he's saving up to go back to Australia again in the future, but no timeline has been set. It's been about 6 years, and he finally has an apartment, and even decided to rent a smaller aparent in FL hat he keeps as his "beach house". He's changed jobs a few times, bought his first brand new car, all on his own. My parents are done supporting him. They're happy, he's happy. He's 30 years old and is now acting like an adult. The girlfriend broke up with him last year though. As far as we know he is not dating anyone else, but he's priavte about his love life. You just gotta let her go and do her own thing to make herself happy. If she's able to support her choices there's no reason to try and interfere or micromanage. She will figure it out on her own.
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Post by myshelly on Apr 28, 2016 13:43:04 GMT
I think most college kids go through this. I did. For most of us it's a phase and we swing back around.
As for walking at a graduation ceremony, I have to say I just don't get it. I didn't care about or want to walk at any of mine. Ceremonies just don't resonate with some people.
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Apr 28, 2016 13:48:56 GMT
Was she taught to say thank-you for gifts,etc? Have you discussed her lack of appreciation for all that you've done for her? If not, I think you should now or you will be resentful for a long time.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 28, 2016 13:49:19 GMT
Sorry - sounds like you've been really going through some difficult challenges concerning your DD.
It sounds to me like many kids her age - they don't really know what they want so they are experimenting with different things to find out what makes them happy. It sounds like you have handled things well up until now (a lot of people may have handled the girlfriend situations a lot differently) but it seems you just took it in stride and didn't give a negative reaction to your DD so that is good. She will figure out in time if she is gay or not - but she just needs some time to figure it out on her own so you are doing right but not making a big deal out of it one way or another.
I can totally understand you being upset that DD chose not to walk at graduation and never mentioned it to you until you asked. I think you should tell DD that you are upset that she made that decision without discussing it with you first because you paid for her education and it was a big deal to you to get to see her graduate. Let her know it makes you sad that you won't get to witness that, especially after all you and DH sacrificed so she could go to school. I doubt she can walk now if the deadline has passed but maybe it will make her think before she makes a decision like that in the future. Don't get into an argument with her, just let her know that you are disappointed that you won't get to see her walk down in that cap and gown and get her diploma.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. She is trying to find her way, but you are having to deal with the circumstances of it. I hope things start getting better soon.
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Post by whopea on Apr 28, 2016 13:52:38 GMT
That's got to be a tough situation. A friend of mine has a daughter the same age and is going through something similar. She makes choices that affect the entire family and then wonders why her mom (my bff) gets angry. I think papercraftadvocate is right that this millennial generation seems to be growing up in a "me first" mentality. So, I think part of it has to do with her age and generation and the peers she's witnessed at college. Not that explanation provides you any comfort.
I think I would tell your dd that you are so very proud of her for graduating from college and working jobs to support herself. Instead of worrying about the choices she's made that put things on you, transfer that choice right back to her by saying, since you've done so well, Dad and I have decided that you have shown you are mature enough to handle your own life at this point. Pick a date (like the end of this year) and say as of <<date>>, we will no longer pay for <<list the things you're still paying for>>. Don't make it about the money or the choice associated with it, make it about the fact that she's capable enough to make these decisions on her own.
You will never win the battle for recognition, so don't fight it anymore. Find the positives in what she's done and accept her for who she is. Hopefully one day she will do the same in return.
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 28, 2016 14:19:28 GMT
I think you are dealing with more than one issue. The ungrateful behavior would piss me off too. My children were raised to say please and thank you as I'm certain she was. As a child it is unacceptable to not thank your parents for providing a meal, a ride to somewhere or your education. As an adult, even more so. To this day whether I cook at home or we eat out I can almost guarantee my boys will say thank you. I think it's past time for you and your DH to sit her down and explain your expectations of her at this point in her life. If she chooses to be rude then you have the choice to not acceptable that behavior.
Her lack of responsibility is no longer your problem except for the fact that while she is still on your insurance she expects you to pick up her copays. If you aren't going to do that, tell her so.
As I see it, her GF is the third issue. Not that she is a woman but in the manner she presented her life style change. She's presented herself as hetero until this point, it was unfair to both her parents and her GF to spring it on you and not give you any time to come to terms with it before introducing her. She should have told you about her now having a GF and given you time to talk about it, ask questions of her, etc. Then you would have been much more comfortable with the situation when she brought her home.
I do think young adults today are more self centered than older generations seemed to be or perhaps they are just more in your face about it. Either way, I believe it is perfectly acceptable to have expectations of adult children.
I know I expect my sons to be respectful of me and my resources, whether it is time, money, or skills.
I expect them to be polite, well mannered and respectful of others.
I expect them to make informed decisions whether I agree with the decision or not.
I expect to hear from them occasionally if nothing more than to know that they are still alive.
I expect them to speak up if something I do is a problem for them, i.e calling to much, ignoring boundaries, etc.
In return I offer them the same.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 28, 2016 14:27:04 GMT
Is there a point we can just let a kid go and let things settle where they may in the future??
Yes, and now is the time. She has her education, is financially independent and sounds like she is very active with interests & hobbies. Except for being more thankful and appreciative, I'm not sure what you are expecting from her. I find your assessment of "not having luck with relationships with guys" interesting and your feeling that her girlfriend is a phase. As far as you know she had only dated guys at that point, but if she sensed/knew you wouldn't be accepting of a girlfriend, I doubt she would have shared anything about her relationships until she was in something more serious. My parents didn't know about the guy that became DH until we were heading to Greece for a month - he is the only guy I ever brought home and that was when I was 34 .
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Post by Linda on Apr 28, 2016 14:46:07 GMT
(((Hugs))) it's hard to let go of dreams of how the future will look
that said - once they turn 18 and leave high school (graduate or otherwise), the amount of say a parent has in their now-adult child's life really shrinks a LOT. They are going to make decisions that you're not going to like, decisions that you can predict won't turn out well for them, decisions that hurt you...we did the same thing as young adults.
We took different paths than our parents did and made different life choices than perhaps they would have made for us. We've (hopefully) learnt and grown from those experiences and now, our adult-children, need the oppportunity to learn and grow from their experiences.
Health insurance - pretty sure there's a legal cut-off in the US at age 26 now for carrying young adults on their parents' insurance. If it costs you extra to carry her (it did for us - our insurance premiums are tiered and 3+ kids plus a non-working spouse = the highest premium tier - dropping our oldest off lowered the premiums) you have the option of asking her to pay the difference or pick up insurance on the marketplace or get a job with insurance or pay the tax penalty for not having it. For US - the extra premium wasn't high enough to justify charging him or kicking him off the policy (he was removed when he joined the military and no longer needed it)
Don't loan money - give it to her as a gift or don't give it. You could do what my mum did and draw up a promissary note but my guess is that won't help because if she's going to repay it, she will either way and if she isn't, then your options are to forgive the loan or sue in small claims court.
I think with the GF - I would treat the situation the same way I would if it were a BF. Whether it's an experiment or a coming out or somewhere in between is really HER business not yours - I will say that (as a previous poster did) sexuality is more accepted as a spectrum today than it was when we were younger and the idea that love/attraction has more to do with the specific person than it does with a specific gender is much more accepted.
You may find that if you give her space and the opportunity to face the consequences (good and bad) of her choices, that in a few years, things between you and her will improve. But you may find that although you'll always love her, you may not like her very much - it happens and it doesn't mean that you're a bad parent or that she's a bad person, just that you don't have much in common and don't have compatible personalities.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 28, 2016 14:51:19 GMT
She is early 20's. It's never been brought up to her that we expected thanks or appreciation about paying for her degree. We haven't expected thanks but to tell us that she won't walk because this degree isn't important or an achievement feels like a slap in the face to us, I think. she is an adult. I think you need to tell her this. I would say, sending you to school was a sacrifice for us one we happily made, and seeing you graduate is all the thanks we need. If she hesitates.. I would let her know as an adult she needs to be aware of your feelings and work to create an adult relationship with you. But it might be too late for her to walk, then consider if you want to have a little celebration with her and her gf.. it might make her feel like you are accepting in that arena. If she is a lesbian, or not she has probably been grappling with her own sexuality for awhile and that is never easy, so you might cut her a little slack there.
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