Ticked with DD

I didn't take the time to read through all the responses, but just wanted to chime in with sometimes being the parent of an adult child sucks. As a parent, we can't make the choices for them that we feel they should be making. It isn't easy to just sit by and let them fall on their faces. I have two adult sons still living with me (24 and 21). The 24 year old will graduate college this spring and is supposed to be moving out. At this point, I will miss his dog more than I will miss him! I still love him, but he sure can be aggrevating at times. You got to let her do what she is going to do. I will sometimes offer unsolicited advice and tell them I need to tell them my opinion and then will leave it there. I will not continue to nag them on it or give endless lectures. Just the one time. Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. Sorry you are having stress over your daughter.

I'm not taking this personally. Nothing in her posts resembles my life. I paid for my college and my parents helped where they could. I plan to fully find my kids education. I'm sick of the attitude in the US that higher education is some kind of privilege that people dont deserve.

It's insane to me that in 2016 we can all agree that going to school through 12th grade is something we should offer and expect but anything beyond that is some kind of "your on your own kid" mentality. And now this poor woman graduates from school and even that isn't good enough for her mom.

Do you know that she has her degree?

OP, I understand your frustration, and I am afraid I may have been like your DD when I was in my early 20's. I finished my masters midyear, and I didn't even think about walking in the graduation ceremony - until my parents said they would be crushed if I didn't. I did end up walking.

I also though the world revolved around me, and I made several important decisions with which my parents strongly (but respectfully) disagreed. My mom would say things like, "Daddy and I aren't sure about this, and we want you to think carefully before you proceed. But you are an adult, and we will support you and love you, whatever you decide." (Let me clarify that "support" meant emotional support, not financial!)

In hindsight, they were absolutely correct about one of those big decisions, and I was absolutely correct about another one. That's how it goes in your early 20's, I guess.

I will say that as an adult, I have thanked my parents profusely and often for the gifts they gave me of (among other things) my education and their unwavering (emotional) support.

All that is a long way of saying that self-centeredness is a normal developmental stage, and there is yet hope for your daughter. It doesn't mean you have to put up with rudeness or bankroll her wild adventures, but keep letting her know she's loved, and she may come around. I sure did.

You realize that the OP is pissed that the show of gratitude from her dd is walking in her ceremony. Which many students forgo for good reason. My friend 2 years ago got puked on in her chair by some drunk guy while waiting for her 3 seconds of fame to please her family, in a 4 hour ceremony.

And after reading all the rest of her posts I sincerely doubt her claim that her dd is an ungrateful, thankless person. I just think she can't win. None of has any idea if any of the OP'S ire is based in any kind of reality and based on what she has put here I really can't help but think she is pretty standoffish and clear in her obvious disapproval.

Yes, I realize it. And I don't think it's too much to ask of your kid when you just forked out six figures to put their ungrateful butt through four years of schooling on your dime. It's one day. Suck it up, buttercup.

We do things we sometimes don't want to for the people we love. Look at it from the other direction. What if the shoe was on the other foot and she *wanted* them to sit through a four hour ceremony to watch her graduate and they refused to go because it's boring and sucky? How would that make her feel? I sat through DH's high school graduation, through his college graduation and through his sister's HS and college graduations so I get it that it's boring and sucky. But these people are my family and it's what they do so I just go with it.

I am grateful that my parents established what they were willing to pay for long before I got there. At 15, my dad opened up a checking account and put $500 in it. I was told anytime that I spent or "dipped" into that $500, my dad took over my account and gave me "pocket change." If I went over the budget my parents set for me, my dad reserved the right to look at my account. I worked a little part-time, after school job and my paycheck went into my checking account. I had a budget that I had to live by. School shopping was paid for by my parents, but, a budget was given. When I got my driver's license, I was told that car insurance was paid for as long as I maintained the "good student" discount. If I didn't, then I could pay the difference from my money. Want to go out with friends for something special and don't have the $, present a budget sheet to dad or mom to get the extra money - usually paid back by doing $ chores at home. College was important to my parents. They decided that they would pay for tuition, fees, and books as long as you maintained at least a B average. You had 1 semester to bring up your average before the $ was cut off. Since there was a university just down the street (within walking distance), if you decided to go away to college, you got to pay for your room and board. My parents otherwise would pay for that because you were living at home. I received a full ride academic scholarship. I remember sitting down with my dad and him going over things. He would pay my room and board. I needed to come up with a budget of how much I needed each month and he made sure I had the $ in my account. Same rules as far as the $500. There was never any question of the rules or the parameters. Early on, I knew that I must tell my mother "thank you" - my dad made sure we did. We said "thank you" for every meal, her driving us somewhere, her going shopping with us, etc. any time she did something or used her time for us. My dad did the same and therefore taught us by example. My parents did the same for us children. They thanked us whenever we did things for them. The last thing my Mom ever said to us before she died was, "Thank you!" (It was written on her hospital chart - she had requested a pen and paper to write to us. I have a copy of it framed on my nightstand)

I get it - I hate it when my DD seems to take advantage of me. I hate it when she is spending my $ by wanting me to take her out to dinner, pay for events, etc. I hate it when I am put in a position of saying that I "can't afford ...." I get it.

I have a "special needs" daughter. Her tuition for high school alone as over $65,000 for 9 months of education. That doesn't include the 9 round trip airfares. She lives at home with me right now because I can't afford otherwise. She has a little part-time job. I have written down exactly what I will pay for. Christmas, birthdays, etc. I give her a budget beforehand. I set how much I can spend. That way, she can decide what she wants. She wants to go to the show, she gets to complete a budget sheet (taught at school) and we go over whether she has enough $ or not. Out to dinner - give me a budget sheet.

Oh, my older brother was the first one of us siblings that was married. He was going to school, working, and had a new baby. He would come by the house for a visit and treat the kitchen like the local grocery store. My mother told him one time, after he had loaded up, "I understand that you struggling financially, but, I am not the local grocery store. If you want to come with your wife and baby every Sunday for dinner, I will be happy to include your family." I learned that my Mom would give us what we needed, but, it was HER choice. We never just took it.

My mother put my dad through medical school and never had more than a high school diploma. My dad gave my mom his diploma. Every diploma we children received was, in turn, given to my mom. She had an entire wall of diplomas - from high school to doctorate.

I guess it all comes down to the word respect. Respect is a 2 way street.

I have been there, done that with my son. Growing up, he was a perfectly lovely child. He was honest, compassionate, tidy, thoughtful, etc. I would have to really think to say anything negative about him during those years. Then he moved in with his father at 15 and he has never been the same kid since. Picture years of arguments, lies, verbal abuse toward me, manipulation, and total disregard for my property and my very existence. He was drinking, lying, and sabotaging any opportunity in front of him. I didn't understand it or him. I could write a book on how his behavior was the polar opposite from his earlier self.

About a year and a half ago, things really blew up between us. He told me not to contact him at all and that nothing I could say would change his mind about me. Ouch. I have never ever felt so much pain and anguish. The things he was saying about me and my motives were not true at all but he would not give me the time of day to discuss it. I spent the last 18 months vacillating between crying and cussing him out in my head. I wanted to hug him and work on making things right one day, then I wanted to move and not tell him where I went the next day. To just totally give up on him and walk away. Oh, and he has snubbed me on a couple of Christmas days too. And Mother's Day, and my birthday, etc., etc.

We are just now finally talking again. He has come so very far. All the things I was so disappointed in are no longer there. By his choice. He talked and talked and I just listened, amazed at the things he had figured out. He says he understands himself so much better now. He realized I wasn't doing any of the things he was accusing me of. It was true that he was seeing disappointment and shame mirrored back at himself and he couldn't take it. He had to push me away. Now that he, of his own volition, changed his life, and coincidentally changed all the things I had hated that he was doing, he is content for the first time in a very long time.

So you see, lots of us go through some pretty tough and painful times with our children, especially when they first get out on their own. And our children can hurt us in areas that no one else on earth could do. They are trying on different personas and seeing what feels real to them. They are finally in charge of their own lives and may realize they are not all that prepared to have all that power, but they can't revert to ask us for help, no matter what. Give her the space she is asking for. Try hard not to dwell on this. Have confidence that she will finally settle into who she needs to be and I doubt it will be too far off from what she was growing up. Listen to her, and try not to offer opinions. Let her figure out what feels right to her and don't focus too much on the passing stages that she tries on. She will dump those that don't feel true and keep the ones that do. She is going to decide who she is and what she wants out of her life. And she may be like my son, needing to push me away for fear of being influenced by something I say or do. I think the closer you were when they were little, the harder they push to get you out. They fiercely need to be themselves and feel that we have no right to give input on any of it. And they are right, really. Our time for teaching ,molding, and exposing them to things we value is long gone.

But it doesn't need to be so harsh or painful in my opinion. At least, not from my side. I was a very dedicated and involved mother to my son. I gave it my all and then some, especially since I was a single mom. He was my focus for many years. And as he entered his mid to late teens, I was exhausted and more than ready for my own space again. I wanted to focus on my life and make plans for where I wanted to be next. I had no intention of over parenting him or asserting my will against his. But he didn't know that. I'm sure he assumed I would be there, full force, as I had been every day of his life. And he needed me to fade off into the distance so he could decide what he wanted. So rather than let it happen naturally, he pushed. Hard. I understand it now. And as he talked to me, I could see the realization on his face too. So hang in there, Mom. I'm sure you did a good job with her when your input was necessary. Now sit back and see what she does with it. It's her turn now.